Sunday, October 16, 2016

10/17/2016 I am...

...always running to keep up lately!

Normally, when bloggers don't blog for a while, it means they're fallen off the wagon.  I'm happy to say that's not the case here.  I'm still going to WW for some accountability.  I'm down 13.4 lbs since the end of August.

I don't particularly agree with WW's emphasis on penalizing fats, but I absolutely agree with their emphasis on getting rid of added sugars.  So - I continue to eat the way I eat - meats, veggies, and minimal fruit.  My issue is volume and quantity and this program is helping me maintain awareness of that issue.

As a consequence, I'm learning - relearning actually - that it's the big picture that matters, but all the little decisions matter as well.  One screw-up today doesn't mean I need to throw in the towel.  The success of the big picture does indeed come from the little decisions.  I've got two recent examples.

I had a 2 day work retreat a few weeks ago and just flat out stopped thinking about what I was doing and made mindless choices.  There was enough variety food that I could have made good choices, but I didn't - I just gave up.  I wasn't able to attend a meeting that week so I didn't have that accountability and it just led to a second week of non-accountability.  When I finally weighed after two weeks, I had a nice GAIN.  It was big enough that it wasn't in the daily fluctuation.

That was an incredible example of not taking charge and letting shit happen.

Another example at the other end of the spectrum was Saturday a few weeks ago.  I attended a party at a co-worker's house.  The theme was Southern - so I baked a pecan pie for the party.  I've made so many pecan pies in my life that I rarely eat an entire slice - a bite to taste is sufficient for me.  However - all the other stuff at this party - well, I didn't hold back.  There were frog legs, fried chicken, fried catfish, macaroni and cheese, and all kinds of other stuff.  Then, later that afternoon and evening, we watched a college football game and TAMU won - WHOOP! -  and I ate and celebrated there as well.

Throughout that picnic, I didn't have a crap-ton of everything, but a rather conservative amount of everything I wanted.  The same thing with dinner that night.  My food was very conservative, but I had a bourbon drink and a shot of Irish whiskey.  This racked up points.

Now this wasn't a usual day, but I still made sure I accounted for it all and the points were staggering.  I used all the daily points as well as all the weekly points.  Okay - that sucked, but I wasn't going to beat myself up about it.  God knows I need to be done beating myself up about food, weight, and a whole slew of other things.  Anyway, instead of beating myself up - I was super diligent the rest of the week.  I made sure I ate good proteins and really loaded up on veggies.  It was a good thing and I ended up the week with a nice LOSS.

This is a great example of taking charge and making shit happen.

Out of all this, I'm trying to learn to just live healthy, get the weight off, and not obsess.  I'm learning is that I need to be mindful all the time.  I'm also learning that it's a fine line between being mindful and obsessing.

I'm still working out with the trainer.  We've switched one of the workouts to a yoga/pilates mix - I think that will suit me better and perhaps help with some of my back issues.  On the days that we do weights, we've switched to a bootcamp style of workout.  I do three sets and each set has four exercises and each set is done 3 times with 15 reps each of each exercise.  It kicks my ass, but I'm feeling stronger.  If someone had told me that I'd be doing 60 lbs on my triceps, I would have told them they were crazy.

Yesterday was a big anniversary for me.  It was 13 years ago that I had my left kidney removed due to kidney cancer.  It was the beginning of a rough road that lasted several years.  Paradoxically, it was also the beginning of the weight gain due to a second thyroid cancer diagnosis and severe depression.  While I don't like being overweight, this is infinitely preferable to the alternative.


Wednesday, September 7, 2016

9/7/2016 I am...

Things are moving along.

I joined WW with a friend of mine on 8/26 - the day before my 55th birthday.  My thinking is that I'm quite the volume eater, so perhaps I would still eat what I eat - basically LCHF - but that via WW, I would be able to get the volume of food under control.

The first week's weigh-in had me down 8.4 lbs.  Good for me.

I still get frustrated with it - the two meeting leaders I've experienced so far are not very inspirational and relayed some flat-out stupid and wrong information.  The comment was that water was good for you because it had oxygen - as in oxygen gas - as in it converted to breathable oxygen when you drank it.  As a chemist, this sends me over the moon and I just want to scream and run away with my arms flailing in the air.

My friend, of course, understands this.  She listened to me rant after the meeting and then said we had to sit through the meeting for accountability.  She has a point.  I told hubster I wanted to behave and get the weight off so I wouldn't have to listen to those insufferable women.  I'll take the motivation - in whatever form it presents itself.

Having said that, I must say that while I've never been a points - of any kind - fan, this new system does seem to be moving in the right direction by actually pushing you in to making good food choices and penalizing poor food choices.  It has indeed made me think about the food choices - something I never did on any of the old points programs.  It's also helping me keep check on the amount of food.  I still don't agree with the endless fruit though.

