Wednesday, April 30, 2014

Random Thoughts I am...

...thinking all sorts of random thoughts.

So...when I got up this morning, I went into the bathroom, said good morning to the scale, asked him how he was doing, if he'd had a good night, even if I could get him a cup of coffee?  Did my ass-kissing have any sway on the scale?????

NO!!!  He scoffed and laughed in my face and showed 260.0!!!  Bastard!!!

I showed the scale this picture and told him that tomorrow better be a better day if he knows what's good for him!

Anyway, what choice do I have but to be patient???

On another topic, the day's eating was a bit interesting for me.  Both hubster and I had to get our new driver's license today.  He HAD to get his, but mine isn't due for another few months, but it's such a PITA to go to the MVA that I figured I go with him and get it a few months early.

This meant that we got to sleep in a little late, which meant that we ate breakfast a little later.  Plus, instead of my usual smoothie, I had a repeat of last night's dinner - a cheese omelet along with a kiolbassa.  I was really satisfied afterward and had a feeling that it might last a good while.

After getting our licenses (boy do I have a lot of white hair - where did it come from????), we decided to get the emissions testing on the car since it was close by.  Then off to work we went.

We thought that we might go ahead and get lunch, but it was still a bit early for lunch and neither of us was hungry at all.  We decided that we'd go ahead to work and just take a late lunch.  Well, I had forgotten a meeting, so the late lunch ended up being an early dinner.  We went to the same restaurant we've been going to where I again got the salmon and asparagus.  Gotta say though, I sent the salmon back because they killed it twice.

On a side note, what the hell is it with the brownies lately???  The meeting I'd forgotten about was a relatively large gathering.  When I walked in, there were crackers, cheese, and...BROWNIES!!!  With LOTS of walnuts on them no less!  I went to the OTHER side of the room to minimize temptation.  So what happens?!?!?  A colleague sees me, grabs a brownie, and makes his way AROUND the room to come sit by me.  WTF?!?!?!?!  Really????  I would have liked a brownie, but then I saw that last huge spike on my weight graph in my mind.  After that, I just saw a bowl of sugar instead.

Now back to our regularly scheduled programming.  Later, when thinking about how I ate today meal-wise, I was really satisfied with just these two meals.  I wasn't hungry until we were at the restaurant, so the timing was right.  I dunno - I just LIKED IT. 

I'd like to figure out how to do this on a regular basis, but it may be difficult.  I usually have a protein smoothie in the morning, which does a great job of lasting me until 12:30-1 or so.  Breakfast this morning was quite robust - about 730 calories - but it took a bit longer to prepare.  I wouldn't mind foregoing the smoothie and eating later, but then I'd be eating at work.  That's okay, but I'm pretty busy at work.  Anyway - I gotta figure out some satisfying food options that would allow me to do this.  The whole switchup in the day's eating reminded me of Yum Yucky and her intermittent fasting.  She's had good results - but she's kinda like that doncha know.

The biggest thing about the day was on the way home.  It was really a cool feeling/realization.

I was driving and as we sat at a traffic light, I could feel that my tummy was full - not gorged, not uncomfortable, not stuffed - just full and satisfied.  The next thought was that my pants felt fine - they weren't uncomfortable, they weren't tight in the waist, and my belly wasn't hanging over the side.  I didn't feel the need to unfasten my pants or feel like I just wanted to go to sleep.  As a matter of fact, my pants felt the same way they'd felt all day.   This really is a brand new realization - it's kinda cool.

At times in the past, I've eaten WAY past the stage of being full.  I can remember thinking that I didn't really have pants to go out with because they would be too tight after I ate.  I've taken going out to eat to mean that I had to taste as much of the food to get my money's worth.  This usually meant ordering appetizers (sometimes more than one), entrees, and dessert.

In the past, eating out has been a big challenge for me.  I've changed my focus (and I hope permanently) to good food that is going to nourish me and keep me on track with my goal.  I think kicking the sugar has had a big impact on that because I generally don't feel so crazed about food.  That feeling of desperation, while still rearing its ugly head sometimes, is on the wan and maneuvering these things is easier.  Making good decisions, while sometimes hard to make, are becoming easier and a bit more of the norm.

These are very good things.


Tuesday, April 29, 2014

Tough Day...and Ribs I am...

...thinking about my day - it was tough.

I'm a bit bummed this evening about the day I had.  I had to relay some difficult news today and it's never fun.   I wish everything could be upbeat.

Aside from that downer, I made some good personal decisions today, so I'm happy about it, but I had to mull things over before I reached the decision.  Of course, it's about eating out!!!

This morning the scale was down to 260.2!!!  Seriously??  Why the hell couldn't that stupid scale just be that little bit lower to be in the 250's.  I did a little bathroom dance with the scale, but he was a stubborn scale and wouldn't budge!  The scale is male because a woman would be more understanding!  Plus, tomorrow is the last day of April and I really wanted to be in the 250's by the end of the month.  Keep your fingers crossed!  Hell, keep everything crossed!

As we're preparing breakfast and lunch this morning, hubster asks, "Are we going to get ribs tonight?"  Wait.   What????  I am 260.2 and you're asking me if I want to go eat out???!!!!

The women in my group took our admin out to lunch today since last week was so hectic.  There were plenty of suggestions, including some high end burger joints and wing places.  None of these would have been conducive to my meeting my monthly goal, so I suggested a restaurant across the street from work where I knew I wouldn't have difficulty making a good choice.  I ordered grilled salmon and asparagus - simple and good with no hidden additions...I don't think.  That was good.

The afternoon sucked.

On the way home, I was beat.  I asked hubster if we were going to eat ribs.  Now WHY did I do that?  The thing about it, I would have gone and I would have regretted it and I knew that when I said it.  Yet, I was willing to go anyway.   WTF is wrong with me?!?!?!?!?!?

Luckily, hubster said we were not going out because I *have* to be in the 250's tomorrow.  Hubster was determined for me in that instant without judging me.  Our daughter was on the phone with us and hubster told her about it.  SHE said that I didn't need to go out for ribs and that I needed to be strong.  It was two against one, but it was so clear they were on my side and just bolstering me in my weakness.  I love them.

It was exactly perfect the way they supported me in that instant.  It was light-hearted, yet addressed the immediate issue at the same time.  Then they dropped it.  And that was it.

I wish it was always so easy to get back on track to making a good decision.  Sometimes it's very difficult and such a struggle to make the right choice when it comes to food choices.  I'm satisfied, I have nothing to regret tonight, and I've done what I can do THIS DAY to have a positive outcome for tomorrow.  Don't get me wrong - I know it's my choices over the last few days, but they've been pretty decent choices as well.

I had some Texas kiolbassa and a little cheese omelet for dinner.  I'm good on sodium for the day at 2235 mg and sugar at 12.46 g.

I hope I reach my goal tomorrow!!!  Keep your fingers crossed for me!!!


Monday, April 28, 2014

The Stairs I am...

...thinking about the stairs and how much I really hate them.  Plus, Crabby talked in her blog today about new habits and mentioned stairs.  She's decided to take the stairs two at a time, while I've decided to just take the stairs.  I think she's doing it on purpose  ;-)

So, I made the commitment to take the stairs instead of the elevator when I'm in one office (3rd floor) and to walk from the parking lot when I'm in my other office (about 1/4 mile total from car to desk) - I used to get hubster to drop me off.

