Clearly I've been absent. And in this case, my absence means that I've not been doing well...at all. At least weight-wise. Many other things are going well - I'm doing things I never thought I'd do - both personally and professionally..
But there's that big ol' fat fuckin' failure in the back of my mind - I've regained almost all the weight I lost.
As the scale was climbing, I kept thinking that I had to get this in check and I started making all the ultimatums I'd made before. Ultimatums never work - know that. And the harder I got on myself, the worse it got - to the point that I felt...and still do...feel like an utter failure and a total fake. As a consequence, I stopped writing as often, and then quit writing at all because I didn't want to talk about my lack of success or how I felt - that would just really make it real. Diva had recommended a book, "The Diet Fix"; I started it, but didn't finish it.
And then it just got worse. I don't need to rehash what I did. Suffice it say that all the old behaviors came back in full force.
And then I started feeling like shit. My knees and feet started hurting, my ankles were swollen at the end of the day, I was tired all the time, I couldn't move as well, and I was really beating myself up with an awful lot of negative self-talk. I couldn't face writing anything down.
But then one day, I was able to recall the resolve I had at the beginning. I thought to myself that I would just do the best I could at the time and not beat myself up when I screwed up. It's taken me a while to get in the groove - and while I'm not in the trenches yet, I think I might be getting there.
Fast forward to the weekend - the house is a wreck. The renovations have taken on serious scope creep so I'm always trying to stay a little ahead of the mess. I have my own home office that was never fully unpacked and was in danger of becoming the catch-all for everything that didn't have a place - exactly what I didn't want. And like my weight-loss efforts, I hadn't tried to tackle the mess, so it only got worse. At the beginning of each weekend, I would say to myself that I was going to get that office in order "THIS WEEKEND". Of course, "THIS WEEKEND" never came until this weekend.
The office looks amazing and while my books aren't sorted - they're on the shelves. I finished most of it yesterday, but then had a few boxes left over to finish up today. While I unpacked the last boxes this morning, I came across a book of mine that I swear I've never seen before. The title is "Take It Off and Keep It Off" by Anonymous. It says it's based on the successful methods of Overeaters Anonymous.
I have never seen this book before and don't remember ever buying it. Was it a sign?
After getting my office in order, I decided to get my email in order. I have 3 email accounts - one for junk, one for my personal stuff, and one for my weight-loss stuff. I don't bother the junk one and didn't consider checking the weight-loss one. By mistake, I pulled up the weight-loss email account and saw an email sent at the end of July by a lady named Barbara. In short, she wrote:
"...Your writing is great and interesting...Thought you would like some feedback. So whether your weight is up or down it's still very interesting and helpful to read about your experiences."I thought it was awfully nice for someone to notice that I'd been a no-show. It was even nicer for them to take the time to find my email address on the blog and send me a note.
Was it a sign?
So I go ahead and start clearing up my main email account. It's got over 15000 emails. Yes. 15000! Was it indicative of how other areas of my world have gotten out of control as well. As I'm deleting emails, I come across an email from a dear friend in Maryland who also struggles with her weight and read the blog.
I noticed that she had started making entries on FatSecret - how cool is that?!?! She's doing it!!! Then I came across an email she wrote me on 8/20 that I had not seen at all! In short, her email said:
"...OK, you have not written for months- what's up with that? ...it is time to buckle back down to writing before you get side tracked...I just started this week, so I'm not seeing much progress yet. but misery loves company, so how about joining me?"Was that a SIGN?!?!?! Now, I'm not superstitious, but holey moley!!! All roads are leading me here today, so here I am.
I just started crying for some reason - don't really know why.
All I can do is try.
Thank you Barbara, the kind email-sending lady.
Thank you Hilary. Thank you for being such a good friend. Love you! Miss you!