Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Another good day

Well...here I am...

I've had another good day and I'm thankful for that.

It was a busy day.  I'm not feeling the greatest, but I was able to start tackling the paper monster and I've got 5 large trash bags of shredded paper to show for it!  I also started organizing the basement a bit for the big move.  I surely don't want to carry all this stuff across the country.

The food front was good.  I had more of a brunch than either breakfast or lunch, so that was fine.  My son finished a wintermester class today - talk about an intense online course - and wanted to get ribs since it's rib night.  So - we went out to dinner.

But it was all good - there was plenty opportunity to screw up around, but I wasn't tempted at all - no beer, no useless carbs, nothing.  What is it that makes me strong on one occasion without a second thought, but makes me crazy on another?  I wish I knew the answer!  In any event, I like the strong feeling - the feeling of being in control, of having a purpose.  Just FYI - I had a few wings, some ribs, and collard greens.  Yeah on me.

I've updated my graph to the left to show the good, the bad, and the ugly - full disclosure.

I'm gonna work on making tomorrow another good day too!

And by the way - thank you to each person who has posted the last few days.  The support means a lot and helps me bolster my resolve.  It was hard to come to grips and say out loud that I had failed - so again, thank you!


Monday, December 29, 2014

A calm day/Little things

Well...here I am...

...I had a calm day and I'm really happy about it!

Today felt good.  My head was in a good place and I was able to concentrate on my goals and how I'm going to attain them rather than on how to manipulate the food situation so that everything will be okay.

And I know good and well that manipulating the food situation ain't gonna work - no way, no how.  It's not letting the big things slip that trip me up, it's the little things that get me every time.  I can plan to go have a big celebratory dinner and it won't derail me because it's so big relative to my day to day that it stands out as being different and not the norm.

Those little things though - they get me.  I think it's mostly because they are little, and for the most part, inconsequential so they aren't noticed.  But they add up to a big deal.  You know what I'm talking about - a bite of this, a taste of that.  Each one in itself isn't such a big deal; but when they're done often and continuously - well, that presents a big problem and leads me right down the wrong road.

It's gonna be these little things that make me or break me.  Like Attia said, this is where the grit comes in.

I've been thinking about the upcoming month and what I can do to remove, avoid, or escape the little things.  What do I need to do to make sure that when February rolls around, I'm in a better place?  How do I keep ME and my personal life change efforts front and center while doing all the bazillion other things I have to do?

I think the biggest, and hardest, thing to do is to just be selfish with myself.  I AM WORTH IT!

A new first step for that came tonight.  With my efforts slipping in the recent past, hubster's support has loosened as well. I'm not dogging him at all - it was just a natural next step.  Anyway, yesterday we cooked a ham that had been in the freezer (we're trying to use up all the frozen stuff).  There were plenty of leftovers, so tonight was omelets.  I told hubster that I would make my own.  Funny, but it was a signal to him and to me that the bitch is back!

It felt good and made me feel strong and powerful.  It made me feel that I've got this and that my head is indeed back in the game.  I can't rehash what's happened - just learn from it and move on!  While I don't have that down just yet, I'm working on it.

Progress - in whatever form it takes, not perfection.

I'm gonna work to make sure tomorrow is a good day too.


Sunday, December 28, 2014

Where to start?

Well...here I am...

...wondering where to start...or continue...or jump in...or something.

Things have gone south...the deep south...like Antarctica south...and I'm trying to get it back together.

I haven't posted in almost three weeks - part of the problem I'm sure.  But I've got to say that both Gwen and Sean Anderson commented on my last blog the day before yesterday.  I couldn't even get through Sean's comment without crying.  Tears have come to my eyes each time I've thought about the comments.

Yes - I feel like such a failure and I'm trying to get over it - "It" being the disappointment in myself.  I let all sorts of external pressures get to me and allowed...yes, allowed...everything to go to shit.  As a result, my weight has sky-rocketed.  In addition to the holidays, folks are wanting to "get together" when they find out I'm leaving - and that's been tough.  There's been a LOT of eating out

My weight yesterday was 265.  I didn't weigh this morning because we were up at 3:30 am to take our daughter to the BWI airport for an early morning flight.  I was kissing the 240s and now I'm back in the 260s.

There - I said it.

I'm desperately trying to get it back together - and I'm a bit...a lot...worried that I won't be able to.  All I can do is try - keep it simple and stay mindful.  I still feel like such a disappointment - like a loser - a faker - a poser.

Thinking back, I can see everything situation I was in and wonder why I made the choice I made.  Was...is...the stress of everything going on the reason?  Why would that cause me to make escalatingly poor decisions?  Seriously - why?  What's the trigger?  I don't know!!!  I'd like to go back the kick the shit out of myself for making so many poor decisions.  But as Sean intimated, I gotta forgive myself, get back in the saddle, and take it one day at a time.

So - to recap the last few weeks.

We flew to Idaho for a weekend to check out a house that we really liked.  Turns out it is THE house and we've bought it - closing is scheduled for January 30.  It's the most THE house we've ever bought and that worries me too - it seems too perfect.  And we know what they say about that.  But our realtor is amazing and came highly recommended, so in reality, I don't think there's anything to worry about, but I do anyway.  The current owners had the house custom built for them and the husband is a builder, so it's a good, solid house.  The inspections have all been good.

We've been trying to get this house ready and getting rid of crap that we don't want to take as well as decorating for Christmas, getting inspections done on the new house, signing 47587 documents for the old house, the new house, the old job, and the new job; picking and getting my replacement approved and starting a turnover for said replacement, Christmas shopping, working every day, the kids coming home, and fretting about everything in general, something had to go.  Unfortunately, what went was me and I started to feel that nothing was good enough.  And as time passed, the more things weren't good enough.  This in turned stressed me more and instead of getting a grip, I let it get the best of me.

There's an awful lot of stuff that has to happen in a particular order in the next 30 days.  It kinda blows my mind that in 30 days, we'll be living in a different house on the other side of the country.  Making sure everything goes like it should is gonna be tough - particularly since I can't dictate everything other folks are doing.  Along with that, hubster and I are a bit at odds.  We have different ways of doing things and we're getting on each other's nerves.  He's been cleaning the garage for a week now and the damn thing looks the same as when he started..SMH.  I have a paper monster I've started to tackle - it's a big monster too.

One good thing is that we decided to not put our current house on the market until after we've moved out.  I do not need the stress of having to show the house at this point.

I've had a couple of good days - finally eating at home, which is a big help - and there are no party plans for New Year's.  My body is starting to feel a little better - that stuffed feeling from bloatedness is going away and my hands and feet are starting to look and feel like hands and feet instead of sausages and hooves.  I hated the feeling of my pants feeling tight after eating...hated it.  It's interesting how your food can make your pants feel different.  Okay that sounds like a stupid statement, but it's true.  When I have protein, fat, and then carbs from veggies, my pants never felt tight after eating.  Add in a little bit of bread or alcohol or other useless carb and I feel it immediately - that bloat is amazing...amazingly bad.

I'm finding it very difficult to be okay with my recent past behavior, with how to get my ducks in a row, and how to maintain vigilance even when my time is taken up with other times.  I don't know how to auto-pilot this - I don't think I can auto-pilot. 

I'm just gonna worry about tomorrow and tomorrow only and work to make it a good day too. 


Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Back to basics

Well...here I am...

...trying to get back to basics.

As always, it's been busy.  We're flying out Friday night so we can look at houses on Saturday - we think we've found THE one, but are looking at several.  We're flying back at 6 am Sunday morning, so we can be home by mid-afternoon, get house stuff and laundry done, and then off to work on Monday.  I would so love to move our stuff from one house directly into another without any intermediate housing.  I'm not looking forward to two house payments for any length of time, but it's certainly better than intermediate housing!

I haven't even thought about putting up a Christmas tree yet.

In the midst of all the never-ending activity, I'm trying to keep a little light focused on me.  I've tracked all week - the good, the bad, and the ugly.  For the most part, it's good but the holiday parties do put a kink in the plans.

Yesterday was the first of the holiday parties at work.  This particularly party was for hubster's area and is always off-site at a local restaurant.  This year there was a choice of shrimp tacos, vegetable bowl with couscous, cheese burger, or grilled salmon and broccoli.  Hubster made the choices and he did a good job - he got the salmon for me, so I was quite pleased.  However, I had a beer and a brownie.  Neither are life-threatening, but they are weight-loss threatening.

Afterwards, I regretted the brownie because that was a weakness; somehow I don't see the beer as being a weakness, even though it's off-plan as well.  I don't know why I see them so differently, but I do.  An excuse in the making perhaps?  It got me to really thinking about the upcoming few weeks and months.

This weekend will be all eating out - the hotel serves a breakfast I can eat, so I'm good there.  I'll have to make sure the realtor understands I need something more of a sit-down rather than a fast-food restaurant for lunch.  Dinner is with friends I think.  If that falls through, issue mostly solved, but we'll still be eating out.

I have lunch with my best friend here on Monday, my area's Christmas party is Wednesday, our son comes home on Thursday, lunch meetings on Friday, daughter home Friday night, Christmas lunches on following Monday and Tuesday with special friends.  I have a Brazilian grad student who will not be able to make it home for the holidays, so she is spending the holiday with us.

