...having an insight maybe?
I talked with a Texas friend of mine who had the gastric sleeve surgery on 1/4. She said she had been trying with little/no success over the last year to lose weight. She felt this was her last option. I'm happy for her and will support her in her decision and in her success. I could not make the same decision.
When I talked with the doctor in December, he suggested meds. I flat out told him that would never be an option - surgery isn't either. I've thought about that bit of the conversation since then and have really thought about it since my chat with my friend.
For me, I would not take meds to lose weight because I've never heard of one that doesn't have hefty side effects that apply to a large group of the patient population. Secondly, I don't think taking meds or having surgery would teach me a damn thing.
***Can I just say right here that hubster is downstairs kicking the shit out of aliens??? I can hear the bass or reverb or whatever it is up here!***
The most important thing though is that when I think about those things - surgery and drugs - and me in the same sentence, it really is a mentally loud "hell no" with a rush of the belief that I can do this on my own. It's not like I'm the first person to ever lose weight and I won't be the last. Clearly, it isn't a road filled with flowers and sunshine; there's all sorts of rocks and holes in the road, but I'm learning to maneuver them and I will be successful. Period.
To that end, I've read a few blogs this week that have combined to give me a little bit of insight in to....something. I feel like I know a little bit more...have a greater understanding...than I did earlier in the week.
The first was one of Sean Anderson's blogs this week. He wrote,
"And sacrificing things important to me will not make any of those things happen faster or better.That really struck me and I've gone back several times to read just that.
Maintaining the integrity of the plan is paramount to my success. My non-negotiables can remain stable in my fundamental elements stream even when my life stream experiences instability."
The other was a blog that I read earlier today - Dear Diet Monster. Kerstin, the blogger, wrote about the resistance monster and how she's been practicing resistance for so long that it's second nature. It was an awesome blog - and in essence, she's learning to face her own resistance. She and I are very similar in some ways. And can I just say that I LOVE her hair!
Since I was a young child, I never wanted to follow the rules and would push the limit of everything. To be fair, it is part of the reason I've been successful. But to be honest with myself, it's also like me saying black when someone else says white...just because. It's not that I'm disagreeable - I don't think. Rather, I'm just gonna do it my way...whatever that way is. I don't want to do it your way...dammit.
Anyway, those two blogs merged for me into this understanding that I do indeed have a list of non-negotiable fundamental elements. However, at various times, they haven't been 'non-negotiable' or 'fundamental'. I think this comes about because of my own personal "resistance monster". I've got to come to terms with the fact that I must have some non-negotiables here. The good thing about this is that they are of my own choosing. And they aren't difficult, they aren't insurmountable, they aren't undoable, and they definitely aren't unliveable. I wrote them down in one of my first blogs.
I've got to learn to separate the non-negotiable fundamental stream from the shit-happens-this-is-life-deal-with-it stream. One does NOT have to depend on the other. One way to do that is to get my own personal resistance monster on my side and change the face of my resistance. Change it so that I don't resist doing "good", but rather resist doing "bad". Change it so that it's hard to fall off the wagon instead of being hard to stay on the wagon.
One thing my friend and I discussed today was how food had been a "friend" to both of us at various points. Then I realized and said that food was a rotten fucking bitch - a friend wouldn't do this to us. AND THEN, I realized it wasn't the food that had put me in the spot I'm in. THEN I had this feeling insight - I mean I could FEEL it - that food is nothing and I am everything. I hope to get that feeling again for longer.
At this moment, I feel on-point and have clarity for the road ahead.