Saturday, May 31, 2014

Since Tuesday??? I am...

...realizing that I haven't written anything since Tuesday?  WTF is up with THAT?!?!?!

It's been a busy week!  Lots going on at work and my neck is giving me fits.  I've been reading and commenting on the blogs I follow, but I just haven't written my own.

There's a lot going on in the coming weeks.  Hubster just left for his trip and I'm getting ready for mine tomorrow.  When I was going through the closet earlier this week, I realized that I really, really do need to buy some new shirts/blouses/tops - whatever they're called.  Are those all just words for the same thing or is there some sort of design difference?'s my mind wandering again.

I have a sweet friend who is always fussing at me about how quickly I put my nightclothes on after I get home.  She sends me emails telling me to get dressed and get in gear.  It's kinda funny - it may be working!

Anyway, this friend is also getting her weight down.  And PROPS to her - she just met a major milestone.  I'm pretty happy for her.  Like me, she fooled herself for a long time but now realizes that there's no choice but to get the weight off for health reasons

So - hubster's gone and my friend and I are going shopping.  We've never clothes shopped before, but I don't think she's one of those folks that will tell you something looks good when, in fact, it looks like shit on you.

The scale said 253.8 this morning, so I'm pleased with that.  I've been on target this week, but the scale seemed a little stubborn.  My graph is normal, so it's probably just me wanting to see it go lower faster!

My friend is here!  I'll post tonight!  Wish me luck on the clothes hunt!


Tuesday, May 27, 2014

The clothes in my closet I am...

...thinking about the clothes in my closet.

Just let me say that shopping is not my favorite pastime.  While most of the national chain stores carry larger sizes for us voluptuous women, it's difficult, at least for me, to find something that looks good.  Maybe it's just me, but most of the clothing looks like shit - like it was made for someone in the circus with no sense of fashion.  Now don't get me wrong, I'm no fashion maven, but I do want to look presentable.

Anyway, I have a closet full of clothes but nothing to wear.  The sizes range from a medium to a 3x.  Crazy!  This morning as I was getting ready for work, I was perusing the closet and passed by a shirt with an "it's too small" thought.  But then I thought, "Wait - it was too small 35 lbs ago."  So I ironed the shirt and put it on.


It fit quite well!  Of course, this elevated my mood and I went downstairs to make breakfast and lunch with a smile on my face.

While I was preparing breakfast and lunch, I leaned from one counter to the other and for just an instant, I had a thought in my head that my profile as I leaned from one counter to the other looked really good.

The very next instant that little inner voice said, "You can't possibly look good.  You're still a 255 lb moose."

I was instantly deflated and my mood was tempered.  I hate it when I have thoughts like that.  In the past, thoughts like this have ruined my entire day and have caused me to throw in the towel.

Today it just made me a little sad and regretful.  I mean, I'm down 30+ pounds and I still weigh over 250 pounds.  It's quite easy to give it all up with so much row left to hoe.

But I tell ya what - while I've got a long way to go, I've already come a long way.   (Do I sound like a cigarette commercial from the early 70's or what???)  There's no way I can stop now.

I've got a weird little thought process about the whole thing.  We all know it's shitloads easier to gain weight than it is to lose weight.  If I hadn't made the decision in January to get my ass in gear, I could have been 30+ lbs heavier instead of 30+ lbs lighter.  That IS a lot of weight.  Instead of needing of lose 80 lbs at this point, I might have had 140 lbs to lose.

So instead of looking just at the weight I've lose so far, I try to imagine where the other path might have taken me.  This might be a strange way of thinking, but I think there's some merit to it.

And no, I sure as hell don't look anything like what I'm going to look like when I'm at 175.  But I look better than I did at 290!  That is a very good thing.

I'm gonna have to start taking a closer look at some of the clothes in my closet...and I'm gonna go shopping.


Monday, May 26, 2014

Gone back to Texas I am... daughter has gone back to Texas.  It was soul-soothing to have her back home if only for a few days.  After my travel next week, our son will be home for more soul-soothing.  We're really looking forward to it.

Like I said yesterday, we had a great time just being together.  The weather was great, so we spent most of our time on either the patio or the porch just hanging out.

While she was here, we took a lot of pictures and some of them are hilarious.  I decided that I would post one here as a progress photo.  It's similar to the photo that started it all.  Do those tatas look huge or what?  ;-)

May 2014
The original photo had so many different meanings.  It was the first time I'd really allowed myself to be willingly photographed.  My daughter told me that she didn't want to look back one day and not have any photos of us.  She doesn't see a fat mama, she just sees her mama.  However, when I saw the pic, all I saw was a fat, fat woman.  You've heard the saying, "the face that launched a thousand ships"?  Well, this picture launched my efforts to get this weight off once and for all.

October 2013
Having our daughter home this weekend was the first time I've spent any amount of time where my efforts have been in front of anyone except my husband.  While my daughter knew I was trying to get the weight off, she's not been here for the day to day.  There's no doubt she's happy I'm getting the weight off, but she sees it as just a diet.  Since she doesn't have a weight problem, I don't think she understands, maybe she can't understand, that this isn't a diet, but rather a new way of life at least where eating is concerned.  Several times she would ask if I could have this or have that.  It was very sweet and I explained how I was eating and my own personal parameters.

But there was something odd and I couldn't figure out what it was.

At the airport this morning, she mentioned that I drank diet soda this weekend.  She thought that she had caused me to go off my plan because she was under the impression that I had stopped drinking diet soda.  She said that, in the past, I had gone/quit whatever diet I was on when she was home and wanted to eat something that wasn't on said diet.  Hubster spoke up and said that I hadn't given it up, but that I didn't drink it often at all.  But that's been going on for about 3 years now - tea and water are my preferred beverages. 

As hubster and I walked back to the car after hugging her goodbye, I was thinking about the weekend and it dawned on me what the "odd" thing was - my daughter sees "this" as a diet, something temporary.  And finally, for the first time in my life, I truly understand that "this" is not a diet at all.

These last five months have been huge for me.  I'm so happy for the support I have, but I think the thing my daughter didn't realize was that what I'm doing isn't a matter of eating/not eating, but rather a way of eating for the rest of my life.  It isn't a matter of denying myself anything, but rather making the choices that are best for me.  It really is a matter of learning to eat to live and not live to eat.  When I am strong, focused, and have the proper mindset about food/eating, I can make the right choices with ease.  There's no one - NO ONE - that can make me make bad decisions.  It's ME making that decision.  I can be proud of that.

When I'm weak, my focused is blurred, and I've got food on the brain, the decisions I make are still mine and mine alone.  It's still ME making that decision.  I have to learn from those situations.

