Well...here I am...
...and I've been missing in action. But I'm still in the game and full of spit and vinegar!
It's amazing how non-stop busy I've been the last...forever...it seems like. There is definitely something wrong when I wake up at 5:15 in the morning and my first thought is to go to work rather than go back to sleep!
I have some potentially exciting things happening in my professional life - exciting...and incredibly scary at the same time. Imagining myself in a particular situation is exciting, but then insecurity sets in. While folks see me as a pretty strong personality, I'm a mushy ball of mush inside - the opposite of Stuart Smalley - inside I'm never good enough or smart enough and how can anyone possibly like me?
Now that's not all of me - that's the insecure part of me. The OTHER part of me - the pissy part of me is full steam ahead and there's no stopping me so get the hell outta my way - I can do what anyone else can do and furthermore, I will do it better!
Most of the time, I'm a tempered mixture of the two, which is probably the way to be. And I think I've gotten a bit of insight into what's what. If it's about ME, I become very insecure. If something good happens to me, I feel that SOMEONE (who this someone is, I have no idea) is gonna find out that I'm not smart enough, not good enough...just not ENOUGH and will take everything away from me and make a spectacle of me. Where the fuck does that come from??? In all of my almost 53 years - that has never once happened to me. I need to be a better internal advocate for myself.
But, if it's anything outside of me, it's balls to the wall and let's go. Does that even make sense?
I got no answers. (Yeah, it's grammatically incorrect, but I like saying it anyway.) But, I do know that I'm a bundle of nerves and excitement and insecurity all at the same time.
Work has been incredibly time-consuming the last few weeks - it's the time of year. I'm trying to stay ahead of the game. But I'm being meeting'd to death - it's driving me crazy.
Work is also what's been keeping me from posting. I meant to post last night, but thought I'd read a few blogs first. Next thing I knew, I was waking up.
The scale is fluctuating still, but I'm working on it. I'm weighing every day and sticking with the meat and veggies. Kinda funny - we got in the car this morning and I realized that I had forgotten to eat. Bullshit you say! But I swear - it's true! For a minute, I thought about just skipping it, but knew that lunch time was a long way away, so I went back in the house and microwaved a Kiolbassa to eat on the way - I love Kiolbassa and am so glad to find it here.
I'm not drinking (no - not alcohol) as much as I usually do and I think it's causing me to retain some water. I actually forget and then find I'm thirsting half to death.
Oh - I do have a question for anyone who may be reading. We're thinking of getting new countertops - any recommendations? Granite? Quartz? I want something sturdy and as maintenance- and stain-free as possible.
Having said all this, I recognize that I need to not let other things get in the way of writing my thoughts down. It's incredibly helpful and one of the mechanisms - one of the habits - that is gonna make me successful in the long run! It's certainly contributed to my success so far.
Finally - thanks DivaD for jarring me today - I truly appreciate it. You're awesomeness is amazing!
Now - back to work!