Thursday, August 28, 2014

Short Blog I am...

writing a short blog tonight.  But I want to check in with myself.

It was a stressful day in a lot of ways - lots of issues at work.  But I stuck with the DIP all day.

The scale was up this morning, but that's okay.  It's totally due to last night's treat; however, the increase was less than expected and will be gone in a day or two.  Water and glycogen...blast the pair!  Having said that, I think I've pushed through my self-caused plateau.

Smoothie for breakfast.  I switched it up a bit.  Well, I only dropped the strawberries, added some instant coffee, fiber (whatever it is in the orange container), and a little olive oil since I was out of coconut oil.  It was yum, but I think I added a little too much instant coffee because it made my tummy feel a little weird.

Lunch was the cafeteria.  It's a buffet-style place, but there was roast pork, so I had that with some egg salad and some watercress.  Odd items to put together, but I liked it.  I don't know why I like the watercress.  It's decidedly green and has a bit of an odd taste - seems to be a hint of bitter rhubarb, but then nothing like rhubarb.  I just checked - only 4 calories for an entire cup!
As with many folks, buffets are challenging, but I've got this one figured out...finally.  I used to be a little bit of this and a little bit of that until I had tried damn near everything, but I've learned I need to make it THIS or THAT.  I'm glad too because we seem to be eating there often enough.

We worked until almost 7 tonight - I didn't even want to think about food.  Hubster had defrosted some hamburgers, so we sat on the patio while he cooked them on the grill.  I had the hamburger with some provolone cheese and that was it.  Kinda weird too, I was glad to be done eating.

The next few weeks are gonna be tough.  I made the comment at work today that people needed to grow some vaginas.  The person I was talking to just stopped, looked at me for a second, and then said, "You changed the anatomical part."  I replied, "Yup, that's cause balls are sensitive and don't do shit.  Vaginas?  They take a pounding and keep going.  They're tough."  I heard a similar comment  not long ago and it's true!  Perhaps it's just me, but there are a few men I know who I wish could grow a vagina!


Wednesday, August 27, 2014

Dessert I am...

...and I've had a good birthday.  I talked with all of my family today, received birthday wishes from friends who referred to me with old endearments, someone sang to me, I received flowers, work was productive, I actually had a productive meeting, and had a nice dinner with hubster.  I was remembered just the way I liked, I didn't have to contend with cake at work, and the scale was below 250!  249.2!!!!!  Is that awesome or what???


But what's on my mind is dinner with hubster.  We went to a steakhouse for dinner because I love steak.  We ordered the appetizer - cheese stuffed mushrooms, some type of fried shrimp, and chicken eggrolls.  I was all about the mushroom and the shrimp, but I left the chicken eggrolls alone.  Carby indeed.  Dinner was a steak with a double salad.

That's all well and good, but the thing on my mind is the dessert.  Dessert for my birthday this year was totally different experience from my birthdays in previous years.  TOTALLY.

As was the case tonight, dessert has always been a part of a birthday dinner (and lots of non-birthday dinners as well!!)  Usually, I would order THE most decadent dessert I could possibly get.  Honestly, my thought process was like OMG I'VE GOT TO HAVE THIS DESSERT, I WILL DIE IF I DON'T GET THIS DESSERT.  WHEN WILL I EVER BE ABLE TO HAVE IT AGAIN?  I'VE GOT TO HAVE IT NOW!!! Somehow I *deserved* the dessert and was almost panicky at the thought of something keeping me from having it.  I would also talk hubster into getting dessert for himself as well because I didn't want to share.  If he didn't want a dessert for himself and I had to share, I was irritated and was actually pissy and a bit possessive of MY dessert - it's like I was never taught to share as kid or something.  I can distinctly remember getting irritated when hubster ate more of MY dessert because that meant there was less for me.  It's almost like a crazed animal was in my head.  In my mind, I wanted to surround the dessert and keep it from anyone else.

That's pretty fucked up, but that's honestly how it WAS.  Food chatter indeed!  More like a food brawl!