I'm not perfect, but I'm learning and getting the strength and the power within myself to make the permanent changes I have to make.  I don't have a choice.

I don't think there are too many people who really understand that.  But that's totally okay, cuz I'm the one in charge.


Sunday, May 25, 2014

Happy I am... happy that we've gotten to spend the weekend with our daughter.  She's pretty awesome even if I do say so myself.  We'll be sad to see her go back to Texas tomorrow.  It would have been an even more perfect weekend if our son had been here as well.

Currently, we're all watching Ender's Game.  Well - she and hubster are watching the movie.  I'm taking the opportunity to jot a few things down.

When she saw me on Friday evening.  She simply said, "Wow.  Mom looks great!"  She said that it looked to her that I'd lost inches from my sides.  I don't know if that's true, but I'll take it.

It's been good to have her home and to spoil her a little bit.  We've had some really good food - at home and at restaurants, bought some makeup, and had manicures and pedicures.

Coming off the never-ending migraine, I was a little concerned about how I would deal with the food situation.  While I wasn't perfect, I think I handled most things pretty well.  It was interesting, she knows that I'm actively trying to lose weight, so she would preface things with the question, "Can you eat that?"

I explained to her that the only thing I really didn't eat was added sugar and the "white" stuff, that I was trying to figure out how I was going to eat for the rest of my life, and that this is how I'll probably have to eat for the rest of my life.

So having said that and given that we ate out three times this weekend, I'll give myself a B/B- for the weekend eating.

She told me that she wanted to have some chicken pad thai from a local restaurant.  Hubster and I stopped by there Friday night, had dinner, and got takeout for her.  Of course, Asian cuisine can be difficult to maneuver, so I told the woman what I wanted - beef, chicken, or shrimp with some vegetables with no sugar or MSG added.

I believe that's what I got too.  There was a little brown sauce, but it wasn't sweet.  As well, I ordered chicken wings on the appetizer menu in case the food wasn't up to speed.  I must have done alright because the scale was down a hair on Saturday morning.

We went to Cracker Barrel for breakfast on Saturday morning.  I got the breakfast sirloin with eggs, bacon, and broccoli.  The waiter thought it was odd to order broccoli for breakfast, but I'm okay with that.  I gave the hash browns, biscuits and gravy, and grits to hubster and my daughter.  Another win!

We spent Saturday afternoon on the patio just talking.  Hubster and daughter were drinking beer and wine, so I made myself a great pitcher of iced tea.  It wasn't a struggle to not drink alcohol, but I was proud of myself anyway.

We decided on sushi for dinner.  This meant I had to come up with a plan for the meal.  I went online and checked out the nutritional information for sushi and related food.  In the past, I'd always gotten nigiri, which is the fish on top of a dollop of sticky rice.

I had 3 unagi, 2 salmon, 2 tuna, and a specialty roll.  Before I went, I estimated that this would be about 1 cup of rice altogether.  I think I'm pretty close here.  Everyone else got miso, but I decided against the miso because of the sodium content.  It might seem silly, but since I was eating more carbs, I didn't want to jack up the sodium as well and have to deal with water weight, etc.  I also had the low sodium soy sauce.

I couldn't decide if this was a win or a lose. Eating outside of my normal range could be considered a lose; however, I made the conscious decision to have a little splurge, the splurge wasn't like a pig up to a trough, but rather something reasonable and measured.  I went, I enjoyed it, it's done.  From that point of view, it's a win.

When I got home and logged everything I'd had, my carb content for the day was 150 g.  This was worrisome, but my sugar content for the day was 21 g, in line with what I usually have sugar-wise.

So - when I got up this morning, the scale was up 1.2 lbs.  I expected it and was thankful that it wasn't like that splurge a few months back.  I compared notes between the two meals.  While the carb and calories are similar, the sodium and sugar content were vastly different.  Who knows?  Perhaps there is a difference between sugar and complex carbs. 

Today, breakfast was bacon and coffee.  In the afternoon, we snacked on some homemade guacamole.  I had pork rinds, while hubster and daughter had crackers.  The pork rinds are a win for the crunch and dip-ability!  Dinner this evening was surf and turf with green beans.  I ate my entire steak - probably about 12 ounces, so I gave some of the shrimp to hubster.  Beans are beans.  I had more protein than usual, so we'll see how it goes.

In the end, my eating this weekend isn't going to help me lose weight - it was more for a maintenance way of eating.  But, I was able to enjoy the weekend and be engaged with the surroundings and the people without fixating on food or feeling deprived.  The weekend is over, I'm back in the saddle - actually, I don't think I was ever out of the saddle.  Yeah me.

My daughter and I took a new picture together.  I'll post it tomorrow.


Thursday, May 22, 2014

Migraine I am...

...two days into a migraine.

I woke up yesterday with a migraine so I stayed home from work.

Still have it.  I can feel it down into my neck and shoulders.

I just want it to go away.  My daughter comes home for the holiday tomorrow.

I've maxed out on the OTC stuff.  Current prescriptions don't help at all.  Are there any good homemade remedies?

Tuesday, May 20, 2014

Travelling I am...

...thinking about the upcoming travel I have for work.

I have work travel planned for the first week in June.  It's a development class for leaders at my agency and lasts a year.  This particular class has 18 participants and we're gonna be holed up in a hotel in Pennsylvania for a week for the kick-off.  I've heard good things about the class, so we'll see how it goes.

The immediate problem is that we're all gonna be together day and night - meals and all.  What are the menus gonna look like?  I had no idea and at first thought that I'd just have to suck it up.  I checked the hotel restaurant and restaurants around the hotel.  I called the hotel to see if the rooms had refrigerators - all sorts of stuff.

But then I thought, "No".  They can either make accommodations for me or else I'll make my own accommodations.  I mean - I don't owe them ANYTHING.  I owe me EVERYTHING!

So last week, I sent an email asking about the food menus.  The reply was that breakfast and lunch were provided as well as one of the dinners.  We're on own own for only three meals.  This wasn't the information I was looking for, so I sent another email asking what these meals would consist of because I had a fairly restrictive diet and was trying to plan ahead.  They said they would get back to me.

This is the reply I received yesterday:

"Both breakfast and lunch are buffets.  Breakfast will consist of assortments of Danish, Bagels, Cereals, Fruit, etc., with beverages that include coffee, tea, and assorted juices.  If there are any vegetarian or vegan needs, we can accommodate if the buffet does not fulfill that need.  Same thing with lunches; each day will vary based on a theme like Mexican, Italian, etc., but again, it will be a buffet with a beverage of coffee and tea.  If there are any vegetarian or vegan needs, we can accommodate if the buffet does not fulfill that need.  Snacks vary each day from chips one day to fruit another day, etc.,  There will be soft drinks in the afternoons.  On Wednesday when we go on the Battlefield Staff Ride we will have boxed lunches and there will be a choice of sandwiches (ham, turkey, roast beef, vegetarian).  Again any vegetarian or vegan needs can be met.  For the dinner, there will be an opportunity to select between two entree choices, chicken or steak, and also vegetarian or vegan."

