Sunday, September 28, 2014

Tough Week and Clothes Shopping I am...'s been a tough week.

I had a migraine for three days and now something is terribly wrong with my hip.  It's the lumbar discs causing the pain and sunuvabitch - it hurts!  My cervical and lumbar spine issues seem to be ramping up, so I need to get it taken care of soon.

It's Sunday and because I was out with the migraine one day, I've got to catch up.  I have a huge project that's due Friday, but I committed in August to have it done by 9/30.  So - I'm in the office, sitting on some sort of weird cushion and getting ready to work.  I just wanted to write a few things before I got started.  I've discovered that writing helps me.  I have to make sure that I keep it at the top of the list of important things to do...for me.

Even with the migraine, I had a good food week.  I ate...BUT...I ate at home.  Unlike weeks of the recent past, we only ate out once - Friday night - and even though I had fresh fish and fresh beans, it made a difference.  I think the culprit is sodium.  When we eat at home, I have more control and the the choices are easier, which in turn makes it easier for me to be successful.

One food discovery (at least for me) this week is the combination of brie and almonds.  It was AMAZING!  The combination of the crunch of the almonds and the smoothness of the brie was quite nice and satisfying.  I think I may like that combo even better than the brie and soppresseta.  It's got plenty of protein and fat, so that's another big win.

After our weekly Costco run yesterday, hubster and I went to the local mall and I bought some clothes because of some travel and meetings coming up at the end of the week.  Before I get into the story though, let me tell you about how it used to be.

I always had a sense of foreboding when I had to go clothes shopping.  It had gotten to the point where I couldn't find anything at all in the major department stores that fit me.  This meant that I had to go to the plus size stores.  And to be honest, for a little bit, it seemed I was pushing that limit as well.  Nothing ever fit properly and nothing ever looked right.  Being tall is tough enough, but being tall and fat is even more difficult.

I would usually spend a lot of time crying in the dressing room because I felt so ashamed and so helpless.  Shit - just thinking about it brings tears to my eyes now.  The option of popping into a clothing store to find something cute to wear for whatever reason was unavailable to me.  Plus, I would spend hours shopping and only find one, maybe two, things that were acceptable to wear.  Because of my size, my clothing options were quite limited, and in the end, I would end up buying something that buttoned or zipped regardless of how it looked.

It was some of the most depressing, demoralizing feelings I think I've ever had.  The feelings would last for several days and would lead me to make those promises to myself that I was gonna get my ass in gear and lose this weight - I was gonna go on this diet or that diet, I was gonna do this exercise plan or that exercise plan - I was gonna start right after I had just ONE last big meal.  And so the circle went.

Such a horrible, vicious cycle.  It was totally my fault, but honestly, at the time I couldn't see a way out of the mess I was in.  I couldn't see a way forward.  More than that, I didn't believe I could.

Jump ahead to yesterday.  Every piece of clothing I bought was from a regular department store.  And more than that, I could have bought every piece of clothing I tried on.  The difference was whether or not I liked it on me!  And I must say, I think the choices I made are amazing and look good on me.  They're all a bit more upscale and professional - I'll be smartly dressed!

(NOTE:  I just reread the blog before posting.  I can't believe I said, "...the choices I made are amazing and look good on me."  Not so long ago, those words would not have come out of my mouth.)

One thing that was pretty awesome were some jeans I tried on.  I'm currently wearing Lane Bryant jeans in a size 18, but they're getting a little loose in the leg.  So when I saw Lee jeans, I thought I would try them on.  Since they were in a regular store, I tried on the 20s.  Guess what?  They were too big!  Yeah ME!  Even more important in a weird way, I didn't go back and try on the 18s.  I didn't feel desperate to see it.

The other crazy thing is about clothing sizes themselves.  I bought 15 pieces yesterday - I've got sizes from XL all the way to 3X.  In one case, I've got the same brand in two different sizes!

