Thursday, January 30, 2014

%&$)&%)@# I am...

Feeling $*%$(*%&(#$

I feel terrible and have the worst cramps ever, a headache, and my entire body is retaining water - stick a pin in me and I could probably replenish the Colorado River!

I stayed home from work today because I felt so terrible.  When I stood on the scale this morning, I had my nightgown on and the scale said 279.6.  It's got to be more now because I'm retaining even more water.

Along with feeling miserable today came some terrible thoughts while I was trying to get a little rest.  'Who am I to think I'll get this weight off.'  'Hardly anyone can lose weight and keep it off, why should I be any different?'  'Why are you even trying this? - you haven't really lost any weight - it was all just water weight.'  'Just give it up - you'll never be able to change your ways!'

Where do these negative bullshit thoughts/feelings come from?  I sure do hope it's hormonal, otherwise, I might as well just hook my arm up to a sugar IV now.

After a while, I gave it up and got on my laptop and basically wondered aimlessly around the internet - I wasn't able to focus on anything.  I wanted to find a particular blogger again, but I can't seem to find her anywhere.  I just had no focus at all.

I had my usual smoothie for breakfast, leftover wings for lunch, and then hubby made dinner - a no carb meatloaf, green beans, and sliced tomatoes topped with guacamole and a little cheese.  He even brought the plate to our room.  He is a good man.  Funny thing though is that when I saw the plate, my first thought was, "Well that's not a very big piece of meat."  I commented on this and he said, "Eat that and then you can get more if you want."  Totally reasonable.  And guess what???  I found that after I ate that plate of food, I was full and didn't want anything else to eat.

After I ate, I took my plate downstairs and thanked him for the great dinner.  I also told him that I was full and didn't want anything else.  He simply said, "That's good."  You've got to know my husband - that's a lot coming from him - he's a show-er; not a talker.  I think he's a little unsure how to support me in my efforts, plus I think he's scared of me when I'm having my period!

One thing I did come across today was the following quote:

Once you realize that it's possible to feel good by not eating certain things and including others instead, the compulsion begins to fall away because you've found something better:  getting your life back.  Geneen Roth

I thought this was quite a compelling thought/quote and I think this is the thing I'm trying to be and understand.  The road to getting there is a little tough - and like the title of my blog - it's a long weigh away.

I dealt with all those feelings and thoughts today.  I just don't know how I will handle them the next time and maintain control.

I dunno - it's just a combo of everything.  The water weight, the pain, the negative thoughts - it just makes me a ball of blah and makes me doubt myself.  So, in the words of Wilson Phillips, I'm gonna 'hold on for one more day.'  Or perhaps like Scarlet O'Hara, I won't think about these thoughts because, "...after all, tomorrow is another day."


Wednesday, January 29, 2014

Tired I am...


It's been a long day and my back hurts!

Woke up this morning and just didn't feel like going to work, but I dragged myself outta bed anyway.  Turned out to be a pretty busy day so I was glad I went.  Lots of productive efforts and future plans in place, so that's always a good thing.

When I stepped on the scale this morning, it was up a little; but now I know why!  Can I just say that I hate, detest, despise cramps.  If I ever see another stupid commercial of a woman in a white bikini swimming during her period - well, I may just have to shoot my television!

Had my smoothie for breakfast this morning with the chia seeds and coconut oil - it wasn't a mistake, it really is a good addition.  A friend of mine suggested that I may was to add an egg; that's a good idea, but might make it a little too creamy for me.

At lunch, a fellow that works under me wanted to have lunch to go over a few things; so he came to my office.  I had a salad with chicken, goat cheese, chia seeds, and Newman's Own Caesar Dressing with a lot of pepper and 1/2 of an avocado.

Then the afternoon was spent on an issue and meetings - meetings are not my favorite things, but I was voluntold, so there ya go.  Perhaps I'll be able to contribute something constructive at some point.

I had dinner with  a friend of mine tonight - I spoke of her last night.  It was fun getting together and just relaxing and talking.  She's interested in what I'm doing with all this, so she's going to forge her way ahead as well.  Good luck HG!

At dinner we discussed all things weight-related.  And we're similar to each other in this way - how the hell did we get here?  At what point did we stop making decisions to take care of ourselves?

Anyway, after dinner she asked to look at the dessert menu and while I had no opinion, I wondered what she was going to do and if she would ask if I was going to order dessert.  It would have been a temptation, but I don't know how big.  She ended up not ordering anything, but just wanted to look at the menu to see if there was anything good.  I do that a lot as well and I thought about that on the way home.

Oftentimes in the past when I've looked at a dessert menu and then not ordered, it was due to no one else at my table wanting anything and I certainly didn't want to look like a pig.  However, I've also ordered dessert many times even though I was full up to my eyeballs with food that I couldn't see straight.  What made me do it?  Well, it tasted good and we all want things that taste good.  But for me, when I do crazy shit like that, it's almost like I have this crazy emotion that if I don't eat it now, I'll be missing the opportunity of eating something that tastes good.  So then I eat it and THEN I'm so full I'm uncomfortable, my stomach hurts, and I've hurt my own self by eating something due to some sort of irrational emotional need to EAT...even though I'm not hungry.

Tonight at dinner, I stopped when I knew I was full. I think I may have eaten one wing too many, but I didn't eat all the wings I ordered so that was a good thing.

My thoughts seem a little jumbled to me tonight - I dunno why.  Perhaps it's because I'm tired and cranky.

One thing I have noticed on the scale is that, without fail, the morning weight after eating out the night before always shows an increase - not always a big increase, but an increase nonetheless.


Tuesday, January 28, 2014

Relaxing I am...


It seems like it's been a busy few days and that it's been forever since I've been able to write anything down.  Where to start?

I posted Sunday morning and was busy for the rest of the day.  By the time we had dinner Sunday night I was ready for bed.  Then last night turned out to be our TV night - The Following and The Blacklist were on and hubby and I watched them both.  In addition to that, I read a book that has held my interest - The Art and Science of Low Carbohydrate Living (Phinney and Volek).  It goes beyond the normal low-carb diet plan and dives into the science of the whole idea.  Since I'm a science-type, I really enjoyed it!  It made me realize that I've been looking at low-carb - just as many folks have done for many years - the wrong way!  I mean, I've done Atkins, South Beach, etc., but I've always missed the point until reading this book.

The point being that low-carb does not necessarily mean high-protein.  In fact, Phinney and Volek say you should have moderate protein, but high fat.  They also explained the aftermath of losing weight via a low-carb diet for some folks.  In a really cool explanation, they said that if a low-carb diet rids you of diabetes, it doesn't mean that you're cured of diabetes, but rather that your diabetes is in remission.  Another way they explained was that you wouldn't give a lactose-intolerant person lactose, so why would you give a carbohydrate-intolerant person carbohydrates.  I dunno - something just clicked with me in reading this book.