Well - this sounds perfect...if you want to eat crappy, processed food or if you're a vegetarian or a vegan.  I was a bit irked that the assumption went directly to a vegetarian-type need.  But this lady doesn't know me from Adam and she was being nice.  So I sent the following email back to her.

"I do not eat anything with added sugar - this includes breads of any kind, most fruit, "white" foods, and processed foods, like luncheon meat.  This is my first trip with these restrictions and it dawned on me last week that I might have issues."

A few minutes later, I received a phone call from the lady who was handling all the details.  She was very sweet and sounded quite willing to accommodate my needs.  We'll see how it turns out.  I told her that I could deal as long as I had real food, such as eggs, salad veggies, and meat of some kind.  She called me again later and said the chef was out until Wednesday and she would talk with him then.

I hope this works out.  I'm gonna take some mixed nuts, but I don't think I could live on nuts for that many meals.  I also thought that I could always find some boiled eggs somewhere.  I'm thinking of requesting a refrigerator for my room.  If anyone has any ideas of what I can take with me for my room, I would appreciate it. 

Whatever it takes, I've got to make sure that I give myself the tools I need to be successful on this trip.  I'm really trying to be proactive and not just succumb to whatever is there and presented.  I really would be doing myself a disservice if I didn't try.  Me taking care of me.  And btw, I've already decided that I'm gonna take my scales with me.

The scale was down this morning, so that was a good thing.  I looked up what I am on the BMI chart (not that I have a lot of faith in BMI) - it says that with a BMI of 36.7, I'm only severely obese - a vast improvement from the very severely obese I was calculated to be when I started.  When I get below a BMI of 35, I'll only be a mere moderately obese.  I hope my BMI is never exactly 35, else according to Wikipedia, I'll be BOTH moderately AND severely obese at the same time.  Does that mean that for that instant, I'll be doubly fat or something?!?!?!  I pretty much think BMI is so much BS.

And finally, I worked on the elliptical AGAIN tonight when I got home from work - 25 minutes!!.  TWO DAYS IN A ROW!!!   WhOoP!


Monday, May 19, 2014

A little proud of myself I am...

...and I'm a little proud of myself.

Hubster is on travel, which means I'm on my own.  When I got home from work today, I decided that I wanted bacon for dinner.  I looked in the refrigerator and there was no bacon.  So, I mosey on downstairs to check the other refrigerator.

What do I see?

The elliptical.  The big monstrous, accusing elliptical.

You see I told myself yesterday that I was going to get on the elliptical today for just 15 minutes.  Before hubster left today, I told him as well.  However, after I got home, I decided that I didn't want to do anything.

So, here I am with the elliptical standing between me and the bacon.  What do I do?  I stood there and argued with myself for about 30 seconds.  You can start tomorrow.  You only told hubster and he's not going to ask.  It's already 6:30 - it's too late.  

What did I do?  Did I listen to that little devil on my shoulder?  HELL NO!  I got my ass on that elliptical, bedroom slippers and all, and ellipticalled (what's the correct term here?) for not just 15 minutes, but for 20 minutes!


I had a big aha! today.  I have a wonderful friend with a fabulous blog called Positively Happy.  Rebecca writes some incredible pieces and I'm always so impressed with how her writing makes me dig and think deeply within myself.  Her blog today included a story about me (which was kinda cool), but was really about the process that grieving parents go through and how they find their way back to a happy life in the face of such a huge loss.

Without going to go into detail of the blog, she also talked about Kintsugi, which is the Japanese tradition of repairing broken pottery, not by hiding the repair, but by having the repair enhance the pottery and become part of its history.  Oftentimes, gold is used.  I checked it out and some pieces I've found are absolutely beautiful.

Her blog really struck a chord with me and wondered how I could apply the concept of kintsugi to myself.  Certainly there are parts of me that are broken and I'm trying so difficult to "fix it".

But why am I trying to fix?  Am I broken?  In some ways I am.  I have issues with the way I view myself, with the way I feel others view me. In some ways, I became my weight, which is so beyond fucked up it's not funny.  Do I want to ignore the issues I've had with my weight over the years?  Do I want to cover up the struggle I've had with my weight?  Do I want to make it all just "fine"?

Or rather, do I want to address these issues and use the understanding I gain, the knowledge I learn -  the REPAIR - and use it to enhance who I am?  To be a better me?  Can I be wabi-sabi - can I accept my imperfections?  Can I end up a better me?  Will I be a better me with all the repairs?  I don't know, but the prospect is exciting.  In my mind's eye, a door has opened and a cool breeze is blowing through.  Awesome.

With these thoughts running through my head this afternoon, I read Crabby McSlacker's blog.  She's had some awesome blogs lately about rewiring/retraining your brain to make you a better you.  The mental health benefits she's gained from her efforts are amazing.  Crabby is one of the coolest folks I've come across since I started this road.  She's got such a great, positive, empowering presence.  She's awesome.

After reading these two particular blogs today, I'm again excited for this road I'm on, for the things I'll learn along the way.  I want to use every bit of it to be the best me I can be.


Sunday, May 18, 2014

Thinking inward I am...

...thinking inward.

It's been a quiet Sunday.  There's been so much conflicting chatter in my head the last two weeks and it left me a bit agitated and unsettled.

I had a good night's sleep last night and slept in a little late today.  Hubster and I rocked in the chairs on the front porch, drank coffee, and just talked for a bit.  Then we cooked breakfast - bacon, eggs, and more coffee.

After that, I just did some household chores, laundry, etc.  It was quiet in the house, so it really gave me the opportunity to reflect on what I've been doing, how I've been feeling, and why I've been feeling that way.

I'm not sure I can express it in words, but I'll try.

I've been struggling for so long with weight and some habits die hard.  I'm not just talking about good food and nutrition, but also the habit of accepting my situation for what it is.  These last 4-5 months have been the longest period of time in a very long time that I've stayed the course.  And while I'm not straying, some of those old thoughts and bad habits have been slowly creeping back in.

I've done a good job of getting weight off so far, but then I got anxious, eager, and proud - all at the same time.   I started to get a bit anxious because, wow - I am having success.  Can it really be?  Is there really going to be a light at the end of the tunnel?  Can I do this for the long haul?  That thought process turns into this feeling of eagerness that yes, I can do this, but why don't I just speed it up and lose as fast as I can?  It leads me to the exact same thoughts and feelings I had when I would be excited about some new weight loss program and then be disappointed when I didn't lose 30 lbs in 30 days.  The woman at Costco brought this to the forefront.