For this birthday, I certainly could have said no to a dessert, but I did want a treat (and it was free).  The biggest difference was that I wasn't crazed about it and actually asked hubby what he wanted since I truly wanted to share it with him.  After making the selection of a brownie sundae with vanilla ice cream and whipped cream, I asked the waitress to make sure it was a small dessert.  After we got it, hubster and I shared.  I didn't keep an eye on how much hubster ate; hell, hubster even had the dessert on his side of the table.  After a few bites, I realized that I didn't want anymore.

Do you know what I did?

I put my spoon down and stopped!

That is so incredibly awesome.  But the best thing is that it was natural.  There was no internal argument, there was no fuss, there was no struggle.  I had my taste and my taste was quickly satisfied.  I actually savored it.  I noticed that the first and second bites were about equally good, but the third bite was just okay.  Just okay wasn't a reason to keep eating.

I think I may have learned something - I feel like I got a 100 on an exam.


Happy Birthday to me I am...

A nice present to me from me!

Monday, August 25, 2014

Painful throat I am...

...with a painful throat.

Kinda weird it came on all of a sudden - one hour, I'm fine; the next hour, I can barely swallow.

Stressful day at work, but I took the time to just chill for a few and be thoughtful about the stress and how I was going to deal with it.  Taking that time, even when we don't think we have the time, really does make a difference.  I know it certainly helped me today.

Food was good today.  The only "thing" was that we came home early to have the countertops measured, but after that I had to go back to work to take care of an issue that had been boiling underneath the surface for a few days.

I cut a piece of triple cream brie (love it!) and one thin slice each of proscuitto, salame, and sopressetta and headed back to work.  It was unplanned and on the fly, but I was hungry and didn't know when I'd get back home.

Other than that, I was spot on.  I don't think what I did was bad at all, it's just the unplanned and on the fly part I don't like.  It makes me a little wary since those are the sort of times that can put a chink in the armor.

Drank a lot today, so that's a good thing  Exercise was minimal, but it's gonna be like that for a bit, but I do try to get up and just move.  The walk from the parking lot to one of my offices is 1/4 mile, so that's a little something.

Those 18s were awesome!  I saw my reflection in a mirror and my legs do look decidely thinner and longer.  Being in a new size today was an excellent motivator.

The countertop fellow recommended granite, but I had really only considered granite; now I need to a little more research.  I don't like the idea of having to seal the granite on a regular basis to protect from stains, but I guess it's not such a big deal with the darker colors.

And now I'm off to bed.  Gotta get the sleep in as well.


Sunday, August 24, 2014

Best laid schemes I am...

...thinking of a line from Robert Burns' poem To A Mouse, "...The best laid schemes o' mice an' men."

The thought came about because of some other blogs I've read lately and where I'm at in this journey....and why the hell the scale is doing the up and down....just look to the left.

pfffffftt.  Indeed!

I had the slow realization that I've been unintentionally stressing myself out about this whole thing.  I've written time and again about our grand summer plans.  And all throughout, I made goals for myself.  However, I realized in the last few days that these goals were different than the other goals I'd made over the last 8 months.

I made the dreaded NUMBERED, DEADLINE goals and not improvement goals.  Now don't get me wrong, there is always some ill-defined number goal somewhere in the future.  There's also the goal of losing the next five pounds, or whatever.

In my head I said I had to be below 250 on by the time we went to Austria, then by the time we went to Austin, then by the time August 1 hit, then by my birthday, which is Wednesday.

Like a bird to a glass door, I hit the dates over and over and with each passing date, I still wasn't below 250.  No doubt a goal is to get below 250, but meeting that goal - a weight goal - by a particular date is stupid.  Just stupid.

I just set myself up for failure and frustration.

The second I started making a numbered, deadline goal, things went awry.  When my focus changed from making good food choices and screw what the scale said to feeling that I had to be a certain weight by a certain date, it all went to shit.  Okay - it didn't go to shit, but things got all stalled up.

The funny thing is - some of those old, frustrated feelings have been living at the edge of my mind.  Those feelings that I can't succeed.  Well sure as shit I can't succeed if I'm giving myself such a stupid goal.  Of course, that's going to lead to frustration when I don't meet that goal...repeatedly.

