Well...here I am...
It's been a quiet Sunday. There's been so much conflicting chatter in my head the last two weeks and it left me a bit agitated and unsettled.
I had a good night's sleep last night and slept in a little late today. Hubster and I rocked in the chairs on the front porch, drank coffee, and just talked for a bit. Then we cooked breakfast - bacon, eggs, and more coffee.
After that, I just did some household chores, laundry, etc. It was quiet in the house, so it really gave me the opportunity to reflect on what I've been doing, how I've been feeling, and why I've been feeling that way.
I'm not sure I can express it in words, but I'll try.
I've been struggling for so long with weight and some habits die hard. I'm not just talking about good food and nutrition, but also the habit of accepting my situation for what it is. These last 4-5 months have been the longest period of time in a very long time that I've stayed the course. And while I'm not straying, some of those old thoughts and bad habits have been slowly creeping back in.
I've done a good job of getting weight off so far, but then I got anxious, eager, and proud - all at the same time. I started to get a bit anxious because, wow - I am having success. Can it really be? Is there really going to be a light at the end of the tunnel? Can I do this for the long haul? That thought process turns into this feeling of eagerness that yes, I can do this, but why don't I just speed it up and lose as fast as I can? It leads me to the exact same thoughts and feelings I had when I would be excited about some new weight loss program and then be disappointed when I didn't lose 30 lbs in 30 days. The woman at Costco brought this to the forefront.
In the midst of all this, I feel proud that I have been successful. And success deserves a reward, doesn't it? These are fine, but I really can't handle them. The occasional treat turns into a regular treat. Not even big treats really, but a taste of this, a taste of that, a little more of this, some more of that. It adds up to treats not being the exception but the rule and putting me right back to where I started.
I'm glad to see what I've been doing and correct it; to put the last week or so into perspective and to catch myself before I did any real damage and/or lost sight of my goals and quit.
I don't know how or why the angsty feeling is gone, but it is and I'm glad. I feel like I'm in control again, that my path forward is clear, and that I can do what needs to be done. I don't have to be perfect - I just need to keep moving forward at whatever pace it takes. I'm gonna go from there.