Wednesday, February 26, 2014

Kinda bored

Well...here I am...

...kinda bored.

Hubby left for a short trip and will return on Friday.  I don't mind him going out of town at all since it gives me some alone time, but I always miss him.

I'm clearly in the midst of PMS/MSing - I hate it, but after 100 years (or so it seems), I'm used to it.  I'm retaining water and my tummy aches.  I'm thankful I'm not fixated on food.  Actually, I don't feel too jazzed about food at all at the moment.

The scale was down a hair - and I mean a hair - this morning.  It's gonna be up and down for the next week, so I'm prepared for that. 

Anyway, we were running late this morning, so hubster and I decided we're run to the cafeteria for lunch.  The cafeteria cooks a huge turkey everyday and lets you carve it however you want.  It's a bit weird, but it works.  Turkey, roasted veggies (squash and zucchini), salad, and two deviled eggs.  It was a good lunch.  And while the cafeteria is buffet-style, I didn't have any problem with not selecting other items.  As a matter of fact, I was a little astonished at the number of choices that had some sort of sweet sauce.  Ewwwww...

Another interesting thing that actually made me a little self-conscious was when we checked out.  The cafeteria charges by the pound and my plate was mounded high with the salad and the veggies.  Hubster's plate, by comparison, wasn't mounded at all.  However, he did have a totally different type of lunch.  Anyway, his lunch weighed 1.21 lbs and my lunch was 1.82 lbs.  That was more than 8 oz more food than he had.  But I would bet money that my lunch had no sugar and more nutrition.

The afternoon was quite busy and I worked late.  I got home close to 7. Dinner was leftover chicken, green beans, mushrooms, and asparagus.  Nothing exciting, but it was tasty and I was satisfied.  The best part was watching an episode of House of Cards while I ate.  I love that show.  Usually hubby and I eat together at the table with the television off, so it was a treat.

So - what nutrition/diet/emotional things did I read/think about today?  Well, I thought again of my friend on the Ideal Protein plan.  While I'm sure I won't join the program, I'd be lying and less than human if I said I wasn't drawn to the promise of fast weight loss.  Didn't I just write about this VERY thing last night????

The other thing I just topically read about today was "intermittent fasting".  My son is a proponent of it, but I really don't know much about it except that you keep your eating to within an 8-10 hour time frame.  I don't know the frequency of this fasting, but I do plan to read more about it.

Another thought I had today is how the dietary guidelines seem to be in such a flux.  To me, I think this is a great thing because they've totally missed the mark for so long, it's not funny.  I heard on the news the other day that the government (can't remember if it was federal or state) wasn't going to allow drink machines to have advertisements of REGULAR soda on them; however, they could have DIET soda advertised on the machine.  Now, given what we're learning about the effects of diet soda, how does this make a damn bit of sense???

Okay - I'll get off my soapbox.

Onward!

Tuesday, February 25, 2014

Treading carefully

Well...here I am...

...thinking and treading carefully.

The scale showed a very nice weight loss yesterday.  Said loss was promptly gone when I stepped on the scale this morning.

WHY dammit!?!?!  I mean, SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?

Hmmm...well - I am clearly getting ready to start; my tummy hurts, my back hurts, and I feel kinda yucky.  Plus, I took the mixed nuts to work yesterday and may have indulged just a bit too much.  Other than that, I got nothing.  One I can't do anything about, but the other I can fix.  I was much more careful about the nuts today.  That, plus I was busy all day at work - I didn't have time to think 'bout no stinkin' nuts!

I've been uneasy the last few days and I think I figured out what it is.  I've gained and lost the same 15 or so pounds that I've lost several times over the last few years.  I get down to around 270 and then things just seem to go to hell.  I realized that I've been telling myself that I really don't *TRUST* what I'm doing or even my ability to do it because I've been here before.  I think I'll have some internal confidence once my weight gets down to about 265.  This range of weight is a hurdle for me, so need to be extra mindful.

Now all this begs the question WHY I failed in previous attempts?  I think there are several reasons.

1.  I do think sugar does something funky to my body and I don't process it very well.  As a result, I feel I do better on a lower carbohydrate diet.  I did Atkins before, but I think I misinterpreted the intent.  I took it to mean high-protein (which is not the case).  As a result, I ate a LOT of protein and not enough fat or carbs.  I've read that too much protein can also slow down weight loss.

So, I would lose the initial water weight that you always lose, but then the weight would stop because I had too much protein.  Frustration ensued and I fell off the wagon.  Not only would I fall off the wagon, I would fall into the hole UNDER the wagon!

2.  I would have some success and would reward myself.  "Oh - you've lost some weight.  Look at you in the mirror - don't you look sassy!!!!"  These thoughts seemed to give me permission to reward myself....with food.  The ultimate reward was an even fatter ass.  Hmmm...not a good reward at all.

3.  Alternatively, I would feel sorry for myself.  "Oh - you're working so hard; you've not had anything *FUN* to eat in a while now.  You can have this, it'll be okay.  Go ahead.  It'll be fine."  Well - it wasn't fine - not at all.  I mean seriously, food is fun?  Bullshit.  Food is supposed to be fuel, sustenance, a requirement.  It's not fun.  Sex is fun, volleyball is fun, watching a move is fun.  Food isn't fun.

4.  I would compare myself to others who successfully lost weight in no time flat.  Now, let me say that if I think back on it, I don't personally *know* anyone who lost a large amount of weight lickety-split and then went on to have nary a worry about their weight ever, ever again.  THAT PERSON DOES NOT EXIST.  Even though I didn't follow them or even really abide them, I think I felt jealous of the promise of the quick fix these fad weight loss plans offered.

Unconsciously, I think this is why I'm trying to be so mindful, so very mindful, of emotional eating.  I'm trying my very best to have a realistic look at my efforts.  For me, the graph is a wonderful tool to me.  I can honestly see how my eating affects my weight.

Is my plan now perfect?  Not at all.  But it's working for me.  My friend started Ideal Protein yesterday and if I'm honest with myself, I'm jealous of the weight she'll lose.  If I continue to be honest with myself, I know such a plan will probably not work for me.  I've gotta learn as I go along and incorporate habits that are going to last me the rest of my life.  It doesn't mean that I won't ever have a bowl of ice cream or fried chicken.  It *does* mean that I need to learn to eat for nutrition and not for emotion.  I can enjoy my so-called "fun" food, but with the right frame of mind - as a treat, not as a crutch.

I read other weight-loss blogs and love them all.  I have my own little interwebs therapy deal going on in the comfort of my own home.  So many levels of motivation.  Those who have successfully kept the weight off for a long time, those who are currently losing weight, and perhaps more important in some ways, those who lost the weight, but gained it back and are going through the whole deal again.  I think they may have some particular insight to offer.  I think it takes a lot of strength to face it again.  I may admire those folks most of all.

Anyway - that's what's in my brain tonight.

Feel free to comment, I'd like to hear what folks have to say.

Onward!




Sunday, February 23, 2014

Where I am

Well...here I am...

