Tuesday, December 30, 2014

Another good day

Well...here I am...

I've had another good day and I'm thankful for that.

It was a busy day.  I'm not feeling the greatest, but I was able to start tackling the paper monster and I've got 5 large trash bags of shredded paper to show for it!  I also started organizing the basement a bit for the big move.  I surely don't want to carry all this stuff across the country.

The food front was good.  I had more of a brunch than either breakfast or lunch, so that was fine.  My son finished a wintermester class today - talk about an intense online course - and wanted to get ribs since it's rib night.  So - we went out to dinner.

But it was all good - there was plenty opportunity to screw up around, but I wasn't tempted at all - no beer, no useless carbs, nothing.  What is it that makes me strong on one occasion without a second thought, but makes me crazy on another?  I wish I knew the answer!  In any event, I like the strong feeling - the feeling of being in control, of having a purpose.  Just FYI - I had a few wings, some ribs, and collard greens.  Yeah on me.

I've updated my graph to the left to show the good, the bad, and the ugly - full disclosure.

I'm gonna work on making tomorrow another good day too!

And by the way - thank you to each person who has posted the last few days.  The support means a lot and helps me bolster my resolve.  It was hard to come to grips and say out loud that I had failed - so again, thank you!


Monday, December 29, 2014

A calm day/Little things

Well...here I am...

...I had a calm day and I'm really happy about it!

Today felt good.  My head was in a good place and I was able to concentrate on my goals and how I'm going to attain them rather than on how to manipulate the food situation so that everything will be okay.

And I know good and well that manipulating the food situation ain't gonna work - no way, no how.  It's not letting the big things slip that trip me up, it's the little things that get me every time.  I can plan to go have a big celebratory dinner and it won't derail me because it's so big relative to my day to day that it stands out as being different and not the norm.

Those little things though - they get me.  I think it's mostly because they are little, and for the most part, inconsequential so they aren't noticed.  But they add up to a big deal.  You know what I'm talking about - a bite of this, a taste of that.  Each one in itself isn't such a big deal; but when they're done often and continuously - well, that presents a big problem and leads me right down the wrong road.

It's gonna be these little things that make me or break me.  Like Attia said, this is where the grit comes in.

I've been thinking about the upcoming month and what I can do to remove, avoid, or escape the little things.  What do I need to do to make sure that when February rolls around, I'm in a better place?  How do I keep ME and my personal life change efforts front and center while doing all the bazillion other things I have to do?

I think the biggest, and hardest, thing to do is to just be selfish with myself.  I AM WORTH IT!

A new first step for that came tonight.  With my efforts slipping in the recent past, hubster's support has loosened as well. I'm not dogging him at all - it was just a natural next step.  Anyway, yesterday we cooked a ham that had been in the freezer (we're trying to use up all the frozen stuff).  There were plenty of leftovers, so tonight was omelets.  I told hubster that I would make my own.  Funny, but it was a signal to him and to me that the bitch is back!

It felt good and made me feel strong and powerful.  It made me feel that I've got this and that my head is indeed back in the game.  I can't rehash what's happened - just learn from it and move on!  While I don't have that down just yet, I'm working on it.

Progress - in whatever form it takes, not perfection.

I'm gonna work to make sure tomorrow is a good day too.


Sunday, December 28, 2014

Where to start?

Well...here I am...

...wondering where to start...or continue...or jump in...or something.

Things have gone south...the deep south...like Antarctica south...and I'm trying to get it back together.

I haven't posted in almost three weeks - part of the problem I'm sure.  But I've got to say that both Gwen and Sean Anderson commented on my last blog the day before yesterday.  I couldn't even get through Sean's comment without crying.  Tears have come to my eyes each time I've thought about the comments.

Yes - I feel like such a failure and I'm trying to get over it - "It" being the disappointment in myself.  I let all sorts of external pressures get to me and allowed...yes, allowed...everything to go to shit.  As a result, my weight has sky-rocketed.  In addition to the holidays, folks are wanting to "get together" when they find out I'm leaving - and that's been tough.  There's been a LOT of eating out

My weight yesterday was 265.  I didn't weigh this morning because we were up at 3:30 am to take our daughter to the BWI airport for an early morning flight.  I was kissing the 240s and now I'm back in the 260s.

There - I said it.

I'm desperately trying to get it back together - and I'm a bit...a lot...worried that I won't be able to.  All I can do is try - keep it simple and stay mindful.  I still feel like such a disappointment - like a loser - a faker - a poser.

