Thursday, January 23, 2014

Feeling Overwhelmed but still DETERMINED I am...Feeling overwhelmed but still determined.

It's been a long day.  I received a text message at 4:30 this morning and I've been awake ever since.

Let me start with the good:

1.  I got my nails done - a clear (the color is 'beau') gel manicure.  I love it - they look so fresh and clean.

2.  I feel like I did well with eating today.  Here's my stats for the day:

  • Fat:  94.27 g
  • Fiber:  13.9 g
  • Sugar:  8.64 g
  • Net Carbs:  18.68 g
  • Protein:  122.65 
  • Calories:  1427
I had my requisite strawberry smoothie for breakfast, about a 1/4 cup of almonds as a snack, a big ol' salad with real chicken breast, fresh mozzarella, and about 1.5 oz of herbed oil for lunch.  For dinner, I weighed my food - 5 oz of tilapia and 2.9 oz green beans.  As for the calories, I'm not particularly watching them.  If anything, I think I should have had another 100-200 calories

I want to get the fiber up to about 30 g per day.  I also remembered to take my Vitamin D prescription!  However, I forgot to wear my pedometer.

Now for the not so good.  I don't know if it's particularly bad, but it's an emotional negative.

When I have conversations with myself, which I often do - I always have mental images of what I've looked like in the past and what I'd like to look like in the future.  The problem is I don't know what I look like now.  I look at other overweight women and wonder if I'm their size or bigger or smaller.  My husband is a dear about it all.  He never says I'm fat.  He just says that we both need to lose weight for our health and he's right.  He is a good man.  The negative me wonders how he can love someone as fat as me.  Another fucked up thought.

I've avoided photos over the last few years because I'm just too fat.  My daughter told me she didn't care what I looked like, she'd just like some photos of this time in our lives.  She loves to look at the history of our family.  As well, I really want to get a realistic grip of what I look like and move on.  --It's so stupid - I try to make myself invisible and hide my fatness.  How I begin to think I have any degree of success with is just crazy.--  To aid me in getting this grip, I put a big smile on my face, remembered my daughter's words, and have allowed pictures for the last 6 months or so.  I didn't die.

Most of the pictures are okay, but there's one that just stands out to me.  And it makes me so disappointed in myself.  I think this photo might be the tipping point for my new efforts.  I emotionally feel as bad as I look in that photo because of my weight and I don't want to feel like that anymore.

Thanksgiving 2013

To top it all off - I must have some sort of body dysmorphia in reverse.  I look in the mirror and think, 'Oh - you don't look so bad.  You look ok'.  And then I see pictures and it's WORSE than I thought.  This is part of the reason I don't trust myself.  There are some many emotional contradictions - sorting them out is gonna be a bitch.

When I look at that picture, I'm just so incredibly disappointed in myself.  In what frame of mind have I been in for the last 10 years that I've allowed me to do this to myself?  How did I justify my way into gaining this much weight?  Why didn't I stop it before it got to this point?  Why when I was just 30 or whatever lbs overweight did I not fix my issues then?

The other thing I get from that picture is:  NO MORE!  I'm the buck and I'm stopping it here.  I'm still not sure how I'm going to do it, but I truly feel I'm on my way.  The scale has gone down and I'm happy with that, but what I really want right is to STAY in control of this emotional roller coaster.  I think I'm starting to understand that this is not a diet, but the way I'll have to be forever.

One day I need to write down all the stuff of the last 10-11 years.

While I don't have a formal plan, I AM figuring it out.


1 comment:

  1. I have the same issues as you with photos. I absolutely hate to get my photo taken. I always think to myself, I'm not that big or I look okay on a daily basis or when looking in the mirror but when I see photos I'm like MY GOD I'M HUGE! My brain thinks of all sorts of crazy things. My fiance like your husband is loving and supportive, no matter my size but I feel like my weight is an issue even though he insists it's not. It might be all in my head but it might not be. I was thinner when we first got together and for years after that. Even though I had gained some weight over time, I was around 230 when our son was 3 years old and had got down to just over 200 that year. Then it slowly kept going up and up. For awhile I was around 250-255 but then it started going up again. I have been over 300 a few times which scared me honestly. Our 'physical' relationship isn't what it used to be and maybe it's just because we have been together so long and it's just dying down or maybe it is because of my weight and I just am not 'doing it' for him like I used to. That is how I feel, even though he insists it's just his 'sex drive' going down in his 'old age'. So I'm with ya girl. We all have those thoughts.


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