Wednesday, September 30, 2015

A quickie I am...

...It's time for a quickie.

It's been crazy as all get out and all sorts of things going on.

Austin was awesome!  How could it not be awesome when I got to spend the weekend with my kids!?!?!

The wedding was good.  It helped a lot that I was the designated drive for my daughter.  The reception lasted 10 hours!!  10 full hours!!  On the drive back to Austin, I stopped at Whataburger to get food for my daughter - she needed to eat, so I ate.  Then on Sunday, we ate at Chuy's - my favorite Tex-Mex in the world.  I had a cup of tortilla soup and fish tacos.  The downer there was dessert, but it was split three ways.  Not a killer and I felt it was a good compromise.  I can remember a time where I ate the entire dessert by myself.  This time it was three or four good bites that I enjoyed and then it was done.

When I got home Sunday night, it was back to the routine and it's been on point since then.

Other things this week are that I got the results of an overnight oximetry test I did Monday evening.  Over an 8 hour period, I had 262 deep desaturation events.  In plain speak, my oxygen levels drop more than 5% in a two minute period.  The other ass-kicker is that my average oxygen levels are 84% and it should be 95% or greater.

No damn wonder I live my life tired!  Even when I try to get a good night's sleep, I can't!  I've become well-versed in the affects of sleep deprivation in the last few days.   I'm more than willing to fix this.  I don't know if the doctor will want a formal sleep study, another oximetry test with a CPAP, or go straight to a CPAP. 

Hubster and the kids all complain about how horrible I sound when I breathe at night and how terrible my snoring is.  As the kids so indelicately put it, " sound like two Orcas having sex."

I just wanna know how they know what Orcas having sex sounds like!

I'm excited at the prospect of having this issue taken care of.  It will have all sorts of little positive effects throughout a lot of areas of my life from just sleeping better to improving my blood pressure and yes, even to helping with my weight.  Not earth shattering improvements, but I'll take them!

On another front, I've done something to my hip.  It's been "catching" since Monday and when it catches, it knocks me almost to the floor.  A nerve gets hit or something and I just can't predict when it's gonna happen.  When I woke up this morning, I could feel it in my foot before I even got out of bed.  If it's not better by Friday, I'm gonna have an x-ray.

The food front has been good this week.  No freaking out and nothing overboard.  It helps so much that we've been eating at home.  I think hubster is back on board with what I'm trying to do.  Funny how hubsters are.  In my hubster's case, he really is an "action is louder than words" kind of fellow.  He feels like words get him in trouble.  In any event, I appreciate his actions.  For example, we had steaks the other night.  We had gotten back in to the habit of having a big ol' steak each.  This week, he took one steak and cut it in half.  The very thing to do.  Of course, it could be because the doctor told him to lose 30 lbs.

Anyway, I wanted to touch base with myself here.


Thursday, September 24, 2015

A New Doctor I am...

I had a visit with a new doctor yesterday.

Given my medical history and my permanent need for thyroid medication, I have to keep a doctor around.  And just let me say, it can take time to train a new doctor.  I've been known to walk out on a doctor when they don't realize that we're partners.  I'm not of the mind that doctors are necessarily smarter than the patient.  Besides, no one is more invested in my continual breathing than me.

I was a bit nervous about how the new doctor would react when he found out he had a two-time cancer patient on his hands.  He handled it well and didn't over-react.  He's only the second doctor I've had that's done that.

Hubster had seen him the day before.  When I asked him how it went, he told me the doctor said, "Look fatty - you've got to lose 30 pounds in the next six months."  Shit - I damn near went apoplectic.  He didn't tell me he was joking until yesterday morning.  Bonehead.

When I weighed yesterday morning, the scale was up 1.4.  The increase was totally due to dinner out the night before with a girlfriend - chicken wings and curds.  Not particularly bad, but not the norm.  Eating out regardless of what it is always leads to a short-term increase on the scale the next morning.  I believe it's because of the sodium because I can feel it in my hands.

So here's the mind game.