I don't know how that old behavior crept back in, but it did.  And I tell ya - I've been doing what I need to be doing, but I've had to stop myself the last week and just say, "Stop," (which way does that go??  Comma then quotes or the other way around?).  Stop not just to eating something, but saying stop to some bullshit thought that was going to lead me to feeling bad.

Some other things that have slipped lately were sleeping, drinking, and tracking.  I've not been getting enough sleep and I'm sure it affected me with my decisions, with my body, and with my attitude.  Sleep is important, so I've tried to make sure I got enough sleep this weekend and I hope to get more sleep from here on out.

Same thing with drinking - I've not been drinking nearly enough liquids.  Staying hydrated is a big thing, particularly for me what with the one kidney and everything.  I also have an issue retaining water and drinking water helps keep that at bay.

My tracking has been spotty.  I'm going to get back to the tracking to see how the nutrients are balancing out.  Finally, hubster and I were talking yesterday and I made a comment about eating the french fries at Five Guys.  He said, "I wouldn't let you eat them.  I'll keep you from feeling bad later."  The conversation stopped there, but it made me think that he's seen something I'm doing that he's not saying.  I'll ask him about it later, but not now.

I can't measure my success by the number on the scale but rather at how successful I am at making healthy choices for me.  That doesn't mean that it's not okay to want to be a certain weight, but I can't fixate on the numbers.  What's the saying?  It's not the destination, it's the journey.  There's something to be said for that.

This is particularly true if this is a solid, lifelong lifestyle change.  And I have no other choice except for this to be the case.  If my brain makes the right decisions, my body will make the right decisions.

Now having said all this and thinking that I had not made any PROGRESS because the stupid number on the scale hadn't changed, I've got a CSILBILW to tell you about.

I tried on the 18s I bought a few months ago.  I'm pleased to say that I will be wearing them to work tomorrow.  Hubster said they looked really good and that I was ready to wear them - they're tight, but not skin-tight at all, no mushroom top over the top of the waistline, I can button and zip without holding in my breath, and I can bend over and still breathe!

Weird how the scale says basically the same thing as when I bought them, yet I can wear them now, but couldn't wear them then (they were on a great sale).  Do you suppose there's something about this changing body composition thing when the scale is staying constant?  It sure as hell isn't because I've been exercising.

Anyway, I'm glad I realized what I was doing with this numbered deadline goal.  It didn't serve me well in the past and it won't serve me well in the future.


Wednesday, August 20, 2014

Whining I am...


It's been a long, busy week.  On Wednesdays, I'm usually looking forward to getting to the weekend, but I've got day long meetings tomorrow and Friday.  Yuck!

I'm also working on a migraine.  I think the worrying about having a migraine makes the migraine worse.

The thing about the migraine is that I do believe it's hormone-related.  Yannow how you hear about PMS?  Well for me, the "P" is "post" and not "pre".  I've always been a little bit backwards - this is just further proof.  I'm ready for all this to be O.V.E.R.

Plus, my lower back is giving me a fit.  I think part of that is that my ass has been planted in a chair this week.  Usually I'm up and about around work, but not this week.  I wore a pain patch today - on my neck and my lower back.  They really do help, but it's weird to have the topical numbness.

Someone got our debit card number even though we have the card in our possession.  Fortunately, the bank caught it almost immediately.  I don't know what their algorithm is, but I'm mightily impressed.

My daughter got in a wreck yesterday.  Luckily, she wasn't hurt and it wasn't her fault.  Even more fortuitous was the fact that the person who hit her is the general manager of a car dealership.  She said they treated her like royalty.

I've refrained from commenting on Robin Williams and I'll keep my comments minimal now.  Can we let the man rest in peace?  There are plenty of details we do not need to know.  We know what the lesson is - let's take it and use it to help others.  Period.

Food-wise, it's been a good day.  Did a repeat of breakfast this morning and forgot!  But had kiolbassa again.  Lunch was leftover grilled chicken and some asparagus - my step-mother calls them 'spaggars' - I get a little kick out of that.  We didn't leave work until almost 7 pm, so we ate out - a little Peruvian restaurant.  I kept it really simple - rotisserie chicken and green beans.  I was surprised to find that the beans were fresh.  It was a good meal.

