Sunday, January 3, 2016

...about damn time

Well...here I am...

...and it's about damn time I showed up around here!

I don't know where the beginning is so I suppose I'll just go where my thoughts lead me.

One of the last times I wrote, I had just gone to a new doctor and he thought I could lose 20 lbs by December 15.

That did not happen. 

As a matter of fact, I gained three pounds.  But more importantly than the three pounds was my blood pressure.  I've been on blood pressure meds for a while now - was almost off of them at one point...anyway.

The doctor took my blood pressure several times...sunuvabitch...it was 200/108 at the lowest reading!  The doctor was damn near apoplectic and so was I.  We had a good long talk about the blood pressure - all my other numbers were good - and about my weight.  On the blood pressure front, he switched it up from two meds to three new and different meds (losartan, diltiazem, and metoprolol) and I'm happy to say that my blood pressure is being nicely regulated.  It was 119/74 earlier today, which is incredible.

But the elephant in the room is/was my weight.  We had a good long talk about my weight.  At one point, he suggested perhaps a weight loss drug.  I interrupted him and told him there was no way in hell that I would ever consider a weight loss drug or a weight loss surgery...PERIOD.  He looked at me for a moment and said, "So you're just gonna tough it out, huh?"

I got upset at that point, but I realized IN THAT INSTANT that this was it.  I told him that I needed him to help me until I could get my shit together and my head on straight.  As a result, I'm seeing him every six weeks.  Before I left that visit, I told him again what I was going to do - no/minimal white food, no worrying about fat, and proteins and veggies were all good - and he's good with it and thinks it's the right path.

My blood pressure at that visit scared me to no end.  I still get upset when I stop and think that I was in stroke territory.  For the time-being at least - I'm on a good path and I hope to stay on it.

It's been relatively easy since the visit to keep my ducks in a row, but I realized just now that I've been on vacation most of the time since the visit.  I go back to work on Monday, so the stress levels will ramp up again.  We'll see how the blood pressure does then.

After I left the doctor's office that day, I knew I needed to get my shit together...I have to get my shit together.  It really isn't about fitting in a size 10/12/14 whatever jeans; it's about continuous breathing for a few more decades.  I think writing is one that help does indeed help me - it's the actual writing that's hard.  I write all the time in my mind.

It's also about keeping track, but I don't know what kind of tracking I need to do anymore.  I weigh, I don't weigh, I worry about not weighing.  The daily weighing doesn't worry or bother me really - I understand that there is variation in numbers; so long as the trend is down, it's good.  The thing I need to do there is to weigh at the same time each day if that's what I'm gonna do.

It kinda pisses me off that it's the first of the year, because I'm not writing because it's the beginning of the year at all.  I almost didn't write because of it, then realized I was just using it as an excuse.  I can come up with an excuse for almost anything!

Anyway, as I was getting everything in order to update the blog, I pondered whether or not to just start over with a new beginning - forget everything that's gone before and just wipe the slate clean.  The problem with that is that I worked hard and my head was so on straight - I don't want to forget that.  The issue is that I gained all that weight back - that's the part I want to forget.  But...and it's a big but...I think that may be where the big lesson is in all this.

It was so satisfying seeing the scale go down, moving better, feeling better, buying smaller clothes, and just an overall better attitude and demeanor.  When the scale started going back up, I don't know why I didn't (couldn't???) stop and get back on track.  If I knew the answer, I think I'd have a big, big problem solved.

In any event, I decided to just continue on instead of start over.  It's all part of one big journey anyway and it is a part of me.  And I sure as hell don't want to repeat part of that past, so I need to remember it and realize that I'm just a short way away from going in the wrong direction again.  So my "beginning" remains 1/4/14.

I may not blog every day, I may not blog every month - though I do plan on writing more regularly, but I start out every single day with the intention of it being the best day.  Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.

Onward!

18 comments:

  1. I wish you the very best of luck with your ongoing journey - I can relate to every word you say. I'm a fellow blogger, and I wrote a blog post called 'part woman, part ostrich' a while ago dealing with that exact issue. 2016 is a shiny bright new page that we can all write on, and lets keep our fingers crossed it goes well for all of us! Like you, I'm on my way down the scale for about the millionth time. For the last time!! All the best, Dee (break out the skinny girl) :)

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    1. Thanks Dee -I will keep going...by fits and starts I'm sure...but I will!

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  2. if you need additional support please email me iamkarlam@yahoo.com I have email on my phone and we could even text back and forth for support believe me I know the struggle is real and the high blood pressure is no joke. The doc gave me that same speech a while back and it is upsetting. I am here for ya Mama

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    1. Karla! Thank you!!! You've got the been there, done that experience, so I'm looking to you girlfriend!

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  3. Good for you for facing it! I'm glad to hear from you and glad that you received your wake up call and that you are doing something serious about it! Kudos to you!!!!!!! You can rock this!!!!