I'm happy for each and every one of these events, but each of them has the possibility of providing too many choices that are too overwhelming.  Plus, there are so many of them.

How to deal?  I dunno, but I've been thinking about it.  When I started this whole thing, I didn't have any goals...any real specific goals except do the best I can and don't eat sugar.

I think that's what I'm gonna do here - the best I can and not eat sugar.  Everything else is okay.  This still leaves me with a lot of options, but they are more manageable options.

I've also strayed from my plan weight loss goals.  By that I making specific deadline weight loss goals.  That SO does not work for me, but somehow I've started doing it again.  I've always screwed myself over when I've done that - it really is a lot of pressure.  I'd fail, so I'd know I wouldn't make the goal, so I'd just give up - why bother - you're fat anyway, what's this gonna hurt?  Negative talk is just that negative.

So again, the best I can and don't eat sugar.  There are no deals to be made here - just two simple things.  My brain tries to fool me into making bad deals, but this ol' body of mine isn't fooled by bad deals at all!

But I've got to keep it simple over the coming weeks and months.  It can't be elaborate because it won't work - I can see and I know that anything elaborate won't work.  It's got to be simple.  Simple works.  I'm honestly at a dangerous point - like I'm teetering on a tight rope.  I'll be damned if I'm going to let all the work of the last year go to shit by falling into the abyss.

Food-wise, there is no re-doing what's gone on before - I can only do what's coming up.  God knows I hope I'm strong enough to make the right choices for myself.


Monday, December 8, 2014

We're Moving

Well...here I am...

...We're moving...from Maryland to Idaho.

Finally - I'm able to say it.  This has been in the works for a while now.  I'm excited, stressed, scared, and nervous all at the same time.  We're moving because of new jobs.  While that's quite exciting, I can honestly say that I really like the job I have now - I lead an awesome group of folks and we've made tremendous progress in the last year.  I guess the good thing about it is that I'm leaving on good terms.

I had a group meeting and told everyone this morning.  Of course, everyone was surprised and we talked for a long time - discussing future plans for the group and how we will make it all work.  During the conversation, I could see the transition starting - it made me sad.  But at the same time, when I took over this group, it was each man for himself.  It's nice to see them working together as a group.

After the meeting, I got the best compliment I've ever received.  An emeritus came to my office, congratulated me, said it was a devastating loss and that I had been a "breath of fresh air".

My first thought was, "You're talking about me?!?!?!?"  My next thought was, "Take the compliment."  I've always respected this fellow - he's got decades of experience on me and is a true expert in the field, so to get a compliment from him...well, it meant a lot.

So that's that.

Another thing I realized JUST TODAY is that my weight loss has stalled since we first started talking about these new positions.  Remember our trip to Vienna???  It started then.  Thinking of the possibility of the new job,which is higher visibility is daunting - Can I do it? Am I up to it?  It's a similar train of thought to the insecurities I felt about starting this weight loss journey in the first place.

Somehow, it's all gotten jumbled up and intertwined and it seems that I've got two big insecurities - job and weight loss - juggling them both at the same time - not managing to maintain confidence that I can do one, much less both -  not succeeding at managing them objectively.  As a result, I think my weight is starting to go up ever so slightly and slowly.

THIS IS A TREND THAT MUST BE REVERSED!  I've tracked my weight every day and it is slowly trending - slightly - but I believe it's real.  I think I didn't want to believe it, because so many folks have finally started commenting on my weight loss, but it's true.  I will update everything to the left along with a new graph before the week is out.  Another one of those bullshit veils - no need to lie to myself - my body knows the difference. 

It seems to deal with the stress, I want to make things easier (read:  make excuses), so I'm fighting old habits - mostly the eating out.  It's comforting and easy and allays my stress and fear. That's the other thing I realized today.  It was like a big, "DUH!", but I think I fooled myself into making it okay.

One thing that will help this is that we have a freezer full of food that needs to be taken care of by the time we move in mid-January.  What's not eaten will be donated to the local food bank.  It's most meat and garden vegetables, so all healthy stuff.

All I know is I will try and I won't give up and I will get through it and start losing again.

Strange how I didn't realize what was going on.  BTW - tonight was leftover pork, mushrooms, and onions.

We're going to Idaho this weekend.  I think we've found a house and if it's the one, I want to make sure we get it.  From the online pictures and video, it looks perfect.  The realtor and I have been going back and forth - I told him what I wanted, he said it would be difficult to find.  I was starting to believe him and said that we'd be "...living in a van, down by the river," but the realtor persevered.  He sent me a link the other day of a house that was coming on the market - the whole family agrees - from Grandma to the niece.  Keep your fingers crossed for us.

On another note, hubster and I got married in July 1984 and moved to Idaho in January 1985.  We got married again 30 years later in July 2014 and we're moving back to Idaho In January 2015 - 30 years later...maybe to the day.  It's karmic.

Thanks to everyone who commented on the Thanksgiving pic of Mama and me.  I love them - I think I'm gonna frame them.


Saturday, December 6, 2014

Thanksgiving pic...revisited

Well...here I am...

...with a Thanksgiving pic...revisited.

We had a great Thanksgiving holiday - it's always such a deep-down, feel good feeling when I have my favorite people - my family - with me.  We had a few eventful things happen - hubster cut his finger on an oyster shell and kept passing out - and I mean passing out COLD - like he has every time he's seen his own blood for the last 35 years.  He and my daughter had bandaged the cut, so I couldn't see it.  Their description - verbatim - was, "It's deep - real deep.  It needs stitches."  After the ER doctor sees the cut and actually snorts a little, they put some glue on it and send him home.  Hubster will NEVER live this down.

Thanksgiving itself was great - most of the food was good, except for the pumpkin pies.  I make them from scratch...and forgot to add ANY sugar at all.  We ended up with store-bought pumpkin pies.

As I said before, macaroni and cheese is my downfall.  And as planned, I fixed the macaroni and cheese this year.  I made a smaller pan - I think it was a smaller pan.  At dinner, I got what I wanted - and it was a larger serving.  I was SO looking forward to having it - really looking forward to it.  Can I just tell you that I was disappointed?  I don't know if I did something differently or my taste buds have changed, but the reality didn't fit the memory at all.

I didn't have any more that night - hubster put all the leftovers in the basement refrigerator.  In past years, I've made regular treks down to the basement to get seconds, thirds, and fourths.  Truth be told, on Thanksgiving evening, I didn't think any more about it after dinner.

On Sunday, everyone was gone and I had the thought of having some.  I went downstairs and got some - and again, the taste just didn't fit the memory.  The messed up thing about it though is that I had the thought of getting some more - perhaps it would taste better then.

That's when I caught myself.  If it didn't taste awesome on Thanksgiving and wasn't awesome four days later, it wasn't gonna miraculously change...dumbass.  I didn't trust myself about it though and asked hubster to throw it all away.  Later on Sunday evening, I rummaged through the refrigerator looking for that stupid mac and cheese - it was not there so I was thankful.  My sensible self had preemptively helped my weak self.

It seems that one of our Thanksgiving traditions is for one or two of us to get sick.  I thought we had all escaped sickness this year.  I was wrong - it was just a delayed onset.  I didn't feel good at all on Monday morning.  By mid-morning, I had an upset stomach and felt nauseated  By evening, I had hot and cold sweats and couldn't get warm at all.  I buried myself under blankets and stayed there.  I stayed home from work on Tuesday and Wednesday.  I feel a bit better but I still have an upset stomach that just won't go away.

To a person, everyone commented on how much more weight I had lost even though my weight has stayed static since the end of July (which is when everyone saw me).  I've said before that even though my weight has stayed the same, my body has changed quite a bit.  I was in 20's in July, now I'm in a baggy 18, so I don't know what's going on.  In any event, I was happy folks noticed...and commented!

So - about the Thanksgiving picture.  My mother - hi Mama!! - reads the blog, so she knew that I wanted to take a pic of the two of us together in the same spot as last year - a global progress photo if you will.  Funny thing is Mama is wearing the same jacket as last year as well.  Hubster was being his usual bad self when taking the pics, but we had a lot of fun recreating last year's pic.

Without further adieu - here's the pics:

Thanksgiving 2013
Thanksgiving 2014
Whaddya think?  Can you see a difference?

Tomorrow I'll explain some of the stress of the last few months.  For today, suffice it to say that my news is that we're moving...clear across the country.  I'm excited about being there, but I'm sure as hell not excited about getting there!


Thursday, December 4, 2014

Just a quickie, part deux

Well...here I am...

...with another quickie post.

My family had a wonderful Thanksgiving - and I got sick the day after they left...bedridden, head-covered, shitty feeling sick - and I still feel terrible.  Imagine pale and no eyebrows - that's what I look like.

Lots of news to share coming soon.


Saturday, November 22, 2014

Just a quickie

Well...here I am...

...This is just a quickie, but I feel like I have to stop for a second and just write something.