Funny thing is the last two days I wore shirts that I passed by in my closet because I knew they wouldn't fit.  But...they did, so that's a big YEAH ME.  In particular, the shirt I wore today is like a long button-down.  It fits better now than when I bought it.  I can also remember a time when I couldn't button the buttons at all particularly around the hips.  And now, there's room.  So yeah, I kept a cool image in my head about it all day.


Tuesday, August 19, 2014

Missing in action I am...

...and I've been missing in action.  But I'm still in the game and full of spit and vinegar!

It's amazing how non-stop busy I've been the seems like.  There is definitely something wrong when I wake up at 5:15 in the morning and my first thought is to go to work rather than go back to sleep!

I have some potentially exciting things happening in my professional life - exciting...and incredibly scary at the same time.  Imagining myself in a particular situation is exciting, but then insecurity sets in.  While folks see me as a pretty strong personality, I'm a mushy ball of mush inside - the opposite of Stuart Smalley - inside I'm never good enough or smart enough and how can anyone possibly like me?

Now that's not all of me - that's the insecure part of me.  The OTHER part of me - the pissy part of me is full steam ahead and there's no stopping me so get the hell outta my way - I can do what anyone else can do and furthermore, I will do it better!

Most of the time, I'm a tempered mixture of the two, which is probably the way to be.  And I think I've gotten a bit of insight into what's what.  If it's about ME, I become very insecure.  If something good happens to me, I feel that SOMEONE (who this someone is, I have no idea) is gonna find out that I'm not smart enough, not good enough...just not ENOUGH and will take everything away from me and make a spectacle of me.  Where the fuck does that come from???  In all of my almost 53 years - that has never once happened to me.   I need to be a better internal advocate for myself. 

But, if it's anything outside of me, it's balls to the wall and let's go.  Does that even make sense?

I got no answers.  (Yeah, it's grammatically incorrect, but I like saying it anyway.)  But, I do know that I'm a bundle of nerves and excitement and insecurity all at the same time. 

Work has been incredibly time-consuming the last few weeks - it's the time of year.  I'm trying to stay ahead of the game.  But I'm being meeting'd to death - it's driving me crazy.

Work is also what's been keeping me from posting.  I meant to post last night, but thought I'd read a few blogs first.  Next thing I knew, I was waking up. 

The scale is fluctuating still, but I'm working on it.  I'm weighing every day and sticking with the meat and veggies.  Kinda funny - we got in the car this morning and I realized that I had forgotten to eat.  Bullshit you say!  But I swear - it's true!  For a minute, I thought about just skipping it, but knew that lunch time was a long way away, so I went back in the house and microwaved a Kiolbassa to eat on the way - I love Kiolbassa and am so glad to find it here.

I'm not drinking (no - not alcohol) as much as I usually do and I think it's causing me to retain some water.  I actually forget and then find I'm thirsting half to death.

Oh - I do have a question for anyone who may be reading.  We're thinking of getting new countertops - any recommendations?  Granite?  Quartz?  I want something sturdy and as maintenance- and stain-free as possible.

Having said all this, I recognize that I need to not let other things get in the way of writing my thoughts down.  It's incredibly helpful and one of the mechanisms - one of the habits - that is gonna make me successful in the long run!  It's certainly contributed to my success so far.

Finally - thanks DivaD for jarring me today - I truly appreciate it.  You're awesomeness is amazing!

Now - back to work!


Tuesday, August 12, 2014

A fine line I am...

...thinking about what a fine line it is between making allowances and completely going to shit.  In my mind, it's like crossing an abyss.

I've really been thinking about my efforts over the last few months - what's working, what's not, how I'm succeeding, how I'm failing.  I'm not thinking in terms of judging, but rather just trying to figure it out.

And I'm not sure I even know how to put it into words.  It's a feeling - like a nascent awareness that I can't fully realize.