And I hate taking the stairs.  I always have.  And I particularly hate taking the stairs since I'm fat and out of shape.

But perhaps taking the stairs will help me be a little less fat and a little more in shape.  I have my doubts when I'm actually going UP the stairs.  I generally feel that I'm gonna die by the time I get to my floor.  When I'm going DOWN the stairs, I've got it covered!  Hell, I could walk DOWN the stairs all day long!  When I'm going down the stairs, I feel like my next step is the Olympics! 

So what happens the other day??

I'm walking into the building and a fellow is walking toward me and the door.  I'm praying that he takes the elevator and wondering what I'm gonna do if we meet at the stairwell door at the same time.  Is he taking the elevator???  NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO, he's taking the stairs.

Not only is he taking the stairs, the guy decides to be Mr. Chivalrous and opens the damn door and does a little bow as he waves me forward.

What do I do???  I'm cornered.  I mean, I don't want to go first and have this guy watching my fat ass looking like two cats fighting in a burlap sack as I lumber up the stairs!!  What if I fart??  And really, I can tell by the look of this fellow that he goes quickly up the stairs!  I'll be so slow and probably make him late for a meeting.  I mean, by the time I get to the top floor, it'll be time to go back down for lunch or something.

What if I go first and this guy starts talking to me??  He wouldn't be able to understand a word I say as I heave my ass up the stairs.  Hell man, after two steps, I'm outta breath!

So what do I do?

I looked at him and simply said, "I just started taking the stairs and I'm really slow, so you should go ahead."

We both went up the stairs with him ahead of me.  By the time, he exited the stairwell at the third floor, I was only halfway up.

And yannow what?  THAT'S FINE!!!  The point was that I took the stairs.

After I get up the stairs, I have to PRAY that I don't see anyone that will want to talk to me because I'm gasping for air.  Luckily, I didn't see anyone.

One day, I'll take the stairs as fast as that guy and I won't be breathing hard afterward.  That's my first stair goal.


Sunday, April 27, 2014

Maneuvering parties I am...

...thinking about how I maneuvered the party last night.

So, hubster and I went to a "social" last night at a co-worker's house.  The social was just a get-together since the group has a long-term "friend" who is visiting for a few weeks for a collaboration.

To back up a bit - I had some of that scrumptious bacon for breakfast yesterday.  I think I'm becoming addicted to the stuff.  But alas, that was the last of it.  That was about 9:30 am.

Hubster was flying home yesterday, so I just tooled around the house doing odds and ends.  Then about 1:30, I ate some leftover salmon - about 4 ounces.  Eating wasn't on my mind at all.

After hubster got home, we took a nap and then got ready for the party.  We stopped by the local liquor store and got some beer to take.  We also bought two 16 oz. diet sodas since I didn't know what the drink options were and I had already decided that I wasn't going to drink any alcohol.

As we drove to the party, I realized I was starving.  We didn't have time to stop to eat and I didn't know what food, if any, was going to be served.  I was in a bit of a food pickle.

Anyway, we get to the party and we're all outside hanging out around the pergola and gazebo.  I see someone with a plate of food that had cucumbers on it, so I wandered into the house.  The table was packed with food (I'm such a schmuck - I didn't take anything, but didn't know I needed to).  There was some turkey sausage with onions, vegetarian chili, cucumbers, carrots, homemade hummus, dumplings, and other stuff I can't remember.

I got three slices of the sausage (perhaps 2 oz), maybe a 1/4 cup of the chili, some of the cucumbers, and some hummus.  I *really* wanted to get some of the dumplings since they're my favorite Asian treat, but I knew I wouldn't stop with one.  Everything fit on the little cake plate with room to spare, so it wasn't a lot.  I had made up my mind that hubster and I would eat after the party, so I just needed something to stave off the hunger.

Since I know me and tables of food, I stayed outside the entire time we were there.  That was a good thing too.  After eating that little bit of food, I could feel my hands swelling up.  There was something with a lot of sodium in it.  I'm thinking it was the turkey sausage and/or hummus, but I'm not sure.

So later in the evening, what happens?  They bring ALL the desserts out to the table in the gazebo!!  WTF?!?!?!  Keep that shit in the house!  I'm outside because the food was inside!!!!  I don't want it around me.  But, of course, I don't say anything.  It seemed to me that there was a bakery on that stupid table, but the two things that stood out to me were the brownies and the baklava.  They were QUITE tempting and it was difficult to not just eat it.

Then I saw someone bring out MORE baklava and saw that it was from a box.  So, it didn't meet the DIP standard of eatability since it wasn't fresh, but processed.  I really did feel some measure of relief.   That left the brownies - I knew they were homemade and I do like the homemade ones.  I saw hubster eat one of the brownies, so I asked him if it was really good.  Now sometimes he'll lie and say something doesn't taste good, but when he told me 'no' this time, I knew he was telling the truth by the way he scrunched up his nose. brownie for me either.

After leaving the party, we went to a Peruvian restaurant for chicken.  I was SO hungry that I ordered half a chicken along with some green beans.  I didn't eat all the chicken and ended up bringing the breast home.

The scale was up this morning, which is frustrating.  I don't think I was off track such that the scale should have been up.  Having said that, I looked back at my sodium intake and it's been quite high the last few days.

In my craziness, I give the scale anthropomorphic qualities.  And I swear, it's trying to teach me patience.  Instead of the scale going down to get to the 250's, it's up!!!  DAMN SCALE!  The threats I've made against the scale haven't phased it a bit!  One day soon I hope!


Thursday, April 24, 2014

Bacon...YUM! I am...

...thinking about the bacon I just ate for dinner!

I posted a few days ago about visiting a nearby organic farm last Saturday.  We bought a bunch of stuff while we were there.  In particular, there was some *REALLY* thick sliced bacon that I just had to have.  Being that hubster is out of town, I had some of the bacon for dinner tonight (hubster doesn't seem the like the breakfast for dinner idea).

It was so freaking awesome!!!  I wish I had made more!!  But I didn't cuz it takes so blasted long to cook.  I put the bacon on the broiler pan and sprinkle a bunch of pepper on it and cook it at 350 for half an hour, flipping it halfway through and peppering that side as well.  Some leftover veggies and I was good to go.

So - can we guess what the scale said this morning considering that I was this ---->  <---- close to being below the zero??  It went up!!!  Damn!  Stupid scale.  It didn't go up much, but still.  I had a little talk with the scale and told it that there were newer versions available!

I weighed as I was changing clothes this evening, so I expect I'll be below the zero tomorrow.  But then again - I know my history with expecting anything!

I was asked today what I was doing to lose weight.  It's interesting since what I'm doing is all part of the DIP.  I wrote some things down, but then thought about it some more.  For me, the most basic tenet is truly eliminating sugar.  At this point, it mostly includes fruit as well.  Having said that, on most days, I do have between 0.5 - 0.75 cup fruit - usually strawberries, either fresh or frozen.  But that's it.

I do track my food, but it's not for a caloric purpose, but more as a check on the sugar and sodium.  But here are the current averages from my handy-dandy, dorky, AND nerdy excel spreadsheet.