In the midst of all this, I feel proud that I have been successful.  And success deserves a reward, doesn't it?  These are fine, but I really can't handle them.  The occasional treat turns into a regular treat.  Not even big treats really, but a taste of this, a taste of that, a little more of this, some more of that.  It adds up to treats not being the exception but the rule and putting me right back to where I started.

I'm glad to see what I've been doing and correct it; to put the last week or so into perspective and to catch myself before I did any real damage and/or lost sight of my goals and quit.

I don't know how or why the angsty feeling is gone, but it is and I'm glad.  I feel like I'm in control again, that my path forward is clear, and that I can do what needs to be done.  I don't have to be perfect - I just need to keep moving forward at whatever pace it takes.  I'm gonna go from there.


Saturday, May 17, 2014

The woman at Costco I am...

...thinking about the woman at Costco.

Hubster and I made our weekly Costco run today along with a short trip to Southern States so we could look at chickens and coops.  Yes - I've almost got him convinced.  I've even got the place for the coop.  Excitement abounds!

Anyway, I'm a greeter.  I say hello to most everyone and that includes the folks at Costco.  Today, I started talking with the demo person (she was demoing the pesto sauce with cheese tortellini).  I took one of the little cups and commented on how good it looked.  The demo lady agreed that it looked good and then said she couldn't have any.  I asked why and she said it was because she had lost 97 pounds since FEBRUARY!  She immediately had my attention.  She said she was doing Atkins and staying in the induction phase of the plan.

Well - let me tell you.  I was happy and excited for her.  I was also jealous as hell.  I was jealous as hell while I popped that stupid tortellini in my mouth.  I mean I've only lost 31 pounds since January and she's lost 97 since February?!?!?!  That's 30 lbs a month!  Truth be told, that seems almost unbelievable to me.  But, she and I are two different people.  Perhaps she has a better metabolism, perhaps she doesn't have thyroid issues, etc.  BUT, perhaps she's very focused; perhaps she doesn't deviate even an iota from her plan; perhaps she stays on the low end of food intake; perhaps she's exercising, etc.

Of course, it's in my personality to minimize my own success in the face of her seemingly bigger, better, greater success.  After I talked with her, I did indeed feel a bit deflated.  I had a "why can't I lose weight fast like that?" sort of thought process going on, but then I started taking stock and tried to NOT compare myself to her or anyone else, but rather to make sure I'm doing the best for me.

My weight seems to be in a bit of a lull - part of that is life, part of it's me, and part of it's biology.

I've been quite busy the last week or so.  As a result, I've allowed my mind to drift from this issue of my weight loss and health.  I've not gone BSC or anything, but I feel that I've not been as prepared as I need to be.  I don't think I have that "hyper"awareness I had when I first started.  This is not a good thing.

I also seem to have a difficult time learning some lessons, but I am getting better.  I've allowed myself to have a few "little things" that aren't conducive to me achieving my goals.  There's nothing particularly bad, sampling the food at Costco, for example.  BUT, those "little things" can become "regular things" and my ass has the possibility of being silo-size again.  I've got it down to barn-size and if I want to get it to shed-size, I can't let the focus slip.  So, I've got to refocus and keep up the awareness.

The third thing is biology.  Menopause...PLEASE hurry up!!!  Before I started all this, my weight would increase anywhere from 6-10 pounds when I had a period and I looked like a tick about to explode.  The water weight seems to be about 3 lbs now and my ankles, as well as the rest of me, doesn't look quite as puffy.  I'll say one thing though - my sodium is off the chart the last few days.  I usually average about 1900-2000 mg per day.  Three of the last four days my sodium has been more than 3300 mg per day.

Having said that, I realized some successes this week - some non-scale victories if you will.

First, the 18's I ordered arrived.  And I can zip them up!!  I think I'm about five pounds away from wearing them in public.  Yeah me!

Second, and this seems a little strange to me.  During one of my last WW go-rounds, I got my weight down to 251 and the clothes I had were a little baggy.  Those VERY SAME clothes are TOO BIG at my current weight of 258-259.  I don't quite get it, but I tend to think I'm losing belly fat due to the lack of sugar.

The third thing is quite simple.  I'm still here!  I'm so far from perfect it's not even funny.  I fall often, but damn it, I keep getting back up!  I mean seriously, I can't get 30 pounds into this and quit.  Hell - I'm 1/3 of the way there!!

I'm struggling - but I'm not counting me out!

I read an article in the New York Times today that talked about calories, fat, sugar, and the basic American diet.  It's an interesting article.


Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Hump Dayyyyyyy I am...

...I'm so happy it's Hump Day - I'm already ready for the weekend.

The weather around here has been a little wacky.  It was close to 90 one day, but then was only in the mid-60's today.  We expected some heavy rain last night, but it didn't happen at our house even though it rained cats and dogs about a mile away.

We walked around the yard this morning before work.  The tulips are gone, but the crocus' are in bloom and beautiful!  They're my new favorite flower of the moment!

The scale was up a hair this morning, but it is THAT time so there's not a whole lot I can do about that.  Food choices were good; protein was higher than normal due to some mixed nuts I had mid-afternoon.  Why does it seem some women are hungrier when they're hormonal??

Being the nerd I am, I calculated today that given my current weight loss trajectory, I'll be at 175 around mid-July 2015.  In one sense, it doesn't seem like such a long time away.  It's a date that's not too far in the future.  On the other hand, there's a lot of days between here and there.

There's a part of me that really wants to lose this weight as fast as I absolutely can.  I'd like to be one of those folks who loses 100 pounds in 8-10 months.  I mean I'd LOVE to be at 175 at Thanksgiving or Christmas of this year.  Could I do it?  Well, first of all, that would take a shitload of discipline and a LOT of restriction with little to no leeway.  Those two things combined seem like a recipe for least for me.  And no, I don't think I could do it.  Even if I could, I don't think I'd be able to keep it off for more than about 42 seconds and I'd be a wreck.

While I've had a few slips - and we all know what they are - and they've pissed me off, they've never really made me want to give up and quit.  And while I haven't hit a plateau so far, the scales have periodically been stubborn.  All that's made me do is rant and rave a little bit and made me really look at what I'm doing.  Again, it's not made me want to give up and quit.