I've also been moving more.  My friend has joined me on the Friday morning strength training (right after the WW meeting) and it kicks my ass - but in a good way.  She and I have also been walking together more often to ensure we - me - gets the 10K steps.  She loves the walking; me - not so much.  However, I am doing it which is the thing that counts. 

I feel like I'm making progress because I'm making good choices more often.  I don't mind it so much when I have to walk a little more.  I've even *chosen* to walk a little more a few times.

I'm doing better with the move to more water.  I've always been a big drinker of anything - coffee, soda, tea, water.  My fluid intake has always been sufficient in volume - I just want to move it to more water and less other stuff.  I still have the coffee in morning, but I've made a concerted effort to have water the rest of the time - most of the time.

Long-term success is a constant concern, but at the moment I can't do anything about it - I can only worry about RIGHT NOW.  That is a tough lesson to learn.


Sunday, August 28, 2016

08/28/2016 I am...

I finally figured out how to deal with the stress of titling a post - I'll just use the date.  Such an easy solution that's taken forever to figure out...silly me.

There's lots of stuff going on lately.  A friend of mine's brother committed suicide on Thursday - I've been worried about her, but she seems to be dealing with it.  She will return from Texas at some point in the coming week.  We also found out today that one of my husband's uncles, and our family favorite, passed away earlier today.  He was 83 and had been dealing with cancer for the last while.  When we lived in Maryland, he would come spend some holidays with us because he lived in northern Virginia.

We've also had fires around here lately.  The Henry's Creek fire started last weekend and has burned almost 53000 acres.  It was visible from our deck - though miles away - earlier in the week.  It's been playing hell with the air quality.  Today was the first "clear" day we've had.  The only positive is that we've had some incredibly beautiful sunsets as a result of the crap in the air.

My 55th birthday was yesterday.  I've been struggling with it - not because I'm 55 (but holy shit - how in the world can I be 55??  I've got the maturity of a 14 year old!), but rather because I'm nowhere near where I wanted to be.  To deal with that, I've been having to do a lot of talking to myself.  While I'm not near a goal weight, I'm doing an awful lot of good things that are gonna help me get to where I want to be.

I've been working out regularly with the trainer - so that's a very good thing.  I've also been working on being more active when I'm not working out with some success.  Not perfect, but I am doing better.  One change up in the workout is that a friend of mine who also works out with the same trainer has joined me for the Friday session.

Can I just tell you that it kicked both our asses?  It's Sunday and I'm more sore today than I've been in a long time.  We're not competing at all, but I think the rest intervals are less because we don't want to keep the other one waiting.  She's quite sore as well, so at least I'm not alone.  Since the weather was pretty, she and I also walked 2.3 miles together today.  I thought the walking would help with some of the soreness from Friday's workout, but it did not.

The biggest thing I've done though is that I joined Weight Watchers this past Friday (8/26).  My friend also joined with me - I think for the first time ever, it will good to have a partner in crime for this.  I'll say at the outset that I'm not a fan of counting points and such and I don't plan to majorly change my way of eating because I believe it is the way to go for me.  The one change I've made is to add some fruit.

My problem is volume.  There's no doubt in my mind at all that my problem is that I'm a volume eater.  I don't seem to have a natural "off" switch when it comes to eating, so getting portion sizes under control can't be anything but a good thing.  Having said that, I will be adhering to the plan guidelines and counting and staying within the daily/weekly points as required of the plan.  I don't plan to use the activity points - though I've earned 43 since Friday according to the WW app (which is sync'd to my Fitbit).  I think that's a good thing.

On the volume eating thing, last Thursday is a good example.  Hubster and I went to Texas Roadhouse and we both ordered the 16 oz. ribeye.  I absolutely could have eaten my entire steak and the only reason I didn't is because hubster stopped at about half a steak.  Since I didn't want to look like a pig, I stopped.  It's good that I stopped, but there's something wonky about the reason I stopped.

One thing I've discovered lately is fruit and purple onions in salad.  OMG - it's fantastic and just about removes the need for any sort of salad dressing.

That's about it.  Lots of stuff going on, but it's all a part of life I suppose.


RIP Uncle Julius.  We will miss you.

Monday, August 8, 2016

In a zone I am... a zone.

Things have been good lately.  Things seem to be falling in to place in my head - nothing high, nothing low - just even and level.  Decisions are easy at the moment and I can see the road and the goal ahead.  All the bullshit is just falling effortlessly by the wayside.  If I could bottle it, I would because the struggle right now is minimal.  Seems hard to believe that I could ever feel any other way.

