Monday, August 31, 2015

Failing to plan I am... was a case of failing to plan, but I think I did okay.

I've been trying to get to work quite earlier for the past few months.  It's a quieter (more quiet?) time of day and the parking is MUCH better.  If someone had told me six months ago that I'd want to get up at 4:30 am, I'd have told them they were crazy.  Now...I'm the crazy one!

And...I didn't make it today.  I slept until 5:05 and then felt rushed to get out the door.  I didn't make up the time, so I arrived later than usual - still early but not early enough.  I did take the time to make my breakfast, 4 ounces of brisket with a very high fiber tortilla - 12 grams!

That worked fine until lunch.  There was no combination in the cafeteria that I could make work.  Wait - let me take that back; there was a salad bar, but for some reason I couldn't deal with salad today.  There was a bean and bacon soup, so I had that instead.

That worked fine until mid-afternoon when I got hungry.  There's a vending machine, but I haven't bought anything from a vending machine in YEARS and I wasn't going to start today.  The secretary had some trail mix-y/popcorn-y stuff, so I grabbed a handful of that...then I grabbed another.

On the way home, hubster called to tell me that he was going to be working late - like 9 pm late, so that alters dinner - though I didn't have any particular plan for dinner.  After talking to hubster, I realized I had to stop and get gas because I forgot to fill up over the weekend...rather, hubster forgot to fill up my car!

Anyway, I stop to get the gas and go in to get something to drink.  They have prepared food there.  They had hotdogs, so I thought I'd just get a plain ol' hotdog and be done with it.  I ate the hotdog on the way home.

When I pull up in the driveway, the front door is WIDE OPEN.  WTH?  I have folks in the house for the remodel, but I left specific instructions to not EVER leave the door open because I didn't want Maggie the Cat to get out.  I was pissed and walked in fussing.  I think the poor guy is still scared.  However, I'm confident that he will not be leaving the front door open any more.

I putter around the house and then decide to eat the leftover slow cooked pork I made last week.  After eating the pork, I decided to check the nutritional information for that stupid hotdog.  According to the company's website, that stupid hotdog was 770 calories.

Now, I'm not much of a calorie counter, but holey pajoley.  I would have estimated about 400 calories - I was off by HALF!!  To top it off - the sodium content was almost 2000 mg!!!

So - this day was a bust on a bunch of levels.  I was really only conscious about what I was doing for the first half of the day...okay, okay...only for breakfast.  I should have had a more substantial lunch to stave off the munchies in the afternoon or else I should have had something suitable at work to munch on later.

There was a part of me saying that the day was still less than 100 g carb, so it's okay.  That might be so, but they were shitty carbs with little to no nutritional value.  Yup - that bs justification floating around in the wings.

I know better.  So why don't I do better!?!?!  That's the $64,000 dollar question.

I will have the brisket/tortilla thingie again and then I'll take some brisket for lunch and get a small salad from the salad bar.  I'll also take some almonds with me for the afternoon.

Call me Scarlet...tomorrow is another day! 


Sunday, August 30, 2015

Signs I am...


Clearly I've been absent.  And in this case, my absence means that I've not been doing all.  At least weight-wise.  Many other things are going well - I'm doing things I never thought I'd do - both personally and professionally..

But there's that big ol' fat fuckin' failure in the back of my mind - I've regained almost all the weight I lost.

So there.

As the scale was climbing, I kept thinking that I had to get this in check and I started making all the ultimatums I'd made before.  Ultimatums never work - know that.  And the harder I got on myself, the worse it got - to the point that I felt...and still do...feel like an utter failure and a total fake.  As a consequence, I stopped writing as often, and then quit writing at all because I didn't want to talk about my lack of success or how I felt - that would just really make it real.  Diva had recommended a book, "The Diet Fix"; I started it, but didn't finish it.

And then it just got worse.  I don't need to rehash what I did.  Suffice it say that all the old behaviors came back in full force.

And then I started feeling like shit.  My knees and feet started hurting, my ankles were swollen at the end of the day, I was tired all the time, I couldn't move as well, and I was really beating myself up with an awful lot of negative self-talk.  I couldn't face writing anything down.

But then one day, I was able to recall the resolve I had at the beginning.  I thought to myself that I would just do the best I could at the time and not beat myself up when I screwed up.  It's taken me a while to get in the groove - and while I'm not in the trenches yet, I think I might be getting there.

Fast forward to the weekend - the house is a wreck.  The renovations have taken on serious scope creep so I'm always trying to stay a little ahead of the mess.  I have my own home office that was never fully unpacked and was in danger of becoming the catch-all for everything that didn't have a place - exactly what I didn't want.  And like my weight-loss efforts, I hadn't tried to tackle the mess, so it only got worse.  At the beginning of each weekend, I would say to myself that I was going to get that office in order "THIS WEEKEND". Of course, "THIS WEEKEND" never came until this weekend.

The office looks amazing and while my books aren't sorted - they're on the shelves.  I finished most of it yesterday, but then had a few boxes left over to finish up today.  While I unpacked the last boxes this morning, I came across a book of mine that I swear I've never seen before.  The title is "Take It Off and Keep It Off" by Anonymous.  It says it's based on the successful methods of Overeaters Anonymous.

I have never seen this book before and don't remember ever buying it.  Was it a sign?

After getting my office in order, I decided to get my email in order.  I have 3 email accounts - one for junk, one for my personal stuff, and one for my weight-loss stuff.  I don't bother the junk one and didn't consider checking the weight-loss one.  By mistake, I pulled up the weight-loss email account and saw an email sent at the end of July by a lady named Barbara.  In short, she wrote:
"...Your writing is great and interesting...Thought you would like some feedback.  So whether your weight is up or down it's still very interesting and helpful to read about your experiences."
I thought it was awfully nice for someone to notice that I'd been a no-show.  It was even nicer for them to take the time to find my email address on the blog and send me a note.

Was it a sign?

So I go ahead and start clearing up my main email account.  It's got over 15000 emails.  Yes.  15000!  Was it indicative of how other areas of my world have gotten out of control as well.  As I'm deleting emails, I come across an email from a dear friend in Maryland who also struggles with her weight and read the blog.

I noticed that she had started making entries on FatSecret - how cool is that?!?!  She's doing it!!!  Then I came across an email she wrote me on 8/20 that I had not seen at all!  In short, her email said:
"...OK, you have not written for months- what's up with that? is time to buckle back down to writing before you get side tracked...I just started this week, so I'm not seeing much progress yet.  but misery loves company, so how about joining me?"
Was that a SIGN?!?!?!  Now, I'm not superstitious, but holey moley!!!  All roads are leading me here today, so here I am. 

I just started crying for some reason - don't really know why.

All I can do is try.

Thank you Barbara, the kind email-sending lady.

Thank you Hilary.  Thank you for being such a good friend.  Love you!  Miss you!