It's Saturday morning and I'm getting ready to head to Baltimore to pick up my mother, who is the first of the Thanksgiving arrivals.  My daughter arrives this afternoon.  Hubster's uncle called last night and wants to come visit tonight, so we're excited to see him as well.  My son, sister, and niece arrive on Wednesday, so that will complete the arrivals.  My son has two friends who will not be with family this year, so they're coming and we're happy to have them with us - it is the more the merrier!

I love this time of year - mostly because it means my family is together and I get to see my favorite people.  We're lucky in that we get along and there's no family drama.

A friend of mine's daughter passed away unexpectedly - Alissa was 34 years old - brain aneurysm.  I can't fathom the depth of what my friend, the husband, and the kids are feeling and experiencing.  It makes me all the more aware of how fortunate I am.  God Bless Mona's family and RIP Alissa.

I weighed this morning - my weight is coasting along the same path.  My goal for the week is for my week to be the same next Saturday as it is today - 254.2.

Just FYI - Maggie the Cat has decided that she wanted to be inside my robe next to my skin while I wrote this morning.  All you can see is her head and it looks like it's coming out of my chest itself - wish I had a picture!


Tuesday, November 18, 2014

Sodium intake/My "diet"

Well...here I am...

 ...thinking about my sodium intake.

It's kinda surprising actually, but my sodium intake for the day is over 6400 mg.  Reckon that's having much of an affect?  Head --> desk!  That's way too much - so yes, I know this.

I try to keep my sodium levels within a normal range and I can always tell when I've had an abnormal amount of sodium - and it happened today.

This morning was the sausage/cheese/almonds and I had made a salad for lunch - romaine, grilled chicken, feta cheese, artichoke hearts, olives, and Greek vinaigrette.

However, I had forgotten that there was a cookout at lunch today for a charity fundraiser - hotdogs and homemade chili.  I decided to go with the cookout instead.  The woman who made the chili is a friend of time and told me she didn't add any sugar at all - so the only sugar would be coming from the tomatoes - so that's okay - tomatoes are either frugies or veguits (botanically - they're fruits, but the U.S. Supreme Court - yes, THE U.S. Supreme Court decreed that tomatoes are vegetables - you'd think they'd have more important things to do!)

But I digress.

Anyway, I had two hotdogs - no buns - they're were very well-cooked with a lot of char - just like I like them, some of the chili - maybe 2/3 - 3/4 cup, onions, and some cheese.  I totally skipped the bread, the cole slaw, the chips, and all the other white carb shit they had.  It wasn't the most nutritious lunch, particularly when compared to my salad, but it was okay.

Almost as soon as I had finished eating, I could just feel it in my hands and feet.  Of course, today I worked in areas where food and drink wasn't allowed, so I didn't get the chance to try and dilute it with liquids.

I've been drinking like crazy - unsweetened tea and water - since I got home and decided that I'd figure out the sodium intake.  Holey moley - over 6400 grams - that's NUTS!  The bigger surprise is that my salad had more sodium than lunch!!!  The olives had a crap ton of sodium (1340 mg) in them and, surprisingly, the chicken (Costco rotisserie) had a lot of sodium - 635 mg for 5 ounces.

A few folks have asked if I'm on a low carb diet.  Technically, yes I am - very low carb.  My carb intake for today is 44 total carb, so net is even lower.  However, my goal is not a necessarily a low carb diet.

My goal was to cut out ALL added sugar.  I think I've done a pretty good job of that.  Cutting out the sugar means that processed foods are necessarily removed from my food repertoire. While I can't swear to it, I think the hot dogs today were the first processed food I've had in a LONG time - that I can remember at least.  Alright, so I just lied - I do have salad dressing, but it's usually some form of Newman's Own.  Out of everything that I've learned over the last year, I think I'm pretty sure the sugar is gone for good.  Folks have written all sorts of flowery, superlative descriptions about getting rid of sugar.  Let me just say that it makes my life easier, makes me saner, and I feel better without it.

I also cut out white food - rice, potatoes, bread.  On a rare occasion, I'll have a bite of bread or a small serving of potatoes, but like I said.  The hardest time for these was when we'd go out for steak.  There's always the bread ahead of the meal and then the potato with the meal.  We no longer get the bread basket unless we forget and the server brings it anyway.  As for the potatoes, I order either a double salad or an extra veggie.

All veggies above the ground - particularly the green ones, are a green light for me.

Many folks assume that if you're on a "low-carb" diet that you must be eating a high protein diet.  This is not the case with me at all.  I keep my protein around 25-30% of my total intake with at least 30 g protein each meal (note this is not ounces of food, but grams of protein in the food).  I don't think I need more protein.  And while I don't have an issue, folks with kidney issues are generally told to minimize protein.  Being that I've only one kidney, I wanna take care of it - just in case.

The one kidney thing is also the reason I drink like a mad woman.  I drink A LOT!  On a slow day, I have at least a gallon on liquid.  Most days, I push two gallons.  When I get up in the middle of the night to potty, I drink a big ol' glass of water.

So this leaves fat.  My diet is at least 60% fat, sometimes as high as 80%.  I try to get my fat from real foods, like cheese and meats, but I do have salad dressing.  I don't eat low-fat anything...at all.

Is it perfect?  Nope - it's ever-evolving and I'm always trying to make it better and make it my way of life.

And there's something weird here that I can't put my finger on - it's really not about the food at all - the food is food.  It can't do anything at all.  It's what I do with it and how I react to it that's the important thing.  There's a bunch of "whys" that I'm trying to figure out - Why do I overeat?  Why do I want to overeat?  Why can't I just stop?  Why can't I put it in its proper place?  Why do I give food importance?  Isn't that stupid when you think about it?  Other than providing nutrients for our bodies, it doesn't do anything.

I've made some big strides, but there's more steps ahead of me for sure.


Monday, November 17, 2014

Another Monday

Well...here I am...

...another Monday down.

Work issues seem to be relentless lately - I thought they would lighten up at the beginning of the new fiscal year, but they have not.  Oh well.

My blood pressure is not going down on the new meds.  In fact, it was higher today, but I'm not sure how much faith you can put in to those grocery store machines.

Finally, we had a fellow come out this evening to measure for a new patio door and to replace the soffets and rakeboard on the house.  The guy was here forever and it put me in a pissy mood.  I told him at the beginning that I wanted specific things and no more.  I also told him that I would not commit today as we were getting additional quotes - that doesn't seem to matter to salesman.  I know it's their job, but I was upfront about it all.

As far as food goes, it was a good day.  I had my handy dandy chocolate strawberry smoothie for breakfast - thought I'd give the cheese nuts, and sausage a break.  Lunch was an awesome salad with 5 ounces - not 8 ounces - of chicken measured out.  Along with olives and artichokes, it was an awesome salad.

On the way home from work today, I decided on tacos which meant we had to go to the store for a few things, like everything needed for tacos!  Hubster picked two kinds of tortillas, while I got some lettuce to use as the shell.  However, one of hubster's tortilla selections had 19 g carb with 13 g fiber!!!  I was impressed!  I had one with dinner - it was good, but I'll just stick with the lettuce leaf as the shell.  I measured out 3 oz of ground beef in a bowl for me and then had that much again for a total of 6 ounces.  I prepared the meat with just onions, cayenne, and chili powder.  I needed to add more stuff, but the fellow was here about the door, so I was a little distracted.

Because I ate the tortilla, my carbs for the day were 63 g - and that's total carbs - measured.  Net carbs would be 37 g since I had 26 g fiber.

Tomorrow is another shitstorm of a day at work and then another contractor after work.

My mother and my daughter get here on Saturday, so I'm looking forward to the start of these holidays!


Sunday, November 16, 2014


Well...here I am...

....feeling low-keyed.

I've been arguing with myself for the last hour about whether or not I'm gonna write anything because well...just because.

It's been a quiet weekend.  Hubster and I made our Costco run yesterday.  We're trying to get a new patio door order, but it's turning into quite the chore and we can't seem to find the appropriate replacement - it's just irritating the shit out of me.  Other than another few errands, we've been home all weekend.

One thing that keeps running through my mind...and I wish I could remember the blogger...is a comment that someone made in a blog (I remember it was a her) that she could stay on track "...for exactly one day."  When I read the comment, I chuckled but knew exactly what she was talking about.

I surely don't have any answers for how to be 100% successful - I'm sure as hell not.  The only thing I can do is keep plugging away...and that's what I've been doing.

The weekend has been on point.  Last week was pretty much on point as well, though we did eat out twice last week - the evening hubster got home and Friday night.  Not exactly sticking to what I said I was going to do.

In both instances, I ate well.  I kept it to meat and veggies and kept the bread and sugar at bay.  I think there are several problems:  1)  There's a bunch of sodium in restaurant food so even if I don't fall off the wagon, the sodium isn't my friend; 2)  The portions are larger and my problem isn't so much the type of food, but rather the quantity of food.

The night hubster got home, we had steak - ribeye for me and while I gave hubster a chunk of it, I still had too much.  On Friday evening, I had a skirt steak salad with some wings.  Again - no sugar or bread, just too much sodium and too much food.

