Sunday, March 22, 2015

Settling down/in I am...

....I think I may be settling down and settling in.

I'm not 100%, but my level of awareness is increasing and the good decisions are greatly outweighing the poor choices.  The excuses are happening less often - the last several days have been on point.  I just have to make sure tomorrow is too.  And yannow what?  I'm pretty sure it will be.

Crabby McSlacker commented on my last blog about how effort/stress in one part of your life can lead you to putting others areas that require willpower on the sidelines.  That's clearly what I've done.  The problem - the thing that pulled me up - was I had the "it can't happen to me" attitude.  Then when it DID start happening that evil little voice of "it'll be okay, don't worry about it" became a regular occupant of my inner voice. 

Crabby's comments really struck home with me and caused me to think a lot about how to put all my shit in one sock.  It was, it is, and it will forever be - a work in progress.

And that's okay.

I've been working to notice and take heed of those moments and decisions that can lead me down the wrong path.  For instance, I finally had some alone time yesterday with hubster doing his own thing at home and then going to see some guys at work for guy night.  I was invited to hang out with the spouses, but didn't want to. 

So yesterday morning, I had an egg and cheese omelet and then went on my way.  There was a local craft fair that I wanted to check out and then I needed to do some clothes shopping.  After the craft show, I realized that I was *really* hungry.  It had been about 6 hours since I had eaten.  There were a lot of fast food places around and I decided on Chick-fil-A.  When I got in the drive-thru and looked at the menu board, I thought of all sorts of stuff.  I thought of how I used to take my grandmother there to get a chicken sandwich - I can still see her eating it in my mind.  She enjoyed them so much and had an odd way of holding the sandwich.

Then I started looking at all the options on the menu board and it all looked appealing.  Then I thought, "AHA!  This is exactly NOT the way I need to be thinking."  At that moment, it was my turn to order, so I told the girl to wait for a second.  Finally, I asked her for the smallest nugget order with no fries and a drink.  I was in a situation - that I put myself in - that could have gone dramatically different.  I realized that what I needed was just enough to not be hungry - and 4 nuggets was it.  Kinda interesting how a good memory momentarily fogged my decision-making process.

After doing some serious damage clothes shopping since I need to dress professionally in the new job and I've kinda been limping along (yuck - I do miss my jeans-wearing days at work), it was another 5 hours later and I was hungry again.  Hubster wasn't home for dinner, so I was left to my own devices.  I got takeout from a steak restaurant and came home to eat.  I had ordered a side house salad and plain sweet potato with the steak; however, there were also 4 rolls that they had put in the bag.  And kudooz to me - yes I know I spell it rong HA! - I put those little puppies in the refrigerator for hubby to have later.

Both those decisions came from a place of awareness and consciousness.  While those decisions by themselves aren't earth-shattering by themselves, it's the sum of all those little decisions that are, indeed, earth-shattering and are gonna be the difference and make all the difference in my eventual success. 

I also think about all the other folks I've been reading over the last year or so.  Each time I go to the salad bar at work, I think of Gwen writing, "NO CROUTONS".  I think of how successful Diva has been on her journey and how much fortitude she's got.  I think of Crabby and imagine what she'd say to me.  I think of Karla and how she's struggling, but sticking with it.  I think of Lori and how she stays with it even when she's frustrated.  I think of Kitty who is finally at a weight she likes.  And doggone it, every time I read Sean Anderson's blog, I feel like he's been spying on me or something - he always hits home!

Finally, I really don't want to have to re-lose any more weight.  This shit has been hard, but so very worth it.  I can either lose the weight I've re-gained and keep going from there or I can continue to gain the weight I lost - I don't want to do a 360 - just a 180! 

It's a simple choice.  And I'm a smart woman.


Sunday, March 8, 2015

Hello...I'm new here I am...

...and just want to say..."Hello - I'm new here."

At least that's what it feels like.  It seems that I'm running about 50 degrees from what I used to and I can't seem to get it straight, but I'm trying.

The scale tipped 270 at the end of the day the other day and that pretty much scared the shit out of me.  This is the wrong direction...clearly.

While I'm loving living here and am enjoying the job - it's a total 180 from what I've been used to the in the past.  Our schedules are totally different and in an upheaval relative to what they were before.  We're getting up earlier, getting home later, working longer hours, not working together, and getting used to a whole new way of doing damn near everything it seems.  Getting sick so soon after getting here knocked me off base as well.

With all the changes we made, everything pretty much fell apart eating-wise - and I let it.  Reincorporating the good habits in a new schedule has been challenging because I've taken the easy way out, but I feel I'm making some strides in getting back on track.

My schedule is officially 4 10-hour days, but they're more like 4 12-hour days.  Along with an hour commute - which is beautiful, we're dog-tired by the time we're both home.  Who the hell wants to cook then?!?!?  To try and take care of that, hubster and I bought a bunch of pre-cooked meats that aren't loaded with sodium and additional ingredients.  Add a veggie and we're doing okay. 

At least once each week, we have some work-related thing we have to do.  It's fine, but I've been drinking at these events - not over-the-top or anything - but two drinks can indeed wreck havoc.  Given that I don't really give a shit about drinking, it's not a hard thing to not do.  But let me be clear, it's not been at just the work-related events.  If hubster and I go out to eat, I've been drinking alcohol at least 30% of the time.  That stopped as of last night.

Breakfast has been an omelet at work - freshly made, but it's too much.  I've gotten friendly with the chef and he makes mine bigger...a lot an act of kindness.  Either that or he figures the fat lady needs more to eat.  *smacks self*  I've got some smoked salmon and cream cheese now, so I'm gonna see how that works out.  I may try for my old stand-by smoothie, but time is precious in the morning and I'm still bitching my way out of bed.

Lunch has been a salad from the cafeteria that I make myself.  It's usually lettuce, radish, asparagus, pickled beets (but not sweet), broccoli, eggs, cheese, and blue cheese dressing.  It's good, but probably too big - do I need to worry about that though?  I don't know.  The bad thing I've been adding on the salad is croutons - not one or two, but a bunch.

Those are the obvious things.  The less obvious - and the more harmful - are the bowls of candy everywhere.  The day I arrived, we started a major reorg.  That meant a ton of stressful meetings - and the admin folks brought out the bowls of candy - and not the inexpensive, cheap stuff either, but rather the stuff that I didn't say 'no' to.  What is it - candy and stress-soothing?  Shit.

I've also not kept up with posting because by the time I get a bit of time, I want to do other stuff.  In thinking about it - this really is the most important thing.  While I don't know, I wonder if, subconsciously, I wasn't writing because I didn't want to deal with the shit I was doing to myself.

We've also been eating out on the weekend.  I showed hubster my weight graph today and he said it was all the eating out and the desserts.  I immediately became defensive and told him that we rarely had dessert.  He calmly pointed out that we were out for a work function on Thursday, then went out to dinner on both Friday and Saturday - and had dessert at all of them! hell did I miss this?!?!?!?!  He was absolutely right!  Honestly, it's like it just slipped right by me!  How did I allow this to happen?

So tonight was dinner at home...baked boneless center loin pork chops and sauteed spinach with pecans.  I also had the rest of the Cobb salad from last night's dinner.  Yeah - the dinner where we had dessert!

Hopefully, I've got my stupidity under control...or at least am on the right road.  My awareness went to shit, but hopefully I've got that on the right track as well.

Keep your fingers crossed for me.  Feel feel to smack the shit out of me.