I knew I had to weigh at the doctor's office, so in the morning, I thought that I would eat breakfast and then not eat/drink anything for the rest of the day so the scale wouldn't be so heavy.

What kind of horseshit is that?  How many times have I done that before?  How many other people do the very same thing.

There are times that I don't eat until very late in the day but it's because I get busy and things get in the way.  Purposely planning to do it because of a number on a scale and the doctor will go "tsk tsk"??


I realized that it was a true emotional reaction and I so don't want to be emotional about weight anymore because it's a big contributor to why my ass is the size of a barn.  I want to be normal.  Just normal - nothing more, nothing less.

It turned out the day way busy, but I got a bowl of soup from the cafeteria.  Normal size - not super-sized or anything.  I'm a big drinker, so I drank throughout the day.  And on the hour drive back to town to see the doctor I still drank.

When I got to the office, of course I had to pee.  I pee 5042 times a day because I drink so much.  And when I weighed?

Well when I went to get on the scale I pre-set it up about 6 pounds from what I weighed in the morning.  It was later in the day, I had clothes on, and I had eaten and drank throughout the day.  It's natural that the number on the scale would be higher.

But the scale was a little bit less than what I weighed in the morning!  The nightmare number I had expected did not materialize.

It was a good lesson to a good time too.

The doctor was just about right.  We had a good conversation and he seemed to be more of a helper/partner than a dictator - always a good thing.

He obviously asked about my history and my current diet.  I told him about the previous weight loss and the total regaining.  He simply asked what happened.  I don't think I totally understood...totally realized...totally GOT...why I gained the weight back until I told him yesterday.

I gained it back because everything else became more important.  On the list of importance, I was #158.  There are other things that contributed of course, but they're all secondary to the root cause of not making myself #1.  I have no defense other than it's sometimes hard to juggle everything.

Anyway, we talked more and he didn't offer a diet, but rather asked me about my diet.  I told him I was not eating processed sugar at all, at least 30 g protein at each meal, and not worrying about fat content at all.  He said - and I quote - "You clearly know what you're doing."

WHAT??????  A doctor who's good with not worrying about fat????  AWESOME!!!

I think I may love this doctor.  I so appreciate that he's not scared of fat and protein.

We talked a bit about fruit.  Last time, I didn't eat any fruit except for strawberries/blueberries.  This time I'm eating about one piece of fruit a day.  He said the fruit wouldn't hurt anything.  I commented that sugar was sugar.  He countered that you get more from fruit than just sugar and that the fiber and other nutrients were good things.  That may be true, but I still think that cruciferous vegetables are better for you than fruit.  But OK, I'll concede....a little.

I see him again on December 15 and he said he thinks I could lose 20 pounds by then and 50 pounds over the next year.  So...there's a challenge.

On another note, I'm leaving this evening for Austin to attend my daughter's best friend's wedding.  It's going to be a challenging weekend and I'm still figuring out how I'm going manage and keep on track.  Oddly, I feel like I have a block and I can't think clearly about what the challenges may be - almost like an avoidance mentality.  I think it's too soon in this restart to have to restart again, so I've got to figure it out.  I'm going to try to keep it all in sight without fixating.


Sunday, September 20, 2015

Clothes Shopping I am...

...I've been clothes shopping.

...and it sucked.

I'm heading to Texas next weekend for my daughter's best friend's wedding.  It's amazing to see how these little giggly girls have grown into such beautiful young women.

I checked my closet and because of the weight gain nothing fits.  My work clothes won't work well because they're all black. I went.

It was incredibly frustrating because the sizes are up again - 22's.  As if shopping wasn't bad enough, all I could think of was how I've failed.  I was in 18s and XLs in January and now I'm right back where I started.  I was getting to the point where I had options and could find clothes that looked good.  And now, there are few options.  I felt like I was just settling for something that fit.  Actually there was no feeling to it - it was exactly what I did - I settled.

I hate it.  Flat out hate it.  Scream at the top of my lungs hate it.

