Well...here I am...
...I've been clothes shopping.
...and it sucked.
I'm heading to Texas next weekend for my daughter's best friend's wedding. It's amazing to see how these little giggly girls have grown into such beautiful young women.
I checked my closet and because of the weight gain nothing fits. My work clothes won't work well because they're all black. So...off I went.
It was incredibly frustrating because the sizes are up again - 22's. As if shopping wasn't bad enough, all I could think of was how I've failed. I was in 18s and XLs in January and now I'm right back where I started. I was getting to the point where I had options and could find clothes that looked good. And now, there are few options. I felt like I was just settling for something that fit. Actually there was no feeling to it - it was exactly what I did - I settled.
I hate it. Flat out hate it. Scream at the top of my lungs hate it.
The day just made me think of everything in negative terms and reminded me of how far I've fallen and how far have to go. It's hard to get out of that mindset sometimes with one negative thought leading to another. You're so fat, you're so ugly, you only got so far and couldn't do it, people are gonna stare at you, you're the fattest person in the room, you must be stupid to be this fat, etc. etc. AD NAUSEUM
It was quite sobering. I'm a bit bent out of shape about it, but I do realize that these negative thoughts won't do me a damn bit of good.
The important thing about buying these clothes is that it means I'm going to witness a wonderful young woman get married and I get to spend the weekend with my kids. Those are the important things. Further, I don't think my fatness is going to be on anyone's radar.
The week was good. It wasn't perfect, but it was definitely an improvement over previous week. I even had one day that was totally on. I'm trying to get back to the place where my diet consists completely of non-processed foods.
Another thing that got me to thinking this week was something I said. I was in a meeting this week and someone said, "I hope we meet this deadline." I immediately commented, "Hope is not a plan. We will make this deadline." Anyway, a fellow who works for me came to my office afterward and said that he really liked what I said. I'm sure I've heard it before, but don't remember where. But it's true - hope is not a plan.
So in like fashion, I can't hope to lose weight, I can't hope to be healthy, I'm gonna have to plan both. I've gotta watch for curves in the roads and the bottlenecks, but I've gotta plan.
And besides dammit - I'm not giving up. IT - whatever IT is might have won the battle, but I WILL WIN THE WAR!