When I think back on my past efforts, I never really got off the ground because I made excuses for my behavior, the situation, my emotions - for everything.  And it kept me from getting anywhere.  When I didn't make excuses, I always had a crutch (at least it was a crutch for me) that kept me from having to take total responsibility for my efforts.  If I participating in a points counting program, it was easy to blame a lack of weight loss on the shortcomings of the program even when I wasn't really working the plan.

This time has been different and while I've had, what is for me, great success, I'm still just an excuse away from everything going to shit.  I've learned a lot about myself, but by no means, do I have it down pat.  While I do wish I was further along, I don't regret - most of the time - the fact that I've only maintained the last two months - there's been a lot going on, so maintaining can be seen as a success in itself.

BUT...this is where the excuses come in.

Somehow in the crazy, irrational, food-crazed part of my mind, I've been telling myself that I've hit the proverbial plateau that you always read about.  It has to be a plateau - I had months of success and now I'm juggling the same few pounds.  It couldn't possibly be the fact that I've had too many "little" excursions - you know what I'm talking about - the bite here, the bite there.  Or that I've lightened up on the discipline.  Or that I've strayed, ever so slightly, from the basic tenets of the DIP and the stray is becoming a norm.  Or that it's become acceptable to maintain even though I still have a lot of weight to lose.

The rational part of me told me this morning that I was full of just so much shit. 

Plateau - my ASS.  Excuses - you bet.

There's no reason for me to not be working the DIP.  Like I said, I don't regret the space I gave myself while on vacation, but I haven't gotten back to the discipline needed to get the weight off.  Shit man - it was fun being on vacation, I enjoyed the relaxed eating and not maintaining the accountability for a time.  In my mind with the irrational rationalization, I'm not eating like I was during vacation, so I must be back on track.  But of course, the path is a little bit different; different enough to keep me from making progress.


The pissiness I felt last night about eating out and getting irritated about not getting to eat what I had in my mind really did pull me up short.  It's easy to give in to emotion, but it's dangerous when emotion is tied to food.  The thing is I didn't even realize it until this morning.  It was like a light went off and I recognized the behavior.  Immediate satisfaction with no forethought, giving in - a little here, a little there - and pretty soon you're right back where you started.

I will not let that happen.


Monday, August 11, 2014

Monday...down! I am...

...It's Monday and I had this day down!  It was a pretty good day all the way around.

My eating was on track with a smoothie this morning and then a good salad at lunch.  Dinner was chicken and green beans.

I got a compliment at work today that really made me feel good.  I work with a bunch of smart people and to get a compliment is a rare occurrence, so it really set a good tone for the rest of the day.

We worked late AGAIN tonight.  On the way home, I told hubster that I wanted to go to a Peruvian restaurant we like.  I always get the chicken and it's good.  But, hubster said he didn't want to eat out, but rather just go home.  So that's what we did.  I was a little disappointed and felt a little...pissy...about it, but I got over it.

Now the night is done and I'm glad we ate at home, but it kinda bugs me that I was off-kilter about not getting to eat a particular food...or eating what I wanted when I wanted it dammit.  I hate this particular emotion/feeling because it's neither positive nor constructive and it literally doesn't do my ass any good when I feed the emotion.

All the more reason to stay aware.  It's been a struggle lately, but I'm keeping my shit together and moving forward - it just seems my steps are a little smaller at the moment.

The strides are coming.


Sunday, August 10, 2014

Sunday evening I am... the end of a Sunday evening.

The laundry is COMPLETELY done!  It's not been totally done since June!

Anyway, what the hell is up with the scale?  I was on the verge and in the last few days it's been back up. 

And I know why...

One circumstance led to another and hubster and I ended up having a totally different lunch than we had planned on Friday - sushi.  Not just sushi - but buffet sushi.  I know, I know...sounds a little sketchy, but there's a place that's pretty good and there's never enough time to sit for more than a minute or so.

Buffets are things I avoid, particularly when unplanned and particularly when it's anything remotely Asian.  I ate too much - not nearly too much like I used to eat, but I was a little more than satisfied and felt just a little too full.

