Well...here I am...
...thinking about some of my inner thoughts.
It's been an odd few days. I was feeling pretty unsettled a few days ago. I was never able to put my finger on what it was. Who knows? It's gone now.
This is an aside, but do you ever have the feeling the rug is about to be pulled out from under you? That you're a fraud and folks are gonna find out and take it all away from you?? As I was doing laundry this morning, I had that feeling. I thought to myself, "Geez Louise - you've lost THIRTY POUNDS on your own." I felt awesome for about 2.4 microseconds. The very next thought was, "You'll never get it all off. You're going to gain it all back. Go ahead and give it up girl." For a second, I gave in to that feeling, felt awful, and thought that maybe it was all futile and undoable. But THEN, I thought, "What are you talking about??? I *am* doing it." I haven't had such a negative inner thought like that in a while. So to that negative me, "Fuck you".
My efforts are constantly on my radar. At this point in the journey, I think it's necessary. But every once in a while, I feel like my efforts are contradictory. When I started on this path, I knew that whatever I did, I would have to do forever. I think I finally understand that.
In order to do this forever, I feel that I need to make some serious permanent changes, but at the same time make allowances. These allowances were and still are to some extent, ill-defined. At the very same time, I also feel that I need to be fairly restrictive in order to get the majority of the weight off and that too much variance from the stated path is the road to disaster. Plus, I can't beat myself up.
It seems like these two ideas are contradictory, but I kinda think they're just two different sides of the same coin. Both have the potential to lead to great success; both have the potential to lead to disaster. It's all in the execution.
Too restrictive and not allowing myself any 'allowances' and I'm liable to fall off the deep end and screw up any progress I've made. Too lenient and I'm liable to start making excuses for the 'allowances' and forget that I'm trying to lose weight.
At this point in the journey, I think I'm doing a pretty good job of walking the edge of the coin - that's sounds dangerous, doesn't it???
Most of my 'allowances' so far were not beneficial and didn't lead me to a better path. And while I did beat myself over the full-sugar ice cream, I learned a lot from that incident. I learned that my emotions do get in the way, that I do fool myself into thinking it's fine, and that I somehow seemed to think that the calories in an 'allowance' really didn't count towards adding poundage to my ass - free calories as it were. Boy was I wrong on that!! I paid for that for ice cream for a week!
I record my food on fatsecret. The website has a lot to offer with support groups, etc., but I generally don't participate. Anyway, the other night while recording my food, I saw a woman post that she had gone to a Mexican restaurant and that her weight was up 2 pounds the next day. She was so frustrated she felt like giving up and just resign herself to being fat.
Seriously? Are you kidding?? You're gonna give up that easily?? Then I remember that I've done that exact same thing in the past. Anything but a straight trajectory and I'm done no matter what *I* might have done to screw up the trajectory.
But from where I'm standing right now, it seems to me that the woman is really missing the entire point. One meal is not the end. It's the constant, overall effort that really matters. Anyway, I made my first fatsecret post that night and told her that she was screwing herself if she did that. It's a Mexican restaurant!! How can you expect NOT to show a gain the next day? Did she really eat 7000 calories? Plus, unless you go off-menu, it seems difficult to me to NOT gain two pounds the next day with all the sodium, not to mention chips, tortillas, etc.
I get frustrated all the time, but there's never a thought in my mind of quitting. I'm here for the long haul. The scale fluctuates all the time, but the trend is DOWN! Yeah - I bitched about getting below 260, but I'll bitch at 250, 240...all the way to 175. Besides, I think the scale is self-aware and pissed that I kept it hidden under the towels for all those years. ;-)
I've taken every setback or screwed up 'allowance' as the opportunity to learn what's going to work for me. It's not always fun and I sometimes have regret, but it is necessary. That little tweak in my mindset - from 'I'm a failure and can't do this' to 'What can I learn from this?' - has really been one of the things to keep me going and growing. Perhaps it's not such a little tweak after all.