Tuesday, January 14, 2014

Plugging along

Well...here I am....plugging along.

It's been a long day - 2 long meetings - and I'm not fond of meetings.

The scale was down this morning.  I was happy, but not elated.  Felt realistic about it.

After the first meeting this morning, I was talking with a fellow.  As we sat in the window sill and talked about his upcoming trip, my mind wandered and I had the strangest thought.  Basically, it was that I've done well and I look *good*, so surely I was in control and didn't need to worry about this stuff.  I mean...really?   Where the hell in my brain do these thoughts hide?  What is THAT chemistry?  In any event, I realized that while I've done just fine SO FAR - this is only the beginning and I've got a long row to hoe!  Sitting in that window sill, I am not a 165 pound woman in control; rather, I'm a 280 pound woman who is struggling to get her ducks in a row.

I'm a bit surprised that I haven't had any weird, extreme emotions.  Really - all I want to do is hang on and get this weight off and get in shape for the rest of my life.  I want to be as spry and active until the day I die  At the rate I was going, it wasn't going to happen.

Wow - I just read the number I wrote.  280 pounds.  That is a large number.  Somehow I lost total control.   It's going to be such a long road and while I'm motivated right now - I don't know if I can maintain it or even HOW to maintain the motivation.  That stupid, silly, destructive inner voice is hiding right now, but I'm sure it's not too far away. I have been trying to have a "bigger" picture look at the whole process - perhaps that will keep me from totally fixating on the number on the scale. 

I was thinking tonight that one benefit of losing this weight will be the fact that my lower back won't hurt so bad anymore.  I have some stenosis throughout my spine and I'm sure it's exacerbated by the weight.  Let me tell me - I am looking forward to that pain subsiding.  It woke me up at 4 am this morning and I had to get up and take some Aleve.  This is not how I want to live my life.



  1. I am with you. I am at 275 pounds right now so pretty close to you. I have been higher in the past. I also have chronic back pain and am hoping the weight loss will help ease the pain. Seems we have a bit in common. I will be following your blog. Keep on keeping on.

    1. SkinnyMomma - I'm glad there's another one of me out there! Thanks for your kind comments - I really appreciate them.


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