Two other things I've tried over the last few days are coconut oil and black chia seeds.  I added some coconut oil to my green beans Sunday night and they were pretty good, though I used too much.  A little goes a long way.  As well, I've wanted to increase my fiber intake and chia seeds are pretty high in fiber.  For the bag I bought, 1/4 cup has 14 g fiber!  So what I did - and I wasn't sure it was gonna be good at all - was add a teaspoon of chia seeds and a tablespoon of coconut oil to my morning smoothie.  It was GREAT!!  It was a little creamier and that was it!  These two will be a permanent addition to my morning smoothie!  Another thing was that I felt fuller all morning.  I mean, I added a total of 4 tsp of food stuff and it kept me fuller.  Cool beans!  OH!  Another thing I did was try my smoothie with the unsweetened chocolate almond milk.  Another hit!

So where has the scale been?  Well - it's been going up, but I think I may be seeing the beginnings of a trend.  I've got a graph of my weight over time at the top left and I like it better than looking at numbers.  In any event, the scale showed a nice dip on Friday and was up for the following three days.  It was down 0.4 lb this morning - and that's AFTER adding salt to my avocado last night!  Tonight was rib night at the local bbq joint, so we'll see what the scale says tomorrow.  On top of that, TOM is floating around here somewhere.  Geez!

My eating has been good and in control - no crazy feelings of desperation about food or anything.  This afternoon, I walked into the admin's office to ask a question.  When I saw a jar of nuts on his desk, I automatically asked if I could have a few since I was a little rumbly.  When I saw the nuts were coated with something, I looked at the ingredients and saw there were 4 g sugar.  I opted to not eat the peanuts.

One interesting thing occurred yesterday.  A friend of mine sent me an email that had a subject line of "WW????" and then had the information of a nearby Weight Watchers location in the body of the email.  Now HG was the first friend I met after I moved here and we have a common problem with our elbows.  hehe.  Yeah - we're both fat.  We actually met at a Weight Watchers meeting and then discovered that we worked at the same place.  So, we basically became WW buddies first.  We have a lot in common, but she's busy, I'm busy and we always seem to fall off the wagon.

Anyway, I called her and after playing phone tag for a while, we finally got to chat.  I told her what I've been doing as far as eating is concerned and how I've been trying to write down how I was feeling in this blog.  Hey HG!  I know you're reading this.

I've been thinking about the conversation she and I had.  It's almost like I can't fully explain how I feel or else I'll just fall apart.  I mean I am just so SICK of being like this, just absolutely disgusted with myself.  I've tried everything under the sun and nothing has worked.  But to be honest, part of the reason it hasn't worked is because I haven't been honest with whatever plan I was on; more importantly, I haven't been honest with myself.  I've had plenty of "I'll start tomorrow" moments, thousands of "Oh - this won't matter", and millions of excuses.  And who was I screwing over????  ME!!  Yeah - I was screwing myself over for something that temporarily tasted good in my mouth.  That's so beyond stupid I want to slap the shit out of myself.  So, I am just done lying to myself.

I still don't have a specific plan, but I am learning about me and getting in tune with my body and it really does give me a feeling of control.  If I can keep this control, I think my battle is 3/4 over.  Whatever I do, I'll have to do forever.  Now do I think I won't ever eat ice cream again.  No, it doesn't mean that at all, but it does mean I won't have it right now.  And when I do have it, it will be because I consciously decided to eat it and not because I'm emotionally reacting to it.  Shit - I've been like an impetuous five year old as far as food goes for the last so many years.  It's time I start acting like the mother and establish limits for myself!  That's what I'm trying to do.


Sunday, January 26, 2014

Sunday Morning I am...

Still in bed on a Sunday morning.

I had a headache (a weird migrainey thing) over the last two days, but still had to get out and get things done.  I was so happy to hit the hay last night.

Hubby and I went out to dinner on Friday night and while I "expanded" the range of what I've been eating, I didn't go all hog wild or anything - I still avoided the white stuff.  The scale was up 0.2 lb yesterday, so I was okay with that.

The scale was up almost two pounds even though I didn't eat anything least I thought.  Sugar is a funny thing.  Let me explain.

I had my normal strawberry smoothie yesterday and then the Caesar salad at Costco for lunch.  Since we're making an effort to eat at home, we decided we'd have a seafood feast for dinner.  So we had scallops and crab cakes.  We did have a lot of seafood - about 1.5 lbs of scallops and 1 lb of jumbo lump.  Turns out that amount of sea scallops (0.75 lbs for me) also turns out to be quite a bit of sugar - 6-9 grams depending on what calculator you use (fatsecret for me).  Of course, I could have mitigated ALL of this by eating a single SERVING instead of 3.

The crab cakes were outstanding.  A friend of mine made some for me one time and they were incredible.  She gave me the recipt - one day I hope mine are as good as hers, but these were pretty damn good.  In my friend's recipe, she uses about 8 crackers moistened in milk.  Well - any cracker translates to "white stuff" for me, so I had to find an alternative.  I ended up using whole ground flaxseed meal 1:1 dry volume - it worked like a charm and perhaps made them a little bit better even.  The flaxseed meal has 4 g CHO for 2 Tbl, but it's all fiber!

We also had tomatoes, purple onions, and mozzarella with balsamic vinegar.  About 1900 cal for the day.

The stats for the day were:

Fat:  97.74 g
Fiber:  12.0 g
Sugar:  26.63 g
Net Carb: 41.63 g
Protein:  179.05 g
Calores:  1879

So - those are the numbers for the day.  The fiber was too low, the sugar was too high, as were the net carbs.

And...the scale was up this morning.  I'm on the fence about my eating for yesterday - I feel that it was okay and not way out there at all.  Another thing could be TOM, but at my age I do get false alarms.

Hubby likes the muffin recipe on the back of flaxmeal package and likes to make them regularly.  We talked about it yesterday and I told him that I would eat them if he adapted the recipe.  He was willing to do that, but when we looked at the recipe and I made suggestions, he said, "You're making this way too hard."  It really hurt my feelings.  I told him so and said that I was just trying to be good to myself and avoid the things I thought were bad, and trying to find ways to adapt things to fit for me.  He immediately apologized, but it rankled me a little bit.

So this morning, dear hubby brings me a muffin and cup of coffee while I'm still in bed.  He used 3/4 cup flour anyway and used canned applesauce instead of pureeing the apples we bought for said muffins.  He said there were 18 muffins, so I it cuts that 3/4 cup to 0.04 cup per muffin; HOWEVER, that's still 4 grams of white carbs.  This goes against what I'm trying to do.

From now on, I'll either make the muffins or else I won't eat them.

I hope to have time to write more this evening.


Friday, January 24, 2014

Finally - it's Friday! I am...

Thankful that finally, it's Friday!

Which is strange when you consider that I had a 2 day work week due to the weather.  However, during a meeting this morning, I realized I have a migraine coming on.  They have a way of totally ruining your day, weekend, whatever. 

The scale was down this morning - I was pleased with that.  I'm going to continue to do the same thing as when the scale is moving in the other direction.  I think the graph gives me a more motivating visualization of my efforts.

