Tuesday, January 27, 2015

Second leg - Memphis to Kansas City, MO

Well...here I am...

We've finished the second leg of the trip...going from Memphis to Kansas City,  MO.

For the most part, things are going well.  Food today wasn't so good.  Started out with a great breakfast of bacon, but lunch was a burger and fries in the car

I felt guilty about the burger, so when dinner rolled around and we got settled in the hotel with the menagerie, hubster volunteered to find dinner.

I knew it would be fast food and I was tempted, but I told him to get a salad for me.  He came back with a chicken salad - fried not grilled, but he was tired I'm sure and I wasn't going to rag on him for that.  We are definitely tired.

This morning, we're heading for Cheyenne.  Btw, the La Quinta lets animals stay free.  Being that we are traveling with 3 dogs, 1 cat, and 2 birds, we're thankful.  The room was good - no animal smell at all...at least not when we arrived.

My only problem was the breakfast - no protein at all - all empty carbs, so that was a bust.  I ended up with a meat lovers taco at a taco place.  Not the best, but better than Danish and doughnuts.

We're listening to 70's music as we drive down the road.  Did you know that hubster and I are award-winning Grammy   singers???  In our head of course!


Sunday, January 25, 2015

First leg - MD to TN

Well...here I am...

We've completed the first leg of our move...going from Maryland to Tennessee.

We ended up packing for two days and loading for two days.  Let me tell you, those fellas worked their butts off.  We filled up a 53 foot truck and a 20 foot truck to the brim!  We have too much stuff!

Originally, we were going to leave early Saturday morning, but ended up leaving early Friday evening because of impending bad weather.  It's the first time in many years that either hubster or I had been up for 36 hours.  We were exhausted!

My feet aren't faring very well, so I'll be wearing compression socks for the rest of the trip.

It is quite uncomfortable to be honest.  Food is only okay.  I'm avoiding bread and sugar, but it seems almost unavoidable on the road.  I ended up with pork rinds and a small can of mixed nuts for the ride.  So far, so good.  I've either been trying to sleep or trying to keep hubster from falling asleep if he's driving.

I'm cooking at the in-laws tonight so I'm in control of the cooking...I think that's best all around.

Tomorrow...Kansas City, MO!


Sunday, January 18, 2015

This last week

Well...here I am...

...this last week has been packed!  The movers are coming tomorrow and I think we're about ready.  I guess the thing about it is - we're gonna have to be ready regardless of whether we're ready or not!

We have not succeeded in emptying the freezer, but have gotten all the good stuff.  Funny thing is - the good stuff is all vegetables and meats from down home - vegetables from my dad's garden and bbq from my mother!  The not good stuff is all store bought stuff - we'll be donating it to the local area food bank - they actually take frozen foods.

There were several parties this week and I'm glad I got the first one out of the way first.  It was big and had a smorgasboard of everything.  I had too much sugar - funny how I justified it at the time.  But let me tell you something...it triggered a migraine that I don't ever want to have again!!!

They always affect the right side of my head, make me nauseated, and I don't even want to hear movement.  This made it much easier to not succumb to sugar temptation for the rest of the celebrations.  We've got two more this week and then we'll be on the road.  Avoiding sugar for the remainder of the parties and while we're on the road won't be difficult - that migraine scared the shit out of me and I'm positive it was from too much sugar.

One thing we've eaten this week that I've never had before is black bean spaghetti.  My son wanted it when he was home, but it was Costco-sized so there's plenty left over.  Anyway - it's dark and shaped liked spaghetti.  It's only got two ingredients - black beans and water.  The best part is that it's got 11 grams of fiber per serving - that's awesome.  While it doesn't taste like spaghetti, it's got a good texture and is one of the few semi-processed items that I will buy in the future.

Back to packing!


Sunday, January 11, 2015

Jekyll and Hyde

Well...here I am...

...feeling a little bit like Jekyll and Hyde.  I'll explain in a minute.

Needless to say, we're getting down to the wire and I'm stressing.  Our son heads back to school on Tuesday.  I can definitively say he's been "on break".  He's ready to go back as well - he misses his girlfriend - exactly who is this girl??? - and he's bored here.  I'm happy to see that he's making his own life, but I kinda miss the old days as well.  Of course, there is that part of hubster and me who's ready to have the house to ourselves again.  Did my inner voice just leak out again???  ;-)

Instead of getting cleaner, the house seems to be getting messier; but there is a method to the madness.  I'm really clearing out a lot of stuff and organizing things into groups.  The new house is a lot different that this current house and I don't have the transition of things from the old house to the new house completely clear in my head.

