Well...here I am...
...it's been a tough week.
I had a migraine for three days and now something is terribly wrong with my hip. It's the lumbar discs causing the pain and sunuvabitch - it hurts! My cervical and lumbar spine issues seem to be ramping up, so I need to get it taken care of soon.
It's Sunday and because I was out with the migraine one day, I've got to catch up. I have a huge project that's due Friday, but I committed in August to have it done by 9/30. So - I'm in the office, sitting on some sort of weird cushion and getting ready to work. I just wanted to write a few things before I got started. I've discovered that writing helps me. I have to make sure that I keep it at the top of the list of important things to do...for me.
Even with the migraine, I had a good food week. I ate...BUT...I ate at home. Unlike weeks of the recent past, we only ate out once - Friday night - and even though I had fresh fish and fresh beans, it made a difference. I think the culprit is sodium. When we eat at home, I have more control and the the choices are easier, which in turn makes it easier for me to be successful.
One food discovery (at least for me) this week is the combination of brie and almonds. It was AMAZING! The combination of the crunch of the almonds and the smoothness of the brie was quite nice and satisfying. I think I may like that combo even better than the brie and soppresseta. It's got plenty of protein and fat, so that's another big win.
After our weekly Costco run yesterday, hubster and I went to the local mall and I bought some clothes because of some travel and meetings coming up at the end of the week. Before I get into the story though, let me tell you about how it used to be.
I always had a sense of foreboding when I had to go clothes shopping. It had gotten to the point where I couldn't find anything at all in the major department stores that fit me. This meant that I had to go to the plus size stores. And to be honest, for a little bit, it seemed I was pushing that limit as well. Nothing ever fit properly and nothing ever looked right. Being tall is tough enough, but being tall and fat is even more difficult.
I would usually spend a lot of time crying in the dressing room because I felt so ashamed and so helpless. Shit - just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes now. The option of popping into a clothing store to find something cute to wear for whatever reason was unavailable to me. Plus, I would spend hours shopping and only find one, maybe two, things that were acceptable to wear. Because of my size, my clothing options were quite limited, and in the end, I would end up buying something that buttoned or zipped regardless of how it looked.
It was some of the most depressing, demoralizing feelings I think I've ever had. The feelings would last for several days and would lead me to make those promises to myself that I was gonna get my ass in gear and lose this weight - I was gonna go on this diet or that diet, I was gonna do this exercise plan or that exercise plan - I was gonna start right after I had just ONE last big meal. And so the circle went.
Such a horrible, vicious cycle. It was totally my fault, but honestly, at the time I couldn't see a way out of the mess I was in. I couldn't see a way forward. More than that, I didn't believe I could.
Jump ahead to yesterday. Every piece of clothing I bought was from a regular department store. And more than that, I could have bought every piece of clothing I tried on. The difference was whether or not I liked it on me! And I must say, I think the choices I made are amazing and look good on me. They're all a bit more upscale and professional - I'll be smartly dressed!
(NOTE: I just reread the blog before posting. I can't believe I said, "...the choices I made are amazing and look good on me." Not so long ago, those words would not have come out of my mouth.)
One thing that was pretty awesome were some jeans I tried on. I'm currently wearing Lane Bryant jeans in a size 18, but they're getting a little loose in the leg. So when I saw Lee jeans, I thought I would try them on. Since they were in a regular store, I tried on the 20s. Guess what? They were too big! Yeah ME! Even more important in a weird way, I didn't go back and try on the 18s. I didn't feel desperate to see it.
The other crazy thing is about clothing sizes themselves. I bought 15 pieces yesterday - I've got sizes from XL all the way to 3X. In one case, I've got the same brand in two different sizes!
In the past, buying a 3X would have depressed me to no end. But the mindset yesterday was totally different. I bought an XL!!!! That's the big deal! Plus, since my options are greater because of my weight loss, I don't have to give undue importance to the size and I don't have to blame myself for the NUMBER in the clothing.
Even hubster was happy. He used to dread going clothes shopping with me. How awesome is that?
Instead of yesterday being a horrendously depressing day, it was quite motivating and made me even more determined to keep going to lose the rest of this weight.
Now - I gotta get some work done!