Wednesday, March 19, 2014

Through the eyes of others

Well...here I am...

...wondering what things look like through the eyes of others.

But FIRST!

A new low!!!  I stepped on the scale this morning and it was 268.  I was pretty happy about it - I may just reach the goal of getting to 265 before the end of the month!  That's two large losses over the last two days.  I'm thinking the scale will be up tomorrow.  It's all good.

I had an incredible dinner tonight - tacos without traditional shells, but with whole romaine leaves instead.  Also, I grated the cheese very finely to increase the surface area, so it would have a stronger taste and go further - worked like a charm!  It was so, so good - I felt like I was "cheating" or something.  It was mmm mmmm mmm good!

My yummy dinner!
So...

I'm sitting at work today and I start thinking about my daughter.  She's had a tough time lately and I wish I could be there with her to just hold her and cuddle her.  We talk several times a day and Skype almost every day, but I'd still like to soothe her, rub her hair, and just let her talk.

It led me to thinking about the picture she gave me for Christmas and how much she loved the picture, just wanted to have a picture of us together, and how much it meant to her.

Next thing I knew, emotions were crashing around me and I was crying in  my office - to the point I had to shut the door.  It took me a few minutes to get my shit together.

I've had it so wrong for so long.  I've just wasted so much time on stupid shit that in the end just doesn't matter at all.

Those who love me don't look at me with judgmental eyes.  They look at me through our history together.   They look at me as wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend.  They think of me as loving, funny, caring, loyal, silly, hopefully intelligent, sometimes bitchy, periodically cranky, and a tad crazy.  These are very GOOD things.

They don't think of me as fat.  Their feelings for me aren't defined by my weight; they're defined by our relationship and our feelings for each other.  Hell, I'm crying now just writing this.

For some reason, this is just so overwhelming and I don't know why.  Fuck - I'm 52 years old and I JUST NOW realized that I am not my fat or my weight.

I'm much, much more than that.

Like Stuart Smalley in the SNL skits, "...I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog-gone-it, people like me."  Or Sally Field at the Academy Awards, "...you like me, you really like me!"

In light of that, I feel like I've been released from some sort of chain and I don't have to hide - like I ever really was - since I'm out there anyway.  Like what the hell is up with me now showing my face.  Really why do I give a rat's ass if someone were to see my picture?

So in light of this, here's a few pictures of me with the important folks in my life:

This is the picture that started it all.  My daughter gave me a framed copy for Christmas.  The frame said, "No one loves me like my mom."  After this picture was taken, I started lightening up a bit about the camera.

We were kayaking down the Shenandoah to the Potomac River in 2010.  My daughter says this is her favorite picture of me.  She sent it to me for Mother's Day and said, "This is always cracking me up.  I won't post it to Facebook, but I wanted you to know if I were to put a picture on Facebook...this would be the one.  None of that artsy-fartsy crap.  Caption would be:  Happy Mother's Day to DonnaAnn.  You think you have a great Mom, but I doubt she rocks the life jacket and kayak as well as mine can.  Love you Mom!

I like to joke that this is my 86 year old boyfriend.  He's a dear friend of our family.  He had a stroke in 2012 and lost most of his language.  Since his stroke, I pick him up one day each weekend and we spend the day doing whatever I've got planned.  Every time he sees me, he looks intently at me and says, "so beautiful" while he grabs my hand.  He doesn't see me as any body except someone he loves.  This was his 86th birthday.  He's also Maggie the Cat's papa. 

This is my family the Saturday after Thanksgiving 2013.  As usual, we couldn't all get it right at the same time.  In my daughter's words, "We're all fucktards!" but says that she looks "smokin'!"  My mother was in another picture and said, "It's a happy time and I look like shit.  Everyone else looks great."  My sister said, "You may have been adopted and my son is really tall."  I showed the photo to my husband tonight and he said, "Looks like you've lost weight since then."  My daughter LOVES making that pose.  I think I have some handsome kids.  We're all tall too.  My son is 6'6".


This is my mom and me.  One of the few we have.  The last one was at least 7 years ago.  I originally blacked out our faces so we couldn't be identified.  I don't know what I was hiding.




My seester and me.  She really is THE best sister ever - we've always been there for each other.  We took the picture to embarass her teenage daughter.  Seriously, there's nothing wrong with kissing girls - even if you're a girl!


So there I am.  I see all these pictures now and I really do see them differently today than I did yesterday.

I'm gonna repost my progress photos avec tete!  But not tonight.

Onward!

9 comments:

  1. You are such a beautiful person and your pictures made me smile! And while it's awesome that you're making such progress on the scale its so clear you are so much more than whatever number it might show.

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    1. Thank you so much Crabby! I'm glad the pictures made you smile b/c they're of my favorite people! You'd get a kick out of all of them. They're all sassy to the bone!

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  2. Nice to see your face! You are right - we are not defined by size, fat or a number.

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    1. Diva - thank you! It took me a while to get it, but another light went off!

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  3. I love that you posted pictures and I do believe you are so right in just how our loved ones see us- thanks for leading the way!

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    1. Anon - Yup! The folks who love us are the important ones - and they love us no matter what!

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  4. It sounds like your daughter is one lucky girl to have such a great mother. She must be brilliant to know and appreciate how great her mother is. I love the kayaking picture!!

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  5. Betty - I've got to say, *I'm* the lucky one!!! Both of my kids are wonderful people - they're smart, they're caring, they give back, AND they love their mama!

    The kayaking pic is my daughter's favorite!

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  6. I hate to post pics of myself too! Although maybe I need to post more and get used to them. You are so right! We are not our weight or any of the outer trappings. We are who we are and I want to surround myself with people who love me just the way I am today without any judgments. Some of my family doesn't make that list and I am trying hard to figure out what to do with that - but Hopefully it will come to me some day.

    Thanks for posting pics - you are a great looking lady! I see warmth, kindness and intelligence with a spark of adventure! Am I right?

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