Sodium [mg]:   2633 
Fat [g]:               128.4 g (63.3%)
Carbs [g]:             37.5 g (8.2%)
 -Fiber [g]:            10.7 g
 -Sugar [g]:           13.4 g
Protein [g]:         128.8 g (28.6%)
Calories:           1708

For me, this is easily doable.  I'm satisfied and satiated and don't feel the need to switch it up at the moment.  I had previously thought that I would look at the calories more closely and get them down to about 1400 so that I'd lose faster, but I found it a bit dissatisfying and I wasn't really comfortable.  So I'm gonna have to stick with slower loss with a sane outlook, rather than a faster loss with a sense of desperation.  Yannow?

That's it for tonight!  Wish me luck on the stupid scale tomorrow!!!


Wednesday, April 23, 2014

Zero I am...

...thinking about zero.

Specifically, the zero that comes at the end of 260.  The scale was at 260.6 today and I was pretty excited to see it.  Less than a pound and I'll be below the zero.  It seems that I've kinda broken this whole thing down into 5 lbs increments on the 0 and the 5.  Having said that, it seems that every time I expect/anticipate a loss, I get the exact opposite and the scale goes up.  Currently, I feel like I'm getting ready to start.  But these days, it seems I never know for sure.

Once I get below the zero, it'll be time to take progress photos again.  That's actually kinda exciting.  I was talking to hubster about it this morning and he actually discussed it with me instead of just listening.

I have to say that I appreciate the attention he's giving to my efforts.  In the past, he didn't pay so much attention and would prepare things that were really off-limits.  I guess the difference this time may be the fact that just because he prepared something that was off-limits didn't mean that I had to eat it!  Previously, something as simple as a dish prepared outside of what I allowed myself was enough to totally knock me off track.  He also says that he sees the difference in the way I react and interact, which I think has had made a difference in the way he reacts to me.

I think about my efforts often and there are several things that are satisfying and help me maintain my motivation.
  • When I stay below the trend line on my graph. 
  • When I dip below the next lower horizontal line on my graph.  
  • When I keep my sodium less than 2500 mg/day.
  • When I get to bed early
  • When I keep my sugar intake low - I'm talking total less than 25 g/day.
  • Recording my food intake.
  • Keeping my intake to 1700 calories or less.
Not succeeding in any one of these things doesn't ruin my day because there are other things on the list as well.

So - we bought fresh strawberries this weekend - they were BEAUTIFUL!  I had some in my smoothie this morning and it was outstanding!!!  I loved it!!  Then this evening for dinner, we had fresh green beans and asparagus and they were outstanding as well.

It's interesting because now that I've seriously reduced my sugar intake, the foods that do have sugar, such as the strawberries, taste extra sweet.  Interesting too is that the green beans tonight seemed to be a bit sweet.  My taste buds seem to be waking up and it is awesome!

That's all I've got on my mind today.  Oh, I read a great quote today:  Sweat is fat crying.  Isn't that great?!?!?!


Tuesday, April 22, 2014

The last few days I am...

...thinking about the last few days.

It seems like I've been going non-stop since Friday.

But first - how do you like my new background up there!?!?  They're from my front yard.  Tulips are my favorite.  Hubster was a dear and planted about 180 tulip bulbs along with 180 daffodil bulbs last year!

Now - on to my ramblings!

First, there was Bingo on Friday night.  I maneuvered that okay.

On Saturday, I picked up my 86 year old bff so that we could spend the day together.  It was a nice day and I had decided that I wanted to visit an organic farm that's really close to my house so we picked up hubby as well and off we went.

On the way there, my friend said he wanted to go to the races.  This is not something I planned on at all, but being the smart thinker I am (do we know how this is going to turn out?), I called the waiter to see if they had any tables.  Since it was Easter, the waiter said they were booked solid.  Whew!  Off the hook on that one!  But then, the waiter calls back and says there was a cancellation and that he'd booked us.  I couldn't disappoint my friend since he's no longer able to do things on his own and he's been going to these races for over 20 years.

I wasn't prepared for it at all food-wise.  The buffet line wasn't something I wanted to navigate at all.  I didn't do such a bad job, but it could have been better.  They have a huge buffet dessert selection, but I opted to get a simple, plain crepe with some dipped strawberries for dessert.

I realized though that I was really fixating on the food.  At one point, I looked at all the folks around and realized they were thinking about the races and not the food.  I knew I had to get out of the restaurant and recoup.  So hubby stayed with bff and I went and into the casino.  Does this mean I'd rather have a gambling problem than a food/weight problem?

Easter Day was quiet and just what we needed.

On Monday, some friends of ours came to town.  We knew the husband quite well, but it was the first time we'd been able to spend any time with the wife.  We feel like we've made a new friend.  She was wonderful and fit right in!  We worked a half-day and then met them at a local restaurant where I had salmon and asparagus.  We talked nonstop at lunch and then came home where we again talked nonstop until dinner.  We went to a steakhouse for dinner where I had steak and vegetables.  Food-wise I did great; calorie-wise I think I may have had too much.  But given that I'd eaten out for two meals yesterday, I was pleased the scale was down this morning, but not to a new low.  Actually - this is the first time this has happened.  The scale being down the morning after eating out the day before.  Perhaps the secret is to eat out TWO times in a day.


I found a mass in my abdomen on Saturday - it feels a little weird and a little elongated.  Given that I've had two different cancers, shit like that worries me and I turn into a little hypochondriac.  I called my doctor this morning and was able to get squeezed in.  The good news is that the doctor thinks the mass is just fat.  How is that not a surprise?  It's between my abdominal wall and my skin and she feels that it has a very low risk of being anything bad.  We've decided to wait a few months and revisit.  I trust her judgment, so I'm happy with our plan.

The EXCELLENT news is that my blood pressure was 118/70.  I was so shocked, I had the nurse take it again.  117/70.  YEAH ME!!  The doctor said to continue the meds until I feel the effects of the medicine.  The other good thing is that the scale showed a weight of 263, which is down 23 lbs from the 286 I was at my last appointment in April 2013.  That 263 was WITH clothes - no shoes!  Even better!  I also requested my height and it's 5'10".  I've always been that height but for some stupid reason, I was thinking I was 5'9".  I'm an idiot - what can I say?

Seeing that "official" difference in my weight somehow cemented my efforts even further and was just the shot in the arm I needed after the last few days of food.  My personal "official" difference is 27 lbs, but it could be as high as 40 because I think I may have even topped the 300 mark.  At that time though, I wouldn't weigh.  If I didn't weigh, it wasn't true.

The doctor and I had a big discussion about what I was doing to lose weight and she was good with all of it.  She even asked for a few specifics.  I wish everyone could have a doctor like her.

To sum it all up, on one hand, it's been a taxing few days food-wise.  The choices I made didn't help me lose weight, but they didn't help me gain weight either.  On the other hand, I had a great time with friends and I had my efforts affirmed and confirmed.

It's all good!


Saturday, April 19, 2014

Bingo! I am...

...thinking about what a great time I had at Bingo last night!

A friend of mine (hey friend!) organizes a bunch of her family and friends to go to Bingo about twice a year.  Most of the ladies are either family or long-time friends, so I'm happy to be included in the group.