The day just made me think of everything in negative terms and reminded me of how far I've fallen and how far have to go.  It's hard to get out of that mindset sometimes with one negative thought leading to another.  You're so fat, you're so ugly, you only got so far and couldn't do it, people are gonna stare at you, you're the fattest person in the room, you must be stupid to be this fat, etc. etc.  AD NAUSEUM

It was quite sobering.  I'm a bit bent out of shape about it, but I do realize that these negative thoughts won't do me a damn bit of good.

The important thing about buying these clothes is that it means I'm going to witness a wonderful young woman get married and I get to spend the weekend with my kids.  Those are the important things.  Further, I don't think my fatness is going to be on anyone's radar.

The week was good.  It wasn't perfect, but it was definitely an improvement over previous week.  I even had one day that was totally on.  I'm trying to get back to the place where my diet consists completely of non-processed foods.

Another thing that got me to thinking this week was something I said.  I was in a meeting this week and someone said, "I hope we meet this deadline."  I immediately commented, "Hope is not a plan.  We will make this deadline."  Anyway, a fellow who works for me came to my office afterward and said that he really liked what I said.  I'm sure I've heard it before, but don't remember where.  But it's true - hope is not a plan.

So in like fashion, I can't hope to lose weight, I can't hope to be healthy, I'm gonna have to plan both.  I've gotta watch for curves in the roads and the bottlenecks, but I've gotta plan.

And besides dammit - I'm not giving up.  IT - whatever IT is might have won the battle, but I WILL WIN THE WAR!


Tuesday, September 15, 2015

A day on point I am...

...I had a day on point.

The didn't start out differently than any other day, but it turned out that I had the best "on point" day in a long time.  There was no obsessing, I effortlessly made the right choices, and I just basically kept my ducks in a row.

Breakfast was a single scrambled egg with two slices of bacon and a piece of breakfast sausage.  Lunch was a salad - grilled chicken, a little blue cheese, lettuce, broccoli, cauliflower, cucumbers, and tomatoes.  It was such a pretty salad that I took a picture of it.

I didn't get to eat said salad until almost 2 pm and I was actually hungry.  I added some dressing, but I'm not a slobbery dressing person - I like it to accent, not drown the salad.

I shared my strawberries during a mid-afternoon meeting, but kept those dutch cocoa sunflower seed bite thingies - Somersaults - to myself!

I had a meeting that ran late, so I didn't leave until after 6 and got home close to 7.   This would normally mess up my day, but hubster made dinner - steaks and asparagus.  I was glad of it too!

I bought a Takeya Flash Tea thingie at Sam's last night.  I'd seen them before, but thought they were too expensive for my tastes, so when I saw it for less than $20, I bought it.  It's gonna make it much easier at work to have tea instead of soda.  I like soda, but I don't feel bad if I don't have it.  The cafeteria doesn't have tea and I don't always takes the time to pour a thermos of tea.  Water doesn't quite cut it for me.  Unsweetened tea is a much better option for me, so this is a good route.  I'm sure I could have gotten a regular old container and done the same thing, but that's not quite the point.

Overall, it was a pretty good day.  I'll take it!

And...I'll try...yet again...tomorrow!


Self-created frustration I am...

...thinking about self-created frustration.

So the day started off well.  The scale was down 3.4 lbs from last Tuesday - not quite a week.  I don't know that the week was particularly good, but I tried.  Still a lot of things in the way.

Breakfast was half and half in my coffee, one scrambled egg, and three thin slices of bacon.  Reasonable.

I also packed a chia seed-type snack and a bunch of strawberries for work.  I had them throughout the day.

Lunch was an awesome salad - grilled chicken, lettuce, broccoli, cauliflower, cucumber, asparagus, radishes...and that was it.

Good day...

Well....I had to pick up a prescription after work, so off I went.  While waiting, I decided to take my blood pressure on those stupid machines they have there.  Yup - blood pressure is still high.

What else did this stupid machine have?

It could also weigh me.

So what the hell did I do?

I weighed.

BIG mistake.

The scale was up 6 pounds from this morning.  It knocked me for a loop and really dampened the success I had up until that point in the day.