...Thinking about where I am.

It seems I've heard about a lot of different weight loss plans lately.  I'm sure they're all successful, but it seems that I've used them as THE solution rather than as an aid   As well, it doesn't seem they really help you learn to to adopt a change to your lifestyle for the long haul  Perhaps it's just me and I didn't learn how to make those adjustments.

I've heard more about THM and Weight Watchers lately.  Another plan I've heard quite a bit about is Ideal Protein.  Even my doctor suggested it as a good plan.  I checked into it, but it's not for me.  Even so, a friend of mine will be starting the Ideal Protein Program tomorrow - I wish her all the luck in the world.  She and I have tried together, separately, and every which way in the world to lose weight.  She's had great success in the past; I hope she does again.

I feel the path I'm on is teaching me how to live with food for the rest of my life, helping me put it in its proper place, showing me how to separate emotional eating from nutritional eating, deciphering the triggers that lead me down a dark path.

I look at my weight loss graph and I feel that I can go back, and even though it's been a short time, I can correlate gains and little plateaus with negative nutritional habits - like eating out every night for a week even though I was eating as properly as I could.

I was thinking today that I've not had any processed food since I started this plan - perhaps the protein powder could be considered processed - but my food has been real stuff and I've enjoyed it - really enjoyed it.

Speaking of food, we cooked the artichokes on Friday night.  Hubby didn't like them at all and said I could have the other ones for myself when we cooked them.  As for me, I really liked it, but I think we may have steamed them for too long since the leaves didn't appear too meaty.  Plus, I had no idea what that hairy-looking thing in the middle was.  I guess I'm going to have to look up artichoke anatomy.

Dinner last night was AMAZING!   It was a Mediterranean restaurant that we hadn't tried before.  There were four of us and we ate like royalty.  For appetizers, we had black and green olives and a variety of spreads with pita.  I took a single pita that was the size of my hand and that was what I used for the remainder of the evening.  We also had saganaki, which was also scrumptious.  OPAA!

For the main course, I wanted to separate myself from the meze portion of the meal, mostly because I had no idea or control over what the other three folks would order, so I ordered the red snapper with a lemon butter sauce.  It was quite simple, but tasted delicious.  To go with the snapper, I ordered the brussels sprouts that this place is known for.  Let me tell you, they were so good, I got a second order.  The description says they are made of brussels sprouts, walnuts, capers, currants, and honey.

At dessert, everyone was ordering so when it got to me, I ordered the baklava and told hubster that we could split it.  When it arrived, I took a bite and realized it was the worst dish of the evening - quite dry - so I pushed the plate over to hubster and told him it was his!  Yeah me.

The scale was up this morning - with the pita, honey, currants, and baklava - it was the most sugar I've had in a long while, so the temporary weight gain is to be expected.

The thing I didn't expect was the way I felt today.  I woke up absolutely starving and had a headache, which last for most of the day and my tummy felt funky until mid-afternoon.  Of course, it's anecdotal, but I'm attributing it to the sugar last night.  It was a weird thing this morning too - I was so blasted hungry, but I couldn't figure out what I wanted to eat.  I usually have either a smoothie or an omelette, but I just didn't fix anything.  I ended up eating some olives, running my finger through the guacamole that we'd made, and had two handfuls of nuts.  What is THAT all about??  Am I pregnant or something?!?!?!

I wonder if folks on a low-fat diet experience something similar when they have something fatty after abstaining so long.

We had my elderly friend today, so we went to a Persian restaurant this evening - Joojeh (chicken) and salad with oil/vinegar for me.

While it's the end of the day, I'm glad I'm feeling less verklempt than I was for most of the day - I didn't like that feeling AT ALL!

Tomorrow is the 24th and I made a pledge, had a hope, thought I might, be at or below 270 before the end of February.  At the rate my loss has been, I'm not sure that's going to happen.  Plus, that TOM is right around the corner.  In any event, I'm going to be particularly mindful for the next few days.  I don't know how I'll feel if I don't reach it.  That in itself is another blog, but not for today.

Oh - if you read my little ol' blog, I'd be ever so grateful if you'd leave a comment.

Onward!




Saturday, February 22, 2014

Food chatter

Here I am...

...thinking about food chatter.  It's only 2 pm and TWO food issues have been faced today.

So, it's Saturday and we had to get all the animacles to the vet by 7:30 for their checkups.  The animacles consist of 1.75 dogs and a cat.  The 1.75 dogs consist of a 30 lb mutt and two pomeranians - 4 and 8 lbs each - they're barely dogs.  It's a drop-off visit, so we can go about our day.  Our usual habit is to go to Cracker Barrel, which is what we did today.

We chatted on the way there, but some other "thing" took over my brain when we hit that restaurant.  All this chatter in my head  "...Oh, you've been so good and you can have a cheat day every now and again and so you can have the biscuits, and you know you like the french toast with all the butter and syrup..."  I swear - it was an onslaught in my head - an hour's worth of thoughts in 30 seconds...all about food!

By the time we had gone from the table to the door, I felt a bit agitated in my head and realized that something was just throwing up in my head.  As soon as hubby and I sat down, he reached for my hands and I immediately told him what had been going through my head in that short span of time.  He didn't say a word, but just smiled.  For every stupid thought that had gone through my head, I answered it back to my husband.  I don't know if that makes any sense, but I just felt I had to answer the nonsense in my head.

Anyway, I ordered eggs, bacon, ham, and broccoli!!!  The waitress gave me a funky look, but I don't care.  My money will just as easily pay for broccoli at breakfast as it will at dinner.  Guess what hubby ordered???  The french toast!!!  When he ordered it, I gave him "the look".  He simply said, "I'll give you one bite."  He didn't say "a bite" or "some"; he said "one bite."

When breakfast came - he ate his breakfast and I ate mine.  I didn't have "one bite" at all.  To be honest, I forgot about it until later.  I take that to mean that I didn't feel deprived or have any investment in that "one bite".  I take that as a victory!

Now, what's wrong with "one bite"?  Not a damn thing.  HOWEVER, I had a pretzel shop to do around noon, so I knew I would be having to have a bite of the pretzel.  Plus, my "cheat" meal is going to be at dinner tonight with our friends.  We're going to a new restaurant (Greek, Turkish, Lebanese cuisine) and everyone RAVES about the candied brussels sprouts and I plan to have them without any guilt at all.  Just to be clear, it's the "candied" part of the brussels sprouts that will be the cheat.  I'm not so worried about the meal itself, but I haven't decided whether I'll have dessert.  I'm learning towards "no" because of the sugar, but we'll see.

After breakfast, we had our usual Saturday Costco run - some prescriptions, strawberries, weed stuff, and some nuts for snacking at home and work.  We were outta there lickety-split!

So...the next food thing....

I mystery shop as a hobby - yes, it's real and not a scam.  Anyway, I had a pretzel shop today and since we're crazy busy later today, we decided to get it out of the way.  So, blah, blah, blah I get it done and we're back in the car.  One requirement is that I have to taste the pretzel.  Okay - I tear off a piece and hand the rest of it to hubster.  This piece fit between my thumb and forefinger.