I've got to learn how to maintain this strength, this resolve for a lifetime.  I've always told myself that it all matters, but in the end "all" really isn't that much.  I have to be kind to myself, I have to make time for myself, I have to be mindful in making food choices, and I have to be patient.  If I can continue to do these four things, I can reach this goal that has seemed, at times, insurmountable.

Exercise has always been an issue for me - it's not something I naturally gravitate to and I've had back issues lately, so I have to be mindful of that, but I've come up with what I think may be a solution.  Now all I have to do is DO IT!

I meet with Mr. Evil twice a week and we concentrate on weight lifting.  He really does kick my ass - it is never easy and he refuses to believe that I'm a fat old lady that can't do it.  I have to say he is one of the most encouraging people I've come across.  I might even secretly say that I'm enjoying....nevermind...I'm not say that.

That's the only exercise that I've committed to, though he has told me that I need to get 45 minutes of brisk activity on two other days.  While I've been more active overall, it has been hit or miss.

I'm pretty busy at work most days, but it can vary from walking everywhere to where I get close to 7500 steps or it can be a "meeting" day where I get few opportunities to get some steps on the activity monitor.

Given this scenario, I've committed to myself that I'm going to finish each day on the elliptical with the goal of reaching 10000 steps.  If I've walked 7500 steps by the time I get home, I only have to do 2500 steps; if I've passed the 10000 step goal, I'm golden.  However, if I've only done 3000 steps, that means I have some work to do.

As far as the back stuff goes, I've seen everyone - chiropractic, physical therapy - all of it.  The thing that is working is a deep-tissue massage every two weeks.  It has helped me a ton.  I also use a heating pad every day for about an hour after I go to bed at night.  I'm not a pill-popper, so that's not on the table.

I hope, hope, hope that I can maintain this mentality, this frame of mind.  I'll work to make it happen.

One last piece of exciting news for me.  My daughter and I are going to see both Adele and Sia - two days apart in Austin in November!  Yeah!!!  


Sunday, July 31, 2016

An active week and a 5K I am...

...finishing up an active week.

My daughter came home for vacation and while I'd planned to take the entire week off, I had to work Monday and Tuesday.  It's always so good to have her home.

Monday evening was my session with the trainer, Mr. Evil, at my house.  I thought about calling him to cancel since my daughter was home and I wanted to spend time with her.  I quickly realized, however, that it was an excuse - and not a valid one.  So I kept the appointment with him.  Score for me.

Recognizing those excuses for getting out of exercising or eating things that aren't good for me are keeping me on my toes lately.  So far, I'm keeping a handle on it and may even be a little ahead of the game.

Wednesday evening we went out to a local event - basically beer-drinking.  I abstained from all alcohol and drank Diet Coke and water all evening.  Good thing - hubster and my daughter were hammered!  Someone had to be the DD.  Another score for me.

On Thursday, we drove to the southwest corner of Yellowstone and walked along the Falls and Bechler rivers.   Hubster and my daughter wanted to walk the Bechler River Trail from Cave Falls to the ford.   I was looking for reasons not to do it - to let my husband and daughter go while I stayed in the truck.  However, in the end, that behavior is not going to get me where I want to be. So I went.  It was mostly flat with a few elevated areas and rocks/wood blocking the path.  The river (Falls and Bechler) were beautiful as were both Bechler and Cave Falls..  Another score for me.  Here's a few photos.

On Thursday, we again went to get ice cream.  My daughter had seen an article about the best ice cream in each state.  Of course, the best ice cream in Idaho would be right down the road from our house!  The first time we went, I got a kiddie cone.  The second time we went, I didn't get any because first I didn't really care for it - maybe I like shitty ice cream - and secondly, it's not anything special and I can make the decision to get it if I really want it.  So no ice cream the second time.  Score another for me!

Friday morning had me working with the trainer at his gym.  He totally kicked my ass, but it was a workout that made me feel really strong.  I'm starting to prefer doing some of the lower body machine work over free weights and squats - I feel stronger and more successful with the machines.  Yet another score for me.

Our daughter left Friday night, so we were sad to see her go.  However, I was starting to get a little nervous about Saturday because...

I had committed to a 5k. 

I went to bed early Friday night because I knew I needed to get up early - my friend was picking me up at 6:30 am.  I didn't sleep very well and when I woke up at 4:30, all I could think about was what excuse could I make to get out of it.  There were all kinds of excuses going through my mind - I was tired, it might make my back hurt, I was sore from the workout, it was going to be hot.  In the end, I was just being lazy for not wanting to do it - it's easier to not do it.

Again, that thinking isn't going to get me where I want to be, so I got my ass up and got ready.

And yannow what?  I did it.  Hell, I knew I could do it.  Granted we walked it, but we still did it - started it AND finished it! 

I don't know why the hell I did it, but I committed to either running the 5K or else walking the half marathon next year.  The thing about it is that my friend won't let me forget and will hold me to it.

