Well...here I am...
...I fell off the wagon.
That's it pure and simple. I not only fell off the wagon, I fell into the damn ditch. And because of it, I feel like a complete failure. I gotta get my shit together here.
I won't go into the details, but it has been very stressful at work lately. That's not an excuse by any stretch, but because of the work schedule I've put everything else on the back burner and have taken the easy way out. For instance, our meals last week. Of the 21 meals, we ate out 16 of those meals.
I didn't go to Costco last weekend, we didn't have anything prepared for the week, and since we weren't eating at home, we didn't have any leftovers to take to work. Because we were working so late, we'd just eat out and basically go to bed. In the mornings, we'd either go in early or sleep in a little and then be rushed to get to work.
We were still at work at 7:30 Friday night, so again we decided to eat out. I made a quick reservation and we went to a popular restaurant. Even though we had a reservation, we were late getting seated. When we sat down, I was just d.o.n.e. I made some initial poor decisions and it went downhill from there. I didn't even think, I just ate.
Yesterday was better, but not by a lot. We had to go to northern Virginia to pick out some granite. Virginia is beautiful, but even on the weekend the traffic is a total bitch. I don't know how folks there aren't crazy because OF the traffic. We had initially planned to grab some breakfast at a restaurant, but I had breakfast at home and hubster got something from the drive-thru.
It took much longer than expected to pick out the granite, which made me several hours late picking up my elderly friend and caused him to fret a bit. By the time we were completed with the granite selection and got everything scheduled and in order, we were hungry so we stopped and got lunch before we picked up my friend. Again, I ate too much.
On the way home, I felt terrible - like I had been drugged. It's all the shit I ate the night before plus overeating...again...at lunch. I was so glad to get home and just chill for a while.
About 7:30 my friend was ready for dinner, but hubster and I were both still full from the late lunch. We went to dinner - but I just beyond eating. I ate a few bites because my old friend will really fuss - he fussed anyway - but I just couldn't.
When we were finally home for the night, I fell into bed thinking I'd watch SNL, but I saw about 4.2 seconds.
Luckily, I slept well last night. The night was cool, the windows were open, and hubster slept in the other room (because I was gonna watch SNL).
Hubster and I had planned to go to work today, but I realized that I just had to STOP. Things have gotten out of control and I've put myself dead last and that's causing me to make bad decisions and it's weakening my resolve.
This is not a positive direction.
So instead of going to work first thing, hubster and I went to Costco and got all the stuff we needed to make sure we can eat at home even when we get home late. Not only is eating out bad for my ass, it's bad for our wallet. We bought some pre-cooked meats with little/no fillers for those nights we work late.
As I was putting the groceries away, I realized I was a ball of stress. I feel like I'm failing in all areas - I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water at work, the house is a wreck and there are only two of us here, and I'm losing my focus as far as getting this weight off.
I told hubster what I was feeling and that I was gonna just stay home and take care of household chores and figure out what the hell I'm doing. He told me I was wrong - that I was doing just fine. But then - and I know he was only trying to help - he starts talking about all these things he's going to let, not let me do as far as food goes. This really irritated the shit out of me because it's really not constructive at all. In fact, it's quite destructive. He's trying to be helpful - I get that. But at this point, I can't deal with that type of "help". Typical man, he's gonna fit it and he doesn't even understand what "it" is!!! Besides, he can't let or not let me do anything - that's a whole 'nuther Oprah! So until I can get my focus back, I don't think I'm gonna talk with hubster about "it".
Is it just the stress that's caused me - allowed me - to make bad decisions? I realize I MUST, it's an absolute requirement, to take at least a little time to care of myself - particularly where food is concerned.
How do I keep and maintain my focus on losing weight when there are other things that are DEMANDING my time and focus? I hate to say "focus on losing weight" - a better choice of words would be "focus on healthy eating". It almost feels that I have to have a laser, 100% focus on eating in order to be successful. I don't know how to make it all work. I do know that saying, 'oh it's a stressful time of year' isn't an excuse to eat like a pig, but that's exactly what I did. No more.
I've got to keep THAT focus - be on the lookout for those bullshit excuses and prepare ahead to make it easy to make the good decisions.
This whole thing depends on me and to be honest, I'm a bit unsure...a lot unsure...that I can do it. But fuck it all, I'm not giving up or giving in.
Oh - and I started. Great. Just great.