What I am learning is that I can lose this weight, albeit slowly, without making myself crazy.  I know I bitch and moan about it sometimes, but I do feel like I'm learning how to DO all this stuff - from knowing what I'm eating to learning to put food in its proper perspective to not having a sense of desperation about food.  Hopefully, I'm learning the lessons that are gonna help me in the long term and help me keep this weight off forever.  It's kinda strange too - when I think that I've lost 30+ lbs or when I think I've lost 30+ lbs in the last 4.5 months (and those two two distinct and different thoughts), it doesn't seem like it's been such a long time.  On a daily basis, it might seem slow, but in the bigger picture, it's been no time at all.

I think about how I felt when I wrote my first post and compare it to how I feel now - it's a world of difference.  I can only imagine what it's gonna be like to be at all those various points in the future.  I've got 82 different pounds to look forward to to get where I want to be.  I want to make each one count.


Tuesday, May 13, 2014

A New Day I am... the end of a new day.

I had a good night's sleep last night and had a busy day at work - two very good things.  My mood/outlook is better today and I'm quite thankful for that.  I've absolutely hated the way I've felt for the last week or so.

The scale was down this morning, so I'm thankful for that.  I would like to see 249.9 by May 30.  Don't know if I'll make it since we're halfway through the month.  We'll see what happens.  I thought that I might reduce my calories - seems like I say that every few weeks - to around 1400 a day.  Right now I generally eat about 1700 +/- 100 calories a day.  It seems to happen fairly naturally and seems to work well for me, so I'm not sure how easy it would be to eat only 1400 calories a day.

I had a new goal-type event occur today.  When I get home from work, I usually weigh when I change my clothes.  Today, it was 259.8 when I weighed.  It's the first time I've been below 260 in the evening.

When I started all this, the goal was to finally lose the weight, but the bigger goal was to be healthy and to determine what I needed to do to be healthy.  Lately, I've been reading about caffeine.  I read that you should only have about 500-900 mg caffeine a day.  Well - I'm WAY outside that range.  I usually have 3 large cups of coffee each day along with a bunch of unsweetened tea - I guess about a half gallon.  That's in addition to the water I drink generally along the lines of about 80 oz a day.  I've always been a big drinker - good thing it doesn't extend to alcohol.  In any event, I've got some more reading to see.  I want to see the studies on which these intake recommendations are based.

The 20's I'm wearing are getting pretty baggy, so I ordered some 18's.  I don't think I can wear them quite yet, but I don't think it'll be too long.  I'm 5''10" and have fairly long legs.  Most stores don't seem to carry too many "tall" lengths, so I always end up ordering them instead. 

There's a lot going on the next few weeks.  Hubster and I will be travelling separately for work, our daughter is coming home for the Memorial Day holiday, and our son is coming home for a few weeks in between the spring and summer terms.

My travel will be for a week, so I'm trying to figure out how I'm going to maneuver the food situation.  There's going to be a group of us basically confined to a hotel in a relatively small town for an entire week.  I plan to talk with the coordinator to see what's what about the food.  I'm fine taking my own food.

Sorry it's been such a random post, but it's what's in my head!


Monday, May 12, 2014

Regrouping I am...


As I've alluded to a few times recently, I've felt out of focus, off-kilter, and a bit listless.

I don't know where it came from or why I've even felt that way.  I've not been able to really get anything done and I'm not really interested in anything at all.  As I write, I'm looking at two loads of washed laundry just sitting in the basket.

As a result of this mood, it seems that I've gotten off-track weight-wise as well.  The scale was way down - 256.6 on Saturday.  This morning it was up for the second day in a row to show 260.8.  What happened?  How did it fall apart in two days?

Okay, so maybe it didn't totally fall apart, but I sure put a damn big dint in my progress, but the thing is, it wasn't really consciously.  When I had the big cheat a month or so back, I consciously ate the ice cream in addition to a big ol' dinner.

But this latest fiasco?  It just kinda happened.  I forgot everything I've learned in the last few months and went BSC.  I had the mind-set of, 'It's okay, you can have this.  This really isn't so far off from what you've been eating that it will cause you any problems.'  Now, I don't know about you, but I don't think I've really seen breaded fried chicken and mashed potatoes that are sugarless and carbless.  Thinking back on that chicken, I think it must have been dipped in a heavily floured batter because it was thick.  Craziness!

Yesterday was a bit better, but even so I didn't feel that I was in control.  We had streaks for dinner.  Something went wrong with the dry-aging and the outside of the steaks were really tough and they were too done for my liking.  But what did I do?  I ate the whole damn thing anyway.  Eating just for the sake of eating. *smacks self...dumbass*

And then that sneaky, stupid, idiotic part of me who said, "Just ignore it."  Like ignoring it is gonna make it go away.  I did it, and it REALLY pisses me off, but I'm not gonna ignore it.

Today, I tried to get a grip and thought I'd plan my meals for tomorrow.  They're not different than usual - smoothie for breakfast, salad for lunch, and probably salmon for dinner.  You'd think I'd never done this before.  Fixating on this and that - shit that doesn't matter.  What the fuck is wrong with me?!?!?!  I have managed to have a good day today - nothing crazy and all my food was quite reasonable, except perhaps for that 3rd egg at breakfast; two would have been just fine in the omelet.

I'm feeling a bit timid about it all, but I'm here and regrouping.  It's not like I've not made mistakes before, but for some reason this has really bothered me and has made me question my capability for getting this weight off.  I came across the Harry Potter quote above right when I was feeling like I couldn't do it.

The quote reminded me that it really is my choice to do this.  I've made bad choices, but I've made good choices as well.  Up to now, the good choices have outweighed, by far, the bad choices.  I've got to remember that going forward.


Sunday, May 11, 2014

Chickens I am...

...thinking about chickens.

Before I get to my latest weight loss fiasco, I wanna talk about chickens.

A co-worker friend of mine has chickens and has given us some of the eggs.  Along with the eggs we bought at the organic farm, I believe I'm sold on them.  I told my co-worker that I'd be happy to pay for them, but she refuses any sort of payment.

So...I thought I'd get my own.  Hubster is NOT sold on the idea, but I'm working on him.

I'm thinking of a buff orpington, an australorp, and a brahma.  When grown, they'd provide about a dozen eggs a week - certainly enough for hubster and myself. 

The pictures above are of the three chickens I want:  a light Brahma, a buff Orpington, and an Australorp.  All three of these chickens are generally very mild-mannered, make great pets - like sitting on your lap kind of pets, can handle very cold winters, and are good egg-layers.

I've been reading about raising chickens this afternoon and I've got the perfect place for them.  I remember my grandparents having chickens when I was growing up and being old enough to be able to get the eggs.  I also remember my grandmother telling me to leave one particular egg alone because it was a bad egg and smelled bad.  So what did I do?  I got the egg and threw it against the barn wall.  I was immediately busted because it really was a bad egg and smelled AWFUL!