Things are winding down at work, which is also sad.  We've made a lot of progress and I'm leaving in a transition.  However, I'm leaving on good terms, so that's always a good thing.  My boss told me the other day that I didn't have to leave and that I'll always have a position there if I want to come back.  It was very sweet of him to say that, but once I'm out the door things will move on.  No one is irreplaceable - even me.

With all that out of the way, I've gotta say that I'm struggling - struggling and stressing about that four-letter word - F-O-O-D.  I feel a little Jekyll and Hyde-ish about it.

Two things are happening:  1)  I am eating out almost every day at lunch with someone who wants to spend time with me before I leave, and 2) We're trying to clear out the refrigerator and freezer.

Generally, at lunch-time I've been eating in the cafeteria with whoever I'm with since it's a bit of a hassle to leave campus at lunch.  There is a salad bar that's a little on the slim slide, but it has all the basics.  Then there's another 40-some-odd selections from the buffet.  There's other made-to-order items, but those are definitely off-limits for me.

Even before starting down this road, I avoided buffets - they're just too much, but I could handle them on occasion.  But it was starting to wear me down with the cafeteria - it's such an easy default so just go with it and worry about it later.  I've got so much shit going on at the moment, it's okay.

That's just it - IT'S NOT OKAY.  My ass will still feel the weight if I eat poorly.  My ass doesn't give a shit that I'm moving and have a lot of stuff going on.  My ass will just get bigger.

What do I do?  I do seem to be shuffled in to this cafeteria thing for the next two weeks, so when I went last week - Wednesday I think - I looked at it with a different eye.  Instead of saying to myself that it was a crappy salad bar - just because it didn't have a large selection - was no reason for me not to select some of the items they did have.  So when I looked - wonder of wonders - there were two kinds of lettuce, broccoli, onions, tomatoes, peppers, cheese, fake bacon bits, sesame seeds, and a variety of dressings - including full-fat blue cheese. 

I loaded up my plate with salad.  This accomplished three things:  1) It set the tone for the rest of my meal, 2) It loaded up my plate with food that was good for me, and 3) It minimized the amount of space on my plate for the stuff that's not so good for me.

I ended up getting some chicken and some hot squash and zucchini.  It kept me from getting a little taste of this, a little taste of that.  I can "little taste" myself to a big weight gain. 

I'm reminded of that quote from Peter Attia on the right of the blog - it's the little things.  He's totally right too - it's the little things that are gonna make me successful and it's also the little things that are gonna totally fuck me up too!

Having described this success - just let me say that it was not easy.  The lure of all those tasty little things was difficult.  That devilish voice saying, "Oh this little bit won't hurt", "Remember how good that was", "It's okay, you're having a tough time", "Don't worry about it - you can be good next time."

It's a tough thing to tell your own self to fuck off but that's what I did, because that's what I needed to be told.  I think I'm gonna have to tell myself that a lot in the coming weeks.

The other thing that's also a pain about eating out is the sodium.  Even when I'm spot on, it seems there's too much sodium and I can feel it almost immediately.

We're clearing out the freezer as well.  My favorite so far was when I found a pack of collard greens that mama and me put away, so we cooked those along with some field peas and sausage - how southern is that???  It was awesome.  So much better and tastier eating at home. 

I'm trying - I'm working it.


Tuesday, January 6, 2015

Snow Day

Well...here I am...

...having a snow day.

Snow fell last night - more than predicted - so there were a bunch of traffic snarls today.  Hubster and I decided to go in late, but when we heard how bad the roads were, we decided to stay home.  It worked out just as well.  I went back to sleep and woke up to a beautiful omelet under my nose.

Hubster woke me up and said, "It weighs 6.8 ounces and has two eggs."  How sweet is that?!?!?!  It was a really good omelet too!

I got a lot done today.  I've got the basement almost completely sorted and I have another two 33 gallon bags of shredded paper.  I'm glad to be getting rid of the paper.  It's a bit freeing.  The Goodwill pile is getting quite large though.

Also got the call today that they'd like to close on the 29th because of all the end of the month activity.  This means we may have to hustle a bit more.  We'll try, but who knows what the roads are gonna be like.


I was going along my merry way in the basement today and realized that I was REALLY hungry to the point of not feeling good.  I rummaged through the refrigerator and had 4 chicken wings - that totally took care of my hunger.

Hubster made crab cakes and beans for dinner tonight.  They were particularly good because I didn't make them!  I've generally been the crab cake maker around here, but I just didn't want to make them tonight.  Hubster did a good job!

