Well...here I am...
As I've alluded to a few times recently, I've felt out of focus, off-kilter, and a bit listless.
I don't know where it came from or why I've even felt that way. I've not been able to really get anything done and I'm not really interested in anything at all. As I write, I'm looking at two loads of washed laundry just sitting in the basket.
As a result of this mood, it seems that I've gotten off-track weight-wise as well. The scale was way down - 256.6 on Saturday. This morning it was up for the second day in a row to show 260.8. What happened? How did it fall apart in two days?
Okay, so maybe it didn't totally fall apart, but I sure put a damn big dint in my progress, but the thing is, it wasn't really consciously. When I had the big cheat a month or so back, I consciously ate the ice cream in addition to a big ol' dinner.
But this latest fiasco? It just kinda happened. I forgot everything I've learned in the last few months and went BSC. I had the mind-set of, 'It's okay, you can have this. This really isn't so far off from what you've been eating that it will cause you any problems.' Now, I don't know about you, but I don't think I've really seen breaded fried chicken and mashed potatoes that are sugarless and carbless. Thinking back on that chicken, I think it must have been dipped in a heavily floured batter because it was thick. Craziness!
Yesterday was a bit better, but even so I didn't feel that I was in control. We had streaks for dinner. Something went wrong with the dry-aging and the outside of the steaks were really tough and they were too done for my liking. But what did I do? I ate the whole damn thing anyway. Eating just for the sake of eating. *smacks self...dumbass*
And then that sneaky, stupid, idiotic part of me who said, "Just ignore it." Like ignoring it is gonna make it go away. I did it, and it REALLY pisses me off, but I'm not gonna ignore it.
Today, I tried to get a grip and thought I'd plan my meals for tomorrow. They're not different than usual - smoothie for breakfast, salad for lunch, and probably salmon for dinner. You'd think I'd never done this before. Fixating on this and that - shit that doesn't matter. What the fuck is wrong with me?!?!?! I have managed to have a good day today - nothing crazy and all my food was quite reasonable, except perhaps for that 3rd egg at breakfast; two would have been just fine in the omelet.
I'm feeling a bit timid about it all, but I'm here and regrouping. It's not like I've not made mistakes before, but for some reason this has really bothered me and has made me question my capability for getting this weight off. I came across the Harry Potter quote above right when I was feeling like I couldn't do it.
The quote reminded me that it really is my choice to do this. I've made bad choices, but I've made good choices as well. Up to now, the good choices have outweighed, by far, the bad choices. I've got to remember that going forward.