Sunday, December 28, 2014

Where to start?

Well...here I am...

...wondering where to start...or continue...or jump in...or something.

Things have gone south...the deep south...like Antarctica south...and I'm trying to get it back together.

I haven't posted in almost three weeks - part of the problem I'm sure.  But I've got to say that both Gwen and Sean Anderson commented on my last blog the day before yesterday.  I couldn't even get through Sean's comment without crying.  Tears have come to my eyes each time I've thought about the comments.

Yes - I feel like such a failure and I'm trying to get over it - "It" being the disappointment in myself.  I let all sorts of external pressures get to me and allowed...yes, allowed...everything to go to shit.  As a result, my weight has sky-rocketed.  In addition to the holidays, folks are wanting to "get together" when they find out I'm leaving - and that's been tough.  There's been a LOT of eating out

My weight yesterday was 265.  I didn't weigh this morning because we were up at 3:30 am to take our daughter to the BWI airport for an early morning flight.  I was kissing the 240s and now I'm back in the 260s.

There - I said it.

I'm desperately trying to get it back together - and I'm a bit...a lot...worried that I won't be able to.  All I can do is try - keep it simple and stay mindful.  I still feel like such a disappointment - like a loser - a faker - a poser.

Thinking back, I can see everything situation I was in and wonder why I made the choice I made.  Was...is...the stress of everything going on the reason?  Why would that cause me to make escalatingly poor decisions?  Seriously - why?  What's the trigger?  I don't know!!!  I'd like to go back the kick the shit out of myself for making so many poor decisions.  But as Sean intimated, I gotta forgive myself, get back in the saddle, and take it one day at a time.

So - to recap the last few weeks.

We flew to Idaho for a weekend to check out a house that we really liked.  Turns out it is THE house and we've bought it - closing is scheduled for January 30.  It's the most THE house we've ever bought and that worries me too - it seems too perfect.  And we know what they say about that.  But our realtor is amazing and came highly recommended, so in reality, I don't think there's anything to worry about, but I do anyway.  The current owners had the house custom built for them and the husband is a builder, so it's a good, solid house.  The inspections have all been good.

We've been trying to get this house ready and getting rid of crap that we don't want to take as well as decorating for Christmas, getting inspections done on the new house, signing 47587 documents for the old house, the new house, the old job, and the new job; picking and getting my replacement approved and starting a turnover for said replacement, Christmas shopping, working every day, the kids coming home, and fretting about everything in general, something had to go.  Unfortunately, what went was me and I started to feel that nothing was good enough.  And as time passed, the more things weren't good enough.  This in turned stressed me more and instead of getting a grip, I let it get the best of me.

There's an awful lot of stuff that has to happen in a particular order in the next 30 days.  It kinda blows my mind that in 30 days, we'll be living in a different house on the other side of the country.  Making sure everything goes like it should is gonna be tough - particularly since I can't dictate everything other folks are doing.  Along with that, hubster and I are a bit at odds.  We have different ways of doing things and we're getting on each other's nerves.  He's been cleaning the garage for a week now and the damn thing looks the same as when he started..SMH.  I have a paper monster I've started to tackle - it's a big monster too.

One good thing is that we decided to not put our current house on the market until after we've moved out.  I do not need the stress of having to show the house at this point.

I've had a couple of good days - finally eating at home, which is a big help - and there are no party plans for New Year's.  My body is starting to feel a little better - that stuffed feeling from bloatedness is going away and my hands and feet are starting to look and feel like hands and feet instead of sausages and hooves.  I hated the feeling of my pants feeling tight after eating...hated it.  It's interesting how your food can make your pants feel different.  Okay that sounds like a stupid statement, but it's true.  When I have protein, fat, and then carbs from veggies, my pants never felt tight after eating.  Add in a little bit of bread or alcohol or other useless carb and I feel it immediately - that bloat is amazing...amazingly bad.

I'm finding it very difficult to be okay with my recent past behavior, with how to get my ducks in a row, and how to maintain vigilance even when my time is taken up with other times.  I don't know how to auto-pilot this - I don't think I can auto-pilot. 

I'm just gonna worry about tomorrow and tomorrow only and work to make it a good day too. 

Onward!

9 comments:

  1. Welcome back! I'm so sorry all the stress got to you in this way. Look, there is always going to be stress. You,are under a lot, but at least the stress is for a good reason. You do need to stop beating yourself up over what happened. It just did. All you. An do is learn from it. And remember that no matter what, at ANY MOMENT, you can change your path. You really can!! Take each new moment as a new chance to make yourself better. Stop berating yourself, and work on the future. You can do,this!!!

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  2. You're at a wonderful place. That thought might sound strange at first, but think about it. You're on the other side of the spiral.
    As you move forward, take it slow--one day at a time--and always try to be aware of how you're treating yourself... It took me a long time of constantly kicking myself to finally believe what others were counseling--that I needed to forgive myself, truly have some compassion for myself--because until I did that, I couldn't move forward with any consistency--I was too busy kicking myself down, instead of giving focus to the things I needed to recover.
    Gwen said it best, above--- "any moment..." so true.
    My best--take care!

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  3. Isn't it ironic that we can get so stressed and overwhelmed trying to control things that aren't really within our control and yet the one thing totally within our control (what we put in our mouth) we let go? Lucky for you, Lucky Mama, you have this moment (and the next and the next) to take charge of your eating ... Be the boss of you! You absolutely can do this.

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  4. Dont beat yourself up too much. Pick up where you left off and continue doing your best. You can do it!

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  5. Oh Lucky ... I'm so glad your back ... remember "yesterday is history, tomorrow is a mystery, and today is a gift: that's why they call it the present"

    You can and will get back on track! Just focus on today!

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  6. I'm glad you posted. This is a time when everyone can relate to each other best because we may have struggled a bit more or gave in a bit more and it's familiar and easier to beat up on ourselves . I'm not commenting from a space of perfect eating or self care, but I know what I share for you is for me as well. Recognize you have had tremendous stressful issues lately. Once we start having the goodies and the behavior of having the goodies and the neurochemical responses to having the goodies and the guilt and remorse for having the goodies it's rough. The good things are the good feelings you'll have when you are having healthy food and healthy behavior and a little more time of this under your belt.. good luck ..right there with ya

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  7. This is a great post and I've been there. I mean, almost exactly there. I remember when we bought our current house and I just let it all get out of hand and between deciding to move and getting settled in 6 months later I was up about 35 pounds!

    You are already doing so much better than I did then. I just stuck my head in the sand and it is GREAT that you have caught this when you are really up SO little in the greater scheme of things. I myself could have caught my gain at that time and I just hated it so much I didn't want to think about it and then I piled on another 20 pounds which didn't help!

    You have caught this now. I know you want it to have been different. You want to have never regained anything. I hated that as well. I think one reason I resisted losing what I had regained (and gained even more) is that I didn't want to admit to myself that the gain was actually there and real.

    The reality is that the gain is here and you (and me at the time) can't change that. All you can change is what you do next. You are in a great position to just stop the regain right now!

    Moving is stressful. We only moved 60 miles or so and it didn't help me with weight at all. Looking back I think I would have done better had I simply tried to maintain during the real craziness of moving. I felt I SHOULD be losing during that time and when I couldn't, I just gave up. I think if I had set my goal as simply maintaining for a few weeks I would have done better. YMMV.

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  8. My heart goes out to you Lucky Mama! You're still trying and still aware, so you're still in the game!

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