Another good thing that happened today was that a co-worker asked me if I had recently had a peel.  She said my skin looked great. "Rosy" is the term she used.  Well that made my day!  And no, I haven't had a peel.

I did decide today that I was going to get a haircut.  In studying the monstrous photo I posted yesterday, I noticed that in addition to being dressed like a bum, but hair is doing NOTHING for me.  Well - I don't usually dress like that, but my hair DOES look like that.  I went through a ton of reviews on Google and Yelp and finally found a salon that has nothing but rave reviews for the stylists.  I've also decided that I'm going to get my hair cut on the short side.  I know fat women aren't supposed to have short hair, but there has to be some styles that look good on us more voluptuous types.

Hubby and I were running late today, so instead of making lunch we decided that we'd just go out to lunch.  Then on the way to work, I talked to my mom and she said that she was going to Bonefish Grill, so that made me want to go there.  So these things are exactly what we did!

Hubby decided he wanted to go to a Thai restaurant; I agreed, but thought, "Oh no!"  Thai places are full of noodles!  In any event, when we got to the restaurant, I went through the menu and finally had two options.  2 app orders of chicken satay with no sauce and a house salad or some lunch special with the veggies just steamed with chicken and a single order of chicken satay.  The waiter suggested the second option, which was the wrong option!  The chicken satay was nicely grilled and moist even without any sauce.  The steamed veggies were awful.  I kept telling myself that I was getting nutrition, but I also finally decided that I can ENJOY my nutrition and stay in CONTROL at the same time!

Dinner was a bit of a splurge, but not overly so.  We went to Bonefish.  We ordered the Bang Bang Shrimp.  It is fried, but the server checked and told me that an entire order only had 3 grams of sugar - so not bad.  We also got cups of their chowder and split a caesar salad.  For my entree, I had the chilean sea bass, asparagus, and sauteed garbanzo beans.  Everything was good, except the garbanzo beans - it's much better as hummus!  I was hubby's designated driver!  I'm not much of a drinker, though I do like the occasional glass of red wine.

In any event, I'm interested to see what the scale indicates tomorrow.  My body feels fine - not retaining water or anything, but there seems to be a pattern of the scale going up when I eat out.

I hope I'm able to head this migraine off at the pass, but I'm not sure.  I'm off to bed.

Thursday, January 23, 2014

Feeling Overwhelmed but still DETERMINED I am...Feeling overwhelmed but still determined.

It's been a long day.  I received a text message at 4:30 this morning and I've been awake ever since.

Let me start with the good:

1.  I got my nails done - a clear (the color is 'beau') gel manicure.  I love it - they look so fresh and clean.

2.  I feel like I did well with eating today.  Here's my stats for the day:

  • Fat:  94.27 g
  • Fiber:  13.9 g
  • Sugar:  8.64 g
  • Net Carbs:  18.68 g
  • Protein:  122.65 
  • Calories:  1427
I had my requisite strawberry smoothie for breakfast, about a 1/4 cup of almonds as a snack, a big ol' salad with real chicken breast, fresh mozzarella, and about 1.5 oz of herbed oil for lunch.  For dinner, I weighed my food - 5 oz of tilapia and 2.9 oz green beans.  As for the calories, I'm not particularly watching them.  If anything, I think I should have had another 100-200 calories

I want to get the fiber up to about 30 g per day.  I also remembered to take my Vitamin D prescription!  However, I forgot to wear my pedometer.

Now for the not so good.  I don't know if it's particularly bad, but it's an emotional negative.

When I have conversations with myself, which I often do - I always have mental images of what I've looked like in the past and what I'd like to look like in the future.  The problem is I don't know what I look like now.  I look at other overweight women and wonder if I'm their size or bigger or smaller.  My husband is a dear about it all.  He never says I'm fat.  He just says that we both need to lose weight for our health and he's right.  He is a good man.  The negative me wonders how he can love someone as fat as me.  Another fucked up thought.

I've avoided photos over the last few years because I'm just too fat.  My daughter told me she didn't care what I looked like, she'd just like some photos of this time in our lives.  She loves to look at the history of our family.  As well, I really want to get a realistic grip of what I look like and move on.  --It's so stupid - I try to make myself invisible and hide my fatness.  How I begin to think I have any degree of success with is just crazy.--  To aid me in getting this grip, I put a big smile on my face, remembered my daughter's words, and have allowed pictures for the last 6 months or so.  I didn't die.

Most of the pictures are okay, but there's one that just stands out to me.  And it makes me so disappointed in myself.  I think this photo might be the tipping point for my new efforts.  I emotionally feel as bad as I look in that photo because of my weight and I don't want to feel like that anymore.

Thanksgiving 2013

To top it all off - I must have some sort of body dysmorphia in reverse.  I look in the mirror and think, 'Oh - you don't look so bad.  You look ok'.  And then I see pictures and it's WORSE than I thought.  This is part of the reason I don't trust myself.  There are some many emotional contradictions - sorting them out is gonna be a bitch.

When I look at that picture, I'm just so incredibly disappointed in myself.  In what frame of mind have I been in for the last 10 years that I've allowed me to do this to myself?  How did I justify my way into gaining this much weight?  Why didn't I stop it before it got to this point?  Why when I was just 30 or whatever lbs overweight did I not fix my issues then?

The other thing I get from that picture is:  NO MORE!  I'm the buck and I'm stopping it here.  I'm still not sure how I'm going to do it, but I truly feel I'm on my way.  The scale has gone down and I'm happy with that, but what I really want right is to STAY in control of this emotional roller coaster.  I think I'm starting to understand that this is not a diet, but the way I'll have to be forever.

One day I need to write down all the stuff of the last 10-11 years.

While I don't have a formal plan, I AM figuring it out.


Wednesday, January 22, 2014

Not Much Going On I am...

There's not much going on.

We were home with the weather again today - not that I'm complaining, but man - it's cold outside.

The scale was down a hair this morning.  That's reasonable - it was down a lot yesterday.

Didn't do much of anything really - did so work in the basement getting it organized since our daughter took a bunch of stuff when she moved.  Making plans for the Salvation Army to come pick up some stuff.  For my entire life, I've held on to stuff for far too long.  I always think that I'll use it or it will come in handy when I do this or that.  But I never use it and I never do this or that, so I'm getting rid of it!  I mean seriously, I've got more than 20 large bins on Christmas stuff.  I'm keeping the stuff I do use, putting the stuff I used in the recent past (like 2012-now) and giving the rest away.

Hubby made omelets for breakfast this morning - they were good, but I did kinda miss my smoothie! I had a bit of cappicola and mozzarella later in the day.  At dinner, we decided to get out of the house for a bit, so we went to a rib place down the road.  It was good.  I always get dry rub ribs and mac n'cheese.  I got the ribs tonight, but instead of the mac n'cheese I got the red beans without the rice.  Not too bad - I'm happy with it.

I also started taking a multivitamin today in addition to my thryoid and bp meds.  I don't need my body to be any more deficient than it already is.