I've tried to be very conscious this weekend of the amount of food I eat.  I've become an intermittent food tracker - and am trying to become more of an "on" food tracker.  So I've tried in some instances to decrease the amount.  In some instances, I've halved the amount - like the cheese and sopressata.  We had split chicken breasts for dinner tonight.  These guys are usually pretty meaty and I'll eat the entire breast  I weighed it tonight and it weighed 416 grams - that's almost a pound (454 grams) - and that was my breast.

Clearly, I don't need that much, but I told myself that I'd pay attention, eat the green beans, and stop when I was full.  When I stopped eating, I weighed the remainder - there was just about half of it left - 194 grams.  I'll have the rest of it tomorrow in a salad for lunch.

Yannow - I felt for a long time that I was walking on firm ground - solid concrete - and getting somewhere.  For the last while, it seems like I'm trudging through shifting sand.

I'm trying to get on firm ground again.

Know this - I will not give up.


Monday, November 10, 2014

A Lazy Couple of Days/Pre-Thanksgiving

Well...here I am...

...I've had a lazy couple of days.

So, hubster left on Saturday and I haven't left the house since then...and I've had a fine time!  I've got a ton of stuff that I could do, but I've done absolutely nothing except chill.

The good thing about hubster going out of town is that it makes eating easier.  He likes a lot more variety than I do - I'll eat the same thing day in, day out.  I did change it up a little yesterday and made the most kick-ass omelet I think I've ever made - I impressed myself!  But I think it was the cast iron skillet that did it.  Yannow when they're perfectly seasoned, it seems almost impossible to screw up anything you cook in it - and nothing sticks! 

So exactly what have I done?  Well - I moved from the upstairs to the downstairs - it didn't seem right to actually stay in bed all day!  I did a lot of computer work, I shredded three kitchen trash bags of credit card offers, I gave Lucky her subcutaneous fluids twice a day - she's taking it VERY well, I cleaned the litter box, I cooked when I was hungry, and I vegged and read a ton of blogs.

Today though I did just a LITTLE exercise.  I have a set of hand weights in front of the fire place  When I walked in the family room today, I swear they were looming.  So I did a little bit of arm work.  I couldn't figure out why I was so weak at the end of each set.  When I put the weights down at the end, I saw they were 15 lb weights.  I thought they were 10 lbs.  I'm such a dumbass!  lol

Thanksgiving is here in 17 days.  Karla said in her awesome blog that she was gonna be on spot and on point until Thanksgiving so that she could enjoy the day without feeling that she was derailing herself.  I think this is a good plan.

I've been thinking about Thanksgiving a lot since everyone will be here for a week.  When I think about what we've eaten for Thanksgiving week over the last few years, there's not a lot that I will have an issue with or have a difficult time adapting.

Except the macaroni and cheese. 

Since I've started this journey, many folks have talked about trigger foods and foods they can't put down once they start eating the.  I don't have any of that at all.  At least I didn't until I thought about the macaroni and cheese we have at Thanksgiving and Christmas.  It IS my trigger food.

I like all the other stuff we have at the holidays, but I *LOVE* the macaroni and cheese.  We make it from scratch - mama's recipe, but I make it now - and it's the thing I get a second helping of, the thing that I eat again two hours later even though I'm not hungry, the thing I have for breakfast the next morning.

We always have a variety of pies - pumpkin, pecan, coconut, etc., along with a bunch of other dessert-y type things.  I can take a bite or not - it doesn't bother me either way, but that macaroni and cheese is a whole nuther Oprah!

I've got 17 days to decide what to do.  Since it's something I have only twice a year, I'm not going to NOT have it.  The thing I have figure out is how I'm going to handle and control it.  Right now at this moment, I don't know how I'm going to do it.  I imagine some turkey with a bunch of beans and a boatload of macaroni and cheese.

It'll be the first pasta I've eaten since last Christmas.  Perhaps the carb shock from the pasta will make me sick and my body will reject itself and I'll never want to eat macaroni and cheese again.  Nah - that's not gonna happen.

Perhaps I'll eat some of the macaroni and cheese and get full really fast and get a stomach ache so I won't eat anymore.  Perhaps I'll make less - usually I make a HUGE pan cuz everyone loves it.  Wait - I wonder if that's an excuse.  Perhaps every one else only likes it and I'm the one loves it and I project that on to everyone else...I have to make it for THEM.  That way, I can make a huge pan without feeling guilty because I'm the real pig.  And of course, that means there's a lot...too much...macaroni and cheese left over.

Maybe it'll turn out like the potatoes did one year.  Maybe it'll get burned.

Like I said, I've got 17 days to figure it out.  Like Karla, I'm gonna be diligent, studious, full force, all in, no cheating.  I'm hoping that will help.

I gotta say - and this is incredibly stupid - I'm starting to get pissed off at the thought of this macaroni and cheese.  I'm feeling deprived and I haven't even had it yet!

What are you gonna do?  Do you have a Thanksgiving weakness?


Friday, November 7, 2014


Well...here I am...


We found out yesterday that our oldest dog, Lucky, is in renal failure, which makes us quite sad.  We went through it with Lila, our Corgi, so we know what to expect.  Luckily, we discovered the issue with Lucky early so that's a big help - her creatinine and BUN are quite elevated, but her phosphorus levels are normal.  We'll give her subcutaneous fluids twice a day and keep her on a low protein diet.  While it seems a bit odd to say, other than the kidney failure, she's in good health!  We got her from the pound when she was 3.5 years old.  She had been mistreated, was quite sickly, and had heart worm.  That was Christmas 2000.  We got her all fixed up and she's been an awesome, faithful girl!

Food-wise, I'm still on it!  We've eaten home each night for the last week except for Tuesday, so that's awesome.  We ate out on Tuesday because of errands we needed to run and knew we'd get home late, so we went to the rib place.  We'll do the same thing for the coming week - eat at home!

One thing I notice eating at home - and hubster commented on it tonight - is that the food we prepare at home generally tastes better than restaurant food.  That's not always been the case - I think we've just become better cooks!

One cool thing happened today.  We always stop at McDonald's for coffee in the morning.  When we got to the drive-thru window this morning, the girl told us that the car ahead of us had paid for our coffee.  How awesome is that?!?!  We were so excited by the kind gesture that we didn't pay for the car behind me, but we will on Monday!

I'm starting to think about Thanksgiving.  My mother and my daughter get here two weeks from tomorrow, and my son, my sister, and my niece get here on Wednesday before turkey day, so I gotta start planning.  We always have just a good family time - nothing over the top at all, but just the comfortableness and contentment of spending time together.  

Mama always makes vegetable soup and potato soup.  We have the same conversation every year about whether it's ground beef or hot dogs that go into the vegetable soup.  Mama - it's ground beef!  We always buy an extra ham so Mama will have the bone for the potato soup.  I don't know what it is, but Mama's ham is a lot better than my ham and we all just graze on it.  I prefer the vegetable soup, while my sister prefers the potato soup, so that will be easy!  We also hit Macaroni Grill because Mama loves it.  We've had shitty service the last several years, so we're switching locations this year.

In thinking about the upcoming holiday, I remember and think a lot about the picture that Mama and I took together last year.  It is a terrible picture of me and it ain't so good of Mama either.  I love the pic though because Mama doesn't like having her picture taken and I don't either, so getting one of us, much less BOTH of us actually semi-posing for the camera - well, that's something special.  It don't no matter we ain't beauty queens - we got our own brand o'beauty!

Anyway, when I saw that picture I was close to horrified.  I'm an effing moose!  It helped me start thinking about making changes that needed to be made - it wasn't IT, but it was a help.  That jacket in the picture - I wore it today.  Last year, I couldn't zip it; today, one side crosses the other side by about 4 inches.  I hope Mama will take the same picture in the same spot as last year.

We'll see.


Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Damn scale

Well...here I am...

...thinking about the damn scale.  It does seem to have a mind of its own sometimes.

The scale has been up every day for the last four days in a row - and I have been ON POINT!  No slipping, no sliding at all!

I couldn't figure out at first what was going on, so I started looking for clues.

First - when I went to the doctor last week, she added another blood pressure medication.  When I started losing weight, my blood pressure went down to normal, but it didn't last long.  It didn't go back as high as it originally was, but it's still high enough to warrant medication.  Perhaps the medication is doing it.  However, I specifically asked her how it would affect my weight and she said it wouldn't.  So probably not.

Second - I've been having sausage, brie, and cheese for breakfast the last few days - not all willy nilly, but weighed and measure so as to not go wild.  Could it be the nuts and cheese?  I don't think I've had problem with nuts and dairy before, but it's a possibility.

Third - and most likely - I'm getting ready to start.  Over the last year or so, they've become irregular, but all the tell-tale signs are there - so that's probably it.  Dammit!

Just gotta pay attention to the ol' body!

It was really frustrating at first.  I mean, I've been doing great and THIS happens?!?!  I don't know what the scale will say for the next few days, but I know I'll be on point...and STAY on point.

The combination of the scale, the yucky crampy feeling, and the ever-present stress at work has the potential to lead to bad decisions - and it almost happened tonight.

The last few days have been stressful...yet again!...at work.  As hubster and I are work this evening, I get a message that there's a serious accident and all lanes of traffic are closed.  Of course, it's our route.  Great!  JustGreat!  It will take forever to get home.

