...wondering what things look like through the eyes of others.
A new low!!! I stepped on the scale this morning and it was 268. I was pretty happy about it - I may just reach the goal of getting to 265 before the end of the month! That's two large losses over the last two days. I'm thinking the scale will be up tomorrow. It's all good.
I had an incredible dinner tonight - tacos without traditional shells, but with whole romaine leaves instead. Also, I grated the cheese very finely to increase the surface area, so it would have a stronger taste and go further - worked like a charm! It was so, so good - I felt like I was "cheating" or something. It was mmm mmmm mmm good!
|My yummy dinner!|
I'm sitting at work today and I start thinking about my daughter. She's had a tough time lately and I wish I could be there with her to just hold her and cuddle her. We talk several times a day and Skype almost every day, but I'd still like to soothe her, rub her hair, and just let her talk.
It led me to thinking about the picture she gave me for Christmas and how much she loved the picture, just wanted to have a picture of us together, and how much it meant to her.
Next thing I knew, emotions were crashing around me and I was crying in my office - to the point I had to shut the door. It took me a few minutes to get my shit together.
I've had it so wrong for so long. I've just wasted so much time on stupid shit that in the end just doesn't matter at all.
Those who love me don't look at me with judgmental eyes. They look at me through our history together. They look at me as wife, mom, daughter, sister, friend. They think of me as loving, funny, caring, loyal, silly, hopefully intelligent, sometimes bitchy, periodically cranky, and a tad crazy. These are very GOOD things.
They don't think of me as fat. Their feelings for me aren't defined by my weight; they're defined by our relationship and our feelings for each other. Hell, I'm crying now just writing this.
For some reason, this is just so overwhelming and I don't know why. Fuck - I'm 52 years old and I JUST NOW realized that I am not my fat or my weight.
I'm much, much more than that.
Like Stuart Smalley in the SNL skits, "...I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and dog-gone-it, people like me." Or Sally Field at the Academy Awards, "...you like me, you really like me!"
In light of that, I feel like I've been released from some sort of chain and I don't have to hide - like I ever really was - since I'm out there anyway. Like what the hell is up with me now showing my face. Really why do I give a rat's ass if someone were to see my picture?
So in light of this, here's a few pictures of me with the important folks in my life:
|This is the picture that started it all. My daughter gave me a framed copy for Christmas. The frame said, "No one loves me like my mom." After this picture was taken, I started lightening up a bit about the camera.|
|This is my mom and me. One of the few we have. The last one was at least 7 years ago. I originally blacked out our faces so we couldn't be identified. I don't know what I was hiding.|
|My seester and me. She really is THE best sister ever - we've always been there for each other. We took the picture to embarass her teenage daughter. Seriously, there's nothing wrong with kissing girls - even if you're a girl!|
So there I am. I see all these pictures now and I really do see them differently today than I did yesterday.
I'm gonna repost my progress photos avec tete! But not tonight.