Well...here I am...
...thinking of a line from Robert Burns' poem To A Mouse, "...The best laid schemes o' mice an' men."
The thought came about because of some other blogs I've read lately and where I'm at in this journey....and why the hell the scale is doing the up and down....just look to the left.
I had the slow realization that I've been unintentionally stressing myself out about this whole thing. I've written time and again about our grand summer plans. And all throughout, I made goals for myself. However, I realized in the last few days that these goals were different than the other goals I'd made over the last 8 months.
I made the dreaded NUMBERED, DEADLINE goals and not improvement goals. Now don't get me wrong, there is always some ill-defined number goal somewhere in the future. There's also the goal of losing the next five pounds, or whatever.
In my head I said I had to be below 250 on by the time we went to Austria, then by the time we went to Austin, then by the time August 1 hit, then by my birthday, which is Wednesday.
Like a bird to a glass door, I hit the dates over and over and with each passing date, I still wasn't below 250. No doubt a goal is to get below 250, but meeting that goal - a weight goal - by a particular date is stupid. Just stupid.
I just set myself up for failure and frustration.
The second I started making a numbered, deadline goal, things went awry. When my focus changed from making good food choices and screw what the scale said to feeling that I had to be a certain weight by a certain date, it all went to shit. Okay - it didn't go to shit, but things got all stalled up.
The funny thing is - some of those old, frustrated feelings have been living at the edge of my mind. Those feelings that I can't succeed. Well sure as shit I can't succeed if I'm giving myself such a stupid goal. Of course, that's going to lead to frustration when I don't meet that goal...repeatedly.
I don't know how that old behavior crept back in, but it did. And I tell ya - I've been doing what I need to be doing, but I've had to stop myself the last week and just say, "Stop," (which way does that go?? Comma then quotes or the other way around?). Stop not just to eating something, but saying stop to some bullshit thought that was going to lead me to feeling bad.
Some other things that have slipped lately were sleeping, drinking, and tracking. I've not been getting enough sleep and I'm sure it affected me with my decisions, with my body, and with my attitude. Sleep is important, so I've tried to make sure I got enough sleep this weekend and I hope to get more sleep from here on out.
Same thing with drinking - I've not been drinking nearly enough liquids. Staying hydrated is a big thing, particularly for me what with the one kidney and everything. I also have an issue retaining water and drinking water helps keep that at bay.
My tracking has been spotty. I'm going to get back to the tracking to see how the nutrients are balancing out. Finally, hubster and I were talking yesterday and I made a comment about eating the french fries at Five Guys. He said, "I wouldn't let you eat them. I'll keep you from feeling bad later." The conversation stopped there, but it made me think that he's seen something I'm doing that he's not saying. I'll ask him about it later, but not now.
I can't measure my success by the number on the scale but rather at how successful I am at making healthy choices for me. That doesn't mean that it's not okay to want to be a certain weight, but I can't fixate on the numbers. What's the saying? It's not the destination, it's the journey. There's something to be said for that.
This is particularly true if this is a solid, lifelong lifestyle change. And I have no other choice except for this to be the case. If my brain makes the right decisions, my body will make the right decisions.
Now having said all this and thinking that I had not made any PROGRESS because the stupid number on the scale hadn't changed, I've got a CSILBILW to tell you about.
I tried on the 18s I bought a few months ago. I'm pleased to say that I will be wearing them to work tomorrow. Hubster said they looked really good and that I was ready to wear them - they're tight, but not skin-tight at all, no mushroom top over the top of the waistline, I can button and zip without holding in my breath, and I can bend over and still breathe!
Weird how the scale says basically the same thing as when I bought them, yet I can wear them now, but couldn't wear them then (they were on a great sale). Do you suppose there's something about this changing body composition thing when the scale is staying constant? It sure as hell isn't because I've been exercising.
Anyway, I'm glad I realized what I was doing with this numbered deadline goal. It didn't serve me well in the past and it won't serve me well in the future.