Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Missing in action

Well...here I am...

...and I've been missing in action.  But I'm still in the game and full of spit and vinegar!

It's amazing how non-stop busy I've been the last...forever...it seems like.  There is definitely something wrong when I wake up at 5:15 in the morning and my first thought is to go to work rather than go back to sleep!

I have some potentially exciting things happening in my professional life - exciting...and incredibly scary at the same time.  Imagining myself in a particular situation is exciting, but then insecurity sets in.  While folks see me as a pretty strong personality, I'm a mushy ball of mush inside - the opposite of Stuart Smalley - inside I'm never good enough or smart enough and how can anyone possibly like me?

Now that's not all of me - that's the insecure part of me.  The OTHER part of me - the pissy part of me is full steam ahead and there's no stopping me so get the hell outta my way - I can do what anyone else can do and furthermore, I will do it better!

Most of the time, I'm a tempered mixture of the two, which is probably the way to be.  And I think I've gotten a bit of insight into what's what.  If it's about ME, I become very insecure.  If something good happens to me, I feel that SOMEONE (who this someone is, I have no idea) is gonna find out that I'm not smart enough, not good enough...just not ENOUGH and will take everything away from me and make a spectacle of me.  Where the fuck does that come from???  In all of my almost 53 years - that has never once happened to me.   I need to be a better internal advocate for myself. 

But, if it's anything outside of me, it's balls to the wall and let's go.  Does that even make sense?

I got no answers.  (Yeah, it's grammatically incorrect, but I like saying it anyway.)  But, I do know that I'm a bundle of nerves and excitement and insecurity all at the same time. 

Work has been incredibly time-consuming the last few weeks - it's the time of year.  I'm trying to stay ahead of the game.  But I'm being meeting'd to death - it's driving me crazy.

Work is also what's been keeping me from posting.  I meant to post last night, but thought I'd read a few blogs first.  Next thing I knew, I was waking up. 

The scale is fluctuating still, but I'm working on it.  I'm weighing every day and sticking with the meat and veggies.  Kinda funny - we got in the car this morning and I realized that I had forgotten to eat.  Bullshit you say!  But I swear - it's true!  For a minute, I thought about just skipping it, but knew that lunch time was a long way away, so I went back in the house and microwaved a Kiolbassa to eat on the way - I love Kiolbassa and am so glad to find it here.

I'm not drinking (no - not alcohol) as much as I usually do and I think it's causing me to retain some water.  I actually forget and then find I'm thirsting half to death.

Oh - I do have a question for anyone who may be reading.  We're thinking of getting new countertops - any recommendations?  Granite?  Quartz?  I want something sturdy and as maintenance- and stain-free as possible.

Having said all this, I recognize that I need to not let other things get in the way of writing my thoughts down.  It's incredibly helpful and one of the mechanisms - one of the habits - that is gonna make me successful in the long run!  It's certainly contributed to my success so far.

Finally - thanks DivaD for jarring me today - I truly appreciate it.  You're awesomeness is amazing!

Now - back to work!

Onward!

4 comments:

  1. Quartz - much nicer patterns. Granite's patterns are always too busy.

    I 100% identify with the feeling that one day someone is going to find out that I'm really not that smart or qualified for this job I'm in. Where does it come from? How do I buy into it?

    I have often thought staying overweight protects me from the fear of too great a success. Do you know what I mean? I'm getting successful in my professional life but I"m scared, so I'll stay fat so I have something to hide behind. As if my weight is an excuse just in case I fail.

    We're in this together Lucky Mama...I'll always be here to kindly jar you back into writing. Don't let it go. You're wonderfully articulate and take it from me, once you let the accountability of blogging go, other things start to go. So happy you're on track!

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  2. Can't help you with the countertops, mine are some kind of oooooggaaallee (yep beyond ugly) plastic with a faux wood grain.

    As long as you are sticking with your plan as much as you can, you will get slimmer and healthier. BUT it's not just about that, it's about changing your whole self. The battle to lose is well over a 50% mental battle.

    You've been doing pretty good so far. Keep up busting through your plateau :)

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  3. I want a lighter countertop, if I'm ever fortunate enough to get to do that again, and it would be silestone. :)

    I suggest you get familiar with houzz.com. Look to your heart's content!

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  4. Good Grief Lucky ... how in the world do you so successfully articulate what's in me? Wow Great post!

    Granite will stain if not sealed ... or get a patina after time ... which can be beautiful too ... I have Corian and it looks just like it did the day it was installed ... SO BORED with it!

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