This particular Bingo was being sponsored by the local volunteer fire department.  On the menu was fried chicken and roast beef with no mention of what else would be on the menu.  Anyway, this friend and I have been talking about how we were going to tackle the Bingo food.  Like me, she is figuring out what she needs to do to lose weight and live her life.

I'm not so sure it was what was on the menu that was the concern, but rather the snack food on the table later.  I brought pork rinds since they're no carb.  (On a side note, are pork rinds considered processed food??  The only ingredient in these was pork rinds.  Nothing else.  I dunno)  My friend brought celery and some beautiful strawberries.  A third friend brought some hummus, some popped, crunchy, tortilla-looking thingies (I don't know what they're called), and some mini chocolate-covered pretzels, but there's supposed to be something low-carb, low-calorie or something about the chocolate itself.

As for me, I had previously decided that depending on how the chicken was breaded, I was going to eat the chicken, possibly some roast beef, with the rest of the menu to be determined.  When I got there, I saw that the chicken was either very lightly floured or not floured at all (being raised in the south, I *know* chicken!), the roast beef was quite lean, and the rest of the offerings - sweet cole slaw, mashed potatoes, peas, and rolls - were going to be off-limits for me.

I got two medium-sized chicken thighs and about 3 ounces of the beef.  Fried chicken is one of my favorite foods, but I rarely eat it except for my mother's.  I don't want the mess in my kitchen and the national chains put too much crap in it.  I savored every bite of that chicken and was quite satisfied when I was finished.

Throughout the evening, I had some of the pork rinds with some hummus, three of the strawberries (they were big and delicious - I think I see what Gwen means), and one of the mini pretzels just to see what the chocolate was like.  Of all the table choices, the strawberries were the many different categories - choice, look, taste, etc.

At intermission, they described the desserts over the PA system.  They sounded sinfully delicious, so I thought it best to keep my ass planted in my chair.  As I stretched my legs during the break, I saw some of the desserts that folks were eating.  I'm not gonna lie - they looked quite good and I would have liked a piece, but not so much so that I had any.  Does that make sense?

The only blip on last night's screen was when I won some money.  I was passing the buffet line on the way back to the table.  By that time, they were close to the end and had started cooking wings just like they did the big pieces of chicken.  I took two of those little drumettes and ate them.

I wasn't hungry at all.  It looked good and it was there.  Was I rewarding myself because I had won some money?  Would the food during the after-aura of winning not have an effect on my nutrition?  I'm such a dum-bass.  It's not the end of the world, but it's something I need to be very mindful of.  I think it's that spur of the moment situation that has the potential to lead to the fall of the DIP* and start an avalanche that will be difficult to recover from...asshole (since I can't end a sentence with a preposition).


*DIP - Donna Improvement Program

Thursday, April 17, 2014

Another woman I am...

...thinking about another woman.   And no, hubster ain't having no affair!  ;-)

When I started writing this blog, I didn't know if anyone would read it or even how folks would know the blog even existed.  Imagine my surprise when a few weeks in I got a comment from another woman who was also writing about her weight loss efforts.

I was happy to have a 'friend' doing the same thing.  She made 12 posts throughout January and hasn't posted anything since.  I'd like to think that she's succeeding, but I'm fairly sure she gave up.  I hope she's not beating herself up about it.

On a related topic, I was an avid smoker for 28 years.  Gave it up cold turkey on 11/22/2002 - the Friday before Thanksgiving.  I haven't smoked since and have absolutely no desire to smoke at all.  Statistics (and we all know about statistics) say that 95% of folks who try to quit smoking cold turkey fail.  I knew that statistic and it was a motivator for me.  I was going to beat it.

When folks find out about that smoking history, they always ask how I was able to do it.  I tell them I kept quitting until I quit.  If I had never tried, I never would have succeeded.  I tell them to never stop trying - it'll take one day.  I put effort in each time I tried to quit, but that last time, I really, really
worked it.

I'm so incredibly thankful I didn't quit quitting.

So when I think about that woman, I also wonder where I would be now if I had given up in those early days of this new life.  I'd be heavier, unhappy, and less healthy.  My knees would hurt even more, my ankles would be swollen all the time, my skin would look like shit, and I'd be miserable.

What do I have instead?  Well - I'm down almost 30 lbs, my ankles are never swollen, my knees don't hurt as much or as often, my skin looks much better, and my mood is much better.  You can't make it unless you really, really work it.

What am I gonna feel like when I reach 175?  Hell - I'll probably dance a jig!!

I hope that woman doesn't quit quitting.

A nice thing for the day.  When hubby picked me up today, the first thing he said when I got in the car was, "Do yourself a favor and buy some pants!  Those are falling off.  You look like MC Hammer in those jeans."  What sweet, sweet words!!!!!


Wednesday, April 16, 2014

My reflection I am...

...thinking about my reflection.

So, there were a few good things that happened today.

First, the scale was down this morning, so I was happy to see that.  Perhaps it won't be long and I'll be in the 250's.  It's so weird to be looking forward to being in that decade.  I mean, what I'm doing is actually working!!!  Sometimes it's just amazing to me that it is.  Who knew I had it in me???

Second, my shirts and blouses are seriously getting too big!  When I walked downstairs this morning, I asked hubster about it.  He looked at the blouse I was wearing and said, "Yup - it's too big.  Time for new clothes."  Plus, my bras don't bite at all anymore.  Yeah me.

Third, I had a meeting six buildings over.  It was chilly this morning, so I wasn't so keen on walking over there outside.  But, I knew there was an underground tunnel that would get me there.  I asked a colleague and he told me how to get there via the tunnel.  He ended his directions with, "I'd just drive over if I were you."  Now, it doesn't take me much to pass up on exercise of any kind.  I was proud of myself that I walked over there...and I actually enjoyed it a bit.  Got to see a few new things that I hadn't seen before.  Old 1960's government buildings are interesting.

After the meeting, I was meeting a friend for lunch and she was going to pick me up from the meeting so that we'd save the time of me walking back to my building.  Since the meeting ended a little after noon, it had warmed up a little so I waited outside to get a bit of fresh air.  I walked up and down the sidewalk, looked at the trees, said hello to folks that passed by, etc.  On one of the pass-bys, I looked at the building and caught the reflection of someone I didn't know.

IT WAS ME!!!  Once I realized it was me, I just stared at my reflection.  I turned this way and that way, just as if the window reflection was a mirror.  Don't get me wrong, I'm still a big girl, but my overall profile is smaller.  Both my stomach and my ass are noticeably flatter.  After admiring myself for a bit, I felt proud of myself and more resolved to keep going.

Now about the food issue/trigger/whatever the hell it is.

At lunch, my friend and I went to a local Persian restaurant that serves fresh food.  She ordered a chicken kabob and salad, while I ordered a chicken kabob and sauteed spinach.  My friend received her order first, so she waited on me.  When they called my number, they had made tenderloin instead.  They realized the mistake and corrected the order.

When I received the corrected order, I saw that the amount of chicken I had was less than my friend.  I immediately felt irritated.  Now it had nothing to do with the money at all.  It had everything to do with the fact that I would not have as much to eat as my friend.  What the fuck is that all about?  I mean, there was enough chicken for lunch - I wouldn't go away hungry at all.  What is this deal of having to have my share???

