Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Apostrophe t

Well...here I am...

...thinking about how that 'apostrophe t' can really be the difference between success and failure.  What's the saying?

Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right!

Henry Ford said that.  You might read that and topically think, 'yeah right, okay, whatever', but if you stop and think about it, it's true.  And while the choice of whether you can or you can't is simple to say; in reality, it's not necessarily an easy choice to make, to believe, or to put into practice...at all.  For me, it takes bravery - real courage - to believe that I CAN, especially when I've spent so much time thinking I can't.

I've wasted so much time thinking that I can't or couldn't or shouldn't or wouldn't - all it's done is get in my way and kept me from doing what I want to do/be, perhaps even what I'm meant to do/be.  I don't know about other people, but for me, I don't need other people to get in my way because I get in my own damn way often enough.  I am my own worst enemy.

It's always been exacerbated by the fact that I added 'be perfect' to this little ol' verb.  If I COULDN'T BE PERFECT, if I COULDN'T do it EXACTLY right, if I COULDN'T follow a straight line...

...well then, it wasn't worth doing, wasn't even worth trying.  I gave up before I even started, before I even knew whether I truly could or couldn't.

This thought hit me this morning while I was taking a shower after I weighed.  The scale was at 251.8.  Yup, I've been here before.  For just a quick minute, I had this overwhelming self-doubt and  felt like all my efforts have been a sham, like someone was gonna come walking into the bathroom and say, "you're a fake, you don't know what you're doing!  Just look at you - you're at the same place you were at the beginning of August, or the summer, or whatever."  And then BOOM - all of a sudden, I would be back at 290 with no success at all, still can'ting.

And then I thought, "Bullshit!"  I CAN do this and I WILL do this.  Why do I tell myself that I CAN'T when obviously I CAN?  I've lost weight - successfully lost weight - healthily, and on my own terms. 

Then all at once I thought, I track my weight every day, but the lack of progress lately is frustrating.  I really liked it much better when there was a solid downward trend, not this back and forth I've been struggling with lately.  But wait a minute, I was getting off track a few weeks back, but I realized it and got back on track - on the straight and narrow.  And I'm STILL on track and doing my level best to try and figure out what's going on.  Is it something I'm doing?  Do I need to change something?  Have I unknowingly changed something?  Do I need to get rid of something?

And THEN I realized that the TRUE success here is that I'm not giving up, I'm not even harboring thoughts of giving up.  I want to figure it out so I CAN be successful, so I CAN continue to get where I need to be.

In the span of I'm sure just a few seconds, I turned it around and it made all the difference in my outlook.  I've not always been able to do that.  As I said before, I COULDN'T.  But now, I CAN.

Sometimes, for me, it takes a lot to have the confidence to believe that I CAN.  It takes a lot to tell those negative voices to go fuck off.  It takes a lot to lose weight in front of people who have seen me fail so many times before.  But I'm not doing this for anyone but me.  ME only.  Not my husband, not my kids, not my family, not my friends, just me.

I feel like I'm slowly developing this inner strength I didn't know I had.  At the moment, it's like a little kid peaking around the door at bedtime, but it's there wanting to come out.

There's something about self-forgiveness in there as well, but at the moment, I don't have the words to describe it.

On to lighter matters...

I *love* brussel sprouts.  Since hubster is out of town, I made some on Sunday.  I don't think I can eat them anymore.  They usually make me a little...ahem....gassy, but I swear, I think I'm developing an allergy to them or something.  I had THE worse stomach ache ever yesterday, the bloating was INCREDIBLE.  I mean, I thought I was gonna have to call the ambulance or something.  Hubster calls me while this is going on, so I tell him I'm worried.  Yannow what he does????  The little shit LAUGHS!  He realized right away it was the sprouts.  I feel much better today, but boy is hubster in for it when he gets home.  Laughing at me...when I'm in pain no less!!!  PFFFFTTT

The final thing is that I'm wanting salt lately.  Anyone else like that?  I've actually been adding salt to some of my food, which I never do.  I might try to read up on it and see if there's a particular reason.

Onward!

13 comments:

  1. If you are craving salt try drinking more water. Also if your weight loss has stalled maybe you could add in some light exercise to start with and go from there. Good job on standing up to your inner mean girl voice you are doing this you are a success, you will meet your goals. I enjoy reading your blog keep up the good work.

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    1. Susan - you could ask my mother, I'm a HUGE drinker - easily more than a gallon a day. The exercise efforts have been sporadic, but hopefully I will change that soon. Thanks for reading my blog - I'm glad you're here!

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  2. Great blog today! So the first thing is that its great you have a new inner peace and that you are developing new thoughts. That is a win! I can not eat Brussel sprouts anymore or Broccoli. I go into such pain . For a while I was in so much pain I really didn't think it could be the veggies but I had test apon test and that is what it was. So I stay clear away from them. Actually I missed broc. so much one time I tried it, a little at a time to start incorporating it back in my foods, but within in minutes I was in my "spiral" down mode of it. I mean, sweats and pain like no tomorrow! So no more! I've learned the hard way... ! Sounds like your in a plateau. I hate them, but our bodies get used to eating what you've been doing. I was stuck at around 40 ish pounds what seemed like 2 months. I did everything except eat more. I was afraid to. One day I just did it. I ate a hearty day, stayed within in a certain cal amount and at the end of the day I had a BIG choc. chip muffin! Within in 2 days I was down 3 lbs! It worked! Exercise doesn't do a thing for me, so I did the eating thing. Will it work for everyone? I'm not sure, but it did me. I know there are critics out there that will disagree with me. But sometimes you just need a big greasy burger or a muffin!
    I don't crave salt. Salt for me is a No no.. it makes my weight go up at least 3 lbs of water instantly!! I know exactly when I have it to not weigh because of it.
    Good luck!. your doing so good.. Oh and give your hubby a big ol' smack when he gets home! :) LOL
    Rosie

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    1. Sorry the sprouts give you fits as well, but glad to know that I'm not the only one with such dramatic effects fro them. I've heard your suggestion before about the splurge and I may consider it soon, but not yet.

      I will smack hubster in your honor....and tell him Rosie said so!

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    2. Whoops! Sorry I repeated myself on that!! Lack of sugar makes my brain soft! LOL sorry again.

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  3. great epiphany... and in the shower no less... sometimes thats where i have the best ideas :) keep going... you can and are doing it !!

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    1. I need to put waterproof pen and paper in the shower! It IS a good, creative thinking place.

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  4. Correct - the true success is that you're still at and haven't given up. I don't think you will ever give up. You will get there, one healthy step at a time. It just takes time. WE CAN do it!

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    1. You're right DivaD - WE CAN!!! And right again, I will NOT give up. Your surgery is coming up and I'm saying prayers for you!

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  5. You are right ... you CAN do it! You will do it! Now how did you make your brussel sprouts? Mine are always so nasty ... and hubby loves them. Broccoli use to do that to me ... thought I was having a heart attack ... but I love it enough to take Prilosec every day... haha

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    1. My recipe is simple - I put some olive oil, salt, and pepper in ziploc bag, add the sprouts and them the just sit for a little while. I line a baking sheet with aluminum foil, set the oven to 400, and bake them single layer until they're dark brown - just starting to burn. My kids thought they hated them until they had them. I will miss them, but hubster will be happy.

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  6. I've been struggling with this...and I call it my fear. It's fear of failure. Fear of other people seeing that I'm not perfect. Fear of the unknown. FEAR!!!! Goes hand in hand with the self-doubt! GRRRRRR But I'm working on overcoming ! We will BOTH succeed!

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