It's been easy to make good food choices this week - I don't know why I'm in control, but I'll take it.

My back is doing better but still giving me twinges.  I was really worried for a while there, but I'm taking care of it!


Sunday, July 17, 2016

Lack of Progress I am...

...suffering from a lack of progress.

Self-induced, but frustrating nonetheless.

I'm still working with the trainer, though we've had scheduling conflicts over the last two weeks - on his part and mine.  We'll be back at it tomorrow.

One struggle I've had lately is back pain.  It's been a real bitch.  I can't really predict what's going to cause it.  It will be excruciating and I'm barely able to walk; later, it won't hurt at all.  I've had a couple of massages and am seeing a DO.  I think he's helping, but it still hurts every day.

On the food front, I continue to struggle.  I'm not doing anything to gain weight, but I'm not doing enough to lose weight.  My weight is wavering between the same 3 pounds for the last...forever it seems.

As far as losing weight goes, I feel like I no longer know how to do anything even though I've been successful in the past.  I don't know where that feeling comes from or even how it comes on.  One minute I'm fine and feeling like I've got this; the next minute, I'm feeling like a failure and just want to throw in the towel.

It doesn't help when you read about the success of long-term weight loss - it's miserly.

Even with this, I still feel more positive than not; I've just got to get my shit together and keep it together.

Since I don't have a magic pill, I will have to continue trying to make changes to some long-lived habits.  Maybe that's the magic pill - changed habits.  Those pills are hard to come by, but I've got to believe, that with hard work and some strong effort, I'll be able to have a permanent prescription.


Sunday, June 26, 2016

Checking in I am...

...checking in.

As usual things are busy.  I've had two work trips in the last two weeks - that's about two trips too much since I'm a homebody.

The first trip was to New Orleans for a conference.  Had lots of seafood, so that was good.  The seafood was fried, so that was bad.  Stayed away from sweets and all that jazz.

The second trip was to Kansas City for a week.  After my arrival, I hauled my ass to the hotel gym and worked out.  I was quite proud of myself.  For the most part, the week went well food-wise.

The trip home Friday was a disaster and it took me almost a full day - 24 hours to get home!  After being gone for a week along with being tired, frustrated, and stressed, I found myself just eating. 

Just eating anything.  The fact that I didn't have anything with me that would be good and didn't have the option of buying anything good was a bit frustrating.

It was an odd thing - it really was like I was watching myself but not doing anything about it.

Things have been fine since then and I work out with Mr. Evil tomorrow - I'm kinda looking forward to it....kinda.

In KCI, I was at a meeting with a woman who works as a part-time fitness instructor along with her full-time career in hard science.  She and I ended up waiting together at the hotel and we had a good conversation.

She talked about how she got into fitness because she knew she had to take care of her body.  She talked about the amazing things that our bodies do and how we should take care of it.  I commented that one day I wanted my arms to look as strong as hers.  She said that my arms were already strong.  I'm not relating the conversation very well.  Suffice it to say, the conversation struck a chord with me.

My body feels a bit stressed - like I'm not as limber as I should be, so I went and got a massage today.  I feel better, but not 100%.

That's about it.


Sunday, June 5, 2016

Still kicking...slowly I am...

...and I'm still kicking...slowly...cuz I'm sore!

I'm still working out with that evil man twice a week - he is kicking my ass...and laughs while he's doing it.

All in all, it's going well.  I still do not like doing it, and while I actively dream of cancelling before every session, I'm starting to feel a little bit better after the session.  During the session, I sometimes feel like I'm being tortured; other times, I want to push myself to be better, stronger, harder.  While I would not push myself the way he pushes me, I definitely push through when I'm working out with Mr. Evil.

I still get pretty sore after the sessions, but it's not insurmountable or anything.  I'm starting to feel that my balance is getting better and I'm starting to feel stronger.  I would like to say that I can see a physical difference, but that is not the case.  There's an awful lot of fat covering those beginning muscles.

Enough of the negativity - I'm doing a good thing here.  Another good thing I'm going to do is go ahead and pay him for another 10 sessions.

I've been thinking about food lately - spurned on by conversations with Mr. Evil.  He talks about what he eats - we do eat similar foods.  But lawdy...the amounts are different.  Even though it's good stuff, it's still too much of the good stuff and my body just can't sustain that.

I can see it in lots of ways.  For example, it's not the fact that I order a medium instead of a large.  However, I do feel like I'm accomplishing something when I don't order the largest.  In reality, I should order the smallest because in almost all cases, it would be nutritionally sufficient.  And while I almost always bring leftovers home when we eat out, I shouldn't be ordering so damn much food in the first place.

Overall, I've lost about 2 pounds in the last few weeks - since I started working out I've pretty much stopped weighing so often.  While that's decent, I should be doing better.