This friend is a sweet, tall, beautiful, thin, red-head, and knows that I'm trying to lose weight.  I mentioned the discrepancy in the amount of chicken to her.  She looked at both plates and just kinda blew it off, "Ehh whatever".  I wish *I* had that reaction.

More to consider and think about.   I certainly don't know what the deal is, but I am more aware and more alert to these food "things".  But I'll get there.


Tuesday, April 15, 2014

Stupid weather!!!! I am...

...thinking about this stupid weather!!!

It's mid-April, tax day no less!  What the hell is up with this dreadful weather?!?!?!

Here in the DC metro area, it's supposed to dip down into the 20's tonight!!!  Hail???  Snow???  Seriously!?!??!  Granted it's the high 20's, but still!  I'm ready for buds on trees, flowers blooming, warm breezes, and everything else that spring brings!


So last night I posted about food triggers.  Gwen made some good comments that I've been thinking about for much of the day.  When I would eat like there's no tomorrow, it wouldn't be a particular food or a particular type of food, it was the feeling of being deprived that would trigger the eating.  It could be rice and beans, chicken, whatever.

I'm still trying to figure out if there are sugar triggers.  A year or so ago, I took a series of cake decorating classes.  We'd have to bake a cake and then take it to class to learn how to decorate it.  I threw all the cakes away because they were just TOO sweet.  Plus, I'm not keen on box cake.  I can take or leave chips with no problem.

If I stop and think about THE food that makes me just want to eat until I can eat no more, it would be my homemade macaroni and cheese.  BUT, hand to God, I have that exactly twice a year - Thanksgiving and Christmas.  So that's not it.

As for sugar itself, I think I used to have more sugar than I realized.  I can feel a marked difference in my mood and my level of calmness.  I'm much less likely to get mad and I've pretty much maintained an even keel.  Weird, but I think, I believe, it's the lack of sugar.  It could also be the lack of processed chemicals as well.  I'm sure the folks who work for me appreciate it.  Yeah me!

There are foods I like that I'm not currently eating that I will/may/probably/possibly eat in the future, but not now.  Basically, white foods.  This is to help me get this weight off.  Gwen's recent description of eating strawberries (I think it was strawberries) made me want to eat some fruit.  Let me say, I totally intend to add fruits back in at a higher quantity one day, I plan to stay away from processed foods for good and forever.

As for feeling deprived, I'm not sure where it comes from.  Like I said last night, I remember how irritated I felt when I was told I couldn't eat anymore.  Maybe that's it.

All I know is that I've got to figure out what it is that causes me to feel good about my choices sometimes, but feel terrible about those same choices at other times.  Is it a lack of will that I need to strengthen, a weakness or something?

I have to figure this out because I have no intention AT ALL of losing this weight and then gaining it back because I haven't got my shit together.  I'm not sure at all that I could do it a second time.  I know some have done it - they're much stronger than I could ever be.


Monday, April 14, 2014

Food Triggers I am...

...thinking about food triggers.

A few days ago, I read several blogs in a row (or so it seemed) that talked about food triggers.  Along with those blogs is the fact that I sometimes think about my food history and the reasons I got to be so damned fat.  Even now, I have clothes from 10-22 in my closet.  By the time I get all this weight off, the 10's will be back in style!

Anyway, I thought about food triggers and what my triggers were.  And I couldn't come up with any!!!  Seriously - not a single food that makes me go off the deep end.  I gave up the sugar because I believe it's the best thing to do for my health, not because it makes me go off the deep end if I have it.

So, I asked hubster about it.  He said that he'd never seen me be an emotional eater or to have triggers.  He did say that I was a "period eater" and that I ate a lot when I had my period.  Okay - I recognize and believe that.  But I don't think that led to my "robustness"!

Now, there are some things that helped me gain weight - depression due to the multiple cancers certainly helped.  But why after I knew I was gonna live and be okay did I not lose the weight I gained?  In fact, I gained more!  Wouldn't it make sense that after a traumatic even like that, I'd make sure my ass was a normal weight since obesity is a risk factor for cancer????

So anyway, as hubster and I were driving home from work last Friday, we talked about going out to eat.  It would have been a spur of the moment decision and the only choices at this point in the trip were a Peruvian restaurant, an Italian restaurant, a burger joint, a breakfast place, and a steak place that would have had a long wait.  Given what I'd eaten at that point in the day, I wouldn't have been able to make good choices.

I knew, and made, the right decision.  HOWEVER, it made me feel terrible.  It pissed me off and I felt DEPRIVED.  Like a petulant child.

It was THAT feeling that made me want to eat.  That feeling of being deprived IS my trigger.

I realized this and thought, "Aha!"  I still felt irritated about the whole situation, but there was a bit of a different light on it. Since Friday night, I've thought it a lot.  And it's true.  I don't know where this feeling originated, but sometimes it's there...front and center. 

I remember being told as a kid that I'd had enough to eat at dinner time and I wouldn't be allowed to eat anymore.  I can remember being frustrated because I enjoyed the food, but I'd go outside and play - kickball, trekking through the back alley (which us kids thought of as a forest), anything!

Is that where it comes from?

In later years, I clearly remember eating just because whatever food at hand tasted good.  I will say that if I had to choose, I would generally choose meat/potato-type foods over sweets - except for good chocolate-covered peanuts.

I wouldn't just eat the food, I would eat it until it was gone or I couldn't eat anymore.  I suppose I went with the idea that if a little was good, a lot must be great!

PLUS - I think I was a closet eater.  Mostly, I didn't want anyone to see how much I was eating...but I wanted to eat because it tasted good.  At times, I tried to limit what I ate with "just a bite", but then I'd have a ton of "just a bites".

What does this mean?  I have no idea.  Is this emotional?  Is it habit?  Is it just a lack of self-control?

Why is it that sometimes I can make the right food choices and feel proud and strong; but at other times, feel deprived??  What are those subconscious thoughts that are making the difference?

I honestly have no idea.  But there's *something* here.  I'm going to have to think long and hard about this.


Saturday, April 12, 2014

Eating out and Sodium I am...

...thinking about eating out and sodium.

The scale was down a pound to 263.4 this morning.  But I slept in and weighed late in the morning, so I don't know if it's an apple to apple comparison with my normal morning weigh-ins.

It was a low-key day.  I had some bacon and coffee for breakfast.  We bought some thick-cut bacon and I love the way we make it.  I put the bacon on a broiler pan and generously sprinkle some coarse ground black pepper on it and bake it for about 25 minutes, turning it over halfway through.  It's SO scrumptious and I eat it slowly to savor ever bite.

I spent the afternoon doing the laundry and finishing up our taxes.  I have very strong opinions about taxes, but I'll save it for another time.

Anyway, hubby wanted to go out to dinner, but I was a little doubtful given last Saturday's disaster.  However, he said he wanted to go to Red Lobster for their Lobsterfest (and we had a $10 coupon), so we went.

I made excellent choices.  Skipped the biscuits, no mashed potatoes, no rice pilaf, no croutons on the salad, nothing fried - minimal carbs all around.  I got lobsters with a grilled shrimp skewer and a house salad with blue cheese crumbles instead of blue cheese dressing.  The bc crumbles were just a passing idea, but I really liked it and will probably make that choice more often.

