Well...here I am...
...I've clearly been missing in inaction.
I've gained a LOT of weight. There. I said it.
I haven't gained all of it back, but I'm close. I've been knocking myself, beating myself up, chiding myself, making bets with myself, making promises to myself, BREAKING promises to myself. I've been embarrassed because I've gained weight - I've been upset, pissed off - all of those feelings and emotions that others have felt.
I was thinking about how I needed to just get back to writing - to begin again with being an active partner with myself about getting healthy, staying healthy, and being healthy. But those old, familiar negative feelings crept back in and just surrounded me. Of course, it didn't help...at all. And then the games I play with myself.
It's all so much bullshit. Why?!?! WHY?!?!?!?! Why do I allow these negative thoughts and feelings about my weight to become so consuming? How did I let my weight become ME again?
I've been struggling really hard over the last few days and have thought hard about those early days last year. Last year this time, I was SO excited for my daughter to come home so she could see the weight I'd lost. I remember the comments my son made when he saw me when he came home from school. Well, we saw them this past weekend - son's graduation - and neither of them said anything about my weight at all even though I'm sure they can tell I've gained.
At some point during the weekend, I realized that they don't see me as my weight - they see me as just their mama. That calmed me down a little. But still, it's not about them, it's about me. It's funny how you feel like you're so alone in all of this some times. I mean - I am the ONLY PERSON IN THE WORLD WHO HAS LOST WEIGHT ONLY TO GAIN IT BACK.
It's such a shameful feeling - I hate that feeling, but I'm not the only person this has ever happened to. I thought of dear Diva - she lost a whole bunch of weight a few years ago only to gain it back. And what did she do? She got back on the horse, learned from her experience, and is doing better than ever. If she can do it, so can I!
So far, this week has been good and I've been sticking with the new old ways. There's a renewed sense, though quite tenuous, of strength. I've not been tempted and I can see the goal in the future. At this moment, my path forward is clear.
Having said that, I weighed this morning and was quite disappointed. I expected it, but I'm still disappointed. But it is what it is. The only thing I can do is just try again tomorrow.
I read Diva's blog this evening - seems like it's karma. Diva - I AM HERE!