When I smoked, I quit hundreds, if not thousands, of times.  If I had not continued trying, I would still be smoking, but at some point it stuck - cold turkey no less.

It is similar with my weight.  I've had some success, some failures, and something in between.  I'll continue trying until the success is permanent.  One day, I will conquer this fascination with food.

All in all, I think I'm moving forward in a positive direction.


Sunday, May 15, 2016

On track I am...

and I'm on track.

It's been a good weekend and I've gotten a few things done.  I've got some soreness going on, but most in my forearms - weird - but it's nothing unbearable.

The highlight of the weekend was yesterday.  Given that I've committed to exercising 4, four, yes FOUR!!! times a week, I realized that I needed to get some pants of some sort.  So off to the store I went.  When I arrived, the sales clerk asked me if I would like to enter a drawing for a free workout outfit.  I told her only if I won.

Well - I entered and I won!  I got the pants, shirts, and sports bra - my choice of whatever was in the store.  Yeah me!  I bought another pair of pants, so now I will have a pair for each day I *exercise*.  I don't normally mind wearing something twice (is that bad?), but the exception is workout clothing.  I won't have time to wash in between workouts and I don't want to wear them twice, so now I'm prepared and that excuse has been removed.

I also bought a Fitbit yesterday.  So far, so good.  I can see how it could get you motivated.  I've been checking the damn thing all day today.

In addition to our chores out and about town yesterday, we had planned to walk on the way home.  Well, it rained cats and dogs.  To be honest, I was glad because that meant that I didn't have to walk.  That's terrible, but that's what I felt.  So that meant that I needed to walk today.  I committed to the trainer to do this, I am trying to do better, and I want to keep my word.

I still didn't want to do it though.

I get my chores done and I get ready to walk. started raining like crazy.  This was a sign that I didn't need to walk - at least that's the way I wanted to take it.  But I did - I got on my elliptical for 50 minutes.  And still, I disliked all of it.  The chattering that went on in my head to keep me on that elliptical was nonstop.  I fulfilled that commitment for this weekend.

So now, I work out with the trainer tomorrow and then I've got three days to get a long walk in.  This should be doable.  There really are two of me - one trying to talk me in to it; one trying to talk me out of it.

I just checked the Fitbit.  I've got 10102 steps for the day.  Yeah me!

Food was pretty good today.

On a different note - does anyone know what happened to  I love Crabby McSlacker!


Saturday, May 14, 2016

First Workout I am...

I did it!  I had the first workout with the trainer yesterday.

Funny thing is - I don't know what I think about it.

It was quite challenging, but the trainer was supportive and firm.  He did a good job of pushing me, but not pushing me too far.  He had the attitude of "we're here to do a job, so we're going to do it."  I wish I could adequately describe it.  The gym itself is in an old car dealership service center with six bay doors - quite industrial with everything you need to do what you need to do.  What was missing was all the bullshit you usually see at a gym.  It was very much an industrial feel and I'm very happy about that.  I'm glad I won't feel any self-consciousness about the struggles of working out.

When I got there, we chatted for a few moments and he took a bunch of measurements.  I had taken some pictures before I left the house, so I'll have them for comparison.  I will just share here that my body fat measurement was at 45.5%.  Even though there's a lot of inaccuracy associated with the calipers, it's probably good enough.  Besides, I done some other calculated measurements and they are in agreement.  As the trainer had previously explained, the first meeting was really a total body strength assessment to see where I currently am.

This is what I did - in order as best I can remember:
  • 5 minute walk at 2.5 mph on the treadmill
  • 2 sets of 15 pec flies;10 lb weights; 30 sec rest between sets
  • 2 sets of 15 dumbbell rows; 20 lb weights; 30 sec rest; alternating arms
  • 2 sets of 15 leg presses (machine); 110 lbs; 30 sec rest
  • 2 sets of 15 lat pull downs (machine); 40 lbs (?); 30 sec rest
  • 2 sets of 15 ring push ups; body weight; 30 sec rest
  • 2 sets of 15 triceps push downs (machine); 50 lbs (?); 30 sec rest
  • 2 sets of 15 bicep curls; 20 lbs; 30 sec rest
  • 2 sets of 15 leg raises; body weight; 30 sec rest
It was all hard, but I think the weights were probably about right.  On the arm work, at the end of the first set - like #14/15, except the curls and flies, it was a struggle; at the end of the second sets, the last 5 were a REAL struggle with the very last one being a failure.

The ring push ups were a struggle - I couldn't get the hang of them for a bit.  When I did, it was a huge challenge.

On the leg presses, we started out at 65 lbs, but jacked it up to 110.  We will move that weight up in short order I think.