We ended up working late on Friday evening.  When we finally left, we took the back way home because the traffic was horrendous.  We decided to stop at a restaurant that looks out on a local mountain - very scenic and pretty.  Hubster got wine - I did not.  We ordered a black bean soup as an appetizer, but I didn't care for it, so hubster ate most of it.  My entree was hangar steak.  It was very tasty, but it was served....with french fries.  I thought it was an odd combination.  I had a few of the fries - maybe 6 and I was good.

When the server brought the dessert menu, tiramisu was on it.  Tiramisu is the one dessert that I will always try...period.  It wasn't good either, so hubster ended up eating it.

I ended up trying too many things and I think it's added some water weight.

I foiled myself...again.

(But let me back up for a minute - I have no idea where the 251 and 253 came from - everything was on target, so it's a mystery as to why the scale was up.  Hubster coming home??  But Friday I can explain.)

Like I said, I foiled myself.  I should have taken better control of the circumstance I found myself in instead of being controlled by the circumstance. 

**bangs head on wall**  I'm such a dumbass.

I guess the only saving grace in all of this is that when I encountered a food I didn't like, I didn't eat it.  I'm specifically talking about the tiramisu.  As I've said before, it's gotta be worth it if I'm gonna stray from the DIP.  It wasn't, so I stopped.  In the past, I would have eaten it all regardless of whether or not it was up to a "standard".  So that's a good thing - a very good thing.

The problem is that I had too many "little things" and while each one individually probably wouldn't have had an impact, taken together they did.  And now that piper has to be paid...again.

I've gotta CTFO on the little things.


Tuesday, August 5, 2014

Getting there...and progress photos I am... ...

...Getting there!

Just 0.6 lbs more and I'll officially be below 250 and in the 240s.  My body has its own sentient awareness that I would really like to see this happen tomorrow morning.

Soooo...we know it's not gonna happen - at least not tomorrow morning!  I think it's nature's way of teaching me patience - something I've never had a whole lot of...ever.

But it is what it is and it'll happen when it happens.  At the moment, I've got my shit together and my ducks are in a row, so there's not a whole lot I can do about it.

Along with the soon-to-be, upcoming scale victory, there are a couple of other side effects of losing weight that I've noticed.  Most folks call these non-scale victories, but for some reason, I hate the term, so I'm gonna refrain from using it.  I'm gonna call it the CSILBILW instead - cool shit I like because I'm losing weight.

The thing I notice most often - and it's just a little thing, but I really like it is that my wedding rings are looser than they've just about ever been.  They separate and move apart from each other, but not enough for them to go over my knuckle.  There've been times that it seemed like they were smashed together because they were surrounded by sausage fingers.

Like I said, it's not a huge thing, but it is a constant reminder.  BTW - the little band on top is the band from the renewal ceremony last month.  I always say I'm gonna get an insanely big, bazillion carat ring, but I don't think I ever will - I tend to keep things quite simple jewelry-wise.  And yes, that is a bruise on my middle finger.

I also noticed today that my knees aren't hurting when I'm walking up the stairs - that's a big deal.

My ankles don't swell up anymore - that's awesome.

My jeans, even when freshly washed, aren't tight at all.  Even though I can wear the next small size, I'm not quite there - soon.

And the biggest thing really - and it dawned on me tonight was food.  I worked a little late tonight, it's Tuesday, and I didn't feel like cooking, so I stopped by the rib place and picked up some nekkid ribs.  I got home, sat down at the table, and ate.  After a few minutes, I WAS BORED OF EATING!!  AND I STOPPED!!!

WTF???  Is this ME?!?!?!  In the past, I can remember hubster going out of town and I'd go for rib night, order a rack of ribs, mac and cheese, and 10 chicken wings...and eat all of it.  I could eat all that because no one saw me - closet eater much?

It is awesomely awesome to me that I ate until I was sated and then stopped.  This is big.  I hope this is a sign of the future.

Anyway, here are two progress photos that I took this morning.  Not the best angle or photos or anything, but there.  I'll put them on my progress page.  I guess it's because it's me, but it seems I look about the same.

That's about it for today.


Saturday, August 2, 2014

Weight Loss Tip of the Day #2

When you see the words "low-fat" or "fat-free", think of the words "chemical shit storm".

Okay - I got this from Gwen's blog, but I liked it.