We take the back road and make progress, but I ask hubster if he wants to go to the Peruvian place.  He says okay.  So off we head in the direction of the Peruvian restaurant.

But wait...didn't I say that I was going to try and not eat out last week?  And here I am the one suggesting that we go out to eat?  Wait a minute - didn't we eat out last night because we had errands to run after work?  Do I really want to go out to eat?  If we don't go out to eat, there will be less temptation, we'll get home sooner, and we'll save that money.

While I'm considering this decision, I remember being in the car about the same time and about the same place several months ago.  The decision then was whether or not to go out to eat. At the time, hubster didn't want to go, so we came home.  At that time, I remember I got mad and felt quite deprived because I wasn't getting to eat what I had in my mind.  While that time didn't have anything to do with tonight, somehow remembering that helped me.

This time, I wasn't thinking about any food in particular, I was thinking about the time and the ease.

Decision made and changed - we go home instead.  Dinner was very simple - pork chops.  Quick, easy, and it was done.  I think we save time AND money.  But more importantly, I kept my word.  We've eaten out the one time this week, so done is done!


Monday, November 3, 2014


Well...here I am...

it's Snickers...revisited.

I really kicked Halloween's ass this year and successfully navigated all the candy traps and avoided ALL Halloween candy in all spaces and places.  Hell, I even bought pretzels instead of the usual candy for the kitties.


So, I get to work today and a friend of mine comes down to see me.  As soon as I saw the full, rounded napkin, I knew something was up.  She walked up to me and said, "Hey darlin'", and puts this napkin on my desk.

The napkin opens up and THIS is what I see:

 Are you effing serious?!?!??!

I looked at Missy and said, "No Missy!!!  I can't eat these!"  She replied, "But you loved them!"  I said, "Yes, I do, but my ass doesn't like them at ALL!"  She said, "Awww bullshit, you can have one in the afternoon for a pick-me-up!"

She refused to take them back!!!  This woman is the size of, oh, I don't know, Heidi Klum, and just as sweet as the day is long!  She truly doesn't get the whole food issue thingie I have.  I dunno - out of all the folks I know, I *know* she didn't mean anything by it and only had good intentions.  Regardless of how much I weigh, she always tells me I look awesome.

Challenges come from all directions and with all intentions - it's amazing really.  I so wasn't expecting that at all so early on a Monday morning.  But I'm so glad that my strength and fortitude were in full gear.  Otherwise, it would have been difficult and I would have succumbed to the Snickers!

One thing I do know is that if I had eaten a Snickers, it would have been a struggle NOT to eat another one...and then another one.  Last week, I had a cookie and there was no problem at all stopping at one.

So what's the difference between the two?  Is it the texture?  the taste?  the timing?  I dunno.  While it wasn't a struggle at all to not eat the Snickers, I knew that if I did, the story would change.  Why was it easy to be objective about it?  I dunno.  I would be a rich woman if I did!

The rest of the day was nonstop and I ate lunch very late.  Lunch was a salad of chicken, feta, lettuce, and pepper with some greek vinaigrette.  Simple and tasty.  Dinner was interesting - hamburger, hot sausage, and mushrooms.  Somehow, we forgot to cook a vegetable!  Macros for the day are great!

That's about it for the day.  I'm still shaking my head about those Snickers!


Sunday, November 2, 2014

Successful weekend/Progress

Well...here I am...

...I've had a successful weekend.

We made our weekly Costco run and got the usual.  They had the fudge demos there for the beginning of the holidays.  I put two packages of fudge - 2 pounds total - in our cart.  Hubster eyed it with suspicion.  I told him that it was for when the family visited at Thanksgiving  When we were ready to check out, we reviewed the items in the cart - the fudge was put back.  It was for the best.  While I think I could have handled it, there's no need to put unneeded obstacles in my way - there are plenty anyway!

For some reason, I didn't sleep well last night and was up when the time changed.  It ended up helping since I slept a bit late today.  Because I slept late, I only ate twice with a snack in between. 

Breakfast was a beautiful omelet - eggs, cheese, bacon, and mushroom - cooked in my cast iron skillet.  It was awesome.  I swear I think it cooks better than other types of skillets.  Dinner was chicken and beans and my snack was the brie, sopressatta, and almonds.  It was a perfect food day - the macros are the way I like and I'm satisfied.

I received an email last week from a company that would like for me to try their food and blog about it and to relate my experience with their program.  I've thought about it a lot and even replied with a few questions.  While it's a bit enticing and I feel a bit complimented about it, I don't think I'm going to participate - perhaps in the future, but not now.

When I started the DIP back in January, even though I didn't know how I was going to do it, I was determined to do it on my own - to figure this out for myself and me - to wade through all the bullshit.  I've tried plenty of programs in the past and nothing has been long term as I didn't learn how to deal with the emotions about food, with the various food situations, with the emotional food situations I found myself in...even when it wasn't a situation!!!

While I screw up all the time, I've truly learned a lot in the last 10 months and I've made tremendous strides and progress - and most importantly, I still have that determination today  It's not perfection, but it is progress - and that's really what it's all about.  The saying is "work in progress", not "work in perfection."

It's been slow going the last couple of months - extremely slow going.  But that's a big lesson as well.  The biggest thing I've learned is that I can do this even when the going gets rough - that I do have the fortitude to keep trudging along, that I can recover when I screw up, that I don't have to be perfect to be successful.  If I hadn't learned this, I could very well be 350 lbs right now - no shit.

So - for these reasons, I'm gonna stick with the DIP.  Progress is not just a number on the scale.


Friday, October 31, 2014

Hubster's home/Work Party

Well...here I am...

...Hubster's home...for a few days!

He got home yesterday and guess what we did?  Yup - we went out to eat!

He wanted to go to an Italian restaurant, but that's just too much to deal with so I suggested a different restaurant.  So - on the way, we changed our minds yet again and went to a different place altogether.

I ordered iced tea and he got a beer.  We ordered a chicken wing appetizer - half breadless, so that was good.  Hubster ordered a honking big-ass hamburger, while I order naked baby back ribs and a side salad.  I told them I didn't want any sauce AT ALL and to leave all the sides - just make sure the salad was good.

The food comes out - hubster's is on the money, but my ribs have a bunch of sauce and are sitting on a pile of french fries.  I sent all of it back and reiterated my request for no sauce and a side salad.

I got my salad fairly quickly, but the ribs took a while.  By the time I got the ribs, hubster was done with his burger, so I ate about half of the ribs - the small end of the rack.  Perfect?  No.  But it'll do.

Tonight - it was chicken breast and green beans...at home!  I'm going to try and eat at home for the next week.  Clearly eating out is a weak point for me.  Even when I make good decisions eating out, it's not something I need to do on a near-daily basis!

Interesting thing happened today - irritated me a bit, but I didn't let it show.

A little back story first.  One of the fellows in my group has a history of gaining/losing weight.  I'm guessing he was up to about 350 lbs and wasn't looking very healthy.  On Wednesday, I walked into his office to talk to his office mate and I noticed that he'd lost some weight.  He said he was down 20 lbs and made a big deal of it, rightly so.  He said he'd basically given up sugar and was watching what he was eating.  His diet still consists of a lot of frozen, packaged food but he's making an effort.

His office mate commented that I had lost a lot of weight, which I appreciated  We chatted for a few minutes and that was it.  I went away happy that he was losing weight because he truly wasn't looking healthy or well.  I was also happy that someone had commented on my weight loss.  Actually - I got two comments on my weight loss on Wednesday.

So - my secretary's last day was today and we had a going away party for her at lunch.  Two women in the group are basically the event planners, so they had 8 large pizzas from a chain, bagged salad from the grocery store, and a bunch of desserts that different folks brought.

The get together was at 11:30 and I had plans with hubster at 12:30, but I felt that I needed to go.  Well clearly, I'm not gonna eat pizza and I'm not gonna eat the dessert.

I sat down with a bottle of water and folks wouldn't stop commenting - they were being nice, but it was a little much, so I got some salad and some diet soda.  I noticed that the fellow I'd talked with on Wednesday had at least two, possibly more, slices of pizza, along with a cupcake with a crap ton of icing.

I didn't think about it and I wouldn't have said anything about it - I *KNOW* how difficult those situations can be.

So what does that asswipe do???

He comes up to ME and asks, "So - is that soda you're drinking?"  Like I was breaking some law and going against what I had said earlier.  I was actually surprised he said anything to me at all.  I mean, seriously???  I have diet soda and a salad - you're the one eating all the trash!  What would possess him to say anything to me???

So I said, "This is Diet Coke.  What did you have?"  My INSIDE voice said, "Fuck you asshole."  Of course, I couldn't say that to a direct report.  He went on to talk about how his pizza and sweets were all okay and justified.  Okay - your plan, so good for you.  I was DONE with the conversation in very short order.

Yannow - the thing about it is I know how difficult this road is - I'M ON THE ROAD - RIGHT SMACK IN THE MIDDLE!  I try my best to not judge anyone when they screw up - none of us are perfect, I'm surely not perfect - that's clearly evident.  I think we try to do the best we can - it's just that our best is better at some times than at other times!  I've had a difficult time lately and I've appreciated the camraderie, the support, the nudges to hold me accountable that I've gotten from people.  No problem with any of that at all.