The VERY hardest thing to do was the leg raises.  My body was a bit elevated from the butt up with one knee bent.  Seems easy to just raise your leg up.  SHIIIIITTTTTTTTT!!!!  That was hard - REALLY HARD!!

In light of the news this week of the Biggest Loser issues with much slower metabolism after all the weight loss, I wanted to talk about how we would ensure that wouldn't happen with me.  Given that the contestants were working out upwards of 10 hours a day and living on 600-700 calories, I don't believe I will have that problem.  Besides this is a life style change for me - not a drastic, reality show.

After working out with him, I met a co-worker who was working on her day off and having a bad day.  She is quite fit and wanted to walk to relax.  Her idea of walking to relax was a two mile walk!!! Walking was NOT something I wanted to do right after that workout, but I did it.  She felt better I think and I got a nice example of fitness in action.  I've got a long way to go on that, but I'm working on it.

The rest of the day was active, but I was really tired - muscle tired.  I woke up today expecting to be really sore.  While I feel it, I'm not too sore at all.

In addition to meeting with the trainer two days per week, I've committed to walking 45 minutes 2 other days of the week.  While I would like to include yesterday's walk, I think that's probably not the up and up thing to do.  So, I'm going to walk today.

I'm looking at various trails around here - it is Idaho after all!

In light of all the goodness, I did have a good chunk of weakness.  After hubster and I went to dinner, we stopped at Dairy Queen and I got a medium Blizzard.  I probably should not have done that, but I did, so I'm just gonna move on from it.

I've had a few other food struggles lately, but I've been catching myself before going off the deep end.  That chatter seems to be abating for the moment - I just wish I knew how to totally damn it off.

It's almost as if since I'm going to be working out, I won't need to worry about my food.  Some may say that's the case, but I don't believe that AT ALL.  I don't think the working out is going to make me lose weight - it will help with my strength and my physical health, but it won't have the huge impact on weight loss that some folks believe.  My way of eating will make the difference in the scale.  I will have to remind myself of this often

Working out will make me look like a strong, fat woman; eating properly will make me look like an out of shape, thin woman; BUT, working out and eating properly will make me look like a strong, lean woman.

I have to learn this and believe this.  It has to become a part of what I am.


Monday, May 9, 2016

Trainer meeting I am...

...I had a trainer meeting this evening.

Yesterday, I made plans to meet with the trainer at my house - no commitments, just a chat.  As luck would have it, I was late leaving work, but still in enough time to get home.  When I got home, the contractor was here working late on the laundry room, the dogs were barking up a storm, the oldest dog had an accident, and I had forgotten that I had moved furniture into the exercise room.

I quickly took the dogs out, used the bathroom, unlocked the door to the exercise room since it opens from the outside, and started back upstairs when the doorbell rang.

Instead of coming through the house, we entered through the outside door and just chatted for about 45 minutes.

He liked all the equipment I have.  He wants me to add a ball and some exercise bands.  I thought that was odd since I have lots of machine weights, free weights, and medicine balls along with an elliptical.  Oh well - he's the trainer.  He offered to get them and just let me reimburse him.  That works for me.

We had a back and forth discussion about my history, my motivation, my goals.  He also talked about his philosophy.  In short, we seem to be in sync with each other about fitness beliefs and diet.  He was all up in the high fat, moderate protein, no added sugar way of eating.

We've agreed to meet twice per week - Mondays and Fridays.  Mondays after work at my house and Friday mornings at his private gym.  He said the sessions are intense and heavy and that 35 minutes was enough, but that the total would be about an hour.  Outside of those sessions, he wants me to get my heart rate up on two other occasions during the week for an extended period.

I tried to explain to him the depth of my procrastination, the lengths I'll go to drag ass, how adept I am at "planning", the excuses I can come up with.  He basically just glossed over it and paid no mind to me.

Good on him.

Let's see how this goes.  Today was step one.  Friday is another step.  One foot in front of the other.


Sunday, May 8, 2016

Moving along I am...

 ...moving along.

Happy Mother's Day to all the kinds of mothers out there.

I've been doing a lot of reading and planning - planning as a means of procrastination I think - about exercise.  I've gotten a couple of walks in, lifted a little bit of weight, lamely attempted to work out to a few videos for people who hate exercise.  It's too bad that just watching the videos or thinking about exercising doesn't count.  Hell - I'd be up on a stage all oiled up and winning a body contest if that were the case.


My thoughts have taken a turn regarding exercise lately.  I keep thinking that I'll exercise and have the body like I had in the old days.'s not gonna happen.  I don't think it's even possible for it TO happen.

I've had a change in mind of being healthy when I'm old.  I don't want to be one of the old folks I see lumbering about because they have little to no muscle.  I want to walk with purpose when I'm old dammit!