Let me tell you - THAT WAS THE BEST DAMN BITE OF PRETZEL I'VE EVER HAD!  It was quite fresh, perfectly salted, etc.  Well - I stuck my hand in that bag that was now sitting between hubster's legs and got another piece!  I ripped that piece in two and stuck one in my mouth and realized I was *reacting*, so I immediately slowed it down.

And here's the thing, I paid attention to how it tasted, the texture in my mouth, how it felt as I chewed it - I just savored it.  Yannow, when I took that last bite - it wasn't nearly as good or as tasty as that overwhelming sensation of the first bite.  I then knew that I didn't want or need any more - I was okay and took a sip of my drink.  Hubby said to me, "Are you talking to yourself?"  I guess I had said "okay" out loud.  I guess I was.

I read somewhere before that after the third or fourth bite of something sweet, the entire sensation is totally different than the sensations of the first bite.  In this case, that was totally borne out.

I've done so much mindless eating in the past and I'm trying so hard not to do that anymore.  I'm not always successful, but I'm learning.  Now, I'm trying to eat purposefully and mindfully with full awareness of what I'm doing.  Nourishing my body instead of some sort of emotional garbage.

Two more lessons learned today.  Yeah ME!

Onward!


Thursday, February 20, 2014

Emotional Rollercoaster

Well...here I am...

on an emotional rollercoaster.

So...let's get right to the point.   The dermatologist thinks is squamous cell carcinoma.  She's not 100% positive and said, "It could be some weird, funky rosacea, but I don't think so."  She took a biopsy.  Have you ever had a biopsy on your nose....WITHOUT any numbing medication?  It hurts like a BITCH!  I actually asked about some numbing stuff and she said getting it was actually worse than the biopsy itself.  Well - I'm gonna have to take her word for that, but I'm not sold.  She also took something off my right arm as well that has come up in recent months.  She said the results should be back within a week and depending on the results, we'll make plans.  She recommended Mohs surgery and told me there was a Mohs surgeon in her office.

Okay, I was kinda expecting that and I think I'm fairly okay with it, but nevertheless, when I got back to work, I just sat in my car for about 20 minutes and had my own little pity party and cried.  It's just the whole ordeal of having to jump back on that cancer hamster wheel.  Regular doctor visits, heightened awareness, paranoia, blah, blah, blah.  This will make the third different cancer I've had and I guess I should say that at least they appear to be getting less life-threatening overall with each progressive cancer.  I had that thought and then a friend of mine said the same thing.

At work, EVERYONE asked about the bandage on my nose.  I told some folks; didn't tell others.  I don't know why.  Luckily, one of my folks wanted to discuss some experiments we're planning, so that took my mind off of everything.  Then hubby came down to my office to check on me; he had such a pained look in his face; it melted my heart.  I wouldn't let him go to the doctor or come to the car when I got back, so he was just waiting to SEE me.  I've got tears in my eyes now - even when he's been a shit, he's a dear, dear man.

Anyway...as I always say...onward!

The scale was static this morning and I'm good with that.  A bit interesting...I think this may be the first time the scale has been the same over the course of two days.  One little tidbit....when I got home tonight, I weighed as I was changing clothes - 275.6 on the scale.

This morning was the usual smoothie - I am not getting tired of them at all!  They remind me of the chocolate milkshakes from Hardee's when I was a kid.  They don't make them like that anymore.

Lunch was a big success for me.  Hubby made salads this morning.  We had gotten into an argument, so he was trying to make peace!  That fella sure does know how to make an outstanding salad.

In the past, if I had gotten this sort of news, I would have taken it as an excuse to be gentle with myself and eat.  I'm proud of myself that I didn't do that this time.  I lost my shit in the car, then I got my shit together!  NO FOOD INVOLVED!  Now more than ever, I need to take care of my body.

Hubby cooked dinner tonight and it was outstanding!!  Bacon-wrapped pork, avocado, and fresh green beans and mushrooms.  It looked so good, I took a pic!  And it tasted better than it looked!!  He cooked the beans/mushrooms in a mixture coconut/avocado oil.  Yum!

Dinner tonight!  YUM!

Oh!  One great thing that happened today!  An old friend called me today - the one I used to work with that walked with me at lunch all the time!  It was so wonderful to hear from him!!  He's doing so well and he and his wife are trying to have a baby!!!  They are coming back to the area in April for a wedding, so we're gonna make plans to get together!!  Love those phone calls!!!!

In reflecting on the day, I would have to say it's been more good than bad.  While the news wasn't the best, it certainly wasn't the worst.  WIN!  I made some great food decisions today and didn't emotionally eat.  SUCCESS!!  I heard from a wonderful friend and had a great conversation.  AWESOME!

Perhaps something is finally sinking in...time will tell.

Onward!!

Wednesday, February 19, 2014

The White Stuff

Well...here I am...

...Thinking about the white stuff!!!

No, it's not snow and it ain't crack.  It's SUGAR!

It's been weeks and weeks and I haven't really had any thoughts or cravings regarding sugar, but when I checked my email today, I saw an email from a local pizza chain.  Their pizza is different from any pizza I've ever had and it's quite tasty.  And...I started fixating on how damn good that pizza tasted.

Okayyyyy.....

We get home late from work...about 7 pm...and what do we find?  One of the dogs had a poop fest in the basement!  We usually keep the dogs in the mud room, but we had folks coming in the house today, so we put the dogs in the basement.  Well, the oldest dog let us see and smell her displeasure at not being in her usual spot.  Damn dog!!

So, it's late and we're cleaning up dog shit - who wants to cook????  Hubby throws a bunch of buffalo chicken nuggets in the microwave and just starts eating them.  I had one and stopped.  One nugget can lead to a bag of nuggets for me.  So what the hell am I going to have???  There's leftover salmon from LAST week, leftover green beans, some grilled chicken, and leftover ribs from LAST week.  Anything other than that, I'm going to have to expend some effort and that is just not happening tonight.

Well, I don't want the salmon b/c it was overcooked and heating it up will just overcook it more.  The salmon definitely needs to be a cat treat.  I don't wanna eat the grilled chicken, else I won't have anything for my salad tomorrow and I MUST have grilled chicken in my salad.  So I ended up with the leftover ribs and the green beans.

There were a lot of beans and I ate every one of them and they were REALLY good.  They had been cooked in butter, so I guess they'd been marinating.  The leftover ribs were leftover ribs, good but nothing to write home to your mama about.

So now, it's 9:30 and I just don't feel satisfied food-wise even though I think I ate enough.  I think I'll be starving when I wake up tomorrow b/c my stomach doesn't feel neutral, it feels a little hungry...and I'm too damn lazy to go look for anything.  I don't even think there's anything to munch/crunch on since I took the nuts - no, not my husband - to work.  This has to be fixed. 