I did have a problem with the way he approached me, like it was a dare or he had *caught* me.  I thought it was totally wrong, but it is the way that lots of people approach such things.  Some folks think this sort of approach is a way to show support - I think such folks are full of shit.

Anyway - here's the dessert layout for today:

For the sake of full disclosure, I did have one of the cookies in the green container.  While we were all sitting around the table, we talked about all the desserts.  The fellow who made the cookies just started working at the lab; in a previous life, he was a culinary school graduate and a big ol' dessert maker.  When looking at the desserts, I remembered Susan's recent comment - something like, "...you know what it tastes like, so you don't need to try it."  It helped.

Pumpkin cupcakes, any cupcakes really, from a grocery store hold no appeal for me.  Now I'm a brownie lover and I would have liked the brownie.  But again, they're from the grocery store and "...I know what it tastes like, so I don't need to try it."  YES!  That other thing at the top - well hell, I didn't know what it was and furthermore, I didn't want to know what it was.  It looked water-logged and soggy.  However, the cookies were made from scratch by a chef that I know who cooks by mass and not volume - I didn't know what it tasted like.

I had a cookie.  And it was enough.  It was good, but I tell ya, the sugar taste is just not what it used to be.

Anyway - those are the warts for today!


Tuesday, October 28, 2014

Catching up

Well...here I am...

...Catching up.

My mother fussed at me this morning for not blogging and we all know - we don't want mama fussing at you!

Hubster's out of town again.  Funny thing - I've been doing much better when he's not here than I do when he's here.  I'm not quite sure what I think about that and even what to make of it.

When he's gone - I rarely, if ever, eat out.  I made the Costco run and have been eating at home every night since he's been gone.

I think part of the answer is that when he's gone, there's more I have to do at home since there's no on to split the chores.  But then again, it's just us so there aren't a lot of chores.  Perhaps when he's home, we work later and are just too tired to think about preparing dinner after a long day.  And we have had some long days the last few months.

In the beginning, hubster was really on it with me.  Perhaps he's gotten tired of this new way of eating??  I don't know that's fair to say though - he's been pretty supportive and it's not like he forces me to go out to eat.

I don't know what the deal is, but in the end, it's not up to him, it's up to me.  I need to have the same resolve all the time - not just when he's out of town.  Kinda interesting - it used to be that when he went out of town, I never ate at home!

I paid a short visit to the 240s, but then....we had a big dinner out!  Clearly eating out is my issue!  I'm struggling, but I will get there.

One huge thing though - and I do think it's a "thing" - is my clothes.  They are decidedly more loose, less tight than they were before.  I'm talking about the 18s too!  My body is changing shape or something.  A new shirt that I bought before we went to Idaho has more room across the boobal area and it's not a new bra doing it either. 

There's a crap ton of candy around the office - all the offices.  Truly, it doesn't much bother me, but every time I see the little Snickers, these fatlittlefingers wanna take one.  I haven't, so yeah me!  The little boy scouts came around yesterday selling their pop corn.  I bought some and it will be delivered when my son is home, so he'll devour it in pretty short order.

Nothing much going on here - just doing the best I can!


Tuesday, October 21, 2014

Thinking about snacks

Well...here I am...

...thinking about snacks.

It's been a very busy couple of days - Day long meetings yesterday and today.  I made sure I had an ample breakfast so it would last me through and past lunch if needed.

Breakfast lately has consisted of triple cream brie and soppressata with an almond on top.  It's weighed out to 1.5 oz of each plus the almond.  I'm having finger foods for breakfast, but I'm loving it!

But, yesterday I had too much coffee during the morning meeting and started feeling a little uneasy in the tummy.  I knew I needed something to eat, so during a break I went on the hunt.  I checked out the vending machine - nothing there that would even remotely fit the bill, plus have you seen how expensive vending machines are lately?!?!?!?!

I ended up in the admin's office - they have everything!  And just what do I see on the desk?  Green tea KitKats (from Japan) and some pretzels.  The KitKat package was too pretty to open, so that left the pretzels.  Now I just said that I don't like pretzels and I don't, but I gotta say they were the perfect thing - they were the fat stick kind.  I got a few and it was perfect - made my tummy feel better.  Better yet - I didn't want more!

I switched it over to tea today and that seemed to help a whole bunch.  Thank goodness the meetings are over.  The one good thing about them was that everyone was positive and looking at the positive side of everything.  It's something I need to do more - think more positively.

The scale is wobbly still but it's definitely on a slow downward trend - it seems I'm hovering around the 250-252 mark, which is down from the 252-254 mark.  Hubster is going out of town again on Friday, so I think it'll be easier to get to the 248-250 range and below!

I just came across this John Oliver video about sugar.  It's great!  https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=MepXBJjsNxs

Lots going on with personal family stuff lately - some good, some stressful, but we'll get through it.


Sunday, October 19, 2014

A bag without Snickers

Well...here I am...

...thinking about a bag without Snickers.

Yesterday, hubster and I made our weekly Costco trip.  While there, I saw those huge pallets with large bags of bite-sized candy for Halloween.  The first thing I said to him was that we needed to buy a bag that didn't have any Snickers.  While I was looking for the bag without any Snickers, I thought about last Halloween...and the one before that...and the one before that. 

Usually, we'll buy a big ol' bag of candy close to Halloween so as to not have it in the house for long.  Plus, we're usually pretty good about not opening it before Halloween.  If it does get opened, hubster will take it to his man-cave so I don't need to see it.  If I happened upon the open bag, I'd look for the Snickers.  I've always liked them and I can remember my mother eating them when I was a kid.  She'd put them in the freezer and eat them cold.  Mama seems to like cold candy.  Actually, I don't know if it's because it's cold or because it's hard.

Anyway, in an effort to not have a ton of candy left, I let the trick-or-treaters grab a big hand of candy - I'm sure their parents love me!

That's all good.

The problem comes AFTER Halloween.  Somehow the rules were always different AFTER Halloween.  We always have a ton of candy left afterward and it stays in the bowl by the front door.  The problem is that I would pass the bowl on the way upstairs.

Now one thing about me is that when I crawl into bed at night, I watch TV and get on the computer.  As I type now, I'm in bed with the TV on and writing this blog

Anyway, after Halloween, while on my way upstairs, I would pick "just a Snickers".  The next time I'd pick two Snickers.  And when I would go to bed at night, I'd pick "just one of each of the ones I really like" - five pieces.  A little treat for me after a long day.  The justification was that they were single bites, so it couldn't be too much.  I told myself that I was eating in total a single candy bar.  Hell - it might be more, but that was the justification. Then it'd get to the point where I'd get "just one of each" just about every time I passed that damn bowl.  This would continue until the candy was gone.  Year after year.

I had all these thoughts while looking for the bag without Snickers.  Well, there wasn't a bag without Snickers!  What the hell was I to do?  I had to get candy for the kids!  I need to give the kids fun candy!  I'm just gonna have to suck it up and buy the bag with Snickers - I mean what else can I do?!?!?

Then the sane me appeared and said, "Well the first thing to do is to get rid of these bullshit thoughts!"  You don't even know most of these kids.  Most of these kids are gonna get a shit ton of candy and sure as hell aren't gonna miss not getting candy from you.  Don't set yourself up to fail - and if you buy the bag with Snickers - or any candy for that matter - that's exactly what you're doing.

I was a bit irritated at my sane self for a moment - I mean, who am I to make sense and erase excuses????  This would have been my chance to have some candy!  This would have been my opportunity to have an excuse to eat some candy!  What better excuse is there than Halloween?!?!?!?!

Well dammit.

I looked around to see what else was available - this is what I bought.

Pretzels!  I'm not keen on pretzels AT ALL!  Plus, it was less than half the price of the bag of chocolate candies - AND I get a cute purple container!  A win all around!



Thursday, October 16, 2014

A good day

Well...here I am...
...having a good day!

Do you ever just have a good day?  Where no matter what happens, it doesn't dampen your mood?  I had that kind of day today - even though I didn't get to sleep until almost 3 am!

I woke up to my alarm, snoozed a little more and then decided to go ahead and get going - it was gonna be a busy day and hubster was coming home.

I had forgotten to set the coffee for this morning, so I had to make it.  I put too much in and thought it would be too strong.  It was one of the best cups of coffee I've had in a long time.  How awesome is that???

For foods that I eat regularly, I generally don't weigh, but this morning, I weighed both the sausage and the cheese - both were 1.1 oz.  Just what I wanted!

When I started to leave for work, I stopped for a minute to look at the trees.  This tree in particular is just beautiful with its colors - the picture doesn't do it justice - I do love the fall here!  Isn't it beautiful?!?!

My commute was also a breeze - it can take anywhere from 20 minutes to an hour depending on traffic.  Today, I made it in 20.  AWESOME!

Plus, while driving to work, I got to talk with my mother - handless of course.  Can this day get any better?!

I had an hour meeting that lasted 2.5 hours.  Even THAT didn't bother me.  I whispered across the table and asked a co-worker if she wanted to get lunch.  She said yes.  Wonderful!