In the past, buying a 3X would have depressed me to no end.  But the mindset yesterday was totally different.  I bought an XL!!!!  That's the big deal!  Plus, since my options are greater because of my weight loss, I don't have to give undue importance to the size and I don't have to blame myself for the NUMBER in the clothing.

Even hubster was happy.  He used to dread going clothes shopping with me.  How awesome is that?

Instead of yesterday being a horrendously depressing day, it was quite motivating and made me even more determined to keep going to lose the rest of this weight.

Now - I gotta get some work done!


Monday, September 22, 2014

Food stuff I am...

...thinking about food stuff - some of it's funny, some of it's enlightening, but all of it's a lesson.

I've written before about my elder friendly friend, Big T, before.  He's 86 years old and until his stroke 2.5 years ago, he was quite active and lived on his own.  As a result of the stroke, he has severe aphasia and lives in assisted living.  In any event, I usually spend one day of the weekend with him since he only has a nephew that lives in the area and he does like to get out.

We usually go out to dinner when he's with us.  Invariably, he wants to go to a kabob place that he frequented prior to the stroke.  When we were there on Saturday evening, I ordered a chicken kabob and sauteed spinach along with an order of dolmeh to share with hubster.  Big T has ordered the same thing for the last 20 years - and has never varied - chicken kabob with salad with the rice to go.  He never eats the rice, but insists on getting it.

As an aside, my friend just now noticed that I've lost weight.  He indicates that I've lost too much weight and that I shouldn't lose any more.  AT ALL.  THAT'S IT!  (His words).

Anyway, Big T doesn't eat the dolmeh - never has.  On Saturday night, he was insisting that we order more dolmeh, but neither hubster nor I wanted anymore.  But he wouldn't let it go!  Finally, knowing that he had never eaten the dolmeh before, I told him that we would order more if he would eat one.  He said he would eat one after I ordered, but I told him that he had to eat one before I ordered more.  Do you know what he did???

He ate the damn dolmeh!  Both hubster and I about fell out of our chair!  He has never varied his food - not even by a bite - ever before.  Needless to say, I had to order more dolmeh...and hubster had to eat it all!  Big T is a stubborn fellow!

On to a more serious note...

Sunday morning, hubster got up and made coffee while I slept in.  Once I smelled the bacon cooking, I got up.  I mean - it's bacon!  Isn't that enough to get anyone out of bed?  When I got downstairs, I got a cup of coffee and waited for the bacon to finish - we cook the bacon on a broiler pan in the oven, so it takes about 30 minutes.  When hubster took the bacon out of the oven, I saw that he had only cooked 8 pieces.

Eight pieces????  For both of us??!?!?  Can't be!!  I usually have 8 pieces of bacon myself - so this clearly isn't enough even if it is the thick-sliced stuff!

Then I had the realization - oh yeah, I'm a volume food eater.  This is a problem I'm trying to address.  Hubster cooked what he considered to be an adequate amount of food for the both of us.  I had a little talk with myself that if I really wanted more after 4 slices of bacon, I'd get more.  And yannow what???  I was fine and didn't need anything else.  Gotta admit - the fact that I would have had to cook it played in to it a little bit.

Today was another super busy day.  However, we had leftovers at home so that's what we had.  Again, it was interesting.  Hubster and I had to split the steak leftovers - it was probably a 12 or 13 oz steak, so I had 6 or so ounces - plenty to eat, but I wanted the whole damn thing because it tasted good - hubster grills a badass steak lemme tell you!  I had to stop and tell myself to quit being such a greedy bitch about the food.  And again, it was plenty.

Food-wise, it was a successful food day all because we had plenty of leftovers.  Smoothie for lunch and then leftovers for both lunch and dinner.  The thing I notice too is that I'm satiated today.  The choices were good and nutritious and the angst of having to make a food decision from a big menu is absent.  It really does lessen the chatter.

Let's hope that in the long run, it lessens my ass!


Thursday, September 18, 2014

Dodging food bullets I am...

...Dodging food bullets...and succeeding!

It's been another long week.  I've done a good job of staying on top of IT.  However, we've still been eating out - 3 times so far.