Then what happens?  Well, let me tell you.  Hubby comes up to kiss me and that dawg has been eating peanut butter.  My first thought is peanut butter and grape jelly on soft, white bread..AND I DON'T EVEN LIKE PEANUT BUTTER AND JELLY!!!

WTF?!?!?!  Where are these cray cray thoughts coming from?????  I mean, they are just popping in to my head!  Don't even let me get started on the lemon pasta I thought about earlier today.  Oh my Jesus!!  Let's just say it's a good thing I'm in a lazy mood right now.

Anyway - salad at lunch today.  I tried to replicate hubby's salads from yesterday - didn't happen.  I mean, it was really good, but that salad yesterday was YUM!

As I was changing into my nightgown this evening, I tried on the next smaller size of jeans in my closet.  And just let me report - they fit quite nicely and weren't tight or anything.  I just may wear them to work tomorrow!

The scale was up a little today, no biggie.  It's just a fluctuation.  My weight is like the stock market...wait...perhaps inversely like the stock market....While I want the market to go up and down, but mostly continue up, I would much prefer for my weight to go mostly DOWN!  Anyway, I've been doing what I'm supposed to do, so there!  It'll go down again.

I have a doctor's appointment tomorrow that worries me a little.  My nose looks a bit like Rudolf's except it's a deeper red.  A few years ago, I had some actinic keratosis on my nose.  AK is considered a pre-cursor to squamous cell carcinoma, a skin cancer.  Well, I think it's back and has progressed.  I'm just hoping it hasn't progressed to SCC else that is going to fuck up my day.  But it's easily treatable, so I should be just fine.  I just don't relish the thought of having cancer for the THIRD time.  As anyone can understand, it can really screw with your psyche.  In any event, there's a few other things I want the doc to look at as well.  I'll let me know how it goes tomorrow night.  Enough seriousness already!

I've come to enjoy the mechanics of writing my thoughts down.  And while some folks don't advocate it and others totally poo-poo the idea, I really like weighing each morning and updating my list and the weight graph.  As I was updating it this morning, I wondered what it was going to look like in a year.  All the numbers scrunched today wiping out detail.  I wondered if I would need to expand the graph across the page so I could see the progression.  I just had the thought of making the graph the blog picture instead of that snow scene, which is of our backyard by the way.

As for the daily weighing, it doesn't make me crazy and I don't generally look at an increase as a failure, but rather as a fluctuation and a reason to stay the course.  Now, that stupid five pound gain in three days was a totally different story....but that's a different story!  ;-)  So the daily weighing is more positive to me because I like knowing where I am.

Oh, and did I ever feel special today!  I got TWO comments on my blog.  I gotta admit, I was a little excited about it!  So thank you Josie and DivaDawne - you made my day!

Onward!


Tuesday, February 18, 2014

Feeling groovy

Well...here I am...

...Feeling groovy.

Crap - did I use those ellipses properly?  Probably not.  whatever... (I used to use 4 dots when I'd email a friend of mine - all because it drove him batshit crazy that I used 4 dots instead of 3.  OCD much?  ROFL)

Today's been a good day.

I got a great night's sleep last night and had the best pillow in the house.  My neck was positioned perfectly all night, so no neck pain this morning and I woke up feeling just warm and cozy.  Plus, we had a delayed arrival at work, so that was just like cream in your coffee (forget icing on the cake - too much sugar!!!)

Then, I hope on the scale this morning and it's down to a new low - Well, yippy-kai-yay!  When I go downstairs, hubby has made our lunches - yummy, yummy salads!!  Chicken, romaine, artichokes, red bell peppers, feta cheese, onions, cucumber, olives, and caesar dressing -  It was outstanding!  Hell and while the traffic looked bad, we got to work in good time and even found a short cut that allowed us to cut through a ton of traffic trying to enter the campus.  WIN!!!  I mean, we were on a roll!

I get to work and all's quiet, so I'm able to get some work done that's been waiting to be done.  I talk with co-worker who's had some family troubles lately and things are looking up!  I mean - how good can this day be????

At lunch, I took a look at Facebook, which I never do at work, and found that a friend of mine had written an excellent blog about her experiences with cancer.  It was simply outstanding and written with such a good voice.  She needs to find a bigger outlet for it - it's THAT good!

Then, I get an update from Authority Nutrition - I just love that website.  Their information works for me.  Anyway, the link that I get is from June of last year talking about the mistakes that low-carb folks make that causes them to be unsuccessful on the diet.  While reading the article, what do I see???  A reference to my new favorite book, The Art and Science of Low-Carbohydrate Living!!  This book really spoke to me and I feel it gave me a firm, peer-reviewed foundation for my new way of living  So of course, I loved the article.  Plus, it also reminded me of the mistakes I do make.

TASLCL is pro-low-carb.  But, as they point out, just because they are low-carb DOES NOT mean they are automatically high protein.  In fact, they are not.  They support high-fat (good fats), moderate protein (20-30%), and low-carb.  And for me, I've made that mistake in my mind, even now.  Upping the fat is a difficult thing to do particularly since it's been drilled in us for the last 25-35 years to eat low-fat because it's the healthiest.  For me, low-fat is not the way to go.  Anyway - I was really jazzed to see all this.

THEN, I find an article/video about magnesium that I'm excited to see, read, and learn about.  How effing nerdy am I????

I talked with a friend on the phone for a few minutes.  She's figuring it all out too.  She'd sent me an email telling me that she had misplaced 5 pounds.  I was so excited for her!  I hope she has great success!!  While she and I have a similar goal to lose a large amount of weight and learn/adopt a new lifestyle, I think our path will be a little different since our triggers/reasons/emotions are different.  But perhaps our differences will expand our strength and increase our ability/knowledge.  I'm counting on it.

Mid-afternoon, I have to go to the admin building and decide to walk it since I'd gotten exactly ZERO activity of any kind done - I don't think exercising your fingers typing counts - the entire day.  I walk outside and it is BEAUTIFUL!  After all the crapola weather we've had, it was great to breathe the fresh air and feel invigorated instead of frozen!

Now, it's Tuesday and we all know that Tuesday has traditionally been rib night in our household.  But hubby and I talked about it and were in agreement to not go out on Tuesdays.  Hell, in fact, hubby told me the only reason HE ever said he wanted to go was because he thought *I* wanted to go.  He also said that he'd been sick of eating ribs on Tuesdays for a long time!  Well shit!!  I wish he'd said something!  But, I might not have listened.   Anyway, the success is that we didn't go TONIGHT and it was totally okay.  Didn't feel deprived or bad or have any type of negative feeling.  SUCCESS!! We ended up having salmon and asparagus.  It was good! 

After cleaning the dishes, I got on my laptop and have been busily reading and chatting!  I'm trying to convince my blog friend to submit her cancer article to a larger audience.  I read Crabby McSlacker's funny blog over at Cranky Fitness.  Crabby interviewed Josie of YumYucky fame.  Josie's answers were hilarious!

Not only have I written this entry - I also updated the About Me page.  Yeah Me!

All in all, it's been a fine day.

Onward!