Because the meeting ran long, the turkey was almost gone.  I moved it around to see if there was any meat left.  What do I find?  The sweetest, most tender piece of turkey loin!   Yeah ME!

Had meetings in the afternoon - a fellow working under me and my boss.  Both were happy when we parted! WOW!  Three in a row for the day!

Chatted with the funniest admin folks ever - we all know they run the place anyway!  They always make me laugh and I leave their offices in a better mood!  It's brutal, but oh so much fun!

Traffic was heavy on the way home, but I got to talk with my sister - again, handless - until I got home.  I do love my sister!

When I walked in the door - hubster was home!!  WOOHOOO!!!!

We hung out for a bit and then grabbed something to eat.  I had a bunless burger at the wing place along with a few wings and a salad.  Everything tasted great and hubster and I enjoyed catching up!

Now - hubster's snoring next to me while I'm writing my blog.

It was a good day!


Wednesday, October 15, 2014


Well...here I am...

...it's one of my cancerversaries.  I didn't remember yesterday that today was an anniversary, but when I saw the date today - I couldn't but help remember.

Eleven years ago today, on October 15, 20013, I had surgery to remove my left kidney because of a cancerous tumor that had been incidentally found at the end of September.  It was such a shock - I had no symptoms at all - cancer wasn't even remotely on my radar.

On 9/25/03, I had a horrific pain in my left arm, so bad that I could barely use my arm.  This sent me to the ER, where they did blood work and a stress test.  The blood work came back with elevated d-dimers, which can sometimes indicate a pulmonary embolism.  A lung CT was ordered.  Luckily, my lungs were totally clear, but the scan caught my kidneys.  They came in to my little ER room and told me they had found a mass in my kidney and wanted to do an ultrasound.  I said, 'sure'.  When they said mass, I honestly thought they were talking about a kidney stone - I was thinking I must be tough as nails to not know I had a kidney stone!

After the ultrasound, there was a shift change and a new doctor came in and told me that I had a mass - it wasn't a kidney stone - and needed to see another doctor right away.  He gave me the name of a doctor in town and left.

I was in shock.  What the fuck are they talking about???  I couldn't believe what they were saying, but at the same time, I knew they were right and I was in some serious shit.

The doctor I saw was the most incredible doctor I've ever had.  Luckily, a friend of mine's wife was a radiologist and when he found out, he had her look at the scans.  She upped the urgency and the nephrectomy was scheduled.

There was almost three weeks from the time we found the tumor until I had the surgery.  During that time, I named my kidneys - Henry and Harriet.  The kidney with the tumor in it was Henry - because a woman sure as hell wouldn't have done me that way.  It might sound silly, but it gave me a way to depersonalize it so I could talk about it.  Friends and family still refer to it as Henry.

My mother and my sister came for the surgery - I was so glad they were there.  It was important to me that things stay as normal as possible with the kids, so I made hubster go on a field trip with my son and my daughter got to hang with a friend of hers.  My mom was with me during the day and my sister would stay with me at night.  I was in such pain directly after the surgery, but I knew it was important to get up and walk around.  My sister would unhook me and hook me every time without complaint, she would run interference, keep the nurses on their toes, and let me have something to drink...against orders of course, but I was dying of thirst.

One thing they wanted to measure was how much I peed on my own after the catheter was removed - they wanted to make sure the other kidney was gonna pick up the slack.  In my drug-induced haze, I remember it taking forever to get to the toilet and then peeing.  Out of nowhere, an angelic hand with a beautiful cloud of toilet paper would appear in front of me.  It was my sister giving me the toilet paper.  Funniest thing ever - she gave me toilet paper - Charmin no less - for Christmas that year.

Another funny thing that happened was during prep for the surgery.  I was petrified - absolutely petrified, so they let hubster stay with me until they knocked me out.  As hubster sat on the edge of the bed, the surgeon was there just making small talk with us.  The doctor told me I was gonna be going to sleep because they were putting the juice in the IV.  The next thing I know, I say, "Hmmm...I taste purple."  The doctor and hubster laugh and the next thing I know, I'm in recovery.  I can still remember tasting that purple.

After I was released from the hospital, my mother was with us for a week and was a wonderful mother hen.  She made sure I rested and cooked all that delicious Southern food that she's so good at making.

The physical recovery was easy, but the ensuing years were the toughest of my life.  A few scans, another surgery, and five months later, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer.  Talk about bad luck!

Anyway - it's been 11 years and I'm so incredibly thankful that I'm here, that I've been able to see my children grow to adulthood, and that I was able to celebrate a 30th anniversary with hubster.

When I checked my email this morning, my sister had sent me the following:

Ode to Henry

Today is the day they took you away.
Can't say we miss you,
You were not invited anyway.
You came and were found all by surprise.
You filled lots of eyes with tears and cries.
Cutting you out was the best thing that could happen.
You brought sisters closer in a place people crap in.
This ode is for you Henry.
Glad we never actually met.
Didn't want to get to know you anyhow.
Life is good-Its been 11 years now.

How awesome is that?  She really is the best sister ever.

And let me tell you now - I'm thankful I'm here - no matter how much I weigh!

Oh - and by the way - we never did figure out what caused that horrendous arm pain!


Tuesday, October 14, 2014

Quiet Day

Well...here I am...

...having a quiet day.

There's nothing exciting or pressing going on today and I'm quite thankful for that.  The last few weeks seemed to be non-stop tough.  I've got a lull for about  a month and then it's gonna speed up again - all the way through the spring.

With hubster gone, it's been quite easy to reflect, regroup, and stay on track.  When he's home, he likes to eat something different every day.  While I like to eat lots of different things, I can eat the same thing for days on end.  Being able to do that for the last several days has really helped to again reinforce my behavior and efforts.

There were some beautiful brussel sprouts at the grocery store yesterday, but alas, I passed them by.  But I feel like I've eaten them by proxy since I have the same type of stomach ache I get when I eat them.  My protein has been the same and I've just eaten a different brand of fresh green beans, so I'm not really sure what the problem is.

Now that I'm sitting here thinking about it - I think it might be diet soda.  I bought some diet soda, which I rarely drink and it might be culprit.  I'll leave it alone and try it again next week to see if I get the same result.  If so, that shit is done for and outta here.  I enjoy it every once in a while, but it's no skin if I don't have it.  I'm generally an unsweetened tea, water, and coffee girl.

I'm feeling a bit more settled and back into the swing of things - I hope it stays that way.  Unlike many folks, it's always been easier for me to focus and get to business in the 'ber' months.  Perhaps it's because there aren't as many distractions.

The scale was at 250.4 this morning.  I hit 249.2 on August 27 and haven't seen the 240s since.  I hope to break into them this week and then breeze down to the 230s in pretty short order.  Of course, that depends on me.  I'm trying hard not to think of where I would have been if I had stayed on track...if I hadn't had issues.  Instead I'm trying to look at it as this is exactly where I'm supposed to be.  As long as the lesson was learned, I'm good with it.

I've also been catching up on some blogs.  I seem to take something away when I read about the journey of others and it helps bolster me to see that others are on the same road and facing the same struggles.  I think they've really helped carry me over while I've been struggling.  So thanks all you blogger people!

Oh - how do you like the new blog pic at the top??


Monday, October 13, 2014


Well...here I am...

...trying not to proscrastinate.

This pretty much sums up my attitude for the last few days:

Hubster left for a trip on Saturday and with the hours we've been working lately, the quote pretty much represents my attitude with "this weekend" replacing "today".  I'm happy for the opportunity to do nuttin', nuffin, NOTHING!.  HA!  Mama, thanks for sending the pic to me!

However, if I want to eat, I think I'm gonna have to do something - like take a shower and get dressed.  Usually, before hubster leaves on a trip, I've got something for the crock pot ready to go - not this time.  So Costco - here I come.

Foodwise - I'm good.  Staying on track and towing the line.  One thing I've learned is that I think I'm gonna have to give up brussels sprouts and cabbage.  As time goes by, the tummy ache I get after eating them is getting worse.  It's awful.

Last time I wrote about the trip to Idaho and how I fared on the trip.  I appreciated every comment I received, particularly Susan's.  I've thought about what she wrote often since then and there are two things that I've learned and realized as a result.

First, she's totally right.  Having something like chocolate, particularly at this point can be a slippery slope and something I need to be careful about - quite careful.

The good news is that while I like chocolate, it doesn't make me crazy, so it wasn't difficult to have it in moderation and be done.  And even though there was a lot of chocolate, it's not a trigger for me.

The second thing is that I have to be careful and make sure I remain diligent.  I've been at this for 9 full months now and while I've done okay and made some changes, it seems I've become a little lax - not off the rails, but it could head that way if I'm not careful.  I'm not sure that the habits I've created are lifelong at this point.

I have to remain pro-active on my own behalf.  During the latter half of the week, I was being reactive and letting things happen instead of making things happen.  Now - that's fine to occur every once in a while, but I need to make sure it doesn't become a matter of course.  I'm not far enough along to know that a detour from my path won't lead to a total derailment.  I get more confident as time passes, but I'm not there yet.

