...thinking about the blowout my dumbass self had last night. Even with my awareness of the challenge, I blew it.
It's not a blowout relative to how I used to eat when we went to the races, but it sure as hell was a lot more than I usually have and surely not conducive to getting my barn-sized ass down to shed size. It kinda snuck up on me too. In the end, I ate WAY too much. I wasn't on top of my game - I wasn't in control. Period.
I feel a bit ashamed and embarassed. Am I not on a plan to lose weight? When I woke up this morning, I thought for a moment that I just wouldn't weigh today, that I'd ignore the whole thing and wait a few days. That's the old train of thought - the run and hide, the head in the sand, the out of sight out of mind mindset that got me to where I am in the first place. It so tempting to do that because it's so easy - it takes off all the pressure.
But that's no good and so not helpful. In the end, I fucked up, I gotta take responsibility. I'm not quitting, but damn - how many times do I have to learn this lesson? What was it, what was the "thing" that made me put me progress in danger? Why is it sometimes more powerful than my will to get this weight off? It makes me cry.
It's not so much that I overate for a meal, it's the fact that I couldn't rein it in, it's that nagging little fear in my head that maybe I really can't do this. It's just overwhelming.
Is it the stress of the last few weeks? The change in the routine? I track my weight, macronutrients, whether I ate out, and a host of other things on a daily basis. I've basically not lost any weight since 5/23. Since then, the kids have been home separately and I've had that week's worth of travel. There's been a lot of restaurant meals during that time and I stopped tracking while I was on travel - I felt that I was doing well. But perhaps not as well as I thought - perhaps it's not a plateau after all, perhaps I've unconsciously slipped back into some old ways.
I looked at my caloric intake - I've been eating a little more than 2000 calories a day on most days since I got back from travel. Perhaps it was the same while I was on travel. This is a lot more than I normal have, which is usually between 1500-1700 calories. While I'm not formally exercising, I've been quite sedentary at work lately - stuck at my desk. Even though I track these things every single day, I didn't "see" it.
It seems that I've started to let my external environment control me instead of me controlling my external environment - I've let my awareness slip. I've read of others letting their guard down - I let mine down too.
I'm so not perfect. All I can do is pick myself up, dust off my pants, and keep going. Desiree at SkinnyGeekWithin had a couple of good quote cards that struck me when I read her blog today. The first was:
"You're right. It's easier to say, "Screw it, I give up," than to say, "Screw this, I can do it!" I never said it would be easy. I said it would be worth it."
The other one, which I loved because I'm such a potty mouth was:
FUCK CALM AND GO BEAST MODE
I have to keep the same sense of urgency, requirement, and need I had at 290. I'm still a 250+ pound woman. Thirty five pounds is a nice loss, but it's nowhere near what I need to lose. I've got no laurels to rest on here. I've got to keep my ass in gear - no matter how fucking long it takes. Shelley commented once and said, "This IS for the long haul...like, forever." The way she wrote that stuck with me. I guess this is part of the long haul, but damn I wish I could at least get this lesson learned!