Monday, February 17, 2014

Feeling so-so

Well...here I am...

Feeling so-so.

Without a doubt, the antibiotics and that inhaler thingy are working wonders, but I still feel a bit tired and energy-less.

Today was a holiday for us, so hubby and I decided that we really couldn't make it two weeks without going to Costco, so to Costco we went.  Green beans, romaine lettuce, avocados, and other good things.  One fresh vegetable we bought was artichoke.  We have them all the time in the jar for salads, but I've never prepared them fresh so I thought we'd try them.  It's on the agenda for Friday night.

Now, in the interest of full disclosure, we ate out at lunch today because it was a shop that had been previously scheduled.  I've not done any of the fast food shops since I started all this; but at this particular restaurant, I can order unbreaded chicken wings, so that's usually what I order along with a side salad.  I *did* have a diet coke.  I usually drink tea, but sometimes I do like to have a diet coke.  The next time we are scheduled to go out to eat is Saturday night with some friends of ours.  They have a sick child and it's rare they're able to have a night out, so we're looking forward to it.

Another thing I want to note about the scale today is that I weighed several HOURS later than I usually do because I slept late, so there was about a 3 hour difference from the usual weighing time.

I've been taking biotin lately to see if it will help with my hair, skin, and nails.  This particular brand also has the right mix of vitamins and minerals I've been looking for - particularly, the Vitamin D - the D3, not the D2.  I also bought some magnesium supplements today that I'm going to start taking every other day.  Seems magnesium is quite a useful little element for the body and we're often deficient.

On that note, I plan to make a doctor's appointment and have some extensive bloodwork done.  I want to have my BP meds checked, I want fasting glucose, A1C, creatinine, VitD, along with a few other standard items.  The next thing I have to do is MAKE the appointment!

Every day I try to read favorite blogs, new blogs, and other health-related information.  A few days ago, I came across something called Trim Healthy Mama.  I'd never heard of it, so I started looking it up.  It seems to be quite the new craze and the creators of THM says it's not a fad diet, but rather a way of living for life  Well, this was a bit intriguing, so I dived in a little further.  Basically, it's an eating plan where you separate the macronutrients (fat, proteins, and carbs) from each other when eating.  A fat-laden meal is an S meal, a carb-laden meal is an E meal, and an FP (Fuel Pull) meal is some combination of the two.  They keep sugar to a bare minimum, so this is a plus to me.

However, it's already starting to sound a little unnatural to me.  Even so, I'm still intrigued because I'm reading all sorts of testimonials about amazingly fast weight loss on their Facebook forum and on some of the THM-related blogs.  On further reading, I find that there seems to be quite a bit of processed foods that are needed for the plan to be workable, even though they say this is a natural plan with natural foods.  This is a sticking point and not so intriguing to me.

I dive a bit deeper and I begin to find folks that are not so happy with this plan, even some who were successful.  The reason most often given is that the plan is untenable in the long term and that it makes you food crazy to the point where you're thinking about food nonstop.  This seems UNBEARABLE to me.  I also noted one particular post of a woman who had posted on the FB forum about her lack on weight loss even though she had strictly adhered to the plan.  She reported that one of the moderators told her that she was being too negative and shouldn't put such things on the forum.  This sounds terrible to me.

So, what have I learned?  Well, I learned a little bit about this THM and I *do* tend to think of it as a fad-ish sort of thing - I think I'll stick with the road I'm on, no bandwagon for me.  One blogger who  had success but quit THM said it best:  " For those of you who love THM and all it stands for, WONDERFUL – enjoy it. For those of you who don’t, WONDERFUL – enjoy whatever method you prefer. For those who disagree...with our opinion and want to troll us - GO AWAY!"  It works for me.

Onward!

Saturday, February 15, 2014

Still alive

Well...here I am...

Still alive...barely

Wow though - it's been a tough couple of days.  We had a big ol' snowstorm and I had a relapse or something.  I finally went to the doctor today - seems I actually have a severe sinus infection along with some sort of allergy thing going on.  I'm on an antibiotic and some sort of nasal spray.  After just one of the antibiotic pills, I feel a bit better.

For the second time in two weeks, I've stayed in the bed for a couple of days - from Wednesday through this morning (Saturday).  I thought that if I got up, took a shower, and DID something, I'd feel better.

Well I didn't.  Hubby and I had to go do some errands today.  First stop was the bank and then on to the hardware store to get a new mailbox - snow plows plowed over ours.  While we were out, we went to Cracker Barrel for breakfast.  I had eggs, bacon, ham, and tomatoes.  Then it was off to the grocery store and liquor store.  On the way home, I just felt awful and all I wanted to do was go back to bed.

We didn't make the usual Costco run today - no need this week.  However, at the grocery store, I bought some Swerve sweetener.  10 bucks!  It was quite pricey, but there's a recipe I'd like to try when I feel better.  It's a recipe from a website I mentioned a few days ago.  Good thing I've written all this down, else I would have no idea how to go back and find it!  Yeah me.

After we got home, I was cleaning the kitchen and realized I needed to go to the doctor.  Hubby took me and sure enough, I've got a really bad sinus infection.  Who knew?!?!  Anyway...I've got meds, so I should be on the mend.  I do wish my face would stop draining though...

Okay - so where am I?  I haven't written anything in a few days because I felt like such total shit, but I did weigh every day, even though it was royally pissing me off.  I mean seriously, there was a damn five pound GAIN????  What's the effing deal with that?  It has started to come down, but still...

Well - in my misery I went back in my mind what I'd been doing.  And it points to one thing really - eating out.  We eat out so often because we work long hours and it's just convenient.  I've worked quite hard to make sure that I eat properly when we eat out - no bread, no sugar - meats and veggies only, but there's got to be something there.  I also think that the medicines I've been taking and the just generally feeling like crap have also led to some of the weight gain.

I hate to think that eating out often is the reason for my lack of weight loss, but I really can't think of any other thing at all.  I think I need to commit to not eating out for a while and see if I see a difference. With the exception of Cracker Barrel, we've eaten at home the last several days and the scale went down on the following day.  Okay, it's anecdotal, but it could be true!

I committed to exercising this week and I haven't done so, but I truly do have a good excuse.  The getting out and about today just about wore me out.  Hubby keeps shooing me off to bed to rest, but I am sleeping an awful lot.  But if I'm honest with myself, it doesn't bother me that I haven't exercised.  THAT in itself is a problem that needs to be fixed.  One thing at a time though.

I wish I had more interesting things to say, but I'm just plain ol' me.

Onward!


Tuesday, February 11, 2014

What the???

Well...here I am...

Wondering what the hell is going on with this weight?

So I get on the scale this morning and it's UP!!!  AGAIN!  ARGGHHHHHH!!!!!!

What is going on?  I don't know, but can I come up with any ideas???

The only thing that really comes to mind is that I'm taking medicine - could that have something to do with it?  Well I don't know, so I did what everyone does - I googled it!  Seems that it might be a possibility, the jury seems to be out.  I'm taking allergy and cold medicine and have been taking OTC pain meds for about a week now.