I said before that this month is gonna be a challenge and it is.  I ate out twice yesterday.  The first was lunch with a co-worker.  It was only the cafeteria, but the cafeteria is buffet.  It was a bit different this time because I started out with putting salad on my plate.  It was a little thing, but it made a big difference because it filled up the plate and limited the amount of space remaining on the plate for OTHER food.  I will do it again since I will be eating in the cafeteria with a different co-worker tomorrow!

We also ate out late night.  It wasn't intended as we're trying to eat all the food in the freezer, but my son forgot to take something out to defrost.  We ended up going to a wing place.  I got medium wings - about 12 - and a regular-sized salad.  After I had eaten about 5 wings and half of the salad, I realized that I was full and really didn't have any more appetite.

So guess what?  I quit eating!!  What a NOVEL concept!!  I've got to figure a way to make this work since it's gonna be happening a lot.  I hope to maintain that awareness of being full throughout the coming weeks.  I also hope to maneuver the food situations as well as I did yesterday.

And by the way - I didn't have the macaroons at the races on Saturday night - I forgot to mention that before.

I keep going back and forth on what to do about the drive across country.  I thought I'd buy a big ol' bag of Costco nuts, but then I think I'd just eat out of boredom.  Then I thought that we'd just get something when we stopped to stretch, but that will be expensive.  I think I'm starting to settle on buying individual-sized snacks from Costco - it will be cheaper and perhaps keep me from boredom eating since it's individual-sized.  Thinking about beef jerky too, but I need to find some that's light on the sodium.

That's what's in the ol' noggin today!


Sunday, January 4, 2015

One year in

Well...here I am...

...One year in.

Yup - that's right.  It's been a year since I made my first post.  I can't begin to say how proud I am that I'm still here - through all of the ups and downs of the last year - I'M STILL HERE!!!  Better yet, I'm 30 lbs down for the year.

I don't know what made 1/4/14 different, but I think I can come up with a reasonable guess.  First, I think I realized that I just couldn't keep going down the same path I had been on.  It was endless disappointment with everything - but mostly at myself.  Like so many others, I had been looking for that elixir that was going to help me lose 100 lbs in a week, that potion that was gonna make me a size 6, that spell that would make my body fit.

I wanted off the hamster wheel...and that's exactly what it was.  Spinning my wheels and not making any progress at all.  Oh - I could stick with it for a few days, but at the first sign of weakness, whether it was me wavering from whatever the plan was to not losing weight fast enough - or just plain giving up, that plan would be thrown to the curb because obviously it didn't work.  I mean seriously - if the plan worked, I'd be on the plan and would be losing weight like gangbusters, right?

Something was seriously missing.  There were a lot of things missing actually.  Objectivity for one - there was always a new plan, a new miracle.  While I feel that I'm reasonably knowledgeable and actually know quite a bit about biochemistry and nutrition, it seems that I'd jump on any bandwagon that promised miracles.  Why the hell a normally reasonable person would fall for that shit is beyond me, but fall for it I did.

Personal accountability was also missing.  The diet was responsible for my success or failure - it couldn't possibly be up to me to determine the success of the plan.  It wasn't my fault if I strayed from the plan.  I worked late, I slept late, I was tired, I was busy, I was in the wrong place, I was with the wrong people, it was too late to cook, it was too early to cook.  It was always something other than me being accountable for myself and my actions.

There was a weird sense of perfectionism going on as well.  I had to be perfect - I had to be the poster child for whatever diet plan I was on at the moment.  With that mindset, I was doomed to fail.

It all came to a head and I knew there had to be a change.  And I knew that change had to come from within.  I didn't know how I was going to do it and I didn't have a formal plan - I still don't - I just knew that I had to DO IT!

I had to start somewhere.  So I made four commitments to myself.  The funny thing is that wrote that I was going to "commit to or change over the next few days".  Lord help me - I'm still committing and changing!

Those four things were the following:
  • Mindful of everything I eat
  • No added sugar
  • Breathe, stay calm, and don't beat myself up.
  • Don't give up before I even get started.
After a year, I can honestly say that those four commitments are in order from least important to most important.  Yes - the most important thing...still...is not giving up before I even get started.  The only difference is that now, I can't give up before I'm done.

The other three things are very important, but it's that stick-to-it-iveness that stands apart.  When I'm not mindful of everything I eat, it would be easy to give in and give up; but I can't, I've gotta get up, dust myself off, and keep going.

When I eat sugar when I shouldn't, I've gotta get over it and look at it as something that happened, not as a nail in a coffin.  I can't give up - I gotta keep going.  Shake it off and move on.