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    1. MaryFran - Thanks a lot! You are always so positive and it makes me think/believe that I can do it!

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  4. I am glad you're back on line. You CAN do this. You WILL do this. You have got us for online support and your doctor for physical support. It might not be easy, but you can make it happen.
    Lori

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    1. Thanks Lori. It really does help to have the online support. Just plain writing the crazy stuff in my head is a help as well.

      I will make it happen.

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  5. We are two peas in a pod, aren't we? I honestly believe that blogging and keeping communication open helps tremendously on this journey. My bp issues have mimicked yours, so I get it.

    Here here to 2016, and us both kicking arss.

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    1. I hope we kick serious ass this year!!

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  6. That was a really scary BP reading ... So glad you were able to get it lowered! I'm the same way with the scale ... don't feel like weighing every day helps, but know that not weighing doesn't help.

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    1. Yup - I don't want to be fixated on a number - that's always where the trouble comes in!

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  7. Welcome back and Happy New Year. There are a lot of us in the same place...regains can lead to losses though. It's part of a successful journey! So, here's to a successful 2016. You'r enot alone!

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    1. Knowledge is power, right? I've learned an awful lot over the last years - now for the next leg of the road.

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  8. Honestly, I lost 100 pounds and put 40 of it back on last year but I spent so much of that time beating myself up over it and everything I did in the past, it just kept getting worse. I kept holding on to all the weight I lost and all that progress. And how "I FAILED!" and then I'd switch to trying to make it about it was a "lesson!" and I yo yo'd like that for all of 2015...while my weight crept up. And it all started because I gained some weight and I felt like I was losing control.
    (and this part has nothing to do with weight watchers...this has to do with my point I'm trying to make)
    I lost those 100 pounds on weight watchers. But I left weight watchers not really because of them (it was completely unrelated athlete wise. I became a serious athlete and it didn't work anymore. I won't go into why I got where I am today. It's not the point.)
    But I wanted to restart my weight watchers. But every time I'd log on, I'd start back for a week and it would be fine....until the reminders of ALL that I'd had accomplished started flooding back and then that voice in my head started to remind me of the things I had screwed up on. Because I *did* screw up on some stuff. But here's where I'm going to get bluntly honest about getting back on track after gaining weight (that took me a damn year to figure out):

    WIPE THAT SLATE CLEAN. And I mean CLEAN. ERASE THOSE NUMBERS. You lost the damn weight. You know it. You DON'T have to keep visually reminding yourself that you lost a lot of weight, then gained, then lost, then lost a ton, and then gained it all back. You want to say it's a lesson, it's NOT. It's torture. You keep writing about how you know what you need to do or what is wrong, so you don't NEED THAT.
    TODAY is now. Last year was then. The weight you need to lose is the weight you need to lose today. You don't need reminders of what you were a year ago or a year before that. Or when it started going south. All of that plants seeds of doubt as soon as things start going south. Trust me. This has been my song and dance twice. I lost 40 pounds on WW once. Gained it all back. It had NOTHING to do with WW. It was me. And I got up to 305 pounds from that point until I lost 100 pounds a year ago. What kept me from succeeding? The constant fear of failing because I had failed once by gaining that 40 pounds back. I had convinced myself that was PROOF that I would always fail. So I let that create a depression that I ate myself to 305 pounds. Anything that ultimately keeps you in that state in remembering those failures.....will keep you failing. It's obvious you torture yourself with past failures. You speak of what once was and how you screwed up all the time. STOP. Only speak of what will happen from this day forward and screw what happened from yesterday past. ERASE that. You did succeed, you just let fear get in the way and once a little fear takes hold it can snow ball.

    Stop holding on. I quit that today. I'll always remember losing that 100 pounds. I'll always be proud of that! I learned important things. That will never be lost. But I can't keep thinking about that. The fact is that I gained 40 of those pounds back. And I wasn't even done yet when I had lost those 100 pounds.
    So as of today I'm not a "person that had 140 pounds to lose, lost 100, gained 40 back, and now has 80 pounds to lose" because think about how horrible that would make ANYONE feel!!
    I'm simply someone that has 80 pounds to lose. I lost a large amount before and I know I can do it again. I feel so free finely letting go. Seriously.

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    1. Jennifer - thanks a bunch! I don't feel that I'm holding on at all. But there is a saying that those who forget the past are doomed to repeat it. I definitely don't want to do that. Don't get me wrong - I don't like at all that I gained the weight back; however, it's taught me a lesson that I don't want to forget.

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  9. I was just thinking about you the other day ... wondering how you were doing ... Oh Lucky those were some seriously scary numbers you had... so glad you were able to get it under control.

    Happy New Year!!!

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    1. Well thank you for thinking of me Retha!!! Yup - I gotta make sure I keep those numbers down!

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