I felt like dinner was a success and I made great choices

When we get home, I logging my meal - everything based on RL's nutritional information.  I ended up right where I expected on calories - 1700 for the day, so I'm right on target.  No worries there.

The thing that kicked my ass was the sodium.  I've had almost 5000 mg of sodium for the day!!!  The meal itself had right at 4000 mg!  I was stunned!  I'm usually around 2200 mg.  I think this may be one of the reasons I always show a gain on the scale the next day even when I've made great choices.  I mean, the scale ALWAYS shows an increase the morning after eating out the night before.

I checked the restaurant's numbers against generic information for the food I ate at dinner.  They showed similar sodium numbers as well.  I was really surprised.  I honestly didn't know that there was that much sodium in the seafood.  The thing about it is that since the restaurant numbers were on a par with the non-specific numbers, I would have had the same sodium intake if I'd prepared that meal at home.

Another restaurant lesson learned.

On a GREAT note, I had less than a GRAM of sugar for the entire day.  That's a new sugar low and I was pretty stoked about that.

I already know what I'm writing about tomorrow night - it's been on my mind since I read Gwen's post about food triggers.

I'll be interested in what the scale shows tomorrow morning.


Thursday, April 10, 2014

Daydreaming I am...


It seems to me that I daydream all the time and I only realized it recently.

Over the last few months, it's been about how things will be at different points in my weight loss.  I remember when I started in January, I thought about getting below that 272-273 range.  I thought that if I got below that weight, I would believe that I could continue on down to the bottom.

I remember thinking how wonderful it would be to have less than 100 lbs to lose.  Somehow have 99 lbs left to lose is somehow a lot better than having 101 lbs to lose.  Let me let you in on a little secret - there's no difference.

I think about what it's gonna be like when my weight hits that 249 mark and I'll be less than 250.  In some ways it seems "a long weigh away" (hey  - did you see what I just did there???)  But then, I think that I'm less than 5 lbs away from being in the 250s, which means that THEN I'll be only 10 lbs away from being at 249.  I could be there in two months - I think that's quite a reasonable time frame and not such "a long weigh away".

I wonder what it's gonna be like to see my daughter in May.  I've been mum to her on my weight loss.  She knows I'm trying to lose weight, but I don't talk about it too much.  I think she's gonna be pretty excited for her mama.  My son will be equally excited, but his feeling about it will be different - his reaction will be more tempered.  My daughter has never had a weight problem, but my son has and has successfully lost the weight and kept it off...all on his own.

I can imagine what my mother is gonna say.  No matter how much I weigh, she always says I look great.  But I know my mother and I know she's gonna be excited about it.  I'm not sure when I'm gonna see her next - possibly July.

What's it gonna be like when I'm less than 200?  What size am I going to be?  Will I have a curvy waist again?  What is my ass gonna look like?  Will I be able to see the definition in my jawline by then?

Our 30th anniversary is this year and we're planning to renew our vows.  It will be quite a light-hearted affair (but that's another blog).  I wonder what I'm going to look like when I'm standing there with hubby.  How is that going to compare to when I was standing with him all those years ago.

I use fatsecret to track my nutrition, but only intermittently track my weight there.  Every once in a while, when I enter back to back weights into fatsecret, it will look like a big loss and I'll get a message that says something like, "At this rate of loss, you'll reach your goal in 15 minutes."  OK - I'm exaggerating, but you get the point. Those messages make me think about how nice it would be to have all this weight off by Thanksgiving or Christmas.  That's not gonna happen, but still it's nice to dream.

When I enter my weight into my nerdy spread sheet each day, I'll put in various weights to see how the trend line would change.  The slope and intercept of the trend line in the graph gives me an estimate of when I'll reach my goal.  I imagine what it's gonna be like to not have to lose weight anymore.

I wonder what it's going to be like when I tell someone someday that I've lost over 100 lbs.  I imagine their surprise and comments, 'you don't look like you need to lose weight.'  Well, of course not dumbass, I've lost 100 lbs!!!

I wonder if I'll remember how hard the work was to get the weight off.  Will I respect my efforts?  Will I remember the past with my weight?  What will my memories of being overweight be like?

This daydreaming is one thing that's helping me to maintain my momentum, even when things aren't the greatest.  It's forward-looking and positive.  I don't know when it started really on such a regular basis.  I used to have a lot of negative weight-related thoughts, but they really are being replaced with all these daydreams.


Wednesday, April 9, 2014

Frustrated! I am...


I'm entering my fourth month of this journey and, like life itself, it has it's ups and downs.

The most recent "down" is discovering that planned splurges are probably not something that I'm going to be able to comfortably deal with - most definitely not on a regular basis.  My weight is still up 4 days after Saturday's splurge and now it just makes me mad.  Mad at myself.

At this point, I have no business having a splurge.  I still have almost 100 lbs to lose and it's not like I don't have my eating plan structured so that I can enjoy my meals and still lose weight.  I wasn't feeling deprived, stressed, or anything negative ahead of the meal.  It's not like I was panicked, out of control, and just went off the deep end.  I planned it.

I'm honestly trying to figure me out, figure this way of eating out...really, just trying to figure everything out.

If this is going to be for the rest of my life, should I expect that I can/will never have ice cream or eat too much at a meal?  I mean, this isn't a diet, it's a life plan.

That last sentence is really the thing that has been hanging me up the last few days.

But, I think I may have figured something out.

When I started this, I had just a few simple rules: 
  • Mindful of everything I eat
  • No added sugar
  • Breathe, stay calm, and don't beat myself up.
  • Don't give up before I even get started.
I haven't been adhering to the 3rd rule very well over the last few days.  I've been beating myself up plenty.  And I shouldn't, but DAMMIT!  *shakes fist at myself*
Now, what I think I've figured out is this:  While I'm losing the majority of my weight (maybe down to 200 lbs), I think I need to follow these rules as close to 100% of the time as I can.  As I get closer to my ideal weight, I think I will probably experiment (test?) to see how I deal with adding different foods back into my life, such as more fruit, starchier carbs, etc.  At that point, I think my adherence will need to be 80%-90% of the time and I'll be able to do things like have a day like I had Saturday.  But, I do feel that foods like sweets and desserts will necessarily need to be the rare experience.

This is how I've straightened it out in my head.  Does it make sense?  Or am I just crazy?

Being honest with myself and keeping my eyes open to my own bullshit is an ongoing part of the plan.


P.S.  Here's a hilarious link of the brilliant answers that kids gave on their exams.  It's HILARIOUS!

Monday, April 7, 2014

Come Monday I am...

...thinking about Jimmy Buffet's song, Come Monday.   I've always liked that song.  I guess it's appropriate being that it's Monday.  But more importantly, it has nothing to do with the topic of this blog post, which in itself only has a loosely defined topic to begin with!

Hubby's back and getting rested - still waiting for his luggage.  We slept in a little late this morning, but I made lunches before heading off to work.  Tuna salad.  I used to say 'tuna fish salad' and then realized that it was redundant since tuna is a fish.  Random thought there.