Anyway - stay tuned.  I have more reading to do and a mind to change before chickens come to roost at our house.

The scale was WAY UP this morning.  All as a result of dinner last night.  While I asked the server about how the food was prepared, the chicken skin was nice, thick, and crunchy, which really can only mean that there was a lot of flour.  I also had, at most, 2/3 cup mashed potatoes.  In the end, I think the biggest problem is sodium as usual.  We'll see how it plays out.  Regardless, it's over and done and now I have to face the music...of the scale.  I don't know if I subconsciously let me guard down, if I subconsciously didn't give a shit, or what.  I could have made better decisions, but didn't.

Two other interesting consequences of last night's meal was that I slept for shit and when I did sleep, I had bad dreams.  I've heard of that happening when you eat food you're not used to eating and/or when you eat late at night.  Yuck.

After I weighed this morning, I considered not saying anything at all.  I mean, it would show that I'm not perfect, not successful, and a big fake.  But that's an old, bad habit that's screwed me in the past.  It's reminiscent of "if you don't talk about it, it didn't happen, so you didn't overeat, so you couldn't gain weight and if you did, it's not your fault" bullshit train of thought.  The very thought process that I need to be aware of and on the lookout for at all times.  So I'm spilling my guts for all to judge if they want, but hopefully to understand instead.

For Mother's Day, hubster made me breakfast in bed - a cheese omelet with bacon.  You know I love me some bacon!  As well, he grilled steaks for dinner along with fresh green beans and a sweet potato.  The best part of the day of course was talking with my kids and my mother.  So it's all good.

I'm hoping tomorrow is the beginning of a much better week than last week.



Saturday, May 10, 2014

I'm still here I am...

...and I'm still here.

It's been a quiet day - I don't feel as bad as I did yesterday, but I'm still a little bent out of shape.

The scale took a dive this morning - down 2.2 lbs from the day before.  That's not happened before, so I'm not sure what's happening, but I'll take it.

We made our weekly Costco run this morning.  When I looked in the cart as we were standing in line to check out, I was really proud of our selections.  The cart was filled with good, nutritious food and no processed food except for the tzatziki, which is highly processed but hubster loves it.

The afternoon was quiet and low-key, which is what I needed.  I was going to pick up my old friend, but he wasn't feeling well.  I did take progress photos today, but they're all too dark so I'll do them again tomorrow.  I don't look any different though than I did 10 pounds ago.

We had dinner tonight at a restaurant located in a historic house in a small town near us.  A white table cloth sort of place, but still casual enough.  The food was good, but it wasn't anything to write home about.  As a splurge, we ordered fried green tomatoes because I do love them and only have the opportunity to have them every few years.  They were a bit of a disappointment.  The corn meal was way too heavy and made for a hard coating instead of something light.  Hubster and I are glad we went, but both agree that the hype was more than the reality.  I think we enjoyed the house more than anything else.

Tomorrow is Mother's Day.  It's certainly different now that the critters are grown and out on their own.  I miss them every day and am looking forward to talking with them tomorrow.  For all you mothers, I hope you have a wonderful day!


Friday, May 9, 2014

Reflection in a mirror I am...

...thinking about my reflection.

Just let me say right off the bat, I'm frustrated and damn near ready to cry.  It's been such an incredibly frustrating day.  There were too many straws on this camel's back today.

It started off at a two hour meeting this morning.  It was quite frustrating and the outcome of the meeting cast a pall over the rest of the day.

Since the meeting was so long, I was late for the retirement luncheon...and I had the present!!!  When I got there, everyone was already seated, but they weren't so far along.  I got situated and started to unwind a little bit.  All around me, most everyone was drinking a beer and having lots of bready, scrumptious, I-wanted-to-eat-because-I'm-in-a-shitty-mood kind of food.

So what did I do?  I ordered a diet soda (a treat instead of water/unsweetened tea) and ate salmon and asparagus for my meal.  So yeah - I did fine, but it pissed me off.  How stupid is that???

Toward the end of the lunch, I needed to get back to the lab for yet another meeting.  As I stood up, I saw someone in front of me and realized it was me.  I looked awful.  My hair is stupid looking, my glasses look awful on me, and I'm just so fat.  What am I gonna have to do to look better?  For ME to think I look better?

Is this what other people see when they look at me?

Thirty pounds down and I'm so heavy that for the most part, you can't even tell I've lost weight.

It's just frustrating.

Onward I reckon.

Thursday, May 8, 2014

A long week I am...'s been a long week!

I've been really busy this week and it seems like I've been going non-stop and being pulled in 10 different directions at once.

The good thing about it is that it's kept me on my feet and I've logged about 7000 steps a few days.  Not the best, but it's an improvement.  Mind you, my normal work doesn't require a lot of steps.

My eating has been on track as well, but the scale has been up the last two days in a row.  I believe that yesterday's increase was because we ate out two meals of the three.  This morning's increase was due to the sodium yesterday.  I had bacon for dinner last night - and it wasn't the low sodium bacon.

I got my hair cut OFF yesterday.  It is no longer long, which I'm glad.  I look better with the shorter hair.  While I do like the cut, it's not exactly what I was looking for, but we're on the right track.  It's been difficult to get someone to *REALLY* cut my hair - I don't know what the deal is with that.

One interesting thing I've done this week is get CPR-certified.  I had the certification many years ago, but I hadn't had any refreshers in years.  So I now have my adult, child, and pediatric certification along with AED training.  I'm happy to have the certification, but hope I never have to use it, but also hope that I can if I have to.  The thought of breaking ribs in the process is a little scary though.  I guess it's better than the possible alternative.

My CPR dummies
Another interesting thing I did - just today as a matter of fact - is check into getting a personal trainer.  We have law enforcement where I work and I'm on friendly terms with many of them.  In any event, I saw one fellow in particular today and asked him if he was still doing personal training.  I told him I needed someone to kick this fat woman's ass.  We discussed a few things and decided that he'll come by my office so we can really figure out what we're gonna do.  We have a large campus and a gym, so it shouldn't be too difficult to.  This fellow is a nice guy, but I don't think he'd be one to take whiny excuses from a lazy fat woman.  I have no idea what a trainer costs, so that might put a kabosh on the whole thing.

I've also been organizing a retirement party for a co-worker.  The party is tomorrow and I think it'll be fun.  We're all meeting at a nearby pub for lunch.  I love the gift we came up with.  The guy is a big gardener and loves the beach.  So, we took up a collection and bought gift certificates to a hardware store.  We also bought one of those kids' plastic pail and shovel - you know, the ones they play with at the beach.  All of us have signed the pail and I've filled it with dark chocolate (his favorite).  I've got a shiny pinwheel stuck in the middle.  It's really cute and unique - at least I think so.