Tuesday night was a business dinner, so I couldn't help that.  I had an entree salad and it was fine.  It's kinda funny - I often hear folks say that they have a drink because others are drinking, particularly if it is business-related.  I can honestly say I never feel like I have to drink because others are; nor do I feel that I have to make an excuse for not drinking.  I just don't drink a lot at all.  Actually, I don't think I've had any alcohol since we were in Vienna - it's just not a thing for me.

Last night was another late night at work and the car kinda steered us to the Peruvian place.  It's good, simple, and fast and we wouldn't have to clean up the kitchen for the granite installation today.  But, it was actually pretty enlightening for me and my need - my want - to eat a lot.  I usually get the half chicken with green beans and spinach.  While it's all good-for-you kind of food, it's too much food.  But the server told me that the rainbow trout was good and that I should try it.

My VERY first thought was that a single trout wasn't enough food.  Certainly, I'd need at least two trout to eat to make sure I had enough to eat - that I was adequately nourished!  Surely, one trout wasn't enough for a meal!  Seriously, how full of shit am I???

THEN I caught myself and realized what I was thinking.  Then it became a little internal struggle to make my decision.  I mean, I wanted the fish - I like fish; but I'd get more food if I got the chicken.  I actually argued with myself.  Then I realized that I was just being stupid, plain and simple.  I wanted the fish, I didn't need all that chicken - I'd probably bring it home anyway - so I got the fish.  And it was good!

And guess what???  I was full,  I didn't get hungry before I went to bed, and I didn't feel like I was missing out (I don't know what I was going to be missing, but that was the feeling).  None of things I told myself would happen happened.  I was a little proud of myself and patted myself on the back.

We went out for dinner tonight because we don't have water or a working cooktop because the countertops were installed today.  Hubster wanted a beer so we went to a particular restaurant in Frederick he likes.  We ordered an avocado eggroll appetizer.  It came with five pieces.  I had two, but told hubster to eat the third one - and I was good with it.  I didn't feel hoggish about not having the last piece.  It's so weird to me that I have ever felt like that, but I have and recently to boot!

For dinner, I had a bunless hamburger with a tomato and mozzarella salad.  I ordered the burger without one sauce, but wouldn't you know it, there was yet a second sauce.  I had them re-cook my meal - I didn't want ANY sauce at all.  I feel that since I told the server I didn't want sauce, she should have confirmed the second sauce - particularly since it's not even listed on the menu.

Then I ordered a diet soda - I usually order unsweetened tea or water.  She brought it and it tasted like Dr. Pepper, which I don't like.  Hubster confirmed.  Told the server and she brought another drink.  Again, it tasted like Dr. Pepper.  Finally, I gave up and told her to just bring unsweetened tea!  I was not meant to have a diet soda tonight!

Breakfasts and lunches have been good - originating from home.  It is easy and less stressful to eat from home and I think I have more success without having to worry and fret over the food choices since we don't keep crap in the house.

There's still a lot of work to do for the end of the fiscal year at work and even though there are a lot of long days left, the end is in sight.  Thank goodness for that.

That's it on the food front.  We got the new countertops today and I love them!

Here's a before/after of my kitchen:

And here's a close up:

Hubster and I are both pleased with it.  We'll replace the appliances at some point, but for now they're in good working order and I'm not quite willing to spend money to coordinate the "look" any further.  The granite is called New Venetian Gold Dark.  It seemed like it took forever to settle on the granite and I fretted to no end about it.  But I really disliked the old countertops, we got a good deal on the granite and installation, and both agreed it was time.  So there you go!

I hope everyone is having a fantabulous week!


Monday, September 15, 2014

Monday...check! I am...


It's the end of Monday and it was a good day.  I've had two good nights of sleep, so I was able to get up this morning, and get going.  I made lunches from leftovers and had a smoothie for breakfast.

I had some nuts for a snack and then some mozarella with sopressata and proscuitto when we got home.