I don't think I've increased my salt intake - I haven't added salt to anything either.

Could it be because we went out to eat?  Perhaps, but we didn't go out of eat Sunday night.  As a matter of fact, we I believe we ate at home this weekend.  We did eat out last night - perhaps it's a possibility.

Could it be that stupid zucchini bread I had yesterday?  I don't know - Lordie I hope not - that would be terrible.

The zucchini bread was a matter of a lack of control and lack of thought.

Okay - back to my regularly scheduled program.

It's impossible that I gained 3 pounds in 2 days, so part of it has to be water weight even though I don't feel particularly bloated.

I guess this is all a part of the process, but dammit, I f*cking hate this part of the process - just f*cking hate it!

I think I will track my food for the next few days and see what happens - perhaps something will fall out and I'll discover an answer.

I'm also going to look at what I was doing during that part of my graph that indicates my weight was going down to see if I'm doing something different now than what I was then.

The weather man says we're due for a big snow storm tomorrow evening through Thursday.  I've got to say I'm looking forward to it so long as we don't lose power.  I don't mind staying home; in fact, I love staying home.  I brought some work home just in case.  Of course, I brought it home a day early, but oh well.

Finally, I feel like smashed dog poo.  The medicines only partially work, but it seems I can't not take them otherwise I feel like smashed and squashed dog poo.  I'll be so glad to be over this cold/flu/general yuck/whatever it is I have.

Onward!

Monday, February 10, 2014

Having a crappy day

Well...here I am...

Having a crappy day.

I woke up this morning and felt terrible.  My throat is totally painful, my face hurts, and I have a terrible headache. Then, I step on the scale and it's UP!!!  What the eff is up with that???  It's just frustrating! My hair would not do what it's supposed to do and the traffic was a total bear.

And this was all before 8 am!!

So I get to work and give a co-worker a box of Turkish sweets that I had found.  She was quite sweet about it and offered me a piece.  It was very easy to pass it up; she understood and did not pressure me when I passed on the offer.  Success!

Two minutes later, another co-worker comes into her office and informs us that zucchini nut bread is in the secretary's office.  Okay - this is a little harder to pass up.  But I deal with it.

Fast forward to 4:30.  As I'm walking past the office, I notice there's just the heel of that stupid zucchini bread left.  Like a vulture, I swoop into the office and cut a 2x2 piece and eat it.

There's a lot of things wrong with this.  1)  If I had planned to have a piece of that stupid cake after lunch, that would have been okay; but I almost mindlessly did it.  2)  It wasn't even that good - mine is much better!

Yuck! Yuck! Yuck!

Right now though, I just doesn't care.  I just want to feel better.

So after work, we go to CVS since I had run out of any medicine at home.  The sheer number of medicines at CVS boggled my mind, so I went to the pharmacist who proceeded to ask me about any medications I'm taking.  Well yeah, I take blood pressure medication.  She proceeds to tell me that I shouldn't be taking the the daytime medications because of the phenylephrine.  Well shit!

I think THAT explains that intense headache I got yesterday while I was working out!  Makes me feel better, but a little scared at the same time because that really was an intense sort of headache - like my head was going to explode.

So, I ended up with the night time medicine and some allergy medicine and pain reliever during the day.

This only means that I have yet another reason to get this weight off - to get off blood pressure medication so I won't have to worry about medicine interactions.

So yeah - I can't fall off the wagon.  I had a little detour today, but that's life.

Onward!

Sunday, February 9, 2014

Relapse perhaps

Well...here I am...

Having a relapse...perhaps.

I felt pretty okay yesterday, but today I have a headache again and I'm just not feeling 100% at all.  My neck is stiff...again...and I just feel blah.  But ya gotta trudge on.

I think about this road I'm on all the time and I don't know if it's a good thing or not.  I don't think so much about the scale, but more about the journey - how long will it take to lose all the weight?  if/when am I going to hit a plateau? can I stick with it forever?  how will my eating adapt over time?

I feel pretty settled in and calm with everything I'm doing, but I do have a vague sense of doubt.  Perhaps I'm just not confident with these changes yet.  Keeping that mean "failure" devil on my shoulder at bay is an on-going effort, but it's not overly difficult.  It's just there.

The scale was down this morning, so that's good.  I've gotta say - I played the game of moving the scale around the floor in the hopes of getting the scale to go down just 0.2 lbs more, so that I would be less than 275!  I shouldn't be greedy, but such is me.

Talking about the scale, I was thinking today that I'll believe I'm on the right track and doing the right thing when my weight falls below 265.  Why that number?  I'm not sure, but I think it's because I've gotten to that point in recent years and then reversed direction.  I've basically lost 5 lbs in the last month.  I was hoping that it would be more like 10-12, but I have to remember that I am a 52 year old, out of shape woman.  But I am changing all that.  In any event, the scale IS down a solid 5 pounds and I'm glad of it!

Yesterday was a pretty good day.  Hubby and I slept a bit late yesterday, but made a quick trip out and about to get a few things done.  I didn't eat before we left, so I was hungry when we got home.  I was in a rush to get going because I had a nail and hair appointment, so I just ate some chicken and called it good.

My nails look really good and my hair looks great.  I really like the new style - my hair has a lot of movement now and just really works for me.  It was a new salon for me, but I will be a regular customer.

We had steak and asparagus for dinner last night.  It was quite cold outside, so hubby cooked them in the oven.  I don't know how he did it, but they were really good and tasted great.  For breakfast this  morning, I made a wonderful omelette.  It was simple - just eggs, bacon, and cheese - but it was really good.  Every time I make/eat an omelette, I think of some friends of ours in Georgia.  The first time we stayed with them, the husband made these wonderful omelettes with neufchatel cheese.  YUM!

I didn't exercise yesterday, so that meant I had to do it today.  And God knows, exercising is a struggle for me.

We have a smart TVs that has an exercise option (who knew?!?!), so I checked that out and ended up doing a 20-minute pilates segment.  It's amazing how out of shape I actually am, but I finished the 20 minutes.  Towards the end, I got an intense headache - I think it's because I was actually holding my breath instead of breathing while doing some of the moves - how stupid is that?  It took a few minutes for the headache to go away, but I'm good now.

So - mission accomplished.  It wasn't what I had planned, but I moved.  My goal now is to exercise two times in the coming week and to wear that pedometer every day and try to move a minimum of 5000 steps...each day...not for the entire week.

It's a bit frustrating that I'm so unfit.  I mean I used to do 10k steps easily, but now?  Laziness has taken over.  It's my own fault.  And if I don't start somewhere, I'll never get back there.

I've also been looking for some sugar-free desserts that I could make.  I found a website called All Day I Dream About Food.  It looks quite interesting and I'm sure I'll be looking at her recipes regularly.

Anyway, this is where I am today.

Onward.



Friday, February 7, 2014

Finally starting to feel better

Well...here I am...

Finally starting to feel better.

