Sunday, June 15, 2014

The blowout

Well...here I am...

...thinking about the blowout my dumbass self had last night.  Even with my awareness of the challenge, I blew it.

It's not a blowout relative to how I used to eat when we went to the races, but it sure as hell was a lot more than I usually have and surely not conducive to getting my barn-sized ass down to shed size.  It kinda snuck up on me too.  In the end, I ate WAY too much.  I wasn't on top of my game - I wasn't in control.  Period.

I feel a bit ashamed and embarassed.   Am I not on a plan to lose weight?  When I woke up this morning, I thought for a moment that I just wouldn't weigh today, that I'd ignore the whole thing and wait a few days.  That's the old train of thought - the run and hide, the head in the sand, the out of sight out of mind mindset that got me to where I am in the first place.  It so tempting to do that because it's so easy - it takes off all the pressure.

But that's no good and so not helpful.  In the end, I fucked up, I gotta take responsibility.  I'm not quitting, but damn - how many times do I have to learn this lesson?  What was it, what was the "thing" that made me put me progress in danger?  Why is it sometimes more powerful than my will to get this weight off?  It makes me cry.

It's not so much that I overate for a meal, it's the fact that I couldn't rein it in, it's that nagging little fear in my head that maybe I really can't do this.  It's just overwhelming.

Is it the stress of the last few weeks?  The change in the routine?  I track my weight, macronutrients, whether I ate out, and a host of other things on a daily basis.  I've basically not lost any weight since 5/23.  Since then, the kids have been home separately and I've had that week's worth of travel.  There's been a lot of restaurant meals during that time and I stopped tracking while I was on travel - I felt that I was doing well.  But perhaps not as well as I thought - perhaps it's not a plateau after all, perhaps I've unconsciously slipped back into some old ways.

I looked at my caloric intake - I've been eating a little more than 2000 calories a day on most days since I got back from travel.  Perhaps it was the same while I was on travel.  This is a lot more than I normal have, which is usually between 1500-1700 calories.  While I'm not formally exercising, I've been quite sedentary at work lately - stuck at my desk.  Even though I track these things every single day, I didn't "see" it.

It seems that I've started to let my external environment control me instead of me controlling my external environment - I've let my awareness slip.  I've read of others letting their guard down - I let mine down too.

I'm so not perfect.  All I can do is pick myself up, dust off my pants, and keep going.  Desiree at SkinnyGeekWithin had a couple of good quote cards that struck me when I read her blog today.  The first was:

"You're right.  It's easier to say, "Screw it, I give up," than to say, "Screw this, I can do it!"  I never said it would be easy.  I said it would be worth it."

The other one, which I loved because I'm such a potty mouth was:


FUCK CALM AND GO BEAST MODE

I have to keep the same sense of urgency, requirement, and need I had at 290.  I'm still a 250+ pound woman.  Thirty five pounds is a nice loss, but it's nowhere near what I need to lose.  I've got no laurels to rest on here.  I've got to keep my ass in gear - no matter how fucking long it takes.  Shelley commented once and said, "This IS for the long haul...like, forever."  The way she wrote that stuck with me.  I guess this is part of the long haul, but damn I wish I could at least get this lesson learned!

Onward!




16 comments:

  1. I don't know why we have to learn the same lesson over and over. In the moment our brains aren't fully engaged or something. IDK.

    You are right, the most important thing is to get right back with the plan. Quitting or wallowing in self pity with only keep you heavy.

    You got this!
    Lori

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    1. I'm jumping back - I just hate that I jumped off and lost all the progress I made.

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  2. I don't know if there is anyone out there who NEVER blows it. Even those skinny maintainers are having to learn the lesson over and over again. I bet being home and having a little more control over your meal choices will help! You handled yourself so well while you were away!

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    1. I hope you're right Diva. I'm still a bit disappointed in myself.

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  3. It's easy to slip a bit here and there, but overall you have been doing well...I know you can get back on track!

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    1. This was a pretty big slip Gwen. I'm trying to hard figure out if it's a sign of something more serious. At this stage of the game, it's always a possibility.

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  4. Im with GWEN.
    and DIVAD (we have all been there. ALL!!)

    xo

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    1. Thanks Carla. I don't know why I feel that I have to be stronger than everyone else...somehow immortal.

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  5. To "blow it" and catch what's going on and regroup with a fighting spirit? That's not blowing it at all! I think every long-haul success story has a few chapters on backsliding and doubt and struggle. The fact you're turning it around so quickly says tons about how successful you're going to be.

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    1. Crabby - I so hope you're right. I wish I had a crystal ball to see the future success. I worry that old habits are knocking at the door and I'm not seeing it.

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  6. I read somewhere that if you do "good" 80 % of the time you are on track... well darlin' you are rockin' this !!

    the trend is down ward, the "habits" are forming, your body and mind are settling into this new way of doing things... and its an adjustment... but you are doing great... when you fall you get right back up on that "horse" and keep going....

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    1. Thank you so much Nancy! At this point in the game thought, I feel that I have to be good almost 100% of the time. I've still got a LOT of weight to lose.

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  7. Been there, done that! All that lovely motivational talk on Friday and I had a shitty weekend. I'm right back on track today though! We can do this!

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    1. Desiree - Sorry you had a bad weekend. But you're right - it's a new day!

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  8. Carry on, my friend. Beastmode and onward are your words for this week!

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    1. Thank you YumY - I wanna do the best by myself and be deserving of everyone's support! I hate it when I fuck it up. Beastmode is here!

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