We had the pre-cooked cooked chicken stuffed with wild rice and mushrooms that we bought at Costco along with some fresh green beans for dinner.  The beans were awesome; the chicken kinda sucked.  We won't be buying it again and hubster will have the leftovers for lunch while I take the leftover pork loin.  The problem with the chicken was that it was over-marinated and had a too-smooth texture that just wasn't appealing to me.

When I woke up this morning, my first thought was, "All I have to do is today."  It might not make a whole lot of sense, but it was the thought I had and kept me a bit centered, a little calmer, and helped me breathe.  I reminded myself of that thought several times today - it kept me from getting all riled up n'shit.

Instead of trying to do 50 things to get my ducks all lined up again, I'm going to do two things:  1)  Get enough sleep, 2) take it one day at a time, perhaps even one hour at a time.  If I'm rested I think I'll be able to make better decisions and stay on top of the negative stuff that creeps in.

Hubster commented this evening that he thought it was the PMSing that led to the disaster that was late last week.  He could be on to something, but that's the first time it's happened, so who knows?  I just don't want it to happen again.

It still kicks my ass how I, how anyone, can do so well for such a long period of time and then everything goes to hell.  While it is true that the failure isn't in falling, it's in not getting back up.  But still, the process is a mystery to me.  I thought today that I had a glimpse into what caused it for me, but then almost as soon as I had the thought, it evaporated.  What is the first chink in the armor that leads to falling off the wagon?

What do I need to do to keep it from happening again?  How do I keep the determination, the strength to keep going?  It will come, but I almost think there's some sort of mind block that's keeping me from thinking too deeply about it.  Does that make sense?  Like there are other things I have to figure out first, but I don't know what they are.

But like I say every time I I am...and I'll succeed, and fall, and regroup, and keep on for as long as I have to.  I don't have to be embarrassed about being fallible and I'll be here in the end.


Sunday, September 14, 2014

Fell off the wagon I am...

...I fell off the wagon.

That's it pure and simple.  I not only fell off the wagon, I fell into the damn ditch.  And because of it, I feel like a complete failure.  I gotta get my shit together here.

I won't go into the details, but it has been very stressful at work lately.  That's not an excuse by any stretch, but because of the work schedule I've put everything else on the back burner and have taken the easy way out.  For instance, our meals last week.  Of the 21 meals, we ate out 16 of those meals.

I didn't go to Costco last weekend, we didn't have anything prepared for the week, and since we weren't eating at home, we didn't have any leftovers to take to work.  Because we were working so late, we'd just eat out and basically go to bed.  In the mornings, we'd either go in early or sleep in a little and then be rushed to get to work.

We were still at work at 7:30 Friday night, so again we decided to eat out.  I made a quick reservation and we went to a popular restaurant.  Even though we had a reservation, we were late getting seated.  When we sat down, I was just d.o.n.e.  I made some initial poor decisions and it went downhill from there.  I didn't even think, I just ate.

Yesterday was better, but not by a lot.  We had to go to northern Virginia to pick out some granite.  Virginia is beautiful, but even on the weekend the traffic is a total bitch.  I don't know how folks there aren't crazy because OF the traffic.  We had initially planned to grab some breakfast at a restaurant, but I had breakfast at home and hubster got something from the drive-thru.

It took much longer than expected to pick out the granite, which made me several hours late picking up my elderly friend and caused him to fret a bit.  By the time we were completed with the granite selection and got everything scheduled and in order, we were hungry so we stopped and got lunch before we picked up my friend.  Again, I ate too much.

On the way home, I felt terrible - like I had been drugged.  It's all the shit I ate the night before plus lunch.  I was so glad to get home and just chill for a while.

About 7:30 my friend was ready for dinner, but hubster and I were both still full from the late lunch.  We went to dinner - but I just beyond eating.  I ate a few bites because my old friend will really fuss - he fussed anyway - but I just couldn't.

When we were finally home for the night, I fell into bed thinking I'd watch SNL, but I saw about 4.2 seconds.

Luckily, I slept well last night.  The night was cool, the windows were open, and hubster slept in the other room (because I was gonna watch SNL).

