Thursday, February 20, 2014

Emotional Rollercoaster I am...

on an emotional rollercoaster.

So...let's get right to the point.   The dermatologist thinks is squamous cell carcinoma.  She's not 100% positive and said, "It could be some weird, funky rosacea, but I don't think so."  She took a biopsy.  Have you ever had a biopsy on your nose....WITHOUT any numbing medication?  It hurts like a BITCH!  I actually asked about some numbing stuff and she said getting it was actually worse than the biopsy itself.  Well - I'm gonna have to take her word for that, but I'm not sold.  She also took something off my right arm as well that has come up in recent months.  She said the results should be back within a week and depending on the results, we'll make plans.  She recommended Mohs surgery and told me there was a Mohs surgeon in her office.

Okay, I was kinda expecting that and I think I'm fairly okay with it, but nevertheless, when I got back to work, I just sat in my car for about 20 minutes and had my own little pity party and cried.  It's just the whole ordeal of having to jump back on that cancer hamster wheel.  Regular doctor visits, heightened awareness, paranoia, blah, blah, blah.  This will make the third different cancer I've had and I guess I should say that at least they appear to be getting less life-threatening overall with each progressive cancer.  I had that thought and then a friend of mine said the same thing.

At work, EVERYONE asked about the bandage on my nose.  I told some folks; didn't tell others.  I don't know why.  Luckily, one of my folks wanted to discuss some experiments we're planning, so that took my mind off of everything.  Then hubby came down to my office to check on me; he had such a pained look in his face; it melted my heart.  I wouldn't let him go to the doctor or come to the car when I got back, so he was just waiting to SEE me.  I've got tears in my eyes now - even when he's been a shit, he's a dear, dear man. I always say...onward!

The scale was static this morning and I'm good with that.  A bit interesting...I think this may be the first time the scale has been the same over the course of two days.  One little tidbit....when I got home tonight, I weighed as I was changing clothes - 275.6 on the scale.

This morning was the usual smoothie - I am not getting tired of them at all!  They remind me of the chocolate milkshakes from Hardee's when I was a kid.  They don't make them like that anymore.

Lunch was a big success for me.  Hubby made salads this morning.  We had gotten into an argument, so he was trying to make peace!  That fella sure does know how to make an outstanding salad.

In the past, if I had gotten this sort of news, I would have taken it as an excuse to be gentle with myself and eat.  I'm proud of myself that I didn't do that this time.  I lost my shit in the car, then I got my shit together!  NO FOOD INVOLVED!  Now more than ever, I need to take care of my body.

Hubby cooked dinner tonight and it was outstanding!!  Bacon-wrapped pork, avocado, and fresh green beans and mushrooms.  It looked so good, I took a pic!  And it tasted better than it looked!!  He cooked the beans/mushrooms in a mixture coconut/avocado oil.  Yum!

Dinner tonight!  YUM!

Oh!  One great thing that happened today!  An old friend called me today - the one I used to work with that walked with me at lunch all the time!  It was so wonderful to hear from him!!  He's doing so well and he and his wife are trying to have a baby!!!  They are coming back to the area in April for a wedding, so we're gonna make plans to get together!!  Love those phone calls!!!!

In reflecting on the day, I would have to say it's been more good than bad.  While the news wasn't the best, it certainly wasn't the worst.  WIN!  I made some great food decisions today and didn't emotionally eat.  SUCCESS!!  I heard from a wonderful friend and had a great conversation.  AWESOME!

Perhaps something is finally sinking in...time will tell.



  1. That looks like something I would prepare and eat. Yum. Sorry to hear about your biopsy and hope everything is okay. Were you a big sunbather in your teens?

    1. DivaD - That dinner was delicious!! Hubby is a grand cook!

      I sunbathed in my teens, but I wasn't a dedicated sunbather or anything like that. I grew up on the coast, so we were often outside or at the beach in the summertime.

      Thanks for the good wishes.


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