Well...here I am....plugging along.
It's been a long day - 2 long meetings - and I'm not fond of meetings.
The scale was down this morning. I was happy, but not elated. Felt realistic about it.
After the first meeting this morning, I was talking with a fellow. As we sat in the window sill and talked about his upcoming trip, my mind wandered and I had the strangest thought. Basically, it was that I've done well and I look *good*, so surely I was in control and didn't need to worry about this stuff. I mean...really? Where the hell in my brain do these thoughts hide? What is THAT chemistry? In any event, I realized that while I've done just fine SO FAR - this is only the beginning and I've got a long row to hoe! Sitting in that window sill, I am not a 165 pound woman in control; rather, I'm a 280 pound woman who is struggling to get her ducks in a row.
I'm a bit surprised that I haven't had any weird, extreme emotions. Really - all I want to do is hang on and get this weight off and get in shape for the rest of my life. I want to be as spry and active until the day I die At the rate I was going, it wasn't going to happen.
Wow - I just read the number I wrote. 280 pounds. That is a large number. Somehow I lost total control. It's going to be such a long road and while I'm motivated right now - I don't know if I can maintain it or even HOW to maintain the motivation. That stupid, silly, destructive inner voice is hiding right now, but I'm sure it's not too far away. I have been trying to have a "bigger" picture look at the whole process - perhaps that will keep me from totally fixating on the number on the scale.
I was thinking tonight that one benefit of losing this weight will be the fact that my lower back won't hurt so bad anymore. I have some stenosis throughout my spine and I'm sure it's exacerbated by the weight. Let me tell me - I am looking forward to that pain subsiding. It woke me up at 4 am this morning and I had to get up and take some Aleve. This is not how I want to live my life.