Saturday, January 4, 2014 I am I am.

On January 5, 2013, I took pictures of myself with the intention of using those as my 'before' pictures when I finally got rid of this barn of an ass.  Here it is, January 4, 2014 and I think the pics from last year need to be considered as my 'before 'before'' pictures.  I'm within 5 lbs of those pics I think, but it seems to me that my body looks different - like I crossed some threshold of fatness.  There's been a lot of starts and stops, but no progress.  It's no one's fault but my own.  Why does something with such temporary satisfaction -food- have such a hold over me?  Maybe I'm crazy.

I've read of folks being so overweight that they have a difficult time tying their shoes.  Well - I couldn't EVER possibly get THAT fat.  Well - guess again.  My knees hurt when I get up or walk up the stairs and I feel much more clumsy when I walk up the stairs.

But I'm just sick of all this.  I'm sick of feeling embarassed by myself.  I'm sick of not having any energy.  I'm sick of not being able to wear pretty clothes.  Maybe it's me, but it seems that most of the clothing I find for big women has flower patterns.  What's up with THAT?  How many times have I been told that I'm not fat, I'm just big-boned.  Are these folks fecking blind????  Unless I'm 7'2", which I'm not, I'm fat - morbidly fat.

I recently got a promotion at work - I'm really excited about the opportunity.  Anyway, my boss and I have bi-weekly meetings just to see how things are progressing - he's hands off, but helpful.  This boss is fit - he eats healthy, exercises regularly, and maintains a healthy lifestyle.  In any event, I went to his office for one of our meetings and when I sat in the chair, something gave way.  I didn't fall or anything, but he and I both clearly heard a cracking sound.  I was so embarassed, I didn't know what to do, so I made a joke of it - isn't that what all fat people do?  Am I a stereotype or what???  The boss surely didn't know what to say, so he didn't say anything.  At our next meeting, I noticed that he was sitting in that chair before I had the opportunity to fully break it!

I've used about every excuse in the book.  Maybe writing my thoughts/feelings down will help me overcome these excuses.

How am I going to lose this weight?  At this point, I don't know.  I would have thought with all the plans I've tried, I'd be where I'm supposed to be by now. I've looked/tried a lot of different plans - Weight Watchers (Lifetime member I am), Nutrisystem, South Beach, Atkins, etc.  I think all these plans can lead to success, but there's something missing for me.  When I hit a plateau, I'm done.

One thing I do know is that 'white' food has to go.  I can feel/tell an immediate difference when I eat sugar.  I just got some information from a friend of mine who swears by Paleo.  He didn't have any weight issues, but some other health issues/allergies that were relieved by going Paleo.  He also says his wife was able to successfully about to get the baby weight off with relative ease.

I don't keep a lot of junk in the house, but DH loves chips and various dips, so that stuff is around.  I don't drink soda often, but when I do, it's diet.  My drink of choice is unsweetened tea or water.  There's something about it that I just really like.  I also drink coffee - 2-3 cups a day with half and half.  While I may need to give it up in the future, at this point I'm not sure how 2 T of half and half each day is gonna hurt me.  I'm also a fan of pure stevia - not truvia, but pure stevia.

So - what am I going to commit to or change over the next few days?  Well..

  • Mindful of everything I eat
  • No added sugar
  • Breathe, stay calm, and don't beat myself up.
  • Don't give up before I even get started.

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