...thinking about my internal dialogue.
This whole writing thing is interesting. I write for myself and try to write just what comes to my mind or what's on my mind regardless of whether or not it makes any sense.
When someone types a comment, I get a notification telling me that someone has commented. So the other day, I received such a note that said someone had commented. I read Lori's comment and it was encouraging. She ended up with an admonishment that said, "...You should be proud of yourself rather than calling yourself names."
I must have read it at the right time because I've been thinking about that comment since then.
It's true - I beat myself up all the time, call myself names, call myself names to others so they don't have to call me names, and on and on.
So negative, so destructive. It really is something that can hold me back - not just with the weight, but with everything. This in itself is interesting. Most folks who meet me would not ever think that I had any issues with confidence. I have a well-developed external protective mechanism. But inside - I'm a mess. I would venture to say that I'm fairly mean to myself.
This kinda clicked for me yesterday and I remembered something I read (and wrote down) not so long ago. It was:
Stop hating yourself for everything you aren't. Start loving yourself for everything that you are.This so true. I have some pretty good qualities. I try to be nice, I try to do good, I try to be kind, I try to be understanding of others. So why don't I say those things to myself? I'm going to try to start being consciously aware of my internal dialogue.
Another internal thing happened yesterday too. It was a relatively quiet day - no bullet dodging at work, food was good - just an even keel day. Anyway, when I got home I was changing clothes and realized that it had been a good day and there hadn't been a lot of "chatter" - that the day had been easy. More like a not try, do; don't think, do sort of day.
In that very instant, there was a flood of thoughts and in an instant, it was all complicated again. I made this mistake, I made that mistake, too much here, too little there, blah, blah, blah. I mentally pulled myself by the bootstraps and told myself to just keep it simple. This really isn't hard, but I make it so excruciatingly painful sometimes by just overthinking it. And of course, expectations and success are compared to an unattainable standard of perfection. What a crock of shit!?
The actual doing isn't hard at all. It's the repeating it over and over with great consistency that's challenging. So I've got to keep it simple. What was that I said a while ago? If I did it yesterday, I can do it today; if I can do it today, I can do it tomorrow.
My doctor's visit is tomorrow and I'm eager to see what the results will be. Afterwards, we drive down to Pocatello to pick up his new vehicle. We're both a bit excited!