Well....here I am...
...lazing on a Sunday afternoon! In case you don't know, that's also the title to a Queen song. Queen is my all-time favorite rock band. Their hit songs are great, but it's their other music that didn't play on the radio that I really love.
Enough about Queen. This is my first post since Thursday. Things are going okay, but I am frustrated - it's the culmination of a lot of different things and I need to get my ducks in a row and get a move on.
The scale was at 273 on Friday, but was up to 276.4 on Saturday morning. This is directly linked to dinner Friday night - my *cheat* meal - and the fact that I started.
Hubby got back to town Friday evening and we decided to go for our dinner out. I had noticed that my weight stalled when we ate out, so we decided that we would limit our eating out to one night a week. We do a good job of following that for the most part. I've gotta confess though, we did eat out with our elderly friend last night as well. Persian again, so it was joojeh for me.
Anyway, dinner Friday night included a bottle of wine and appetizers. I had a pork dish with spinach and salad for the entree. No dessert. I expected a temporary again, but it was more than I expected by a long shot. But wine and that TOM does that to a woman - especially me.
I have been feeling a bit overwhelmed lately at the idea of how long it's going to take me to lose the weight. I'm thinking about 2.5 years. I try NOT to think about it and instead concentrate on figuring out how to make permanent changes in my eating habits, enjoy life, lose weight, and NOT go batshit crazy in the process.
Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's hard. For the most part, it's manageable. But sometimes, I become aware of this strange, knawing, dissatisfied feeling. It's hard to put into words. I don't know if it's because I'm inept at writing and just don't have the words or if I don't want to voice feelings and emotions. I don't think so, but sometimes it seems like I'm feeling something that I don't have the words for - does that make sense? In any event, it makes me uneasy - like a hammer is going to fall or something bad is going to happen.
One thing is the slow rate at which I'm losing weight and there are reasons for that - reasons that I think will help me be successful in the long run, but right now, it's frustrating. The biggest thing is probably because I'm not counting calories at all - I do a spot check every now and then to make sure I'm doing what I thinking I'm doing, but that's it. I'm trying to eat as healthy as I can - real food and no "white" stuff the majority of the time. The other thing is probably my age - I'm not in my 20's anymore; the third thing is my activity level/metabolism.
But, overall it does seem to be working albeit slowly. Intellectually, I think this will hold me in good stead in the long term, but I get impatient, particularly when I *want* to lose faster.
And then...the little voice inside me starts talking about all the things I can do. Yannow...if you combine 3 or 4 different plans - yeah, you'll lose faster. If you track every single bite that goes in your mouth, you'll lose weight faster. If you only eat 1000 calories a day, you'll lose weight faster If you force yourself to exercise for an hour everyday, you'll do better. If you only do this, If you only do that...
It's all these "if's" that make me feel like I need to be perfect in order to successfully get this weight off. It's these same "if's" that have lead me to failure. EVERY.SINGLE.TIME.
I *know* this - my brain knows this. So WHY do I still have this bullshit in my head? If I knew why, I think I'd be a rich woman. Because in the end, I know I'm not the only one. I read another blog today that spoke of this in a manner. This blogger has lost a large amount of weight in the past and is currently struggling after having gained some of the weight back. Reading her post really hit home to me because she was talking about how she's lost her motivation - her IT. The other thing that struck me about her post was that she was putting more emphasis on her failures rather than on her successes - and she's been quite successful.
Why do we do that to ourselves? Is it a woman thing? I mean, I understand tempering your successes and being aware of how easy it is to backslide, but still. I don't know how to overcome our self-negativity, except to talk positively to ourselves and perhaps one day, we'll have more positive self-talk than negative.
I have a lot of thoughts/feelings wrapped up in this that I don't know to fully express. All I know is that I do have plenty of my own negative self-talk, which causes me to be dissatisfied. In turn, it's lead me down the wrong path in the past. I'm working hard to make sure it doesn't happen this time. I MUST turn this around.