And the thing is - it shouldn't have at all.  NOT AT ALL.  First of all, it wasn't the same scale.  Secondly, thirdly, fourthly, was 14 hours from when I weighed in the morning, I had eaten throughout the entire day, I was retaining water, I was fully clothed.  Hell, I was even wearing my shoes!!!  I know better than to even compare different scale.

It took me a little bit to recoup from the number on the scale.  And while I did recoup, it still left a little nagging, little bit of something - still a sense of failure.

We still had more things to do in town and hubster and I were tired.  We got hung up at one store.  We thought we'd be in and out in no time, but it ended up taking much longer than we anticipated.

On the way guessed it...we picked up dinner.  Quick Mexican food - burritos and tacos.  I tore off all the extra tortilla I could, but it was not an ideal dinner.  I had an extra crispy taco, but I was full, so I told hubster it was his.

It wasn't a perfect day and while it wasn't a complete disaster, it could have been better.

I'll try again tomorrow.


Sunday, September 13, 2015

Moving along I am...

...moving along.

It has been a perfect week, but it was an acceptable week.  I'm getting back on track and developing some discipline and awareness.  The scale is down over the week.  I'll start posting my weight again soon.  It's still higher than my original starting weight, but headed in the right direction.

Hubster was out of town for most of the week on a trip I had forgotten about.  Actually, I'm thinking he forgot to tell me!  Anyway, the first night was rough and was fast food.  Normally, I'll do something in the crock pot and just eat it all week, but we had just returned from Memphis and I was unprepared.  However, for the rest of the nights I ate unbreaded chicken wings - I'm the most boring eater.  Good decisions at lunches - salad bar each day and the cafeteria guy will give me a chicken breast off-menu, so that was good to know.

Last night was a steakhouse - I ate half and had the other half for dinner tonight.  Lunch today was in a town south of here with some friends.  I had a chicken panini and tea.  The serving was quite reasonable, so I think it was okay.  Afterwards, we walked around an art show and I bought these two pieces.

I dunno what it is that I like about either of them except I do - one is red and the other is different....and both of them "talk" to me.

We also picked up two kittens from a co-worker while we were in Pokie today.  We have a vole problem and while it's cute that hubster looks like Carl from Caddyshack as he walks the property, it's too much for him particularly when we have grain fields in front and behind our house.  These kittens are adorable!!  The kids are saying they are gonna be indoor cats in no time, but they will have to remain outdoor cats.

In thinking about this past week, dinner last night stands out.  I ordered a 16 oz steak with salad and sweet potato - actually it was a yam - none of that caramel stuff and marshmellow stuff though.  I couldn't eat more than half of it.  There have been times in the past where I felt almost obligated to eat the entire thing - clean plate and all that bullshit.  And while I ate a little past full before I realized it, I'm glad I stopped.  I didn't feel deprived or negative.  I can remember a panicky-type feeling in the past - like if I didn't eat it all, I may never get it again.  Intellectually, I know it's silly, but sometimes - oftentimes - the emotion overcame the reasoning.  I'm glad it didn't last night.  I had a good feeling about it last night and again when we ate the leftovers tonight.

The coming week should be good.  I can't see anything on the horizon that is going to be difficult - I hope it stays that way.  I'm going to work to maintain an even keel regarding food.

I'm trying.


Sunday, September 6, 2015

Memphis I am...

...hanging out in Memphis.

We came to Memphis on Thursday night to surprise my father-in-law for his 80th birthday.  Because of various family dynamics, this was the first time all the siblings had been together in more than a decade.

The buildup to the visit - the anticipation - was a bit stressful wondering how it would all go.  Hubster and I just kept thinking that it was for his dad - who really deserves a wonderful time.  So far, so good.  Everyone is low-key and mostly behaving - there's a few odd behaviors, but they're being ignored and overlooked.

We arrived really late Thursday and are staying in a hotel.  They have made to order breakfasts in the morning, so I had an omelet in Friday morning - good choice.  Actually the breakfast choices have been on point - so no worries there.

