Sunday, May 31, 2015

Weakened resolve I am...

 ...thinking about the weakened resolve of the last few months.

It's interesting when you write.  Sometimes it's easy, sometimes it's hard.  One thing I hate about writing here is that I have to have a post title.  I've spent the last five minutes trying to come up with a title that's suitable for what I want to write.  I don't know if the title I've written is suitable, but it'll have to do.

And right now, I don't have clarity.  I don't know what to say or what to write - I just know that I need to write something - try to figure out the mush in my brain.  Things are just all jumbled in my head.  It's an interesting feeling.  I mean - I had clarity earlier in the week - I could see the path forward, but at this moment, I don't have any clarity or confidence.  I just *am*.

The weekend was okay.  Food wasn't perfect, but it's on a forward track.  Hubster and I found ourselves at a fast food place yesterday.  We had tons of chores and places to go yesterday and what do we do?  We slept late!  Once we got on the road, we realized we were really hungry. 

I felt like I was going in the wrong direction, but it was the situation I was in.  I tried to change the feeling and decide what on the menu was reasonable - and yes, it was the word "reasonable" I used.  I ended up with a hot dog and shared fries with hubster.

One thing I haven't done is discuss my renewed efforts with hubster.  It's an odd situation.  He'll try to be supportive I'm sure, but he's not going to believe it until he sees it from me, so he won't go out of his way to accommodate me.  That's fine - I can deal with that.  Besides, he's not the one with the problem.

I've been thinking about walking at work - though I couldn't figure out when I could do it.  I mean - when I get to work, I work until I leave and that includes lunch.  4-10's are a different beast, but I do like the 3 day weekends.

Anyway, I was telling female co-worker about perhaps walking and she said she'd walk with me.  I asked her what time she got to work.  5:30 am!!  Hell - she's there before me!  So I've committed to being at work tomorrow at 5:30-5:45 am.  Without a doubt, I'll bitch my way out of bed in an even louder voice - we'll see how it goes.  I hate getting up earlier and here I am to committing to getting up even earlier!

I'm going to read a bit more of TDF tonight - can't stay up too late since I have to get up early.

I'm planning for a good week.


Thursday, May 28, 2015

Hanging in there I am...

...Hanging in there.

I really appreciated the comments of my other blogger buddies.  Funny how all that works.  I didn't want to post because I didn't want to admit/let folks know that I had crashed and burned because I wanted to be an example and I didn't want to be judged and on and on.  What do I find when I do fess up?  Nothing but support - and I appreciate it more than you know.  It makes it easier in a way.

Gotta say though - my first thought tonight was to not post, but writing has been an awesome vehicle for me to CTFO about my efforts.  Interestingly enough, I don't like talking about it with folks - not friends, not family, not anyone really.  But writing and interacting here is a positive thing.

While it does seem counter-productive, and maybe it is, hubster and I went out for dinner tonight.  It's been a taxing week.  Hell - every week is taxing.

Anyway - I did good at dinner.  Steak, salad, and veggies.  I started to order a beer, but then I realized it wasn't something I needed to do.  So I ordered tea instead.  And I was just fine - no angst or anything about it at all.  I also left off the bread and potato as well.  The steak wasn't all that good, so I brought half of it home.

I've been thinking a lot about the last few months.  I had been struggling for a while and then we add all the stress of the move - even though it was a positive move.  A lot of upset in the normal routine and then developing a new routine that's a lot different than before.  I've not slept well.  I've had a few injuries/illnesses - more on that later.  All of this along with the new job - I guess I was just overwhelmed and lost the internal focus on myself. 

The bad thing is that it wasn't too difficult to fall off the wagon.  There's got to be some meaning there - something to learn - but at this point I don't know what it is.

Diva recommended The Diet Fix.  I downloaded it several months ago when I first heard about it, but never read it.  I will start tonight.  I'll be interested in what the author says.  I know Gwen recently read the book and seems to be a fan.  Both are people, among others, whose diet advice I'd take.  They've both shown their "realness" and I appreciate it.

Let's see what tomorrow brings.


Wednesday, May 27, 2015

Missing in Inaction I am...

...I've clearly been missing in inaction.


I've gained a LOT of weight.  There.  I said it.

I haven't gained all of it back, but I'm close.  I've been knocking myself, beating myself up, chiding myself, making bets with myself, making promises to myself, BREAKING promises to myself.  I've been embarrassed because I've gained weight - I've been upset, pissed off - all of those feelings and emotions that others have felt.

I was thinking about how I needed to just get back to writing - to begin again with being an active partner with myself about getting healthy, staying healthy, and being healthy.  But those old, familiar negative feelings crept back in and just surrounded me.  Of course, it didn't all.  And then the games I play with myself.

It's all so much bullshit.  Why?!?!  WHY?!?!?!?! Why do I allow these negative thoughts and feelings about my weight to become so consuming?  How did I let my weight become ME again?

I've been struggling really hard over the last few days and have thought hard about those early days last year.  Last year this time, I was SO excited for my daughter to come home so she could see the weight I'd lost.  I remember the comments my son made when he saw me when he came home from school.  Well, we saw them this past weekend - son's graduation - and neither of them said anything about my weight at all even though I'm sure they can tell I've gained.

At some point during the weekend, I realized that they don't see me as my weight - they see me as just their mama.  That calmed me down a little.  But still, it's not about them, it's about me.  It's funny how you feel like you're so alone in all of this some times.  I mean - I am the ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO HAS LOST WEIGHT ONLY TO GAIN IT BACK.

It's such a shameful feeling - I hate that feeling, but I'm not the only person this has ever happened to.  I thought of dear Diva - she lost a whole bunch of weight a few years ago only to gain it back.  And what did she do?  She got back on the horse, learned from her experience, and is doing better than ever.  If she can do it, so can I!

So far, this week has been good and I've been sticking with the new old ways.  There's a renewed sense, though quite tenuous, of strength.  I've not been tempted and I can see the goal in the future.  At this moment, my path forward is clear.

Having said that, I weighed this morning and was quite disappointed.  I expected it, but I'm still disappointed.  But it is what it is.  The only thing I can do is just try again tomorrow.

I read Diva's blog this evening - seems like it's karma.  Diva - I AM HERE!