Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Missing in Inaction

Well...here I am...

...I've clearly been missing in inaction.

because....

I've gained a LOT of weight.  There.  I said it.

I haven't gained all of it back, but I'm close.  I've been knocking myself, beating myself up, chiding myself, making bets with myself, making promises to myself, BREAKING promises to myself.  I've been embarrassed because I've gained weight - I've been upset, pissed off - all of those feelings and emotions that others have felt.

I was thinking about how I needed to just get back to writing - to begin again with being an active partner with myself about getting healthy, staying healthy, and being healthy.  But those old, familiar negative feelings crept back in and just surrounded me.  Of course, it didn't help...at all.  And then the games I play with myself.

It's all so much bullshit.  Why?!?!  WHY?!?!?!?! Why do I allow these negative thoughts and feelings about my weight to become so consuming?  How did I let my weight become ME again?

I've been struggling really hard over the last few days and have thought hard about those early days last year.  Last year this time, I was SO excited for my daughter to come home so she could see the weight I'd lost.  I remember the comments my son made when he saw me when he came home from school.  Well, we saw them this past weekend - son's graduation - and neither of them said anything about my weight at all even though I'm sure they can tell I've gained.

At some point during the weekend, I realized that they don't see me as my weight - they see me as just their mama.  That calmed me down a little.  But still, it's not about them, it's about me.  It's funny how you feel like you're so alone in all of this some times.  I mean - I am the ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO HAS LOST WEIGHT ONLY TO GAIN IT BACK.

It's such a shameful feeling - I hate that feeling, but I'm not the only person this has ever happened to.  I thought of dear Diva - she lost a whole bunch of weight a few years ago only to gain it back.  And what did she do?  She got back on the horse, learned from her experience, and is doing better than ever.  If she can do it, so can I!

So far, this week has been good and I've been sticking with the new old ways.  There's a renewed sense, though quite tenuous, of strength.  I've not been tempted and I can see the goal in the future.  At this moment, my path forward is clear.

Having said that, I weighed this morning and was quite disappointed.  I expected it, but I'm still disappointed.  But it is what it is.  The only thing I can do is just try again tomorrow.

I read Diva's blog this evening - seems like it's karma.  Diva - I AM HERE!

Onward!

6 comments:

  1. Girl, I hear ya. I was down to 186.2 in November. I'm back to 205 now. I need to get this back under control too.

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  2. It's frustrating - believe me, I know! Be gentle with yourself and get back to focusing on your health. Getting back to blogging has helped me stay focused. And you're right - your babies don't see weight; they see Mama.

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  3. I am SO happy you're here. You are not alone. It sucks to regain. But, you can get back to it.

    Please, please, please read "The Diet Fix", by Dr. Yoni Freedoff. He doesn't tell you WHAT to eat per se, but he can help get you restarted. You don't have to agree with everything the man writes, but he will speak into your situation right now and you will feel hope!

    I know it is possible to start losing again. You've made the huge first step - admitting where you are and the feelings that accompany it. That took courage - the kind of courage that will help you reset your healthy eating!

    Welcome back! We're lucky to have you Mama!

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  4. YAY for you being back!!! :D

    I lost 60 lbs. in 4 months in my 40's. I gained it all back.

    I lost 70 lbs. in 2009, and I gained all but 10 of it back.

    I get this. It's an issue, ongoing, because so many things are at play; heredity, food's affect on brain chemistry, emotions, etc. So many balls to juggle. It's a shock anyone is a 'normal' weight. I have faith in you. Love you!

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  5. More and more I see that things that disrupt my routine are more likely to result in weight gain. I also gained back almost everything I had lost after a move. But, you are smarter than me. That is, it took me almost 2 years to want to admit it and really work on it. You are getting there way faster than I did.

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  6. I think we have all lived the loss/regain far too many times. The important thing is you recognized it and are working to find your path. You'll get there.
    Lori

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