I also paid particular attention to my liquid intake today.  I had two big cups of coffee (with heavy cream/stevia), a half gallon of unsweetened black currant tea, and about 24 oz water.  I think that's enough liquid.  I think I'm hydrated.

I can't believe I'm looking forward to getting back to work tomorrow - I'm a lover of time off!


Tuesday, January 21, 2014

Seeing some movement I am...seeing some movement on the scale.

Now to be fair, I weighed much later in the morning than I usually do because I slept late.  I woke up at 4:30 to use the bathroom and to see if we had to go to work today.  When I saw that work was closed, that alarm got turned off in a flash!

When I got up at 4:30, I weighed and the scale said something like 278.4, so even that is good; however, when I weighed when I got up for the day it was 277.8, so that's what I recorded.  Clearly, I'm happier with that number.  I have noticed though that there is about a pound difference in weight in the morning if I weigh about an hour or so after getting up to use the bathroom.  Interesting._

One thing I'm starting to understand is that in the past, I've rewarded myself with food and made excuses...(of course at the time, it was REASONABLE...but that's just my own delusional self!) to allow myself to wander from whatever the current effort at the time happened to be.  Of course, this "excuse" led to a total falling apart of my efforts.  How can I put this in words?

It's something like this:  I'm going to lose THIS weight THIS way THIS time, I am not going to wander off my effort.  Of course, things work quite well for a while.  But at some point, I rewarded myself because of my successful effort when I really hadn't done much more than lose a pound or two - perhaps all water weight.  It wasn't like I'd lost 60% or even 10% of what I needed to lose - more like 0.1%.  The reward led to a bigger reward and before ya know it, I've blown it.  Then of course, since I've blown it, I'm not successful, I'm a loser, and I need to be perfect to make this work.  Like a hamster on a wheel, this happens at least once, usually about 3 times a year.

Sounds pretty fucked up.  And I'm tired of being fucked up about my weight.

I just want to figure it out!  So yeah, I was happy about the scale this morning, but I was more mindful of not rewarding myself with food.  My reward is trying to be good to myself.  I plan to have my nails done on Friday night - regular manicures are going to be on my LMIP (Lucky Mama Improvement Plan).

Another thing that's starting to come into my mind is exercise.  I *hate* to exercise and I have damn near every type of exercise equipment known to man and just about as many videos/dvds.  I bought a fancy schmancy pedometer.  I think what I'm going to do is try for 5000 steps each day.  I've been averaging about 2700-3000 - I know - you should see the moss on my feet! - so I'm just going to try to increase it to 5000.  It's hard to believe that I was walking half-marathons just 3 years ago!  Truth to tell though is that my walking partner was a drill sergeant and never gave me any wiggle room.  He's moved away, so I'm on my own.

I would walk with hubby, but when he does something he doesn't build up to it.  He starts out at the top and just kills himself.  We are NOT compatible in that way. Olympics or anything...just walking 5000 steps a day.


Monday, January 20, 2014

A Lazy Day I am...having a lazy day.

The scale was back down to 280 this morning - glad it was down.  But I've been here repeatedly - I'd like to see 275 by the end of the month and it's not looking that way.  Maybe I'm looking at it the wrong way.  Anyway, that's what I'm working towards.

Neither hubby nor I had work today, so we slept in.  I woke up with a headache and neck pain, so I put a patch on my neck and took it easy most of the day.

Had a strawberry smoothie this morning and a piece of pork with guacamole at lunch.  Hubby thought it was a weird combination, but I liked it.  Hubby put a roast in the slow cooker this morning and let it cook all day.  When dinner was ready, I saw that he had also made biscuits and red mashed potatoes.  I was a little disheartened, even irritated that he cooked "white" food, but he's not the one on this road.  I didn't eat the biscuits and I actually measured a cup of mashed potatoes.  We'll see how this plays out tomorrow.  It was basically the only substantial amount of carbs I had today.

There's a big storm coming our way this evening.  I don't know if we'll have work tomorrow.  It would be nice to stay home another day..

Before today, I'd never heard of "resistant starch"; but I heard it mentioned twice today.  One was from Authority Nutrition and the other was Dr. Oz when I was channel surfing.  I'm not a big fan of Oz - I find his show to be a bit silly.  I need to read up and see what it's all about.


Sunday, January 19, 2014

I Knew it was Going to Happen I am...I knew it was going to happen.

I knew last night that the scale would be up this morning...and it was...3 pounds.  I know most of it is water weight...I mean...How can you gain 3 pounds in one day?  I guess you could, but it would be pretty damn hard.

When I woke up this morning, I felt it in my hands and feet and I had a headache - almost like a hangover.

But I am frustrated.  I listed my starting weight as 285 - it's probably closer to the 289 number of the previous, but who knows.  In a 2 weeks, I'm down less than 2 pounds...and I'm hung up on it today.  I will never get the weight off at this rate.  I've just got to stick with it.  The other thing that irritates me is that I don't have a thyroid and due to thyroid cancer, I stay hyperthyroid, so I should be thin.  What the hell is up with that?!?!?!?!

Over the last two weeks, I've been good.  Last evening was the only 'setback' and it wasn't horrendous.  In trying to find an "excuse" for this, I wonder if eating out so much has a big impact on my efforts - even though I make good decisions when I do eat out.

I'm going to make a big effort this week to eat at home.  Perhaps this will help.  Besides, it will save money too!  Since I'm going to eat at home, I'm also going to more accurately track what I'm eating - I've been tracking, but it's been spotty - more as a check to make sure I'm maintaining the low sugar intake.

For breakfast this morning...late morning, I had an omelette with bacon, onions, mushrooms, and some cheese.  Low carb, no sugar.  I also had some coffee with cream - perhaps a tsp...and yes, it's a real tsp.

When I got hungry this afternoon, I made blueberry smoothie with my normal ingredients, except the blueberries replaced the strawberries.  The blueberries were whole blueberries with nothing else in it.  So there's some sugar from the blueberries, but it's not added sugar.  I also had 4 little mozzarella balls in herbed olive oil.

Late at night I am....Late at night.

It's late Saturday night....rather early Sunday morning....and I'm exhausted.  I haven't written anything down in a few days because my time has just gotten away from me.  But I've missed writing down the crap in my head - I'm starting to think the writing may be helping me a little bit. 

The scale isn't budging and this is supremely frustrating, but I can't throw in the towel.  I constantly have to remind myself that it isn't ALL about the weight - it's about ALL of me.  I don't think I treat myself very well - at least inside my head.  And like many women, I often put myself last.  I don't begrudge it at all, but I'm gonna try to start being nice to me.

So this is pretty stupid, but it's something to me.  I have the driest...dryest....really dry skin, but I've just never done anything about it - always in a hurry.  For the last week, I've been making sure that I put lotion on all over.  It's making a difference and I'm really enjoying the way my skin feels.