Thinking back, I can see everything situation I was in and wonder why I made the choice I made.  Was...is...the stress of everything going on the reason?  Why would that cause me to make escalatingly poor decisions?  Seriously - why?  What's the trigger?  I don't know!!!  I'd like to go back the kick the shit out of myself for making so many poor decisions.  But as Sean intimated, I gotta forgive myself, get back in the saddle, and take it one day at a time.

So - to recap the last few weeks.

We flew to Idaho for a weekend to check out a house that we really liked.  Turns out it is THE house and we've bought it - closing is scheduled for January 30.  It's the most THE house we've ever bought and that worries me too - it seems too perfect.  And we know what they say about that.  But our realtor is amazing and came highly recommended, so in reality, I don't think there's anything to worry about, but I do anyway.  The current owners had the house custom built for them and the husband is a builder, so it's a good, solid house.  The inspections have all been good.

We've been trying to get this house ready and getting rid of crap that we don't want to take as well as decorating for Christmas, getting inspections done on the new house, signing 47587 documents for the old house, the new house, the old job, and the new job; picking and getting my replacement approved and starting a turnover for said replacement, Christmas shopping, working every day, the kids coming home, and fretting about everything in general, something had to go.  Unfortunately, what went was me and I started to feel that nothing was good enough.  And as time passed, the more things weren't good enough.  This in turned stressed me more and instead of getting a grip, I let it get the best of me.

There's an awful lot of stuff that has to happen in a particular order in the next 30 days.  It kinda blows my mind that in 30 days, we'll be living in a different house on the other side of the country.  Making sure everything goes like it should is gonna be tough - particularly since I can't dictate everything other folks are doing.  Along with that, hubster and I are a bit at odds.  We have different ways of doing things and we're getting on each other's nerves.  He's been cleaning the garage for a week now and the damn thing looks the same as when he started..SMH.  I have a paper monster I've started to tackle - it's a big monster too.

One good thing is that we decided to not put our current house on the market until after we've moved out.  I do not need the stress of having to show the house at this point.

I've had a couple of good days - finally eating at home, which is a big help - and there are no party plans for New Year's.  My body is starting to feel a little better - that stuffed feeling from bloatedness is going away and my hands and feet are starting to look and feel like hands and feet instead of sausages and hooves.  I hated the feeling of my pants feeling tight after eating...hated it.  It's interesting how your food can make your pants feel different.  Okay that sounds like a stupid statement, but it's true.  When I have protein, fat, and then carbs from veggies, my pants never felt tight after eating.  Add in a little bit of bread or alcohol or other useless carb and I feel it immediately - that bloat is amazing...amazingly bad.

I'm finding it very difficult to be okay with my recent past behavior, with how to get my ducks in a row, and how to maintain vigilance even when my time is taken up with other times.  I don't know how to auto-pilot this - I don't think I can auto-pilot. 

I'm just gonna worry about tomorrow and tomorrow only and work to make it a good day too. 


Wednesday, December 10, 2014

Back to basics

Well...here I am...

...trying to get back to basics.

As always, it's been busy.  We're flying out Friday night so we can look at houses on Saturday - we think we've found THE one, but are looking at several.  We're flying back at 6 am Sunday morning, so we can be home by mid-afternoon, get house stuff and laundry done, and then off to work on Monday.  I would so love to move our stuff from one house directly into another without any intermediate housing.  I'm not looking forward to two house payments for any length of time, but it's certainly better than intermediate housing!

I haven't even thought about putting up a Christmas tree yet.

In the midst of all the never-ending activity, I'm trying to keep a little light focused on me.  I've tracked all week - the good, the bad, and the ugly.  For the most part, it's good but the holiday parties do put a kink in the plans.

Yesterday was the first of the holiday parties at work.  This particularly party was for hubster's area and is always off-site at a local restaurant.  This year there was a choice of shrimp tacos, vegetable bowl with couscous, cheese burger, or grilled salmon and broccoli.  Hubster made the choices and he did a good job - he got the salmon for me, so I was quite pleased.  However, I had a beer and a brownie.  Neither are life-threatening, but they are weight-loss threatening.

Afterwards, I regretted the brownie because that was a weakness; somehow I don't see the beer as being a weakness, even though it's off-plan as well.  I don't know why I see them so differently, but I do.  An excuse in the making perhaps?  It got me to really thinking about the upcoming few weeks and months.

This weekend will be all eating out - the hotel serves a breakfast I can eat, so I'm good there.  I'll have to make sure the realtor understands I need something more of a sit-down rather than a fast-food restaurant for lunch.  Dinner is with friends I think.  If that falls through, issue mostly solved, but we'll still be eating out.