I want to build some muscle - real muscle - so that I will be healthier and be able to support all those innards of mine.  Muscle will help my joints - all of which are arthritic.

In five years - hell, in one month - I don't want to be doing what I'm doing now.  And what I'm doing right now is regretting that I didn't start sooner.  My body could have been in much better future shape if I had started earlier.  But now, I've lost some of the traction that I would have had by starting sooner.

I don't want to lose any more.  I don't want to be any less than I can be.

I'd like to be a cougar before I'm a skinned leopard.

So...hubster left for a business trip this morning.  I got up, took a shower, and took him to the airport.  I then drove over to a little park area in town and walked.  I had previously walked this area and noted the large pond.  I mapped it on and saw that it was 0.33 miles around the pond.

Hmmmm.....a 5k is 3.1 miles.  If I walked it 10 times, I would walk a little more than a 5k.

And that's what I did.  I walked around that damn pond 10 times and then walked a little more to cool down.

The rest of this day I've been staying active - grocery and chore shopping and organizing my office.  Lord have mercy was that a job!!  It's taken the brunt of the remodel and will be the last thing to be remodeled.  I have to shovel it out every so often.

Throughout the day, I've been thinking about what I need to do to sustain forward movement.   My first thought was that I would walk a 5k every day. 

Yes!!!!  I'm going to do this and do it right and be perfect and be the best example and be all on board and no have any problems and not have any issues and hell, I'll even get up to 5 miles a day!!!  Well - that's not gonna work.  Perhaps I can commit to one mile or 1.5 miles every other day, but not every day.

Then I started thinking about the weight stuff.  I think weights are even more important than the walking.  But being that it's me, thinking and doing are definitely two different things.

I read a couple of good websites about weight lifting and body building for old, fat women.  There was some good advice.  Basically, you don't have to be perfect, you don't have to do 25 things, you just have to do a few things.  You do have to have good form to help ensure you don't get hurt.  That got me to thinking further about my girlfriend.  My good girlfriend - that hateful wench :-) - had previously given me the contact information for her trainer.

I'd been planning to call him.  And finally today, I did.  We talked for a few minutes and are planning to meet tomorrow - either at his gym or my house.  We are actually deciding as I type.  I don't know if I'll keep a trainer long-term, but I do want someone to teach me proper form as well as the most effective exercises.

I'm a little excited and a little scared - not of the exercise, but of failing - of starting and quitting.  Of having this bullshit procrastination continue on and on.  It's such an easy default, but I am trying to change it.


Sunday, April 24, 2016

Time flies and exercise I am...

...It's amazing how time flies!

Since my last post, I not only survived the Memphis trip - I survived a trip to Charleston as well.

It's been a busy, busy time, but then again it's always a busy time anymore.  I don't see it lightening up any time soon.

The trip to Memphis was a success.  The trip to Charleston was an overall success.  My eating wasn't perfect, but I didn't have any out of control moments either.  I enjoyed foods that I can only get there - fresh seafood and good ol' SC barbeque.

I've decided that I'm going to weigh less - it's turned into a stressful "thing" instead of a "check". 

The bigger issue for me at the moment is exercise.  I can feel myself getting less limber and my joints are aching more and more.  My left knee seems to hurt all the time.  My inner internet doctor tells me that is quadriceps tendonitis.

I tend to think that all of these aches and pains could be helped guessed it....EXERCISE.

I *hate* to exercise.  Just *hate* it.

A friend of mine and I have tried to get into an exercise routine - just walking one day a week, but both our schedules have gotten in the way and we've walked exactly two times, though we do plan to walk this week.  She and I have talked about why I hate it so much particularly given that she likes it.  I'm trying to figure out how to develop her attitude to no avail.  The good thing about this friend is that she stays positive even when I'm a whiney brat about the whole thing.

Another new - fit - friend has also offered to walk and exercise with me.  She's being a bit pushy about it, but I'm not offended by it.  Rather I think about how she has her mindset.  I keep thinking that I will exercise with her and then cancel if I want.

That is definitely the wrong attitude.  I keep all my other commitments - why the hell can't I keep an exercise commitment.

Cuz I hate it!!!!!!

Anyway - after hubster and I took showers this morning, I asked him if he wanted to go for a walk.  I was trying to be pro-active.  Of course, he said yes.  He told me later that he said yes because he knew that if he'd said no, I wouldn't have gone.  He was right.

So we go for a walk - and I didn't enjoy it at all.  To me, the best part about it was when it was done.  But I did it.  There's no sense of accomplishment for me in it for some reason - I'm just glad it's done.  However, I hope I can talk myself into doing it again.

After we got home, I did some chores and checked out some online workout videos.  I did a beginner's one - it was much more enjoyable, but still not a favorite activity.

