Well...here I am...
...thinking about food triggers.
A few days ago, I read several blogs in a row (or so it seemed) that talked about food triggers. Along with those blogs is the fact that I sometimes think about my food history and the reasons I got to be so damned fat. Even now, I have clothes from 10-22 in my closet. By the time I get all this weight off, the 10's will be back in style!
Anyway, I thought about food triggers and what my triggers were. And I couldn't come up with any!!! Seriously - not a single food that makes me go off the deep end. I gave up the sugar because I believe it's the best thing to do for my health, not because it makes me go off the deep end if I have it.
So, I asked hubster about it. He said that he'd never seen me be an emotional eater or to have triggers. He did say that I was a "period eater" and that I ate a lot when I had my period. Okay - I recognize and believe that. But I don't think that led to my "robustness"!
Now, there are some things that helped me gain weight - depression due to the multiple cancers certainly helped. But why after I knew I was gonna live and be okay did I not lose the weight I gained? In fact, I gained more! Wouldn't it make sense that after a traumatic even like that, I'd make sure my ass was a normal weight since obesity is a risk factor for cancer????
So anyway, as hubster and I were driving home from work last Friday, we talked about going out to eat. It would have been a spur of the moment decision and the only choices at this point in the trip were a Peruvian restaurant, an Italian restaurant, a burger joint, a breakfast place, and a steak place that would have had a long wait. Given what I'd eaten at that point in the day, I wouldn't have been able to make good choices.
I knew, and made, the right decision. HOWEVER, it made me feel terrible. It pissed me off and I felt DEPRIVED. Like a petulant child.
It was THAT feeling that made me want to eat. That feeling of being deprived IS my trigger.
I realized this and thought, "Aha!" I still felt irritated about the whole situation, but there was a bit of a different light on it. Since Friday night, I've thought it a lot. And it's true. I don't know where this feeling originated, but sometimes it's there...front and center.
I remember being told as a kid that I'd had enough to eat at dinner time and I wouldn't be allowed to eat anymore. I can remember being frustrated because I enjoyed the food, but I'd go outside and play - kickball, trekking through the back alley (which us kids thought of as a forest), anything!
Is that where it comes from?
In later years, I clearly remember eating just because whatever food at hand tasted good. I will say that if I had to choose, I would generally choose meat/potato-type foods over sweets - except for good chocolate-covered peanuts.
I wouldn't just eat the food, I would eat it until it was gone or I couldn't eat anymore. I suppose I went with the idea that if a little was good, a lot must be great!
PLUS - I think I was a closet eater. Mostly, I didn't want anyone to see how much I was eating...but I wanted to eat because it tasted good. At times, I tried to limit what I ate with "just a bite", but then I'd have a ton of "just a bites".
What does this mean? I have no idea. Is this emotional? Is it habit? Is it just a lack of self-control?
Why is it that sometimes I can make the right food choices and feel proud and strong; but at other times, feel deprived?? What are those subconscious thoughts that are making the difference?
I honestly have no idea. But there's *something* here. I'm going to have to think long and hard about this.