Well...here I am...
...thinking about what a fine line it is between making allowances and completely going to shit. In my mind, it's like crossing an abyss.
I've really been thinking about my efforts over the last few months - what's working, what's not, how I'm succeeding, how I'm failing. I'm not thinking in terms of judging, but rather just trying to figure it out.
And I'm not sure I even know how to put it into words. It's a feeling - like a nascent awareness that I can't fully realize.
When I think back on my past efforts, I never really got off the ground because I made excuses for my behavior, the situation, my emotions - for everything. And it kept me from getting anywhere. When I didn't make excuses, I always had a crutch (at least it was a crutch for me) that kept me from having to take total responsibility for my efforts. If I participating in a points counting program, it was easy to blame a lack of weight loss on the shortcomings of the program even when I wasn't really working the plan.
This time has been different and while I've had, what is for me, great success, I'm still just an excuse away from everything going to shit. I've learned a lot about myself, but by no means, do I have it down pat. While I do wish I was further along, I don't regret - most of the time - the fact that I've only maintained the last two months - there's been a lot going on, so maintaining can be seen as a success in itself.
BUT...this is where the excuses come in.
Somehow in the crazy, irrational, food-crazed part of my mind, I've been telling myself that I've hit the proverbial plateau that you always read about. It has to be a plateau - I had months of success and now I'm juggling the same few pounds. It couldn't possibly be the fact that I've had too many "little" excursions - you know what I'm talking about - the bite here, the bite there. Or that I've lightened up on the discipline. Or that I've strayed, ever so slightly, from the basic tenets of the DIP and the stray is becoming a norm. Or that it's become acceptable to maintain even though I still have a lot of weight to lose.
The rational part of me told me this morning that I was full of just so much shit.
Plateau - my ASS. Excuses - you bet.
There's no reason for me to not be working the DIP. Like I said, I don't regret the space I gave myself while on vacation, but I haven't gotten back to the discipline needed to get the weight off. Shit man - it was fun being on vacation, I enjoyed the relaxed eating and not maintaining the accountability for a time. In my mind with the irrational rationalization, I'm not eating like I was during vacation, so I must be back on track. But of course, the path is a little bit different; different enough to keep me from making progress.
DANGER WILL ROBINSON!
The pissiness I felt last night about eating out and getting irritated about not getting to eat what I had in my mind really did pull me up short. It's easy to give in to emotion, but it's dangerous when emotion is tied to food. The thing is I didn't even realize it until this morning. It was like a light went off and I recognized the behavior. Immediate satisfaction with no forethought, giving in - a little here, a little there - and pretty soon you're right back where you started.
I will not let that happen.