Another thing I've been doing is making sure I put on a little bit of makeup each day.  By makeup I mean, I'm wearing a nicely tinted moisturizer (which I'm loving), some eyebrows (because mine are nonexistent), and some lipstick.  After getting ready this morning for our weekly Costco run, I went downstairs and I actually felt attractive.  I told hubby that I felt "kinda pretty" today.  He replied, "You are pretty."  That man - he's such a dear.

Perhaps one day, I'll put on some mascara.  I'm such an eye-rubber, I'd smear it all over my eyes and forget I was wearing it!

It seems that we are forever eating out.  With just the two of us home and the hours we end up working, it's just easier than cooking at home - mostly because we're too tired to cook and then clean up the mess.  We've gotta figure something out.  I make good choices when we go out - okay - I did have a glass of red wine with hubby at dinner Friday evening, but it was salad, spinach, and pork for the meal.

We did our Costco run today.  Hubby wanted to try the new brisket sandwich with cole slaw, so we ate there.  While he found us a table, I stood in line and argued with myself the whole time.  'Go ahead and get the hot dog and just not eat the bun'.  Is that not just so much bullshit?  Or, 'The sausage sandwich is meatier and more satisfying, just don't eat the bun'.  Again..I'm calling bs on myself.  It's like this insane inner fight with a crazy person!  In the end, I got the chicken caesar with no croutons, so I was pleased with that.

But for the screw up of the week:  Dinner this evening.  We have an elderly friend - bigT.  He's 86 years old and only has a nephew living close.  bigT had a stroke 2 years ago that has been quite debilitating to his speech, his health, and needless to say, his lifestyle.  I get him one day on the weekend and he spends the day with us.  Before his stroke, he went to the horse races every week in the summer time.  As a treat, we went to the races tonight.  Well - along with the races came an epic buffet.

I was not good.

On the plus side, the first thing on my plate (both trips) was steamed squash and zuchinni.  There was also some prime rib and some turkey.

On the bad side, there was fried chicken, bread pudding, and dark chocolate brownies.

There's no doubt that in my heiferness, I overate.  Fried chicken is my downfall and I had 2 wings and a half-breast.  On the good side of the bad side I had a bite...honestly, a bite...of the bread pudding and only one brownie and they're not big brownie like you bake at home.  I passed up everything else on the buffet.

While I was eating the second plate of food, I realize that I really was full.  I took one more bite and thought, "Why the hell are you doing this to yourself.  You're full.  Stop eating!"  And I did.  Small victory.  I've got to pay attention to what the brain part of me is saying, to what my body is saying.  The emotional part of me will screw me over every time!

The scale will be up tomorrow and while I'm prepared for it right now and know objectively that the scale will be up, I won't be tomorrow after I weigh.

That bridge is tomorrow.  For now, it's after 1:30 am and time for bed!


Wednesday, January 15, 2014

Feeling Yucky I am....feeling yucky.

I think it's close to that TIME.  My tummy hurts and I just don't want to do anything.

Had some international visitors at work today and had to take them to lunch in the cafeteria.  Quite successful - there were lots of veggies and I got some pork.  One thing I noticed at lunch though was that the squash seemed sweet, but I'm sure there wasn't any added sugar.  I noticed something similar the other day when I had a Diet Coke - it was incredibly sweet.  In looking at my intake, I've had less than 25 grams of sugar a day for the last 5-6 days.  Perhaps the reduction in added sugar and other carbs has increased my sense of sweetness or something.  I dunno.

With the kids gone, hubby and I are settling back into a routine.  Hubby never watches television, but for some reason, The Blacklist caught his eye.  So we started watching it tonight from the beginning.  Wow - it's a great show.  We'll watch an episode a night until we catch up.

With the way my body feels right now, I'm sure the scale will be up tomorrow, but that's biology, not my diet.  I remember way back in the day when I was going to Weight Watchers.  One week I gained 8.75 lbs; the next week I lost 10.5 lbs.  Clearly, I'm a water retainer!

Note to self:  Don't beat me up tomorrow!


Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Plugging along I am....plugging along.

It's been a long day - 2 long meetings - and I'm not fond of meetings.

The scale was down this morning.  I was happy, but not elated.  Felt realistic about it.

After the first meeting this morning, I was talking with a fellow.  As we sat in the window sill and talked about his upcoming trip, my mind wandered and I had the strangest thought.  Basically, it was that I've done well and I look *good*, so surely I was in control and didn't need to worry about this stuff.  I mean...really?   Where the hell in my brain do these thoughts hide?  What is THAT chemistry?  In any event, I realized that while I've done just fine SO FAR - this is only the beginning and I've got a long row to hoe!  Sitting in that window sill, I am not a 165 pound woman in control; rather, I'm a 280 pound woman who is struggling to get her ducks in a row.

I'm a bit surprised that I haven't had any weird, extreme emotions.  Really - all I want to do is hang on and get this weight off and get in shape for the rest of my life.  I want to be as spry and active until the day I die  At the rate I was going, it wasn't going to happen.

Wow - I just read the number I wrote.  280 pounds.  That is a large number.  Somehow I lost total control.   It's going to be such a long road and while I'm motivated right now - I don't know if I can maintain it or even HOW to maintain the motivation.  That stupid, silly, destructive inner voice is hiding right now, but I'm sure it's not too far away. I have been trying to have a "bigger" picture look at the whole process - perhaps that will keep me from totally fixating on the number on the scale. 

I was thinking tonight that one benefit of losing this weight will be the fact that my lower back won't hurt so bad anymore.  I have some stenosis throughout my spine and I'm sure it's exacerbated by the weight.  Let me tell me - I am looking forward to that pain subsiding.  It woke me up at 4 am this morning and I had to get up and take some Aleve.  This is not how I want to live my life.


Monday, January 13, 2014

Getting Settled I am...getting settled.

It's been about 10 days or so since I started the journey....again.  And I'll say the same thing I've said every time I've started down this road - this time I'm gonna do it.

This time though I think I really will do it.  When I got on the scale this morning and saw that the scale as back up, my first thought was not to give up, but to stay on this track for another week and see if anything changes.  Then, I'll mix it up.  I've never had that thought before - by this time, I'm usually falling of the wagon.  But even that's different this time - there's no wagon to all off on.  All I'm doing is trying to see how my body is responding to various things.  Having said that, don't think for a minute that I also didn't think, "awww shit!"

One thing I've noticed is that the swelling in my hands and feet is much, MUCH less than usual almost to the point of being non-existent.  That's a good thing.  As a result, I'm much more aware when I take in too much sodium because I can feel it in my hands and feet - but not to the extent as before.  Another thing I noticed is how sweet Diet Coke is.  I rarely drink it, but I had one this evening and it was incredibly sweet - much sweeter than I remember.  I'm so glad I made the switch to unsweetened tea - the taste is so much more refreshing.  And I do love to drink.  If it were alcohol, I'd be a drunk for sure!