It's been a tough couple of days.  I felt like some serious dog poo.  Aches, pains, chills, painful throat, fever, horrible headache, but no cough.  I think the headache was the worst part - like some funky neck/sinus sort of thing.  Anyway, I've basically been in the bed since Tuesday evening, but I finally got up today and took a shower.  I think I'm gonna live.

As well, we had a horrible storm and we lost power early Wednesday morning; but we were some of the lucky ones and got power back late Wednesday afternoon.  I think some folks might still be without power.

Even though I didn't feel well, I made sure I ate good food.  I'm one of those folks who feels sorry for themselves when they don't feel good, so in the past I've always justified being sick as a reason to go on an eating spree.  Not so this time - and that was a big thing for me.

The scale hasn't had much movement, but that's okay - I've barely moved in the last three days, so it shouldn't move!

Even though I haven't written anything in the last few days, I've done a lot of reading and a lot of thinking.  I've run across some excellent blogs that I added to my list.  Cranky Fitness is so funny, but to the point.  As well, I found Nia Shanks and GoKaleo to be motivating as well.

It's funny how things work.  Reading their blogs brought something to the forefront that's been rolling around in the back of my mind for a while now.

That something is exercise.

I don't get enough and I think it's important to build up some muscle to help maintain this weight loss when it's all said and done.

Now about 12 years ago, I joined a gym and hired a personal trainer.  I loved it.  Our first session was horrible - it was amazing how out of shape I was - and I was about 75 lbs lighter at the time!  Anyway, I'll never forget our first session working with all the weights - I loved it.  At the end of the session, he had me get on the elliptical.  I'd never been on an elliptical before, but didn't think it looked so hard.  Ben knew better though.  At the end of 90 seconds...yes seconds....I thought I was going to DIE.  I could barely move.

Funny thing though, within just a few weeks, I loved that elliptical and could go with medium resistance for 45-60 minutes.  Ben had a term for my ability to so quickly adapt, but I can't remember what it was.  I went for several months and great things were happening.

Anyway - other things happened.  Two different cancer diagnoses, but that's a different blog.

Fast forward to 2010.  I'm 75 lbs heavier, I'm in a different state, I have a different job, and I have an office mate.  I *loved* this office mate.  Sweetest young man ever - like a younger son/brother.

Anyway, he knew I was going to Weight Watchers and that I wasn't losing very much weight at all.  He offered to walk with me at lunch and I accepted.  Now let me tell you something about this officemate - his hobby is bodybuilding and he's won national championships, but he's got this whole health thing going on at the same time.

So, we started walking at lunch, then we started walking on the weekend.  We ended up walking 2.5 miles every day at lunch in 30 minutes.  On the weekends, we worked our way up to 13.1 miles - it was incredible.  I felt good, I felt strong, but I still wasn't losing weight at any appreciable rate.  It was quite frustrating to not be losing any weight.  One good thing though was that I could finally keep pace, maybe even outpace a little, my husband!

My officemate told me that he could give me a workout plan that he was confident would help me lose weight and build some muscle.  He worked up a plan for me and even came to my house to coach me through the first time to ensure I had good form, etc. Doing it alone though - I didn't last long - I think I did it for about 2 months and it just petered away. 

Then my wonderful office mate got another job and not only moved out of the area, but he moved to another part of the country!

And that was the end of that.

Fast forward, it's a few years later and I'm here.   I hate to exercise and just get bored with it.  We've got a Precor elliptical in the basement.  They say to watch TV while you're doing it, but it's all just boring.  I've never found anything that's held my attention.

I think I'm making good progress -  no I haven't lost 30 lbs in 30 days, but I have lost some weight, I feel in control, and I feel like I'm moving forward.  However, I think I really do need to add some exercise to my life.

A few weeks ago, I bought a pedometer and it's shown me just how inactive I am during the day.  I need to fix this and I don't think it's the cardio I need - I think it's resistance.  I don't think exercise is going to help me lose weight, but I think it will help me build some muscle and perhaps help me restore some of the muscle I'm losing as a result of my weight loss.

Can I just say that it drives me nuts when you're "dieting" and you hit a plateau and folks say, "You must be turning that fat into muscle and muscle weighs more than fat".  I mean it drives me to distraction.  Fat and muscle are two different entities in our body - one doesn't turn into the other.  And unless science has made a new discovery, you build muscle by heavy resistance.

Anyway - the workout my office mate gave me was simple:  3x8 of overhead press (w/65 lb bar), pulldowns, and squats - I think that's what they're called.  Before this weekend is over, I'm going to do this workout.

I hope I'm not fooling/lying to myself.  My motivation is different now, but I gotta say this is gonna be hard - following through with actually working out.  I've got to figure something out to make it work.

Onward!

Tuesday, February 4, 2014

Getting Sick

Well...here I am...

Getting sick.

I haven't felt good this week and think I'm coming down with a cold or the flu.  I never get sick - I get headaches - but I never get sick.

It's only Tuesday and I feel that I've already put in a full week at work.  I seem to hit the ground running when I get to work and don't stop until after I get home.  I ate lunch at my desk today and was interrupted three different times.  I was trying to answer emails while I ate lunch.  I shouldn't complain, I much prefer it to NOT being busy - I've had plenty of that before!

My feelings and nutrition have been pretty good so far this week - nothing strange or out of the ordinary, but I think I want to find a snack.  I've been having some nuts - either almonds or walnuts - when I need something in the afternoon.  But it's pretty boring - I want to find something good, but I can't decide what that is.  I'll figure something out.

Tonight was rib night - so we'll see what tomorrow brings.  I do enjoy it with my husband.  It's a little strange eating a salad with ribs, but that's what I do.

Not much to say tonight - I just want to close my eyes and sleep.

Onward...

Sunday, February 2, 2014

The quick fix

Well...here I am...

Thinking about quick fixes.

Over the last several days, I've been thinking about all the different ways in which I've tried to lose weight.  I've tried all the popular diet plans - some with great success for a very long period of time.  It's been the last 10 years or so that it's all gotten away from me.

The last thing I tried before deciding knowing and understanding that there really is no quick fix was Garcinia Cambogia.  I took it in the mornings and would get a headache within an hour of taking it.  On the days I didn't take it, I didn't get a headache.  I tried different scenarios, but the result was always the same - a headache.  To top it all off - I didn't lose an ounce of weight!

Now I know objectively and intellectually that it wouldn't work, but emotionally I was hoping.  It's the same thing with some of the other "diets" I've tried.  The thing about it is that I always looked at "it" as "THE" thing that was going to fix my problem.  I didn't understand then, and I'm only starting to *really* understand now that there is no quick fix, but just ongoing effort - digilent, always mindful effort - for the rest of my life.

In those moments when I realize that this will be forever, I get panicky  It happened today and it was terrible.  I'm brushing my teeth and looking at my face and I had the thought that my skin was looking better.  The VERY NEXT THOUGHT was negative - 'you'll never be able to do it'.  Hubby came in to the bathroom at that moment and saw that I was upset.  He was sweet and when I told him what I was thinking, he said, "You ARE doing it."  He's not of man of a lot of words and his ability to cut out all emotion and get to the grit was just right.

