Well...here I am...
...thinking and treading carefully.
The scale showed a very nice weight loss yesterday. Said loss was promptly gone when I stepped on the scale this morning.
WHY dammit!?!?! I mean, SERIOUSLY?!?!?!?
Hmmm...well - I am clearly getting ready to start; my tummy hurts, my back hurts, and I feel kinda yucky. Plus, I took the mixed nuts to work yesterday and may have indulged just a bit too much. Other than that, I got nothing. One I can't do anything about, but the other I can fix. I was much more careful about the nuts today. That, plus I was busy all day at work - I didn't have time to think 'bout no stinkin' nuts!
I've been uneasy the last few days and I think I figured out what it is. I've gained and lost the same 15 or so pounds that I've lost several times over the last few years. I get down to around 270 and then things just seem to go to hell. I realized that I've been telling myself that I really don't *TRUST* what I'm doing or even my ability to do it because I've been here before. I think I'll have some internal confidence once my weight gets down to about 265. This range of weight is a hurdle for me, so need to be extra mindful.
Now all this begs the question WHY I failed in previous attempts? I think there are several reasons.
1. I do think sugar does something funky to my body and I don't process it very well. As a result, I feel I do better on a lower carbohydrate diet. I did Atkins before, but I think I misinterpreted the intent. I took it to mean high-protein (which is not the case). As a result, I ate a LOT of protein and not enough fat or carbs. I've read that too much protein can also slow down weight loss.
So, I would lose the initial water weight that you always lose, but then the weight would stop because I had too much protein. Frustration ensued and I fell off the wagon. Not only would I fall off the wagon, I would fall into the hole UNDER the wagon!
2. I would have some success and would reward myself. "Oh - you've lost some weight. Look at you in the mirror - don't you look sassy!!!!" These thoughts seemed to give me permission to reward myself....with food. The ultimate reward was an even fatter ass. Hmmm...not a good reward at all.
3. Alternatively, I would feel sorry for myself. "Oh - you're working so hard; you've not had anything *FUN* to eat in a while now. You can have this, it'll be okay. Go ahead. It'll be fine." Well - it wasn't fine - not at all. I mean seriously, food is fun? Bullshit. Food is supposed to be fuel, sustenance, a requirement. It's not fun. Sex is fun, volleyball is fun, watching a move is fun. Food isn't fun.
4. I would compare myself to others who successfully lost weight in no time flat. Now, let me say that if I think back on it, I don't personally *know* anyone who lost a large amount of weight lickety-split and then went on to have nary a worry about their weight ever, ever again. THAT PERSON DOES NOT EXIST. Even though I didn't follow them or even really abide them, I think I felt jealous of the promise of the quick fix these fad weight loss plans offered.
Unconsciously, I think this is why I'm trying to be so mindful, so very mindful, of emotional eating. I'm trying my very best to have a realistic look at my efforts. For me, the graph is a wonderful tool to me. I can honestly see how my eating affects my weight.
Is my plan now perfect? Not at all. But it's working for me. My friend started Ideal Protein yesterday and if I'm honest with myself, I'm jealous of the weight she'll lose. If I continue to be honest with myself, I know such a plan will probably not work for me. I've gotta learn as I go along and incorporate habits that are going to last me the rest of my life. It doesn't mean that I won't ever have a bowl of ice cream or fried chicken. It *does* mean that I need to learn to eat for nutrition and not for emotion. I can enjoy my so-called "fun" food, but with the right frame of mind - as a treat, not as a crutch.
I read other weight-loss blogs and love them all. I have my own little interwebs therapy deal going on in the comfort of my own home. So many levels of motivation. Those who have successfully kept the weight off for a long time, those who are currently losing weight, and perhaps more important in some ways, those who lost the weight, but gained it back and are going through the whole deal again. I think they may have some particular insight to offer. I think it takes a lot of strength to face it again. I may admire those folks most of all.
Anyway - that's what's in my brain tonight.
Feel free to comment, I'd like to hear what folks have to say.