Friday, May 9, 2014

Reflection in a mirror

Well...here I am...

...thinking about my reflection.

Just let me say right off the bat, I'm frustrated and damn near ready to cry.  It's been such an incredibly frustrating day.  There were too many straws on this camel's back today.

It started off at a two hour meeting this morning.  It was quite frustrating and the outcome of the meeting cast a pall over the rest of the day.

Since the meeting was so long, I was late for the retirement luncheon...and I had the present!!!  When I got there, everyone was already seated, but they weren't so far along.  I got situated and started to unwind a little bit.  All around me, most everyone was drinking a beer and having lots of bready, scrumptious, I-wanted-to-eat-because-I'm-in-a-shitty-mood kind of food.

So what did I do?  I ordered a diet soda (a treat instead of water/unsweetened tea) and ate salmon and asparagus for my meal.  So yeah - I did fine, but it pissed me off.  How stupid is that???

Toward the end of the lunch, I needed to get back to the lab for yet another meeting.  As I stood up, I saw someone in front of me and realized it was me.  I looked awful.  My hair is stupid looking, my glasses look awful on me, and I'm just so fat.  What am I gonna have to do to look better?  For ME to think I look better?

Is this what other people see when they look at me?

Thirty pounds down and I'm so heavy that for the most part, you can't even tell I've lost weight.

It's just frustrating.

Onward I reckon.

6 comments:

  1. Awww...I feel your pain. Sometimes it makes me totally angry that I can't eat like others do. It seems unfair that thin people are sitting around eating my cheat foods, enjoying it without a care and SKINNY!!!!! Not fair. And you should voice that anger and feel it as you have. By bottling it up, you'd just want to eat the crap.

    Just like there are days I think I look fine (when really I am obese), there are also days I hate how I look and it feels hopeless. It's not hopeless and you will feel better about yourself as life's circumstances change.

    So healthy to express and acknowledge the feelings, but don't stay there because it's not truth! The truth is you've lost 30 pounds and that's 2 sizes. And, your towel fits around your whole bod now! And...focus on that stuff and your feelings will change.

    Way to acknowledge your feelings, be honest about them and express them. I know that's half the battle for me. I'm routing for you!!!!

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    1. Thanks Diva. The whole week seemed to lead to yesterday. I know what I'm doing is good, but sometimes out of nowhere comes that feeling of hopelessness. I'm glad it doesn't rear its ugly head often

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  2. I'm sorry you had such a rough day. If it makes you feel any better, we all have them - shoot, I can be feeling fine and then go try on clothes and feel like a cow. I'm wondering, though - you mentioned losing 30 pounds...have you bought smaller-sized clothes? I know that oftentimes as I was losing, I'd go from feeling good to frumpy and fat. Why? My clothes were too baggy! A quick trip for even one pair of pants in a smaller size, a couple new, smaller tops, and suddenly I felt much better.

    Hang in there. It's not easy to do this, but you know it is worth it.

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    Replies
    1. Frumpy and fat - that's exactly how I felt along with useless and hopeless. I am wearing a smaller size, but they're still a 20.

      I feel better today. I can't afford to quit.

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  3. Like everyone said, we all have those days. I personally looked at myself today and thought to myself, "rose, you don't look like you've lost almost sixty pounds!" Even though I just bought a size 20 pair of pants from a size 28! Damn mind messes with us. And of course when your week is shitty, then everything seems to turn to crap.
    Like you said, onward.... some days I still take it one minute at a time...
    Tomorrow you'll get up, look in the mirror and think you are looking fabulous!
    Enjoy your weekend!
    Rosie

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  4. Rosie!!! That's outstanding!!!!

    Don't you hate it when that shit gets in your head??? I hate it. I do so appreciate your kind words.

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