I guess the thing about it is that I have a lot of weight to lose and you always hear about long-term success and how it's very difficult.  However, I've read quite a few blogs of those who have had long term success, so I know it's possible.  The getting from here to there is the tough part.  There are so many habits that I need to learn, un-learn, and re-learn.

We made our weekly Costco run today - yesterday turned out to be a totally lazy day.  Before we left, hubby asked if I was going to get something to eat before we left.  It's the first time he's done that before.  So I took a few minutes, made a smoothie, and drank it on the way there.

As we were checking out, hubby said he didn't want to eat lunch there - okay, no big deal.  He decided that he wanted to go to a restaurant where a chef acquaintance of our had just taken over.  So that's where we went.  The chef came to our table - he's a young fellow and I always tell him he should be on Top Chef - and it was great catching up with him.  I took the opportunity to ask him about the menu, so I knew what was what.

When I finally went to order, I ordered my chicken with no rice.  The server was a bit of a butt about it, but I told him emphatically that I didn't want rice on my plate and that he could put broccoli on it instead.  Then I ordered the other side veggie of squash/zucchini.  This is what my lunch looked like:


It was really good and filling.  That's a chicken breast with mozzarella and a salsa on top surrounded by squash and zucchini.  Underneath the breast was about a cup of broccoli.  After I had eaten about half of the dish, I realized I was full - SO I STOPPED EATING.  I was pleased with myself that I stopped when I was full.  Hell, I'm glad I realized I WAS full.  Somehow I think I have (had?) this idea in my head that if it's healthy, it's okay to go ahead and eat it all regardless of my satiety.  Silly me.

Dinner tonight was left over meatloaf (about 3 oz) and a very small chicken breast (about 3.5 oz) along with some leftover beans and fresh spinach.  Note to self:  Spinach and coconut oil are not a good match.

So what's the point?  I guess the point is not all the choices that I'm going to have to make until I get this weight off and all the choices I'm going to have to make to keep it off.  The only choice that REALLY MATTERS is the choice I make RIGHT NOW.  If my effort is to make the best choices I can as often as I can - I think I'll come out on top.

I think I can live with that.

None of this makes sense, but that feeling this morning really left me a little unsettled - they're out of nowhere.

A few other little accomplishments today was that I got the pantry cleaned out.  I got rid of everything that we were not going to eat (since the kids are gone) and everything that had expired.  I was quite satisfied.  I need to do that with every closet in the house and the basement!

Oh - the Seahawks did an excellent job at the Super Bowl.  I kinda feel bad for the Broncos - it was a whooping!

Onward...

Saturday, February 1, 2014

Saturday morning

Well...here I am...

On Saturday morning and I have a bit of a headache..

Dealing with this water weight from my period is really frustrating.  The scale is wobbling up and down.  I hope it settles down soon.

Funny thing how your mind works.  When I stepped on the scale this morning, I thought it was down a little, when in fact it was up a little.  Not a big deal really, but I was a little surprised that I was wrong.  Just a thought.

Yesterday was a really long day - dealing with folks at work, not that they're mean or anything, is sometimes tiring.  Plus, I'm in a new position and I want to do a great job for the folks that report to me because they all work so hard - for the folks I report to as well.  Being the newbie is a delicate balance.

I've got such a set pattern for my morning breakfast - a smoothie.  I mean, it's got the things I need, it tastes good, and it keeps me happy until lunchtime.  So - that's what I had for breakfast yesterday.  Lunch was with hubby at a Mexican place.

Thinking back on this, I'm reminded that this is where things can go awry.

Anyway - lunch was late and both hubby and I were starving.  When the fellow brought the chips, I didn't think anything of it.  I had no intention of eating them.  Well, I got a hunger pain - a real hunger pain - and so I ate a single chip loaded with salsa - it's made in-house and fresh - not the canned stuff...and it was so refreshing.  But that's all I had.  When I ordered lunch, I asked about sugar and msg; the server said neither of those things were added, so I got a mixed fajita plate with steak, chicken, and vegetables, black beans, sour cream, guacamole, lettuce, and tomato.  Hold the tortillas and hold the rice.  It sounds like a huge amount of food - but it wasn't so much.  There was about 6 oz of steak/chicken total.  The vegetables were broccoli, carrots, and onions.

As with the rest of the day, we also worked late and didn't leave work until almost 7 - who works that late on a FRIDAY?!?!?!  Old people!  lol

So...we decided to go to Carrabba's for dinner.  We ordered a bottle of wine and I had 2 glasses over the entire meal and water.  I ordered the pork chops with spinach and a side caesar (hold the croutons).  We also had the tomatoes caprese as an appetizer.  Well, while waiting on our food, the server brought the dreaded bread basket.  I took the heel since it was the smallest piece and divided it into 3 pieces and dredged it in the oil and spice.  It was good.

The interesting thing is that after I ate it, I must have gotten a little antsy or something.  I did have a little argument going on inside as to whether I should have 'just one more piece'.  My husband must have picked up on it or something because, without a word, he took the bread basket and moved it to his corner of the table where it was out of my reach.  I appreciated it a bunch.

Now - does a single chip with salsa at lunch and a small slice of bread in oil at dinner really bad?  Nope - not at all.  However, for me it can be the beginning of a slippery slope and one I don't want to be on at all.  I probably should consider the wine the same way, but for some reason I don't.  I guess it's because I don't have any sort of emotions tied up with wine.

Another thing too is that I decided to myself before we got to the restaurant that I was going to have some wine - I didn't decide that I was going to have even a single chip at lunch or bread at dinner.  I think that's where the separation is.  I made a decision to have the wine.  The chip and the bread were more of a reaction.

On the way home, I asked my husband how he thought I did at dinner and whether he thought the wine was okay.  His response was that I had done fine and besides it was my splurge meal, so I was okay.  That comment brought me up a little short.  First of all, I hadn't considered dinner to be a splurge at the time, but when my husband said that I knew he was right.

He and I had a conversation a while back where we talked about eating and food and I said that I would have a meal I wanted once a week - a splurge if you will.  At the time, he asked me several questions about it, such as whether it was a splurge meal or a splurge day.  I told him it was a meal and also also told him that the splurge didn't mean that I was going hog wild and eat a loaf of bread or a container of ice cream; rather, I would be something that I enjoyed and that I had decided on ahead of time.

Given what we had discussed, hubby considered that meal to be a splurge, whereas for me, it hadn't even entered my mind.  There's something telling there and I can see it, but I just can't describe it.  Hubby has no ties to food and is pretty objective in general, so it seems that his assessment is probably right.

Mind set and control - I've got to get hold of both of these things, wrap my mind around it, wallow in it, let it soak in.  I think I'm learning.  Baby steps.

When I woke up this morning, I had a bit of a headache.  I still do.  I don't know if it's from the wine, the added sugar yesterday, or TOM stuff.  All I know is that I'd rather not have a headache.

Onward...