Dinner on Friday was bbq - ribs, pork, beef, and chicken in Friday.  Good choices there and very reasonable portions of potato salad and slaw - seriously perhaps a 1/2 cup each.

Last night's dinner was the shindig - Ruth's Chris steakhouse.  I did okay there.  I ordered a ribeye and it was only okay.  But what was I doing?  I was eating it past the point of nutritional need...and it wasn't even "all that".  When I had that realization, I stopped and gave the rest to hubster.

As for the rest of the meal, my daughter and I split a baked potato and I didn't have all of it.  I dunno - they're not my thang.  Then hubster and I split the spinach au gratin and there were leftovers of that too.

For such an expensive restaurant, I was surprised at the size of the portions.  I *love* to eat and I thought they needed to show that the portions were big enough to share.  While others said their food was really good, I thought it was just so so.  Given the bill - over $1000 for 10 people - I didn't think they lived up to their reputation.  I wouldn't choose to go there again.

The other issue is alcohol.  There's a lot of free-flowing alcohol.  While I have had wine, I've sipped slowly or else had tea.  I've volunteered to be the DD for my family, so it's working out okay.  But it will  still amount to an entire bottle over these 4 days.

This particular post has been a bit interesting.  I'm typing it from my phone - it's felt a little more diary-ish.

There's a lot more I want to say - but it will have to wait.  It's my turn to shower!


Wednesday, September 2, 2015

What a week I am...

...what a week.

It seems my days are packed, but I don't feel like I'm getting anything done.  Today was one of those days.  I think part of my verklemptedness is how the day is starting.  With all the work being done in the house, we're just every where.  I shower in the basement, but get ready in the half-bath upstairs and dress in the laundry room.  I'll be so...

Actually...this is just an excuse.  My days are packed and I don't feel like I'm getting anything done; however, I'm just flat out not making the best choice when I have the opportunity.  I mean, sometimes I have no choice and I have to make do, but even then I could plan better.  Sometimes, I do have a choice, but I don't always pick the lesser of two evils.  That's fine to do sometimes, but not with the regularity I have.

The only really good food choice I made today was when I told hubster that I just flat out did not want to go out to dinner.  There were a multitude of good reasons for it.  At the same time, it brings up another subject for me though and I understand the issue in my head, but I'm not sure I can explain it.  It only happens at the end of the day as well.

I was running late this morning because my schedule was off since I was spending the day in meetings at another location.  So what did I do?  I ran by the gas station on the way to work.  What the hell is it with me?

At lunch, it was the cafeteria.  I had a choice between a corn chowder with lots of corn and potatoes or shepherd's pie with broccoli.  I chose the pie since it was the better choice - there was very little potato.

So - after work, I had to run across town for a manicure and the traffic was on my side.  I passed by Dairy Queen and saw that there was no line, which meant I had extra I stopped for a medium blizzard.  It filled me up and I ate it on the way to the nail place.  The time was about 5:45...right at dinner time.

After the manicure, I ran by the mall to see if there was anything on sale.  We're going to visit the in-laws this weekend and I thought it would be nice to have something new.  As usual, the plus-sized clothes have no style.  I was SO CLOSE to regular sizes not that long ago...*sigh*

On the way home, I called hubster and told him what I'd been doing.  He asked what I wanted for dinner and gave me some restaurant options.  From the frustration at the store and the full feeling...or rather the realization of the full feeling...I told hubster that I didn't want to go anywhere for dinner, but just stay home.  I did not tell him about the visit to DQ.

Anyway, this was the first time I think in my entire life that I realized that having something that substantial that close to meal time should count as the meal itself.  I'm making no claims on the nutritional value of it - just really the caloric value.  I mean...a dinner meal is supposed to be eaten at a table with meat and vegetables.  It doesn't count if it's ice cream eaten in the car.

So I didn't eat "dinner" - though I did have 3 chicken wing drumettes - just trying to be honest here...and it's effing hard.

I didn't do well today, but I'm not giving up.  It's what I did and I can't undo it, but I will keep on going. 

I don't know that I'll be able to post while we're out of town.  I might just try - it's gonna be stressful as hell.