Thursday, January 30, 2014

%&$)&%)@#

Well...here I am...

Feeling $*%$(*%&(#$

I feel terrible and have the worst cramps ever, a headache, and my entire body is retaining water - stick a pin in me and I could probably replenish the Colorado River!

I stayed home from work today because I felt so terrible.  When I stood on the scale this morning, I had my nightgown on and the scale said 279.6.  It's got to be more now because I'm retaining even more water.

Along with feeling miserable today came some terrible thoughts while I was trying to get a little rest.  'Who am I to think I'll get this weight off.'  'Hardly anyone can lose weight and keep it off, why should I be any different?'  'Why are you even trying this? - you haven't really lost any weight - it was all just water weight.'  'Just give it up - you'll never be able to change your ways!'

Where do these negative bullshit thoughts/feelings come from?  I sure do hope it's hormonal, otherwise, I might as well just hook my arm up to a sugar IV now.

After a while, I gave it up and got on my laptop and basically wondered aimlessly around the internet - I wasn't able to focus on anything.  I wanted to find a particular blogger again, but I can't seem to find her anywhere.  I just had no focus at all.

I had my usual smoothie for breakfast, leftover wings for lunch, and then hubby made dinner - a no carb meatloaf, green beans, and sliced tomatoes topped with guacamole and a little cheese.  He even brought the plate to our room.  He is a good man.  Funny thing though is that when I saw the plate, my first thought was, "Well that's not a very big piece of meat."  I commented on this and he said, "Eat that and then you can get more if you want."  Totally reasonable.  And guess what???  I found that after I ate that plate of food, I was full and didn't want anything else to eat.

After I ate, I took my plate downstairs and thanked him for the great dinner.  I also told him that I was full and didn't want anything else.  He simply said, "That's good."  You've got to know my husband - that's a lot coming from him - he's a show-er; not a talker.  I think he's a little unsure how to support me in my efforts, plus I think he's scared of me when I'm having my period!

One thing I did come across today was the following quote:

Once you realize that it's possible to feel good by not eating certain things and including others instead, the compulsion begins to fall away because you've found something better:  getting your life back.  Geneen Roth

I thought this was quite a compelling thought/quote and I think this is the thing I'm trying to be and understand.  The road to getting there is a little tough - and like the title of my blog - it's a long weigh away.

I dealt with all those feelings and thoughts today.  I just don't know how I will handle them the next time and maintain control.

I dunno - it's just a combo of everything.  The water weight, the pain, the negative thoughts - it just makes me a ball of blah and makes me doubt myself.  So, in the words of Wilson Phillips, I'm gonna 'hold on for one more day.'  Or perhaps like Scarlet O'Hara, I won't think about these thoughts because, "...after all, tomorrow is another day."

Onward...

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