Hubster and I had planned to go to work today, but I realized that I just had to STOP.  Things have gotten out of control and I've put myself dead last and that's causing me to make bad decisions and it's weakening my resolve.

This is not a positive direction.

So instead of going to work first thing, hubster and I went to Costco and got all the stuff we needed to make sure we can eat at home even when we get home late.  Not only is eating out bad for my ass, it's bad for our wallet.  We bought some pre-cooked meats with little/no fillers for those nights we work late.

As I was putting the groceries away, I realized I was a ball of stress.  I feel like I'm failing in all areas - I feel like I'm barely keeping my head above water at work, the house is a wreck and there are only two of us here, and I'm losing my focus as far as getting this weight off.

I told hubster what I was feeling and that I was gonna just stay home and take care of household chores and figure out what the hell I'm doing.  He told me I was wrong - that I was doing just fine.  But then - and I know he was only trying to help - he starts talking about all these things he's going to let, not let me do as far as food goes.  This really irritated the shit out of me because it's really not constructive at all.  In fact, it's quite destructive.  He's trying to be helpful - I get that.  But at this point, I can't deal with that type of "help".  Typical man, he's gonna fit it and he doesn't even understand what "it" is!!!  Besides, he can't let or not let me do anything - that's a whole 'nuther Oprah!  So until I can get my focus back, I don't think I'm gonna talk with hubster about "it".

Is it just the stress that's caused me - allowed me - to make bad decisions?  I realize I MUST, it's an absolute requirement, to take at least a little time to care of myself - particularly where food is concerned.

How do I keep and maintain my focus on losing weight when there are other things that are DEMANDING my time and focus?  I hate to say "focus on losing weight" - a better choice of words would be "focus on healthy eating".  It almost feels that I have to have a laser, 100% focus on eating in order to be successful.  I don't know how to make it all work.  I do know that saying, 'oh it's a stressful time of year' isn't an excuse to eat like a pig, but that's exactly what I did.  No more.

I've got to keep THAT focus - be on the lookout for those bullshit excuses and prepare ahead to make it easy to make the good decisions.

This whole thing depends on me and to be honest, I'm a bit unsure...a lot unsure...that I can do it.  But fuck it all, I'm not giving up or giving in.

Oh - and I started.  Great.  Just great.


Thursday, September 11, 2014

Just getting home I am...'s 9:30 pm and we just got home from work.  The rest of the fiscal year is gonna be tough.

I could probably get my ass in gear and prepare food ahead of time or something, but it seems like everything else is taking precedence.

After work tonight, we went to a Peruvian place on the way home.  I ordered the half-chicken, green beans, and black beans with white rice.  Once we received our order, I thought about how I eat too much and realized at the same time that I wasn't starving.

I ate the wing, leg, and thigh, about half of the green beans, and a few bites of the black beans/rice.  Hubster has a very nice lunch for tomorrow since he'll have the leftover breast and remaining veggies.  I have a lunch appointment, so I'll be eating spinach and chicken.

About dinner though - normally, I would have eaten all of it.  And to be totally honest, I initially thought of ordering the quarter chicken, but ordered the half chicken anyway.  Habitual decision, but not a good one.  I think I saved the situation by only eating what I needed to be sated and eat too much.

My idea of what I need is clearly out of whack.  But I got the upperhand this time.


Wednesday, September 10, 2014

Head above water I am...

...trying to keep my head above water!

It's the end of the fiscal year for me at work and it's causing a LOT of early mornings and late hours.

Even though it's a tough time, I think I'm doing a pretty good job of keeping it together food-wise.  I'm trying my best to track my food - I'm not 100%, but close.  Even when I don't track a meal, it's not because I'm "cheating" or fooling myself - I'm eating the right food.

As I said before, it's clear that I'm eating too much - too much protein in particular.  I've been trying to be very mindful of that.  So what I've started doing is having extra high-fiber veggies with my meals.  For example, the other night we had cooked flap steak in the crockpot all day with a bunch of mushrooms  I weighed out 6.5 ounces, but then loaded up on fresh beans and broccoli.  It really was quite satisfying.