I joined fatsecret today and started formally tracking my food to get an idea of my nutrition.  Now that's TWO things I've commited to - writing and documenting....hmmmm.  Anyway, today I had 2100 calories, which according to fatsecret, is sufficient for me to lose 1 lb/week.  While my goal isn't to keep track of calories, it's to eliminate processed sugar and carbs.  On those two counts, I had 16.40 g and 24.39 g, respectively.  Still a little higher than what I think is optimal for me, but I'm okay with it for right now.


Sunday, January 12, 2014

Keeping my word to myself I am...

Keeping my word to myself.

I made a commitment to myself to try and write down my thoughts on most days.  I didn't make it yesterday because we got home so late.

It's been a busy weekend - even though hubby and I slept quite late both days.

The gain on the scale yesterday morning was quite frustrating - and it really caused me to doubt myself and my efforts.  I need to remember that it's gonna happen for a variety of reasons and it shouldn't discourage me to giving up so easily!

One thing I've noticed since I started writing things down is how much we eat out - I truly do think it's been the family situation and the busyness of the season.

Last evening we took an elderly friend of ours to dinner.  I liked the restaurant a bunch.  They have several items that I really like.

One thing about me - I'm an appetizer girl...I just love them.  Anyway, my first thought when we sat down was, "Oh - we can get this crab dip appetizer - there's no sugar in it".  Then I thought, "Yeah, but I need chips and bread to eat the crab dip."  And THEN, I started justifying it to myself on why I *could* have that stupid appetizer - 'oh, you can have a treat', 'you can't deprive yourself all the time', etc.

I do this to myself ALL the time.  All of the statements I made to myself were true, but the fact of the matter is, I had a *treat* the night before of two beers.  I've really got to learn to not treat myself all the time.

And no, I didn't order the appetizer.  I had a rotisserie chicken with spinach and green beans.  A house salad was supposed to come with it, but they were so late with it that I just brought it home.

In any event, I've really got to work on a bunch of stuff.  As a result of last night, thoughts of moderation versus deprivation popped in to my head today.  I know I can have treats every once in a while, but ALL of them have to count.  I think this will be a very difficult thing to keep under control.  It's almost like a drug addict - I'm not sure that I will be able to have some of these "treats" for a while because they really do lead me down the wrong path a lot of the time.  As a result of that, it seems that I'll be deprived of these foods.

But really - am I deprived?  No, in the end it is my choice.  I just have to stand firm in my resolve as often as possible.

So today, hubby and I finally went to Costco.  Usually we get lunch there because it's so cheap.  Today I made sure I had something to eat before we left and I drank a bunch of tea on the way.  It's not that I feel like I MUST eat when I go to Costco, just a little habit I needed to change.

One thing I did at Costco was go through all their grains.  Seems all the rices, quinoas, and other similar grains have about 30-35 grams of carbs, 2-4 grams of fat, about 1 g of fiber, and 4-7 grams of protein.  It just doesn't seem worthwhile to me to have that many useless carbs.  Anyway.

For dinner, we had the salad we brought home last night and hubby made some of the boneless tenderloin chops we bought from Costco.  Of course,  I had my usual walnuts later.

I've got the romaine all ready to make lunches for tomorrow.  Some grilled chicken and artichokes and we'll be set.

I hope the scale is down tomorrow.


Friday, January 10, 2014

Whew - Ending and Beginning I am..I feel like I'm at an ending and a beginning.

It's late, I'm tired.

The scale was up - quite disappointing.

Celebrated a co-worker's birthday.  I had combo fajitas with no bread - yeah me  But there was msg or something.  I could feel it in my hands and feet almost as soon as I ate it.

Hubby arrived home safely.  Dinner was a Cobb salad with no croutons and spinach stuff mushrooms at BJs.  The downfall was 2 PM Porters.  I'll pay tomorrow I'm sure!

With hubby home, I feel like a bridge in my life has been crossed.  He has been helping our daughter move and I've been spending time with our son over his holiday break.  DS won't be home over spring break b/c he's working with Habitat for Humanity.  I'm so incredibly proud of both of them.  Responsible, caring adults!  As they make their way, they'll depend on me less.  It's what we've been working toward since the day they were born, but oh how I will miss it - they don't need my guiding hand.  My children are paving their way; my road has already been paved.   Such an odd feeling.

Thursday, January 9, 2014

At the End of a Long Day I am...At the end of a long day.

Boy - this day was long and I am tired!

The day started off good - down 0.4 from the day before (which had been up).  After seeing how my eating had been this week, I started off the day with the idea of having a more balanced day foodwise.

I had a  protein smoothie for breakfast this morning - same as yesterday.  I'm really liking the consistency of it - I think I've finally found the right balance to make it thick and icy without it getting stuck in the straw and sucking out all the water instead.

I went to lunch with a friend of mine.  There's a place called Moby's that my friend is just crazy about - it's our go-to place when we go to lunch.  Now this friend of mine is my height, but is at a good, health weight - she looks great.  Anyway, my friend always eats the same thing - a chicken kabob with salad - no rice.  The kabob usually has 6 pieces of chicken and weighs about 8 oz in all.  Of course, said friend only eats half of the dish and takes the rest home.  Today, I decided to eat exactly what and how she ate (I usually get two chicken kabobs and an order of dolmeh for myself).  To my surprise, I found that I was satisfied - I was no longer hungry and I wasn't stuff.  I was quite pleased with myself!

One other thing that I want to remember is that I've been eating a few walnuts at night before I go to bed - maybe half an ounce.

Later in the afternoon, I had some almonds.  Finally, at dinner, I had the leftovers from lunch and some of the leftover chicken/ribs from the bbq restaurant from Tuesday.

Hubby gets home tomorrow and I'm excited to see him - he went with our daughter to help her get settled in to her new apartment/job/city.  I was thinking today that perhaps he'll be able to tell that I've lost some weight - but he won't and it's silly of me to even think that he might.  I've got a lot of weight to lose before it's noticeable.  At this point, I'll take my jeans being baggier than usual at the end of the day.

I have a new item to help me - it's a pedometer that I can download to my computer and keep track of my steps.  As of right now, it says I have 4155 steps for the day.  I put it on before I went to work this morning, so it doesn't include that I did before I went to work.  Seems 10000 steps a day is the new buzz - I'm a long way from that, but I'll get back there.  I need to more accurately measure my stride length, but I can't find the tape measure.  Hubby will know where it is.

All in all - it was a good day.  I felt in control and motivated.


Wednesday, January 8, 2014

All by myself I am...All by myself and looking at the first increase on the scale.

That surely didn't take long.  The scale was up this morning albeit a hair - 0.2 lbs is really nothing to worry about at all.  But I have to say - and this is incredibly stupid - it affected my day.  And it shouldn't have.

I also took my son to the airport today so he can head back to school.  He's not coming home for spring break, so we probably won't see him until the summer.  He's a good kid and I'll miss him.  On top of that, our daughter just moved out of state for a job (she's a new college graduate).  It's all left me a little verklempt.

It seems to me that the number on the scale can hardly be considered a weight gain; hell, it's in the noise when you consider my overall weight and I probably fluctuate that much over the course of 2 hours.  BUT, it was the first weight of the day, so that's what I'm going with.  It could also be attributed to the dry rub that was on the ribs last night.  Since it was my son's last night home, he wanted ribs, so that's what we had.