The scale was down some today, but nowhere near where it was just two days ago!!  Blast me!!!  *shaking fist at myself*.

I'd read that when some folks eat higher carbs than they're used to, they kinda go off the deep end with binging.  I don't feel like doing that at all - actually, it's pretty much like any other day.  I'm thinking this is a good thing.  On the other end, the 20/20 hindsight, of Saturday's "excursion", all I have is more resolve to continue forward and perhaps a better understanding of what my food boundaries are.  Don't get me wrong, they're not restrictive boundaries at all, but for right now, they're "limited" boundaries.  Like I said yesterday, I'm just not willing to have to re-lose 4-5 pounds, even if it is water-weight, over a meal.

I was telling hubby all these thoughts today.  We're always making stupid teenage comments to each other, but today was just funny.  Today I was asking him if he ever thought that he'd have a wife that was close to 300 lbs.  He said, 'no'.  I asked, "Did you still love me when I was that big?"  He said, "Yes."  THEN, I asked, "Do you love me more now that I'm losing weight?"


He said, "I have more love per square inch now that there's less of you."  He continued on to say that his "love density" was higher.  He is so crazy.  It's his way of saying he loves me the same.  It must be the engineer in him that takes the long way around.  Sort of a Rube Goldberg with words.

Dinner tonight was a new experience.  Here's a picture:

Lime chicken with capers (we didn't have lemon), sauteed spinach, and spaghetti squash.  If you look at the piece of chicken on the right, you'll see it has a cut through it.  Hubster cooked dinner and directly after he saw me cut the chicken, he said, "Aren't you going to take a picture?"  He even took the picture!  I think he wanted me to post a picture of the dinner he prepared!

Anyway, we'd never had spaghetti squash before and it was AWESOME!  I loved it!  It will be a regular item from now on.  My new favorite vegetable until the next new one comes along!  We are really getting in the grove of having a variety of vegetables at dinner and experimenting with some that we've not had before.  I still don't think hubster is willing to give brussels sprouts a fair chance.

In reading some of the blogs I follow today, I came across Jane's blog at Keeping the Pounds Off.  She wrote an awesome post entitled, Practice doesn't make Perfect, It Makes BetterIt's excellent food for thought.


Sunday, April 6, 2014

The aftermath I am...

...facing the aftermath!

Where to begin?

Well, hubster made it home safely late Friday night - actually, it was early Saturday morning.  He took a shower and crashed.

He got up before I did yesterday morning and made coffee.  I slept in a little late - it was a relaxing morning.  By the time we got going and ready to leave the house, it was too late for breakfast and just about lunchtime.  So we decided that we'd just eat lunch at Costco.

That wasn't a problem.  Hubby got the brisket sandwich and I got the chicken caesar salad.  Check.

I had several shops to complete which involved buying a pretzel, so that was a bit out of my normal, but I only had to have a bite, so that wasn't so bad.  After shopping three different locations, I estimated that I had eaten an entire pretzel.  That's probably an overestimation, but I wanted to play it on the safe side.  Since starting on this journey, I've avoided food shops but this was an exception.

Later in the day, we decided on the Mediterranean restaurant for dinner for date night, which was a good choice.  Now, I had planned to exceed my normal sugar/carbohydrate limits but I wasn't planning on being crazy - just a rare excursion.

So at dinner, we had the spread tray with the gemlik zeytin, hummus, babaganoush, tzatziki, muhammara, pasa ezmesi along with some lavash.  We also had some saganaki - this place has the best kasseri cheese, and an order of olives.  All of this was the appetizer and it was quite good.  I had tea and water with my meal, while hubster had a few beers.

For dinner, hubster got a scallop dish and a sausage-type dish (they're meze, so it's small portions of each.  I selected the branzino (a fish) (because I love it) and those brussels sprouts that I love so much.  It was all quite good, but I gotta say - I've had better branzino.

After dinner, we decide to skip dessert.  I love baklava and there was baklava on their menu, but we had it the last time we were there and it just wasn't worth the sugar.  Good for me!  Instead, we decided that we'd go to an ice cream shop and get an ice cream.  First, it would give our dinner time to digest a little.  Second, we could decide once we were close to the ice cream shop if we really wanted an ice cream.  Third, it would give ME time to change my mind since hubster could go either way.

I didn't change my mind.  This was the beginning of the end.

I got a single scoop of pistachio almond in a cake cone - mostly because I like the very last bite when the ice cream is in the very bottom of the cone!  I didn't feel anxious, out of control, or anything.  I was just enjoying my cone.  Knowing that the bite I was most looking forward to was the last bite, I scooped some of my ice cream in to hubster's cup.  That last bite was good and just like I expected.

Before we even left the ice cream shop, I felt bad.  By the time we drove the 2.5 miles home, I was in pain.  Twenty minutes later, my tummy was so bloated that hubby made fun of me.  A short time after that, I was so sleepy I could barely keep my eyes open so I went to bed.  I didn't even get to watch SNL!!!

This morning, I felt a bit groggy and sure as hell didn't want to step on the scale.  I could FEEL the water weight in every spot in my body.  I waited as long as I could, but finally got on the scale.  As expected, my liver and muscles have been replenished with all the glycogen they can hold!  And all that water too!

The scale was up 4.4 lbs!!!!  Look at that weight chart - STRAIGHT UP!  YUCK!  I've gotta get back on the OTHER side of that trend line!  I showed my weight chart to hubby, the little shit laughed like a crazy man!  I should have called him "bald" or something.  ;-)

Number-wise, I generally average about 2400 mg sodium, 30 g CHO, and 13 g sugar.  Yesterday, I had 6300 mg sodum, 177 g CHO, and 79 g sugar.  Way out of my recent norms!

So now, it's going to take a few days to get rid of this water weight and I'm not going to know whether it's real loss or water loss until I'm back to 264-ish.  There's that.  The other thing and I'm kinda disappointed, but IT'S MY OWN DAMN FAULT, is that I was close to 263 and now I'm not.

Do I regret last night?  No, not really.  I planned it and knew what the consequence would be.  But, there's that wishful part of me that hoped that since I have been so good for so long that I would get a pass and I would miraculously show a weight loss this morning.

I do know that I will think and consider for a long time, and it will be a long time, before I have another day like yesterday.  It was enjoyable, but I don't know that I'm ready for that type of "splurge" at this point in my journey, that I'm ready to accept even a temporary, purposeful water weight gain when I have so much left to lose.  It just delays reaching my goal.  And if I'm honest looking back on it, I'm just not totally okay with it and it's stressing me out that I made the decision to splurge.  Is that crazy or what?  I don't regret it, but I'm not okay with it - maybe the sugar has sent me over the edge.  ;-) 

Plus, there are better choices I can make, still enjoy the food, and still lose.


Friday, April 4, 2014

Waiting for hubster I am...

...waiting for my hubster to get home.

He's late because of a strike in Germany which delayed his flight home by 9-10 hours.   He took alternate flights, but every one of those was delayed as well!  He was supposed to be home about 3 pm, but won't get home until midnight or so.  Poor fella is gonna be exhausted!  It's a big bummer, but the important thing is that he gets home safely.  (I hate ending sentences with adverbs!)

Other than that, it's been a low-key, uneventful day - that's a good thing.