When I get anxious about lack of progress and start berating myself for not being perfect, I've got to realize that THIS IS THE PROCESS - and that there's no giving up, I gotta keep going.

I've learned an awful lot about myself this year - and I'm a hot mess - lol!  I'm not all bad, but I am incredibly human.  I don't have super powers, I'm sometimes weak, and I'm often frustrated.

The fear of failure is always present and I'm realizing that it's such a destructive fear and serves no useful purpose.  I've got to change it up - what did I read recently?  It's not failure, it's just 100 ways not to do something?  What a powerful way of turning a negative around.

I'm proud of the fact that even when I wasn't strong and not making progress, I logged my weight every day.  I might not have posted it every day, but it eventually made its way to the blog.  That was a big help to me.  I know it's not for everybody, but I need to be a daily weigher.  Interestingly, when I'm being good and following my own tenets, the scale is just a data point with appropriate importance.  When I'm screwing up, the number on the scale goes up in importance and causes me a lot of angst.  I think it's guilt because I know I'm screwing up and the scale does have its way of keeping me honest.  The scale reflects my effort, not my intent.

My weight graph shows a lot of progress.  Today's blog - one year later - shows a lot of progress.  I've kept at this for a year.  YEAH ME!!!  When I started this, I knew I couldn't reasonably make a number goal, but internally I did - and that was to have all the weight off - about 110 pounds.

Obviously that didn't happen.  But ya know what??  30 lbs is HUGE!!!  If I hadn't started, I could have been 30 lbs heavier - and I was on track to do that.  So really - I'm 60 lbs down for the year!  lol  However, the faith in myself that I can do this and continue on is even HUGE-R!!!!

I'm excited for the coming year and I hope it will be as successful as the past year.  Having a year of this process under my belt, I know there will be some successes, some failures, and some frustrations - but I'll be here.  I'm not giving up.  Remember Rule #4!  As I said before, I've got some experience in creating success now.  I just need to build on that success now.

Finally, I now believe that writing things down helps immensely.  Who gives a shit if you have proper grammar anyway?  I wasn't always such a believer in writing.  There was a weird fear of writing - where would I start?  wherever I damn well please.  What would I write about?  whatever I want!  What if no one reads what I write?  Who cares?  I'm writing it for me!  What if someone does read what I write?  Good!  Perhaps they can help me!  For me, writing is helping me become more honest with myself and helping me to understand that I'm not perfect.  Giving an outer voice to my inner voice - my inner self-talk - is huge.


My mama

Well...here I am...

...thinking about my mama.

It's a very sad day for her.  On 1/4/2007, her husband unexpectedly passed away.  They had only been married for a little over 20 years - it seems they had finally married the person they were meant to be with, so those 20 years were really good years for both of them.

He was a man of mannerisms.  He always sat in the same chair, always maintained good posture, and always held his cigarette in his right hand with his thumb on his jawline.  I can still see the face he'd make when mama would do or say something funny/crazy - and she can say some crazy shit.  He'd screw up his face and say, "Now Bobbie!"  Mama - you know you do!!  I guess the apple doesn't fall far from the tree though.  I'll take it - it's a good kind of crazy.

Mama's done a good job of moving forward, but she still misses him terribly.  She doesn't talk about him all the time, but all us younguns know she misses and thinks about him a lot.

So if you're reading this, send a good thought my mama's way.

RIP Jeff.

Love you mama!


Friday, January 2, 2015

Upcoming challenge

Well...here I am...

...It dawned on me this morning that I've got a big challenge coming up tomorrow.

We're going to the horse races tomorrow night, which means we're eating buffet.

With the big move coming up, I'm trying to make sure my old friend - 87 years old - gets to do some of the fun things he likes to do since I won't be around.  Leaving him is gonna be hard.

One of the things he really likes to do is go to the races.  Prior to his stroke, he went to the races every week.  He's had the same table for more than 20 years.  So, I called one of the folks we know there and made sure we were able to get the same table.  He's really excited about it, so that makes me happy.

They have prime rib on the buffet, so I'll have that along with a big ass salad.  There's a ton of desserts, but most of them are like any other dessert - the one temptation there is the macaroons.  But again, they're the same as any other macaroon, so no need to go there.

I'm still feeling strong with the new-found resolve and I don't want a stupid buffet to de-rail it either.  Besides, the point of the evening is NOT the buffet, but rather taking our friend to the races.

