Well...here I am...
...and I'm a little proud of myself.
Hubster is on travel, which means I'm on my own. When I got home from work today, I decided that I wanted bacon for dinner. I looked in the refrigerator and there was no bacon. So, I mosey on downstairs to check the other refrigerator.
What do I see?
The elliptical. The big monstrous, accusing elliptical.
You see I told myself yesterday that I was going to get on the elliptical today for just 15 minutes. Before hubster left today, I told him as well. However, after I got home, I decided that I didn't want to do anything.
So, here I am with the elliptical standing between me and the bacon. What do I do? I stood there and argued with myself for about 30 seconds. You can start tomorrow. You only told hubster and he's not going to ask. It's already 6:30 - it's too late.
What did I do? Did I listen to that little devil on my shoulder? HELL NO! I got my ass on that elliptical, bedroom slippers and all, and ellipticalled (what's the correct term here?) for not just 15 minutes, but for 20 minutes!
I had a big aha! today. I have a wonderful friend with a fabulous blog called Positively Happy. Rebecca writes some incredible pieces and I'm always so impressed with how her writing makes me dig and think deeply within myself. Her blog today included a story about me (which was kinda cool), but was really about the process that grieving parents go through and how they find their way back to a happy life in the face of such a huge loss.
Without going to go into detail of the blog, she also talked about Kintsugi, which is the Japanese tradition of repairing broken pottery, not by hiding the repair, but by having the repair enhance the pottery and become part of its history. Oftentimes, gold is used. I checked it out and some pieces I've found are absolutely beautiful.
Her blog really struck a chord with me and wondered how I could apply the concept of kintsugi to myself. Certainly there are parts of me that are broken and I'm trying so difficult to "fix it".
But why am I trying to fix? Am I broken? In some ways I am. I have issues with the way I view myself, with the way I feel others view me. In some ways, I became my weight, which is so beyond fucked up it's not funny. Do I want to ignore the issues I've had with my weight over the years? Do I want to cover up the struggle I've had with my weight? Do I want to make it all just "fine"?
Or rather, do I want to address these issues and use the understanding I gain, the knowledge I learn - the REPAIR - and use it to enhance who I am? To be a better me? Can I be wabi-sabi - can I accept my imperfections? Can I end up a better me? Will I be a better me with all the repairs? I don't know, but the prospect is exciting. In my mind's eye, a door has opened and a cool breeze is blowing through. Awesome.
With these thoughts running through my head this afternoon, I read Crabby McSlacker's blog. She's had some awesome blogs lately about rewiring/retraining your brain to make you a better you. The mental health benefits she's gained from her efforts are amazing. Crabby is one of the coolest folks I've come across since I started this road. She's got such a great, positive, empowering presence. She's awesome.
After reading these two particular blogs today, I'm again excited for this road I'm on, for the things I'll learn along the way. I want to use every bit of it to be the best me I can be.