The scale was up a tad this morning.  It's not a big deal and like I've come to wish, I hope my weight is inversely related to the stock market, but only when the market is going up and my weight is going down!  That's a win-win to be sure!

It's a little funny and this is purely anecdotal, but the other day when the scale read 264.2, I thought to myself that I would be really good and mindful and aware and the scale would be down to 263.something the next day and it would be a new low and how exciting would THAT be to be 263 for the first time in a long time.  Well - that was three days ago!!!  It'll get there, but I think Mother Nature is trying to teach me patience.  I can only shake my head and chill.  :-)

When hubster left for his trip last Friday, I stopped by the grocery store and bought about boneless pork loin that was on sale and cooked it in the crock pot.  About half of it is left - I thought about throwing it out so hubster wouldn't see it, but that's kinda silly - he wouldn't care if I did, but I don't want to waste it.  I think I'm gonna freeze the rest of it cuz at this point, I'm tired of boneless pork loin!

Stairs were a little easier today - don't know why, but I'll take it.  Hubster and I had talked about taking a walk through a nearby park tomorrow, but I don't think that's gonna happen.  Hopefully we'll be able to do it on Sunday.

That's about it for today.  Leave a comment and say hello!


Thursday, April 3, 2014

Odds and ends I am...

...thinking about odds and ends.

As predicted, the scale was up this morning.  Not much and nothing to worry about because it's really just in the noise, but I ate out yesterday and it was reflected in the scale.

While driving to work today, I realized that I "fit" differently in the seat.  In the past, I've often felt that I was poured in and overflowing in the seat and wasn't totally comfortable.  But this morning, my butt was fitting in the seat and I just felt like there was some room.

Work was pretty busy all day.  I was all over our campus so that helped to add up the steps because I walked.  Okay - it's only a little over 5000 steps, but that's an improvement.  PLUS, as I was returning to my office today, I thought that I would take the elevator because I still have a headache.  But I then thought about the promise I'd made about walking up the steps, so that's what I did - so that's a little accomplishment for the day - a DIP success if you will.  Because still - I hate taking the stairs and would much prefer to take the elevator.

At breakfast this morning, I had two of the Oopsies that I made last night along with some bacon and eggs.  The Oopsie held up quite well - so another feather in the cap for finding a good recipe.

I've also decided that technology drives me crazy.  On the table beside my bed, I have a cell phone, a work cell phone, a work iPad, a laptop, and a Nook.  Really?????  How damn connected do I have to be???

Spent some time on the phone with a friend of mine after work today.  She's making her way the weight loss maze and is a bit frustrated.  She'll make it though - I have every confidence that she'll succeed!  *WAVES AT MY FRIEND*

Oh - took some blood pressure measurements tonight.  It's almost in the normal range!!!  Who knew?  At one time, it was rather high, so I'm rather pleased with myself!  Perhaps I won't have to take bp meds for a whole lot longer.  Do I need to track this?  What happens if I take bp meds and my bp is normal?  Is that dangerous?  Something else to find out about.

Hubster gets back from his trip tomorrow and I'm ready to see him.  He wants to go out for date night, so I'm preparing for one of my "splurges".  We're considering Red Lobster, Longhorn Steakhouse, or a local Mediterranean place (the one with the great brussels sprouts!).  I'm not having to really prepare for the splurge, but rather prepare myself into not feeling bad for eating outside my daily range/plan.

The only downer for the day really is that I still have a headache.  I seem to be having a lot of headaches lately.  I'm not sure if it's diet - I'm certainly not starving myself; if it's hormonal - I'm certainly at *that* age; if it's something related to my neck - a distinct possibility; or, if it's just a stupid headache.  The weird thing is that I've rarely had headaches, but rather migraines on the right side.  The rare headache I've had hurt all over my head.  But lately, these have been on the left side and they just bug me.

Enough whining.


Wednesday, April 2, 2014

Oopsies I am...

...thinking about Oopsies...

No...I'm not talking about a mistake; I'm talking about a recipe I found at various places on the interwebs.  Some of us living the low carb, high fat lifestye sometimes miss that white stuff called bread.  For me, it's not so much that I miss the bread itself, but rather the convenience of the bread.  I mean, I feel a bit awkward holding a hamburger patty by two hands and eating it.  Somehow, that awkwardness is removed when that patty is in a bun.

Anyway, the recipe is super simple.  Just google it.  I used 3 eggs, 3 ounces cream cheese, a little bit of cream of tartar, and a little bit of salt.  Separate the eggs, whip the whites with the cream of tartar until still.  In another bowl, mix the yolks with the cream cheese until smooth.  Then gently fold the yolk mixture into the egg whites.  Spoon it onto an oiled cookie sheet (this recipe makes about 5-6 pieces), and bake at 300 degrees for 30 minutes.  Let it cool a few minutes and eat!

My oopsies!

Now while they are not bread, they were light, had a bread-like texture, didn't fall apart, and tasted pretty good.  I will definitely make these again.  I may try to pour the batter into a form next time to get a more uniform, thicker Oopsie.

My mood is a bit better than yesterday and the scale was also down again this morning - all good things.  I guess the biggest part of yesterday was that I've been at this point before and then lost my vision, my motivation.  But, like I said yesterday - I truly feel that this time is different.

Besides, I don't have to be in a cheery mood all the time!  So there!

I did go out to lunch today and I had more protein for the day than usual - so I'll be interested to see what the scale shows tomorrow.

But let me just say - I took the stairs EVERY TIME today, no elevators were used in the course of this day!  YEAH ME!

That's about it for today.  I want to go to bed early since I have a bit of a headache.


Tuesday, April 1, 2014

My pants I am...

...thinking about my pants.

But first, the scale was down this morning.  It looks like I may have broken through a mini-plateau.  I think I may have been eating too much protein.  Then again, it could just be the fact that I haven't been eating out - it's been five days!

So, I'm getting dressed this morning and I put on the next lower size.  They fit perfectly.  They were a little loose in the leg and fit at the waist; they were even comfortable at the end of the day.  So I think I can officially say that I'm down from a 22 to a 20.

My problem, like it's really a problem, is that while I have plenty of size 20 jeans, most of them look like crap.  I only have two pair that are really good for wearing to work.  So I guess I'll be buying a few pairs of jeans this weekend.  While I'm at it, I might just buy some shirts as well.

The 22's I have were bought at Christmas, so they're fairly new.  I wish I knew someone wearing a 22-Tall.  I'd pass them on.

It's a funny thing - even though the scale was down to a new low this morning and I'm in smaller size of pants, I'm not feeling successful.  It's more a feeling of "been there, done that".   My closet is full of size 20 pants, so there's nothing really different, nothing new.  I hope I feel differently when I get into 18's.

This whole "thing" really tempers my entire mood and I have a hint of feeling overwhelmed at how much further I have to go.  If I'm honest with myself at the moment, there's also a feeling of wanting to just throw in the towel.

Do I really know how to do this?  Am I doing this the right way?  If I am, can I really be successful?  Can I really change my habits, my attitude, my life to get to where I want to be?  To be what I want to be?  Do I have the strength?  The willpower? The IT.

Time will tell.  I'm feeling a bit "less" at the moment, but I'm still on the wagon.