I ran across a couple of particularly good posts this morning.  I wish I had their ability to relate through their writing.  It was powerful for me.  The first was YumYucky's post.  She had five wonderful quotes that hit me - almost like lights going off.  They're nothing I've not seen before but I think seeing them together was particularly powerful for me.   So simple, but so deep at the same time.  Thank you Josie!

The second post was on The Daily Motivator.   It addresses temptation and the ways in which we think we can cheat - whatever cheating may be - and how it derails us.  Reading the post helped me to put my recent past into its proper place even more.  As well, it helped to re-ground me and reinforced my original thoughts/beliefs that I am indeed on the right path and that it is going to take work - hard work - the "...experience of creating success".

That "experience of creating success" is the very thing that keeps me going.  I know what I'm doing will work because it did work and I was quite successful.  I'm going to hold on to that.

The scale was up this morning.  And that's okay.  I did everything I was supposed to do yesterday - there was no derailing at all, so I'm fine.  It's either too much sodium or a fluctuation.  There's no bad feeling associated with it at all.  I know that if I keep doing what I'm doing, the weight, the numbers on the scale, and the size of my ass will continue to get smaller.


Thursday, January 1, 2015

Goodbye 2014, Hello 2015

Well...here I am...

Goodbye 2014, Hello 2015.  There's not a whole lot of resolutions going on around here that are tied up with the new year - those will come in a few days on my weightaversary.  Yeah Diva - I'm like you that way!

There's always so much hoopla surrounding New Year's - I've never been a big fan of the whole New Year's thing - though hubster's and mine's (is that grammatically correct?) first date was on New Year's Eve...back in the Stone Age.

As I've gotten older, I've been happier to just hang out at home, spend time with family, and just watch the celebrations on TV.  I think it's laziness.

In any event, this year was the same.  Just hubster, our son, and me.  They played some crazy game in the basement that shook the entire house - no kidding - and drank gin and tonics all night.  Hubster's up, but our son is still sleeping.

Foodwise, yesterday was a good day with a few small challenges.

My replacement at work is having some issues, so she and I went to McDonald's so we could have a private chat.  We talked about some of the issues and then about the turnover.  I think she'll be good.  Anyway, McDonald's had their pancakes for a buck, so she got them.  Now, I had already had breakfast, but I gotta say, I eyed those pancakes as she slathered butter all over them.  I reminded myself that 1) I had already had breakfast, 2) I wasn't hungry, 3) I could get something different if I were hungry, 4) I'd really fuck up my recent progress, and 5) Dammit - this ol' body deserves better than some fast-food pancakes anyway!

I didn't have the pancakes.

However, we were at McDonald's until almost lunch-time and I hadn't brought a lunch to work.  I called hubster to see if he wanted anything, so I had lunch at McDonald's - their grilled bacon ranch salad.  As I looked up the nutrition content on Fatsecret while I was eating, I noticed that it had 22 g of carbs listed.  I couldn't figure that out at all.  Certainly the salad vegetables didn't have that many carbs.  So, I went to the McDonald's website and discovered that the stupid bacon bits have the majority of the carbs - something like 10 or 12 g.

Bacon?  Really?  Bacon is all fat and protein - where's the carbs there?  And then I remembered - chemical shit storm! So, while I may have a McDonald's salad in the future, I will not be having their bacon bits.

We had an early release for the holiday, so when we got home, hubster and son went to the liquor store for their libations.  I hung around the house and just puttered.

Later in the evening when they were gearing up to play, they each made their own gin and tonic and I had a sip of each of their drinks.  My son's was in an appropriate glass and had a nice, mild, and great taste - something you could probably drink too much of really fast and get hammered.  Hubster's drink?  Holy moley!!  He had it in a mason jar and I think the damn thing was about fuming!  I took a *really* little sip of his.  There was a lot more gin than tonic!  Anyway - they had some good father/son time, were able to do what they wanted and the best part, they didn't have to drive anywhere!

So - I had a little bit of alcohol, but that wasn't a temptation by any stretch.

Everyone was on their own for dinner last night, so I had the rest of the prime rib and some guacamole.  To me, it was perfect!

The scale was down again today.  Yeah me.

My two favorite quotes for New Year's are from Neil Gaiman: 

“May your coming year be filled with magic and dreams and good madness. I hope you read some fine books and kiss someone who thinks you're wonderful, and don't forget to make some art -- write or draw or build or sing or live as only you can. And I hope, somewhere in the next year, you surprise yourself.” 
 Neil Gaiman

“I hope that in this year to come, you make mistakes. Because if you are making mistakes...you're Doing Something.” 
 Neil Gaiman

I'm gonna work to make sure today is a good day!