Who am I? I'm lots of things.
I'm a 52-year old woman, married for 30 years to the same fella and we still get along like silly, stupid teenagers. We have two great kids - a 23-year old daughter who recently graduated from Texas A&M University and a
I've intermittently struggled with my weight all my life. I was obnoxiously tall as a kid and folks always seemed to expect more from me. This must have stressed me out because in addition to being tall, I was also chubby. I went to Weight Watchers with my mother when I was 12 years old. I remember my goal was 126 lbs and I was 5'7". That seems a bit on the crazy side now, but this was a LONG time ago - I think you still had to make your own ketchup then.
When I graduated high school, I weighed a little over 200 lbs, but I was 5'11", so I was still just chubby. I met a fellow who was extremely thin. One day when we were in a restaurant, I made a comment about the weight of the waitress. He looked at me with a, "who the hell are you to talk?" look. I'll never forget it - he wasn't being mean at all, just realistic. Anyway, that was a Sunday. That Thursday, I joined Weight Watchers again. This was 1980 I think. My starting weight was 212 lbs. In something like 5 months, I got down to the mid/high-150's and started to work for WW, but it was a struggle to maintain that weight.
Fast forward a few years, new boyfriend who turned into my husband. When he and I married, I weighed 167 lbs. I maintained that weight plus or minus 20 lbs (less of the minus, more of the plus) for a lot of years. When I got pregnant with our first daughter, I weighed 184 lbs. The doctor raised hell about me gaining too much weight during my pregnancy. At her birth, I weighed 208 lbs.
After her birth, I went back to Weight Watchers and lost a LOT of weight to the point of developing an eating disorder. My weight was down to 148 and WW told me that I could no longer go unless I gained weight - I think it was supposed to gain up to something like 160 (because my goal was 170). Well blow that. I ended up getting pregnant, but had a miscarriage in the early 2nd trimester.
I got pregnant again and the doctor hammered on me every time I visited that I needed to gain weight. In my 5th month, I lost 10 lbs. It was crazy. However, overall in that pregnancy, I gained 77 lbs. But I quickly got down to 170 after my son's birth and all was good. This was 1993.
I maintained that weight for quite a while, but around 2000 my weight had gone up to about 200. I remember talking to my husband being upset about it. He basically said it was all up to me. I was furious. Did he not understand????? Of course, HE never had a weight problem. Somehow, my weight problem became HIS fault. How STUPID is that?!?!?!?
I made Weight Watchers a lot of money in those years. I was always starting and stopping and never losing a pound. Even though I was a lifetime member, I always had to pay!
In 2002, I quit smoking cold turkey after having smoked for 28 years. I promptly gained about 10 lbs. My feeling was better that than smoking. I was ecstatic that I was finally successful after having made hundreds of attempts to quit - to the point that no one really offered any support because they were worn out from supporting me in previous attempts. And before anyone says anything, yes I did intermittently smoke when I was pregnant. Terrible I know, but it's done. My kids are fine, smart, and socially integrated into society. Makeup covers the third eye.
At this point, I joined a gym and got a personal trainer. I felt quite strong and good and confident. They had an 'experimental' program called (I think) Lean and Trim. I tried it, but it offered 3 ounces of protein a DAY and all kinds of carbs. I lost a total of nothing on that program and while I wasn't always on plan, it wasn't the plan for me.
In 2003, left arm pain led me to the emergency room. One thing led to another and it was discovered that I had kidney cancer. Totally unrelated to arm pain, but am I ever thankful for that pain on that day. Anyway, at my first visit to the doctor to discuss treatment possibilities, my weight was 226.
In 2004, we discovered that I had a second cancer - thyroid cancer. I had my thyroid removed. I'd always heard that folks on thyroid meds were thin. I wasn't and neither did I get thin.
During my convalescence periods, a friend of mine would pick up the kids from school and bring them home. And every day, she'd bring me a large Dairy Queen blizzard. Comfort food.
With the ensuing depression from having two back-to-back cancers, a third cancer scare, and a few rare diagnoses for other issues, I developed a swinging elbow. That damn thing was always lifting food of some sort to my face. And it stopped any sort of exercise dead in its tracks.
During these years, I think I rejoined WW another 5 or 6 times to no avail.
In 2009, we moved from Texas to Maryland. I thought a change of scenery would be a good thing - fresh start and all that. So what do I do??? I join WW...again. This time, I was 267 when I joined. What's that saying? 'What's the definition of insanity? Doing the same thing over and over and expecting a different outcome.' Well, that was me. I stuck with it and got down to 251 after more than a year. But it was really difficult to lose any weight, much less maintain the weight. Counting points and all that really is just not for me.
So here I am now. I feel that I have a different mindset. My weight is starting to have, hell, it already has, a vastly negative effect on my life. It's hard to bend over to tie my shoes without getting out of breath, my knees hurt, my hips hurt, I never feel good, blah, blah, blah.
I'm sick of it. I'm tired of organized, monkey plans, I'm tired of broken promises to myself, I'm tired of seeing and sometimes believing in a quick fix. In previous attempts, I always said to myself that I was gonna take that ONE LAST DAY to enjoy everything and then I was gonna be perfects. Screw that. I'M DONE. Today is the day, right here and now! I will not be perfect, but I will move forward.
I've always heard that writing your thoughts down is a good idea and I've thought about doing this for a while, but never had the courage. Well, I've finally started. I hope it helps me maintain control of myself while I develop new habits that will lead me to a new rest of my life.
It really is my responsibility to be good to me and to take care of this body. It's not going to hold up like it did in my younger years unless I change the way I treat it.
I like to tell my husband that I want to be a cougar before I'm a skinned leopard!
My email is luckymama100 at gmail dot com