Does this mean that my efforts are failing?  Of course not.  However, even though I know that intellectually, I have to be mindful that I don't let it subconsciously derail me.  I mean - I had 5 ribs last night with a salad on the side and no cornbread - not bad at all for eating out at a bbq restaurant by my estimation, quite reasonable even.  Also, am I going to go the rest of my life not eating ribs b/c of a bit of seasoning (which I do enjoy).  No, but I will be extra careful for the rest of the week.

Which leads to today...

For breakfast this morning, I had a protein shake.  My protein shake has a scoop of vanilla protein powder (I think it's Cytosport - really low carb), a cup of the unsweetened vanilla almond milk (which I just recently discovered!), strawberries (87 grams), a cup of ice, and a bit of water.  I mix that baby up in the blender and it's wonderful!  I really like it a lot!

Around noon, I had a roasted chicken thigh and then I went home to pick up my son to take him to the airport.  On the way home, I realized I was still hungry - tummy grumblings and everything.  Son said he wanted to go to Burger King.  Okay...I didn't know what I was gonna eat there...but that's where we went.

So we get there and I ordered the chicken strips thinking that I could remove the breading.  Well, I couldn't.  My son was quite sweet and offered to exchange his grilled chicken for the chicken strips.  So that's what we did!  And I was satisfied.  I really just couldn't bring myself to eat the strips with all that "white" stuff on it.

At the airport, the person at the airline asked if I would like to go to the gate with my son.  Of course, I accepted.  Turns out the plane was delayed, so we got to spend another 2 hours together.  It was quite nice, we chatted and just had a good time.  By the time his plane left though, I was starving again.  Seriously - my tummy was really grumbling.  So I stopped by Auntie Anne's and got a pretzel dog.  I ate the dog and had just a bit of the pretzel stuff itself.

Drove back towards home and got my nails done - they're so pretty!  The nail girl is so good and so blasted funny.  It doesn't matter what *I* want, it's what she thinks will look good - and she's always right!

So - I finally get home at 8:30 and have more of that roasted chicken and a few walnuts - I'm finally full I think...Or else too tired to eat anything more.

I've reviewed the last few days and I see that we've eaten out a lot - not balanced by any measure.  I don't think this is a sign of anything long term.  I think it's a sign of the horrible weather and being housebound for 5 days and then not going to the grocery store.  Hubby comes home on Friday night and he and I will be making a trek to Costco on Saturday morning.  I am ready to eat at home!


Tuesday, January 7, 2014

Posting in the Morning I am...Posting in the morning!

I stepped on the scale this morning and I passed a zero - going from the 280's to the 270's.  That's a good feeling to pass that zero.  Why it's not '5' or '2' - I don't know.

In looking at the numbers, the scale has dropped dramatically over the last few days - going from 285 to 279.4 in three days.  I know this is water weight particularly since I've basically been low-carbing it.  But it got me to much of this is true fat loss?

I always hear, 'you need to eat this many calories to lose weight', 'you need that many calories to lose weight'.  An endocrinologist told me (when I was a mere 255) that I needed to stick with 1000 calories a day to lose weight.  I had issues with this endocrinologist...but that's another story...

Anyway - if I were to focus on calories, which I'm not - how many would I need?  Well first, I wanted to find out how many calories I needed to maintain.  Several calorie counting calculators on various websites yielded the following:

Calorie King:  2250 - 2450 calories to maintain
Medical News:  2338
WebMD:  2331
Wikipedia:  2322, 2335 (original/revised Harris-Benedict for BMR); 1964 (Mifflin St. Jeor)

These calculations are based on your age, height, weight, and includes activity level - for me, that would be inactive, sedentary, whatever puts me at the lowest end of the activity scale barring being bed-ridden.

From this, it seems like weight loss should be an easy thing to do.  Calories in, calories out, right?  I'm not so sure.  I totally understand the laws of thermodynamics, but Authority Nutrition has an intriguing argument against the calories in, calories out.  The article is here.  Another interesting article about CICO is from a Scientific American blog by Rob Dunn.  It's here.

One thing I've tried to do the last couple of days is to be mindful of how much I'm eating.  I had lunch at McDonald's yesterday - some grilled chicken salad with half a package of dressing.  What I skipped this time were those chicken wings they have at the moment.  Lordie do I ever love me some chicken wings!  However, these are quite breaded and I'm sure they have a bunch o'carbs in them and I would have either the 5 or 10 piece.  Then at dinner last night, my son and I went to BWW - he's leaving for school in a few days - so he's making the rounds of restaurants around here.  Monday night is their boneless wing special and they're much cheaper than they normally are (and I am somewhat of a frugal person).  But again, there's breading (white stuff) on the boneless wings, so I got the traditional wings instead.  Instead of my usual 15-18, I had 10 wings with blue cheese and 2 boats of celery.  I also skipped the shareables!  Yeah me!

Was all this optimal?  No - not at all.  Was it an improvement?  Yes - I think so.  I minimized my carbs, I ate until I was full, and I didn't feel deprived.

At this point, I have no idea what the answer to my weight issues are, but I'm going to keep making the effort to make the changes I need to get this weight off and keep it off for the rest of my life.  I have this idea in my head of what I'd like the rest of my life to look like.  It's the getting from here to there that's going to be challenging.  The one thing I do know for sure, the rest of my life is going to happen, fat or not, healthy or not, happy or not - it's really up to me.


Monday, January 6, 2014

3 Days in a Row! I am...3 days in a row!

The weather here is damn COLD!  Whew!!!

So today's been a good day and my first day back to work after the holidays.

My posted weight is my first weight of the morning.  It was down this morning...and then down yet another pound when I weighed again a while later, bu when I stepped on the scale the third time, it was back to my original morning weight.  I think I was expecting the scale to drop 10 or 15 lbs at least.

What I had planned to eat today and what I ended up eating were two totally different things, except for the nuts - I had nuts, but they were walnuts instead of almonds.  Oh well.  I had a bacon ranch salad with grilled chicken from McDonald's with half a ranch dressing pack; for dinner, I had 10 wings from BWW.  We had a late party at work today.  I made sure I ate my lunch so that I wouldn't be too tempted.   Everyone brought junk.  I had forgotten about it, so I didn't take anything.  It was a bit funny - to a man, each man brought chips!  There was almost every kind of chip imaginable.  There were also brownies, cheese balls, pigs in a blanket, and veggies.  Before I walked in I steeled myself against what I was gonna see.  I had several celery sticks and one dip in the cheese ball.  There was pineapple or something in the cheese ball, so that was enough for me.  Don't get me wrong, I like pineapple, but not in a cheeseball.

I felt pretty good today; however, I was talking with a friend at work - a friend that I can really talk to - anyway, during the conversation, I heard a lot of negative talk from myself about myself.  When I realized what I was saying, I immediately stopped and told my friend to beat the hell outta me the next time she heard it.