I have lunch with my best friend here on Monday, my area's Christmas party is Wednesday, our son comes home on Thursday, lunch meetings on Friday, daughter home Friday night, Christmas lunches on following Monday and Tuesday with special friends.  I have a Brazilian grad student who will not be able to make it home for the holidays, so she is spending the holiday with us.

I'm happy for each and every one of these events, but each of them has the possibility of providing too many choices that are too overwhelming.  Plus, there are so many of them.

How to deal?  I dunno, but I've been thinking about it.  When I started this whole thing, I didn't have any goals...any real specific goals except do the best I can and don't eat sugar.

I think that's what I'm gonna do here - the best I can and not eat sugar.  Everything else is okay.  This still leaves me with a lot of options, but they are more manageable options.

I've also strayed from my plan weight loss goals.  By that I making specific deadline weight loss goals.  That SO does not work for me, but somehow I've started doing it again.  I've always screwed myself over when I've done that - it really is a lot of pressure.  I'd fail, so I'd know I wouldn't make the goal, so I'd just give up - why bother - you're fat anyway, what's this gonna hurt?  Negative talk is just that negative.

So again, the best I can and don't eat sugar.  There are no deals to be made here - just two simple things.  My brain tries to fool me into making bad deals, but this ol' body of mine isn't fooled by bad deals at all!

But I've got to keep it simple over the coming weeks and months.  It can't be elaborate because it won't work - I can see and I know that anything elaborate won't work.  It's got to be simple.  Simple works.  I'm honestly at a dangerous point - like I'm teetering on a tight rope.  I'll be damned if I'm going to let all the work of the last year go to shit by falling into the abyss.

Food-wise, there is no re-doing what's gone on before - I can only do what's coming up.  God knows I hope I'm strong enough to make the right choices for myself.


Monday, December 8, 2014

We're Moving

Well...here I am...

...We're moving...from Maryland to Idaho.

Finally - I'm able to say it.  This has been in the works for a while now.  I'm excited, stressed, scared, and nervous all at the same time.  We're moving because of new jobs.  While that's quite exciting, I can honestly say that I really like the job I have now - I lead an awesome group of folks and we've made tremendous progress in the last year.  I guess the good thing about it is that I'm leaving on good terms.

I had a group meeting and told everyone this morning.  Of course, everyone was surprised and we talked for a long time - discussing future plans for the group and how we will make it all work.  During the conversation, I could see the transition starting - it made me sad.  But at the same time, when I took over this group, it was each man for himself.  It's nice to see them working together as a group.

After the meeting, I got the best compliment I've ever received.  An emeritus came to my office, congratulated me, said it was a devastating loss and that I had been a "breath of fresh air".

My first thought was, "You're talking about me?!?!?!?"  My next thought was, "Take the compliment."  I've always respected this fellow - he's got decades of experience on me and is a true expert in the field, so to get a compliment from him...well, it meant a lot.

So that's that.

Another thing I realized JUST TODAY is that my weight loss has stalled since we first started talking about these new positions.  Remember our trip to Vienna???  It started then.  Thinking of the possibility of the new job,which is higher visibility is daunting - Can I do it? Am I up to it?  It's a similar train of thought to the insecurities I felt about starting this weight loss journey in the first place.

Somehow, it's all gotten jumbled up and intertwined and it seems that I've got two big insecurities - job and weight loss - juggling them both at the same time - not managing to maintain confidence that I can do one, much less both -  not succeeding at managing them objectively.  As a result, I think my weight is starting to go up ever so slightly and slowly.

THIS IS A TREND THAT MUST BE REVERSED!  I've tracked my weight every day and it is slowly trending - slightly - but I believe it's real.  I think I didn't want to believe it, because so many folks have finally started commenting on my weight loss, but it's true.  I will update everything to the left along with a new graph before the week is out.  Another one of those bullshit veils - no need to lie to myself - my body knows the difference. 

It seems to deal with the stress, I want to make things easier (read:  make excuses), so I'm fighting old habits - mostly the eating out.  It's comforting and easy and allays my stress and fear. That's the other thing I realized today.  It was like a big, "DUH!", but I think I fooled myself into making it okay.

One thing that will help this is that we have a freezer full of food that needs to be taken care of by the time we move in mid-January.  What's not eaten will be donated to the local food bank.  It's most meat and garden vegetables, so all healthy stuff.

All I know is I will try and I won't give up and I will get through it and start losing again.

Strange how I didn't realize what was going on.  BTW - tonight was leftover pork, mushrooms, and onions.