It's interesting.  The pail is filled with about 3 pounds of various chocolate squares.  I haven't had one, haven't even thought of having one.  In my ongoing quest to figure out what my food triggers might be, I've discovered it's not chocolate.  But, I've said it before, I don't think my food triggers are from a particular food, but rather a particular emotion.

Finally, I've been reading the book, Pure, White, and Deadly by John Yudkin.  The book was originally published in 1972.  It's amazing.  The information about sugar was available then.  It's too bad that the medical machine of the time touted the flawed idea of saturated fats being the bad guy in our diets.  We'd be a different country if we'd followed Yudkin instead of Keys. 

Anyway, that's about it for now.


Monday, May 5, 2014

My misperception of calories I am...

...thinking about my perception...or lack thereof...of calories.

The scale was down this morning - no bathroom dance needed.  Of course, I'm always pleased with that

Anyway, I was talking with a friend of mine yesterday who is also trying to lose some weight.  Our conversation touched on calories and how they seem to really add up....once you start noticing and taking a real stock.

I've been thinking about our conversation since then and realized that I've had a caloric misperception for about as long as I can remember.  It seems to have expressed itself, at least in my head, in different ways.  That, along with "portion distortion", has contributed to DBA*.

In some of my half-assed efforts of the past, I would eat something, say a chicken breast and estimate a certain number of calories.  I had some idea in my head that since it was a "good food", it couldn't possibly have too many calories.  When I would look up the calorie content, I would be shocked at the listed calories.  So what would I do???  I would tell myself one of two things, either I must have over-estimated the amount I ate or the listed calories was wrong.  Where did THAT come from?  Delusional much??

In the mornings, I usually have a strawberry smoothie.  The smoothie has some strawberries, a cup of unsweetened almond milk, some protein powder, and a little bit of coconut oil, along with a bunch of ice.  I love it.  Anyway, in my head, this smoothie should be about 250 calories.  In reality, the smoothie has about 380 calories.  If someone had asked me how many calories I had for breakfast, I'd say about 400.  This morning, I had the estimated 400 calorie breakfast.  The actual count:  654!!!  That's 63% higher than I would have estimated if I hadn't written it down!

The same thing happens with lunch.  Today I had a salad with romaine lettuce, 5 oz grilled chicken, 1.6 oz goat cheese, Newman's Own Green Vinaigrette, and a serving of sundried tomatoes.  Again, I would have estimated about 350 calories.  The actual count:  459!!  That's 31% higher! 

I was thinking that it must be a failing of those of us who are of a great voluptuous form.  So tonight at dinner - yes, we ate out AGAIN! - I asked hubster about the calorie content of his meal.  Hubster said he thought his meal was about 500 calories.  I don't know if he was screwing with me or not,  but he was way off!  His meal consisted of two beers, a side salad, and 15 boneless wings with sauce.  When we got home, I checked - he had almost 2000 calories!  How is that man not the size of a barn???

As an aside, I got five traditional wings (no breading) and a salad.  I would have figured that I had about 500 calories.  The actual damage:  781!!!  That's after deconstructing the salad!!!

I've been tracking calories after the fact for a while now.  It seems to be working out for me.  I try to eat something reasonable and within my personal given parameters and then add it all up.  For the most part, I stay within a 200 calorie range with the average around 1700.  Today was a higher day, the last two days were on the lower end of the range.

The thing is that I was pretty satisfied and satiated with what I had for dinner.  Then I stopped and remembered what I used to eat at a wing place.  We'd usually split one or two appetizers, I'd have 20 wings with fries, and usually a beer - maybe two.  Even more than what hubster had at dinner tonight.  That's amazing.  And that was only dinner!!!!  I'm not sure I could eat all that at one sitting now if I tried.  I mean, I was pretty satisfied when we left tonight.

The other thing is that I thought that what I was eating before was okay and that I was probably eating about 800 calories.  Somehow the math always worked out in MY head that I wasn't eating too much.

And I wondered why I wasn't able to lose weight and, in fact, was gaining weight.  I'm starting to think it wasn't a thyroid problem.


 *DBA - Donna's Big Ass

Sunday, May 4, 2014

Some inner thoughts I am...

...thinking about some of my inner thoughts.

It's been an odd few days.  I was feeling pretty unsettled a few days ago.  I was never able to put my finger on what it was.  Who knows?  It's gone now.

This is an aside, but do you ever have the feeling the rug is about to be pulled out from under you?  That you're a fraud and folks are gonna find out and take it all away from you??  As I was doing laundry this morning, I had that feeling.  I thought to myself, "Geez Louise - you've lost THIRTY POUNDS on your own."  I felt awesome for about 2.4 microseconds.  The very next thought was, "You'll never get it all off.  You're going to gain it all back.  Go ahead and give it up girl."  For a second, I gave in to that feeling, felt awful, and thought that maybe it was all futile and undoable.  But THEN, I thought, "What are you talking about???  I *am* doing it."  I haven't had such a negative inner thought like that in a while.  So to that negative me, "Fuck you".

My efforts are constantly on my radar.  At this point in the journey, I think it's necessary.  But every once in a while, I feel like my efforts are contradictory.  When I started on this path, I knew that whatever I did, I would have to do forever.  I think I finally understand that. 

In order to do this forever, I feel that I need to make some serious permanent changes, but at the same time make allowances.  These allowances were and still are to some extent, ill-defined.  At the very same time, I also feel that I need to be fairly restrictive in order to get the majority of the weight off and that too much variance from the stated path is the road to disaster.  Plus, I can't beat myself up.

It seems like these two ideas are contradictory, but I kinda think they're just two different sides of the same coin.  Both have the potential to lead to great success; both have the potential to lead to disaster.  It's all in the execution.

Too restrictive and not allowing myself any 'allowances' and I'm liable to fall off the deep end and screw up any progress I've made.  Too lenient and I'm liable to start making excuses for the 'allowances' and forget that I'm trying to lose weight.

At this point in the journey, I think I'm doing a pretty good job of walking the edge of the coin - that's sounds dangerous, doesn't it???

Most of my 'allowances' so far were not beneficial and didn't lead me to a better path.  And while I did beat myself over the full-sugar ice cream, I learned a lot from that incident.  I learned that my emotions do get in the way, that I do fool myself into thinking it's fine, and that I somehow seemed to think that the calories in an 'allowance' really didn't count towards adding poundage to my ass - free calories as it were.  Boy was I wrong on that!!  I paid for that for ice cream for a week!