Yannow one thing I'd like to see?  My kneecaps.  My kneecaps are just a blobby mass - I'm eager to see them again.


Sunday, January 5, 2014

The Second Day of Forever I am again....the second day of forever...and it's been okay.

I've been in a good, motivated mood all day even though we have horrendous weather outside.  I've not left the house since Thursday.  I've done a lot of reading - some of it great stuff, some of it total bs as far as diet and nutrition goes.  I have to say that I'm not necessarily a big believer in the mainstream nutritional guidelines.  As a country, we've gotten fatter and less healthy though some say that trend is reversing; but I don't think it has anything to do with the mainstream guidelines.

But who am I to criticize?  I surely don't live in a glass house!

I made a mental list today of my personal nutritional guidelines.  I've made mental lists in the past, but I keep hearing that you increase your chance of success if you write it down - I'm assuming that typing it down counts as well.  Self - remember them!

  • I am not going to count calories.
  • I am not going to eat 'white' food - no bread, added sugar, or even potatoes.
  • All proteins are a 'go'.
  • I'll limit legumes, but all other veggies are a 'go'.
  • Yeah - I'm not gonna be eating a lot of fruit either - perhaps a serving of frozen strawberries in my protein shake in the morning.
  • I'm going to eat until I'm full and stop - I'm going to TRY to stop.
  • I drink a ton of water and unsweetened tea, but I'll make sure to continue.
  • I'll eat when I'm hungry - is that 3 meals a day with 2 snacks or is it grazing throughout the day?  I dunno - probably a combination of the two depending on the day.
  • I'm on the fence about dairy - I'm not a big milk drinker, but I do like a bit of half and half in my coffee in the mornings.  I do like cheese, but for the time being, I think I'm going to avoid it for now.  I'll try it later and see if I have any issues.
So - those are the food nutrition guidelines.  What about my emotional nutrition guidelines?
  • I'm going to attempt to remain accountable to myself each day by at least making some notation on how I'm feeling.
  • I'm not going to beat myself up when I screw up.
  • I'm going to read positive stories of other successes - not necessarily weight-related.
  • I know there's a lot of back and forth on it, but I'm going to weigh every day at various times.  I'm smart enough to know that my weight fluctuates during the day.  I just want to see the conditions of those fluctuations - perhaps it's the scientist in me.
On the weighing every day:  I realized that when I've fallen off the wagon in the past, I didn't weigh because I knew it was going to go up.  I beat myself up before I even got on the scale and gave up.  I'm gonna wear my big girl panties now and weigh if/when I fall off the wagon.

The scale was down several pounds this morning, but I know that's just water weight.  No matter - I'll take it!  Another big positive is my ankles - they're ANKLES!  Before, my ankles had ankles who then had cankles.  I swear, my ankles were as round as my shins - okay - not that round, but it felt that way. 

Tomorrow is my first day back to work after the holidays.  I plan to take a bunch of almonds for snacking when needed.  Lunch is either going to be tuna salad or chicken strips.  There are no fresh veggies cuz we've been stuck in the house.  Today I had 6 oz of lean ground beef with mushrooms/onions for brunch and I had about 7 oz ribeye for dinner with a few green beans.  I'm so ready for a trip to Costco.

I'd like to get my nails done.  The lady that does my gel manicure is the best!  I feel like I have beautiful hands afterward.  I think I'm going to get manicures on a regular basis so that I'll have something to make me feel good.  Ok - that sounded pathetic.  I don't mean it like that, but I'm not pretty or attractive or anything - I'm a moose.  Yeah, yeah, yeah - I'm a good person, beautiful on the inside, but right now, that's all blah, blah, blah.  I want to feel/look pretty on the outside.


Saturday, January 4, 2014 I am I am.

On January 5, 2013, I took pictures of myself with the intention of using those as my 'before' pictures when I finally got rid of this barn of an ass.  Here it is, January 4, 2014 and I think the pics from last year need to be considered as my 'before 'before'' pictures.  I'm within 5 lbs of those pics I think, but it seems to me that my body looks different - like I crossed some threshold of fatness.  There's been a lot of starts and stops, but no progress.  It's no one's fault but my own.  Why does something with such temporary satisfaction -food- have such a hold over me?  Maybe I'm crazy.

I've read of folks being so overweight that they have a difficult time tying their shoes.  Well - I couldn't EVER possibly get THAT fat.  Well - guess again.  My knees hurt when I get up or walk up the stairs and I feel much more clumsy when I walk up the stairs.

But I'm just sick of all this.  I'm sick of feeling embarassed by myself.  I'm sick of not having any energy.  I'm sick of not being able to wear pretty clothes.  Maybe it's me, but it seems that most of the clothing I find for big women has flower patterns.  What's up with THAT?  How many times have I been told that I'm not fat, I'm just big-boned.  Are these folks fecking blind????  Unless I'm 7'2", which I'm not, I'm fat - morbidly fat.

I recently got a promotion at work - I'm really excited about the opportunity.  Anyway, my boss and I have bi-weekly meetings just to see how things are progressing - he's hands off, but helpful.  This boss is fit - he eats healthy, exercises regularly, and maintains a healthy lifestyle.  In any event, I went to his office for one of our meetings and when I sat in the chair, something gave way.  I didn't fall or anything, but he and I both clearly heard a cracking sound.  I was so embarassed, I didn't know what to do, so I made a joke of it - isn't that what all fat people do?  Am I a stereotype or what???  The boss surely didn't know what to say, so he didn't say anything.  At our next meeting, I noticed that he was sitting in that chair before I had the opportunity to fully break it!

I've used about every excuse in the book.  Maybe writing my thoughts/feelings down will help me overcome these excuses.

How am I going to lose this weight?  At this point, I don't know.  I would have thought with all the plans I've tried, I'd be where I'm supposed to be by now. I've looked/tried a lot of different plans - Weight Watchers (Lifetime member I am), Nutrisystem, South Beach, Atkins, etc.  I think all these plans can lead to success, but there's something missing for me.  When I hit a plateau, I'm done.

One thing I do know is that 'white' food has to go.  I can feel/tell an immediate difference when I eat sugar.  I just got some information from a friend of mine who swears by Paleo.  He didn't have any weight issues, but some other health issues/allergies that were relieved by going Paleo.  He also says his wife was able to successfully about to get the baby weight off with relative ease.

I don't keep a lot of junk in the house, but DH loves chips and various dips, so that stuff is around.  I don't drink soda often, but when I do, it's diet.  My drink of choice is unsweetened tea or water.  There's something about it that I just really like.  I also drink coffee - 2-3 cups a day with half and half.  While I may need to give it up in the future, at this point I'm not sure how 2 T of half and half each day is gonna hurt me.  I'm also a fan of pure stevia - not truvia, but pure stevia.

So - what am I going to commit to or change over the next few days?  Well..

  • Mindful of everything I eat
  • No added sugar
  • Breathe, stay calm, and don't beat myself up.
  • Don't give up before I even get started.