We're going to Idaho this weekend.  I think we've found a house and if it's the one, I want to make sure we get it.  From the online pictures and video, it looks perfect.  The realtor and I have been going back and forth - I told him what I wanted, he said it would be difficult to find.  I was starting to believe him and said that we'd be "...living in a van, down by the river," but the realtor persevered.  He sent me a link the other day of a house that was coming on the market - the whole family agrees - from Grandma to the niece.  Keep your fingers crossed for us.

On another note, hubster and I got married in July 1984 and moved to Idaho in January 1985.  We got married again 30 years later in July 2014 and we're moving back to Idaho In January 2015 - 30 years later...maybe to the day.  It's karmic.

Thanks to everyone who commented on the Thanksgiving pic of Mama and me.  I love them - I think I'm gonna frame them.


Saturday, December 6, 2014

Thanksgiving pic...revisited

Well...here I am...

...with a Thanksgiving pic...revisited.

We had a great Thanksgiving holiday - it's always such a deep-down, feel good feeling when I have my favorite people - my family - with me.  We had a few eventful things happen - hubster cut his finger on an oyster shell and kept passing out - and I mean passing out COLD - like he has every time he's seen his own blood for the last 35 years.  He and my daughter had bandaged the cut, so I couldn't see it.  Their description - verbatim - was, "It's deep - real deep.  It needs stitches."  After the ER doctor sees the cut and actually snorts a little, they put some glue on it and send him home.  Hubster will NEVER live this down.

Thanksgiving itself was great - most of the food was good, except for the pumpkin pies.  I make them from scratch...and forgot to add ANY sugar at all.  We ended up with store-bought pumpkin pies.

As I said before, macaroni and cheese is my downfall.  And as planned, I fixed the macaroni and cheese this year.  I made a smaller pan - I think it was a smaller pan.  At dinner, I got what I wanted - and it was a larger serving.  I was SO looking forward to having it - really looking forward to it.  Can I just tell you that I was disappointed?  I don't know if I did something differently or my taste buds have changed, but the reality didn't fit the memory at all.

I didn't have any more that night - hubster put all the leftovers in the basement refrigerator.  In past years, I've made regular treks down to the basement to get seconds, thirds, and fourths.  Truth be told, on Thanksgiving evening, I didn't think any more about it after dinner.

On Sunday, everyone was gone and I had the thought of having some.  I went downstairs and got some - and again, the taste just didn't fit the memory.  The messed up thing about it though is that I had the thought of getting some more - perhaps it would taste better then.

That's when I caught myself.  If it didn't taste awesome on Thanksgiving and wasn't awesome four days later, it wasn't gonna miraculously change...dumbass.  I didn't trust myself about it though and asked hubster to throw it all away.  Later on Sunday evening, I rummaged through the refrigerator looking for that stupid mac and cheese - it was not there so I was thankful.  My sensible self had preemptively helped my weak self.

It seems that one of our Thanksgiving traditions is for one or two of us to get sick.  I thought we had all escaped sickness this year.  I was wrong - it was just a delayed onset.  I didn't feel good at all on Monday morning.  By mid-morning, I had an upset stomach and felt nauseated  By evening, I had hot and cold sweats and couldn't get warm at all.  I buried myself under blankets and stayed there.  I stayed home from work on Tuesday and Wednesday.  I feel a bit better but I still have an upset stomach that just won't go away.

To a person, everyone commented on how much more weight I had lost even though my weight has stayed static since the end of July (which is when everyone saw me).  I've said before that even though my weight has stayed the same, my body has changed quite a bit.  I was in 20's in July, now I'm in a baggy 18, so I don't know what's going on.  In any event, I was happy folks noticed...and commented!

So - about the Thanksgiving picture.  My mother - hi Mama!! - reads the blog, so she knew that I wanted to take a pic of the two of us together in the same spot as last year - a global progress photo if you will.  Funny thing is Mama is wearing the same jacket as last year as well.  Hubster was being his usual bad self when taking the pics, but we had a lot of fun recreating last year's pic.

Without further adieu - here's the pics:

Thanksgiving 2013
Thanksgiving 2014
Whaddya think?  Can you see a difference?

Tomorrow I'll explain some of the stress of the last few months.  For today, suffice it to say that my news is that we're moving...clear across the country.  I'm excited about being there, but I'm sure as hell not excited about getting there!


Thursday, December 4, 2014

Just a quickie, part deux

Well...here I am...

...with another quickie post.

My family had a wonderful Thanksgiving - and I got sick the day after they left...bedridden, head-covered, shitty feeling sick - and I still feel terrible.  Imagine pale and no eyebrows - that's what I look like.

Lots of news to share coming soon.