So here I am...back at home for a week and things are good.  I'm on track and looking forward to the fall and getting into the 240s and then the 230s.  Still learning every day.


Tuesday, October 7, 2014

I'm here...really!

Well...here I am...


 The last week has been a whirlwind with a lot of hard work and a lot of deep, hard thinking.  All those clothes I bought wore quite well.  We left on Tuesday evening for a site visit and returned home late Sunday.  It was intense.

It was interesting because we used to live in the area we visited, so it was nice to see the place after almost 30 years.  I'd forgotten how beautiful the high desert can be.

And there were a lot of challenges and I didn't always win - not by a long shot.  But there were some cool things too!

The first good thing was the plane ride.  Last year, I was on the verge of having to ask for a seat belt extender because it was a true struggle to buckle the seat belt.  I would pull my shirt over my belt so no one could see how much the belt was biting into my tummy.

Well...here's a pic of the belt on this trip!

How awesome is that?!?!?!  Hubster saw me taking the pictures and just laughed at me.  When I told him what the deal was, he said he was proud of me.  I even had room in my seat and was able to put the tray all the way down without it resting on me!

We bought dinner in the airport to eat on the plane.  I got a good salad and ate it about halfway through the trip.  When we arrived at our destination, it was late and we were both starving.  It was a little strange because neither of us thought we should be hungry.  Anyway, the only thing open was Sonic, so I got some chicken nuggets and split with hubster.

When we got to the room however, the site we were visiting had the following in our room:

The picture doesn't do it justice.  There was a crap ton of chocolate in this basket with a note welcoming us back to the state!  That big thing is huckleberry popcorn, which hasn't been opened and is sitting on the bar.  It was an incredibly sweet gesture, but totally unexpected and exactly the thing I didn't need.  I decided to take two pieces and leave the rest alone.

I took a piece of the chocolate - some brownie thing - took a bite, and put it in the hotel refrigerator.  I had a bite of it every day we were there.  By the time we left on Sunday, I was down to the last bite.  It wasn't difficult to take the bite and put it back. 

There was also a huge caramel apple.  I've got it in the refrigerator downstairs and have been cutting a piece each day.  It'll be done or rotten by Sunday.

As far as the rest of it goes, it's a bit interesting.  There was a ton of chocolate and I know what was in the basket.  I noticed that even though I wasn't going to eat it, I checked it to see what hubster had eaten.  What the hell is that about??

The other thing about it is the loop it kinda knocked me for when I saw it.  I thought it was really sweet, but there was an excited feeling that there was all this chocolate, it was all for me, and I could eat all of it!  And then there was a panicked feeling immediately afterward that there was all this chocolate, it was all for me, and I could eat all of it!

I'm not sure how I reconciled with myself so quickly to pick something and be done with it.  One thing that helped is that one bite really was enough.  It tasted good, but even one bite was intense and more than enough.

The only meals I had control over on the trip was breakfast.  The hotel had eggs and either canadian bacon or sausage each day.

The other meals I handled as well as I could, but by the end of the week I was tired of facing the challenges.  For instance, the first day in the cafeteria there was a salad bar with absolutely no protein, so I got the salad along with some lentil soup.  The other choice was sandwiches with tater tots.  The second day lunch was at a restaurant with another huge selection of sandwiches.  I got the soup and salad bar.  I have never in my life seen a salad bar like this one - the salads were pre-made with the dressing already on them.  Weird.  I selected the chopped chicken salad, but there was sugar in the dressing.

There was also the beer.  I don't drink often and never feel the need to drink because others are.  While it was a great visit, there was a LOT of stress so one night I had a few beers.  I guess it's because I've not had alcohol in a long time - and they were porters - I was hammered.  I talked with my mother and she was worried about me - I think she thought hubster was as inebriated as I was, but he wasn't.  I felt totally fine the next day, so I'm thinking it had to be my general lack of alcohol use and the fast onslaught of sugar from the beer.

On Saturday night, we had dinner at a colleague's house.  I had a small glass of red wine, but then stopped.  I was asked about more wine several times, but I just told everyone that I was the designated driver for hubster.  The dinner itself was fine, but an apple cake was served for dessert.  I didn't HAVE to eat it, I wasn't REQUIRED to eat it, but I picked a very small piece - perhaps a two inch square.

So how did I do on the trip?  I did okay - in the C+, B- range.  I basically maintained the status quo.  I don't know that I can explain it, but those initial thoughts after seeing that chocolate basket was a bit jarring.  I think I addressed them, but it shifted my course for the trip even though I didn't go all BSC on the chocolate.  Having to address the emotion while facing ongoing food choice challenges, and being away from my home turf complicated it all.

Did I do okay?  What do you think?  Am I being realistic or am I making excuses?

All I do know is that I'm glad to be back home!  I've got some water weight, but I'm glad to be back to my old familiar food routine!

And I know now more than ever I have a lot more to learn and to address on this road of mine.


Sunday, September 28, 2014

Tough Week and Clothes Shopping

Well...here I am...

...it's been a tough week.

I had a migraine for three days and now something is terribly wrong with my hip.  It's the lumbar discs causing the pain and sunuvabitch - it hurts!  My cervical and lumbar spine issues seem to be ramping up, so I need to get it taken care of soon.

It's Sunday and because I was out with the migraine one day, I've got to catch up.  I have a huge project that's due Friday, but I committed in August to have it done by 9/30.  So - I'm in the office, sitting on some sort of weird cushion and getting ready to work.  I just wanted to write a few things before I got started.  I've discovered that writing helps me.  I have to make sure that I keep it at the top of the list of important things to do...for me.

Even with the migraine, I had a good food week.  I ate...BUT...I ate at home.  Unlike weeks of the recent past, we only ate out once - Friday night - and even though I had fresh fish and fresh beans, it made a difference.  I think the culprit is sodium.  When we eat at home, I have more control and the the choices are easier, which in turn makes it easier for me to be successful.

One food discovery (at least for me) this week is the combination of brie and almonds.  It was AMAZING!  The combination of the crunch of the almonds and the smoothness of the brie was quite nice and satisfying.  I think I may like that combo even better than the brie and soppresseta.  It's got plenty of protein and fat, so that's another big win.

After our weekly Costco run yesterday, hubster and I went to the local mall and I bought some clothes because of some travel and meetings coming up at the end of the week.  Before I get into the story though, let me tell you about how it used to be.

I always had a sense of foreboding when I had to go clothes shopping.  It had gotten to the point where I couldn't find anything at all in the major department stores that fit me.  This meant that I had to go to the plus size stores.  And to be honest, for a little bit, it seemed I was pushing that limit as well.  Nothing ever fit properly and nothing ever looked right.  Being tall is tough enough, but being tall and fat is even more difficult.

I would usually spend a lot of time crying in the dressing room because I felt so ashamed and so helpless.  Shit - just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes now.  The option of popping into a clothing store to find something cute to wear for whatever reason was unavailable to me.  Plus, I would spend hours shopping and only find one, maybe two, things that were acceptable to wear.  Because of my size, my clothing options were quite limited, and in the end, I would end up buying something that buttoned or zipped regardless of how it looked.

It was some of the most depressing, demoralizing feelings I think I've ever had.  The feelings would last for several days and would lead me to make those promises to myself that I was gonna get my ass in gear and lose this weight - I was gonna go on this diet or that diet, I was gonna do this exercise plan or that exercise plan - I was gonna start right after I had just ONE last big meal.  And so the circle went.

Such a horrible, vicious cycle.  It was totally my fault, but honestly, at the time I couldn't see a way out of the mess I was in.  I couldn't see a way forward.  More than that, I didn't believe I could.

Jump ahead to yesterday.  Every piece of clothing I bought was from a regular department store.  And more than that, I could have bought every piece of clothing I tried on.  The difference was whether or not I liked it on me!  And I must say, I think the choices I made are amazing and look good on me.  They're all a bit more upscale and professional - I'll be smartly dressed!

(NOTE:  I just reread the blog before posting.  I can't believe I said, "...the choices I made are amazing and look good on me."  Not so long ago, those words would not have come out of my mouth.)

One thing that was pretty awesome were some jeans I tried on.  I'm currently wearing Lane Bryant jeans in a size 18, but they're getting a little loose in the leg.  So when I saw Lee jeans, I thought I would try them on.  Since they were in a regular store, I tried on the 20s.  Guess what?  They were too big!  Yeah ME!  Even more important in a weird way, I didn't go back and try on the 18s.  I didn't feel desperate to see it.

The other crazy thing is about clothing sizes themselves.  I bought 15 pieces yesterday - I've got sizes from XL all the way to 3X.  In one case, I've got the same brand in two different sizes!

In the past, buying a 3X would have depressed me to no end.  But the mindset yesterday was totally different.  I bought an XL!!!!  That's the big deal!  Plus, since my options are greater because of my weight loss, I don't have to give undue importance to the size and I don't have to blame myself for the NUMBER in the clothing.

Even hubster was happy.  He used to dread going clothes shopping with me.  How awesome is that?

Instead of yesterday being a horrendously depressing day, it was quite motivating and made me even more determined to keep going to lose the rest of this weight.

Now - I gotta get some work done!