I record my food on fatsecret.  The website has a lot to offer with support groups, etc., but I generally don't participate.  Anyway, the other night while recording my food, I saw a woman post that she had gone to a Mexican restaurant and that her weight was up 2 pounds the next day.  She was so frustrated she felt like giving up and just resign herself to being fat.

Seriously?  Are you kidding??  You're gonna give up that easily??  Then I remember that I've done that exact same thing in the past.  Anything but a straight trajectory and I'm done no matter what *I* might have done to screw up the trajectory. 

But from where I'm standing right now, it seems to me that the woman is really missing the entire point.  One meal is not the end.  It's the constant, overall effort that really matters.  Anyway, I made my first fatsecret post that night and told her that she was screwing herself if she did that.  It's a Mexican restaurant!!  How can you expect NOT to show a gain the next day?  Did she really eat 7000 calories?  Plus, unless you go off-menu, it seems difficult to me to NOT gain two pounds the next day with all the sodium, not to mention chips, tortillas, etc.

I get frustrated all the time, but there's never a thought in my mind of quitting.  I'm here for the long haul.  The scale fluctuates all the time, but the trend is DOWN!  Yeah - I bitched about getting below 260, but I'll bitch at 250, 240...all the way to 175.  Besides, I think the scale is self-aware and pissed that I kept it hidden under the towels for all those years.  ;-)

I've taken every setback or screwed up 'allowance' as the opportunity to learn what's going to work for me.  It's not always fun and I sometimes have regret, but it is necessary.  That little tweak in my mindset - from 'I'm a failure and can't do this' to 'What can I learn from this?' - has really been one of the things to keep me going and growing.  Perhaps it's not such a little tweak after all.


Saturday, May 3, 2014

Dinner with hubster I am...

...still thinking about last night's dinner with hubster.

Again, we ate out.  He had decided that he'd like to go to a steakhouse about an hour away from us.  So away we went.  We really do eat out a lot, which has been detrimental to me in the past, but I think I'm learning how to maneuver.  But, for the time being I really do prefer eating at home.

Anyway, this steakhouse is really popular in Texas and we were regular visitors when we lived there, so we were both looking forward to it.  Coinciding with this visit, I've been thinking about adding sweet potatoes to see if I can tolerate them.  They're not something I'd eat on a regular basis, but as an occasional addition.

I was pretty secure in the pre-planned choices I'd made for dinner, but there were a few concerns.  This restaurant has delicious rolls, which CLEARLY have sugar in them.  I've eaten lots of them in the past when we dined, so they made me a little nervous.  As well, they also have steak fries that are also really good.

Directly after we were seated, those rolls were plopped on the table and I swear, I could taste them just by smelling them!  I took a pinch of one and ate it.  After doing that a second time, I got hubster to put them on his side of the table.  I could sense that I was on the verge of eating the rest of the rolls in the basket and then jumping onthe table and asking for refills.  Crisis averted!

I got a steak, along with a plain sweet potato, and a house salad.  Everything tasted great, but I tell ya, that salad was just outstanding!!  The veggies were fresh and cold with a bit of egg and cheese.  The blue cheese dressing was homemade and really added to the salad.  I wouldn't mind getting the big version as a meal in itself.

The steak and sweet potato were as good as we remembered.  Of course, there was no dessert.  We enjoyed the meal quite a bit - it was a nice ending to the work week and a nice date night with hubster.

I was quite interested to see the effects, if any, of eating the sweet potato.  However, there didn't appear to be any - at least not on the way home.  When I recorded my intake last night, I noted that my macronutrient ratios were the same as usual (I am going from the company's nutritional information) and my sodium intake was a little less than usual even though my calories were a lot higher than usual.  I had expected the carbs to be higher than they were.

So - I weigh this morning and the scale is up a half-pound.  I'm good with this and not worried about it.  I mean, the calories for yesterday were high.  Some folks may think this is bad, but I don't.  Sometimes, when I have additional carbs, the weight soars because of the glycogen and water.  Remember that 5-pound overnight gain a few weeks ago when I had the ice cream?  I don't think I'll ever forget it.  Now there's a big difference between an ice cream and a sweet potato, but there's still lots of carbs in both.  I won't have them often, but I was pleased to see that I could have a sweet potato once in a while without curtailing my efforts.

One thing I did notice this morning was that I had terrible borborygmous (isn't that a great word??  Look it up!)  when I woke up and I was quite hungry.  I do think that's a direct effect of the additional carbs because I'm never stomach-growling hungry in the morning.

Thankfully, we ate at home every meal today!  Isn't that crazy??? To be happy to eat at home instead of eating out???  It's just much easier all the way around.

We made our usual Costco run today as well.  As we checked out, I noticed that our cart was filled with fresh veggies.  No processed food to be seen.  It made me feel good to see the choices we made and knowing they will all be eaten.  We also watched The Wolf of Wall Street.  It was a good movie and DiCaprio is really maturing into an outstanding actor.

Food today was a little bit of leftover salmon for breakfast, some thick-sliced bacon for lunch, a few nuts, and then chicken and some really great tasting french beans for dinner.  The calorie count for the day is about 400 calories less than usual, but I'm satisfied.

The one thing nagging my brain is exercise.  I've GOT to figure it out.  I don't think it's gonna do jackshit for losing weight, but I do think it will help me look better and perhaps be a little healthier.  Why can't I get my ass in gear????


Thursday, May 1, 2014

Feeling unsettled I am...

...feeling unsettled.  I've felt like this for much of the day and I don't know why.

But first, the scale finally dipped below the zero!  I've touched on the 250's.  Now I have to get to 255 and then to 249.8.

Oh...I also need to get a pedicure!!!  I was a little embarrassed by those toes, but I was more excited about the stupid scale showing less than 260.

Hubster's 53rd birthday is today.  He wanted to go to lunch instead of dinner, so that worked for me.  We went to a little Greek restaurant that we've been to several times.  It was good, but the next time we go there, I think I'm gonna get two orders of saganaki and let that be my whole meal.  I love the kefalograviera cheese.  Hubster and I split the saganaki and then I had a small chicken breast, salad, and spinach for my meal.

Directly after lunch, I could feel my fingers puffing up - the dreaded sodium!!!  I've been throwing back the water, so maybe that will help.

The afternoon was Day 2 of the student presentations - this time at the local community college.  And guess what???  Those damn brownies were there again today - I swear, they're following me around!  But, I passed them up.  It wasn't difficult, but seriously, how much temptation do I have to face at work????  It's becoming comical.

Dinner tonight was just simple salmon and green beans.

For most of the day, I've felt unsettled.  Hubster said it seems like I'm pre-occupied, but I'm not thinking of anything in particular at all - just vague thoughts with no form.  Strange.  I hope the mood or whatever it is has passed by tomorrow.


259Point8 I am... 259.8.