I think this is very good and perhaps a path in a more positive direction, but I'm not sure it's the right way.  The problem still remains that I'm eating a lot.  Does it matter that it's veggies instead of protein?  Or sugar?  Or fat?  I don't know. 

Is there a difference between eating a lot and eating too much?  I think it's a fine line.  I think eating too much of "insert food at hand", is my issue.  Previously, I ate too much of everything and that included sugars and other empty carb-type food.  When I stopped eating those foods and totally removed them from my diet, it changed my world.  But now, the benefit of not eating those types of foods has diminished - but only weight-wise.  There are ton of other benefits of not eating added sugar.

So now I'm encountering my real issue.  It's gonna be a bitch; but let's just say I can be the bigger bitch.  Somehow that doesn't sound entirely positive.

We had our countertops measured today.  We've decided on Giallo Fiorto and pick out the slab on Saturday.  I backed out of our first choice due to its provenance and quarry ownership.  I'm excited to get these countertops.

I was supposed to go to the dentist directly after the countertop guy left, but he was so late I had to cancel the appointment.  It was too late to go back to work, so I took a nap!!

I haven't taken a nap during the day in a LONG time.  It was refreshing, luxurious, and awesome!  I wish I could take a nap everyday.  I surely needed that nap.

When hubster got home from work, I was still asleep.  He woke me up and said he wanted wings, so off we went.  On the way there, it popped in my head that I wanted a hamburger.  I don't know why that popped into my head, but there it was.

When we got to the restaurant, I looked through the menu...and ordered a hamburger.  It was AWESOME!!!  They had a build your own hamburger with a choice of toppings and sides, so I got it without bread and with a side salad.  Blue cheese is my cheese of choice when eating out.  And let me tell you - I think it was the best hamburger I've ever had.  There were lots of veggies, the meat was perfectly cooked, and there was just enough blue cheese.  The side salad was a side salad, and I stole a few wings from hubster.  When I was done with the meal, I was satisfied and not stuffed.  I tracked it all and I did a good job.


Saturday, September 6, 2014

Hubster's coming home I am...

...happy that hubster's coming home.  He's been to see his parents for the last week and I've had some good alone time.

It's been a quiet week - just going to work and coming home for the most part.  I'm good with monotony that way - it gives me good regrouping time.

Went to dinner with a friend of mine for a belated birthday dinner last night - (waves at H!!!).  It was really a lot of fun.  They gave me a free dessert - ice cream - it held no thrill, though I had a few bites. That few bites of ice cream was the only "excursion" since my actual birthday.

I've been diligently tracking this week and I may have discovered the reason for my stalled weight loss.

And it's a BIG problem.

I eat too damn much food!  I eat the right food, but I eat too much of it.  A keto way of eating works well for me because it's not really too difficult for me to give up the carbs.  The problem comes in from the protein.  I'm a huge carnivore and I can eat a huge ribeye or porterhouse without a problem.  Add a salad and a few veggies, the calories add up fast.

But the problem is not the calories.  The problem is that I'm eating too much and while I'm not feeling stuffed or anything, it's still too much.

I'm going to try and keep my protein intake at about 30-40 grams per meal.  Supposedly, a minimum of 30 grams at mealtime will help you maintain muscle mass. 

My calorie intake has averaged around 2200 per day.  While I don't count calories per se, 2200 calories is too many on a daily, rolling average basis if I want to continue my downward trend.  Perhaps continue is the wrong word - 'restart' is more appropriate.

No lie - I think this is gonna be difficult for me.  There were some discussions a while back about trigger foods.  I still don't think I have trigger foods - I just like to eat food whether it's a steak, a bowl of pasta, or a pile of beans.  If it tastes good, I'm in. 

Eight months into this, I thought I would be further along.  I've gotta figure out a way to make this work.


Tuesday, September 2, 2014

Apostrophe t I am...

