...thinking about how that 'apostrophe t' can really be the difference between success and failure. What's the saying?
Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right!
Henry Ford said that. You might read that and topically think, 'yeah right, okay, whatever', but if you stop and think about it, it's true. And while the choice of whether you can or you can't is simple to say; in reality, it's not necessarily an easy choice to make, to believe, or to put into practice...at all. For me, it takes bravery - real courage - to believe that I CAN, especially when I've spent so much time thinking I can't.
I've wasted so much time thinking that I can't or couldn't or shouldn't or wouldn't - all it's done is get in my way and kept me from doing what I want to do/be, perhaps even what I'm meant to do/be. I don't know about other people, but for me, I don't need other people to get in my way because I get in my own damn way often enough. I am my own worst enemy.
It's always been exacerbated by the fact that I added 'be perfect' to this little ol' verb. If I COULDN'T BE PERFECT, if I COULDN'T do it EXACTLY right, if I COULDN'T follow a straight line...
...well then, it wasn't worth doing, wasn't even worth trying. I gave up before I even started, before I even knew whether I truly could or couldn't.
This thought hit me this morning while I was taking a shower after I weighed. The scale was at 251.8. Yup, I've been here before. For just a quick minute, I had this overwhelming self-doubt and felt like all my efforts have been a sham, like someone was gonna come walking into the bathroom and say, "you're a fake, you don't know what you're doing! Just look at you - you're at the same place you were at the beginning of August, or the summer, or whatever." And then BOOM - all of a sudden, I would be back at 290 with no success at all, still can'ting.
And then I thought, "Bullshit!" I CAN do this and I WILL do this. Why do I tell myself that I CAN'T when obviously I CAN? I've lost weight - successfully lost weight - healthily, and on my own terms.
Then all at once I thought, I track my weight every day, but the lack of progress lately is frustrating. I really liked it much better when there was a solid downward trend, not this back and forth I've been struggling with lately. But wait a minute, I was getting off track a few weeks back, but I realized it and got back on track - on the straight and narrow. And I'm STILL on track and doing my level best to try and figure out what's going on. Is it something I'm doing? Do I need to change something? Have I unknowingly changed something? Do I need to get rid of something?
And THEN I realized that the TRUE success here is that I'm not giving up, I'm not even harboring thoughts of giving up. I want to figure it out so I CAN be successful, so I CAN continue to get where I need to be.
In the span of I'm sure just a few seconds, I turned it around and it made all the difference in my outlook. I've not always been able to do that. As I said before, I COULDN'T. But now, I CAN.
Sometimes, for me, it takes a lot to have the confidence to believe that I CAN. It takes a lot to tell those negative voices to go fuck off. It takes a lot to lose weight in front of people who have seen me fail so many times before. But I'm not doing this for anyone but me. ME only. Not my husband, not my kids, not my family, not my friends, just me.
I feel like I'm slowly developing this inner strength I didn't know I had. At the moment, it's like a little kid peaking around the door at bedtime, but it's there wanting to come out.
There's something about self-forgiveness in there as well, but at the moment, I don't have the words to describe it.
On to lighter matters...
I *love* brussel sprouts. Since hubster is out of town, I made some on Sunday. I don't think I can eat them anymore. They usually make me a little...ahem....gassy, but I swear, I think I'm developing an allergy to them or something. I had THE worse stomach ache ever yesterday, the bloating was INCREDIBLE. I mean, I thought I was gonna have to call the ambulance or something. Hubster calls me while this is going on, so I tell him I'm worried. Yannow what he does???? The little shit LAUGHS! He realized right away it was the sprouts. I feel much better today, but boy is hubster in for it when he gets home. Laughing at me...when I'm in pain no less!!! PFFFFTTT
The final thing is that I'm wanting salt lately. Anyone else like that? I've actually been adding salt to some of my food, which I never do. I might try to read up on it and see if there's a particular reason.