...thinking about how that 'apostrophe t' can really be the difference between success and failure.  What's the saying?

Whether you think you can or you think you can't, you're right!

Henry Ford said that.  You might read that and topically think, 'yeah right, okay, whatever', but if you stop and think about it, it's true.  And while the choice of whether you can or you can't is simple to say; in reality, it's not necessarily an easy choice to make, to believe, or to put into all.  For me, it takes bravery - real courage - to believe that I CAN, especially when I've spent so much time thinking I can't.

I've wasted so much time thinking that I can't or couldn't or shouldn't or wouldn't - all it's done is get in my way and kept me from doing what I want to do/be, perhaps even what I'm meant to do/be.  I don't know about other people, but for me, I don't need other people to get in my way because I get in my own damn way often enough.  I am my own worst enemy.

It's always been exacerbated by the fact that I added 'be perfect' to this little ol' verb.  If I COULDN'T BE PERFECT, if I COULDN'T do it EXACTLY right, if I COULDN'T follow a straight line...

...well then, it wasn't worth doing, wasn't even worth trying.  I gave up before I even started, before I even knew whether I truly could or couldn't.

This thought hit me this morning while I was taking a shower after I weighed.  The scale was at 251.8.  Yup, I've been here before.  For just a quick minute, I had this overwhelming self-doubt and  felt like all my efforts have been a sham, like someone was gonna come walking into the bathroom and say, "you're a fake, you don't know what you're doing!  Just look at you - you're at the same place you were at the beginning of August, or the summer, or whatever."  And then BOOM - all of a sudden, I would be back at 290 with no success at all, still can'ting.

And then I thought, "Bullshit!"  I CAN do this and I WILL do this.  Why do I tell myself that I CAN'T when obviously I CAN?  I've lost weight - successfully lost weight - healthily, and on my own terms. 

Then all at once I thought, I track my weight every day, but the lack of progress lately is frustrating.  I really liked it much better when there was a solid downward trend, not this back and forth I've been struggling with lately.  But wait a minute, I was getting off track a few weeks back, but I realized it and got back on track - on the straight and narrow.  And I'm STILL on track and doing my level best to try and figure out what's going on.  Is it something I'm doing?  Do I need to change something?  Have I unknowingly changed something?  Do I need to get rid of something?

And THEN I realized that the TRUE success here is that I'm not giving up, I'm not even harboring thoughts of giving up.  I want to figure it out so I CAN be successful, so I CAN continue to get where I need to be.

In the span of I'm sure just a few seconds, I turned it around and it made all the difference in my outlook.  I've not always been able to do that.  As I said before, I COULDN'T.  But now, I CAN.

Sometimes, for me, it takes a lot to have the confidence to believe that I CAN.  It takes a lot to tell those negative voices to go fuck off.  It takes a lot to lose weight in front of people who have seen me fail so many times before.  But I'm not doing this for anyone but me.  ME only.  Not my husband, not my kids, not my family, not my friends, just me.

I feel like I'm slowly developing this inner strength I didn't know I had.  At the moment, it's like a little kid peaking around the door at bedtime, but it's there wanting to come out.

There's something about self-forgiveness in there as well, but at the moment, I don't have the words to describe it.

On to lighter matters...

I *love* brussel sprouts.  Since hubster is out of town, I made some on Sunday.  I don't think I can eat them anymore.  They usually make me a little...ahem....gassy, but I swear, I think I'm developing an allergy to them or something.  I had THE worse stomach ache ever yesterday, the bloating was INCREDIBLE.  I mean, I thought I was gonna have to call the ambulance or something.  Hubster calls me while this is going on, so I tell him I'm worried.  Yannow what he does????  The little shit LAUGHS!  He realized right away it was the sprouts.  I feel much better today, but boy is hubster in for it when he gets home.  Laughing at me...when I'm in pain no less!!!  PFFFFTTT

The final thing is that I'm wanting salt lately.  Anyone else like that?  I've actually been adding salt to some of my food, which I never do.  I might try to read up on it and see if there's a particular reason.