I don't know how to get my head straight on this.  I know all the benefits - particularly as I get older.  Do I just need to bitch my way through it?  Fake it till I make it?  I don't know.

Establishing an exercise routine is going to be quite difficult for me to do.  But I'm gonna start and stop until I start and don't stop.


Thursday, March 24, 2016

A new low and a new high I am...

I had a new low and a new high today!

The scale showed a new low this morning and I was determined that I wasn't going to screw it up.  I was acutely aware of the "free eating time" I wrote about last time.  In this case, it was hubster's return and the new low on the scale - free eating time would have been a reward don'tcha know!

So, it's been a mad house at my house this past week.  I decided that I would surprise hubster and have his office totally remodeled while he was out of the country - right in the middle of the bathroom/laundry room remodel - 11 days that including weekends.  It's an awkward room with six walls and two doors - one of which was removed.

Hubster got home yesterday and we were working on the room right until I picked him up from the airport.  These are the before and after pics - I think we did a good job!

In any event, I had put a roast in the crockpot, so after I picked him up from the airport we came home and ate.  INSTEAD OF GOING OUT!

Then tonight, we had to go to the laundromat to wash clothes since he had barely any clean clothes and we're leaving for his parents' house tomorrow until Monday.  However, we were late getting to the laundromat because we had to talk with the contractor about some of the remodel and what we were going to do with gas lines, etc.  Important stuff!

While at the laundromat, I saw that it was getting late, so I asked hubster what we were gonna do for dinner.  He said that we could do whatever I wanted.  After telling him that I didn't care what we did and that I wanted him to make the decision, I realized that I was telling him to make the decision so that I would have an excuse to "eat wrong" since *I* didn't make the decision.

I realized that was bullshit, but I didn't say anything to him.

We went to a Mexican drive-thru that we both like.  After hubster ordered, he asked me what I wanted.  I told him that I just wanted a Diet Coke.  He didn't say anything about that and just ordered the Diet Coke.  I gotta say - I was thankful when we drove away from the order speaker.  I will also say that I felt a bit uneasy - like I was neglecting myself or not giving myself something I wanted.  I was a little sad too.  But I stuck with it.

When we got home I heated up the leftover roast and sat right down with hubster at the table.  We ate our respective dinners and talked the whole time.  At the end, my roast tasted really good and it really wasn't a big deal that I didn't eat the Mexican stuff.  Gotta say - I felt a little proud of myself.  It's also a really good reminder that I REALLY CAN DO THIS!

I'm hoping that this little victory will help shore me up to keep my shit together in Memphis this weekend.  It's always stressful when hubster's family gets together - they are a contentious bunch of folks and we just don't live our life like that.  I wish they could see how it is when my family gets together at Thanksgiving - we have a really good time and there is rarely, if ever, an argument.  We are thankful we're together, which is the way it should be.  But it's my mother-in-law's 80th birthday and it will be the first time in over 20 years that ALL her children and grandchildren have been together at the same time at their house.  The current pre-visit drama is that hubster's sister wants to make lasagna.  However, her lasagna is not good and she makes a total disaster of the kitchen and then expects everyone else to clean up her mess because she cooked.  The other 3 siblings want to order out and eat from disposable dishes, which sounds awesome to me.

If I'm not gonna eat the Mexican drive-thru I like, you can bet your booty that I'm not going to eat shitty lasagna!  We are staying at a hotel with a made-to-order breakfast, so I know I can get a good meal there - meaning no sugar and minimal carbs for me.  I'll take extra to the room and eat when we return at night if I need.

Wish me luck with the in-laws!


Sunday, March 20, 2016

The Doctor Visit, Part Deux I am...

...busy, busy, busy.

There's a lot going on as usual, but my head is in a good place...mostly.

There's no doubt that I've had trouble over the last year.  I got back in the habit of hedging my bets instead of just doing it.  I'm slowly making my way back - my head's in a good place in trying to get it all figured out without beating myself up, making excuses, etc.

First things first - I had another doctor's visit.  Two pounds down over the last six weeks.  Given that I'm trying to get it right in a permanent sort of way instead of a short term fix, I'm happy with that.  The doctor and I got in to an argument with him being Mr. Positive and me being the naysayer.  I've started walking and he told me that it was probably why I didn't lose more weight.  I called bullshit.  Clearly, I'm building up cardio endurance, but I'm not building muscle.  We went back and forth and it ended with me telling him that I didn't mind that he was wrong.

He commented at one point while looking at my record that we needed "to speed things up".  I told him no.  While I would love to lose every bit of this weight in a month, I will NOT take medicines or have surgeries to make me lose weight - it's not in my makeup.  For me, that's not a workable option.  I'll knuckle through it if I have to.

My blood pressure was 120/76.  I go back in six weeks.  He is still the cutest thing ever and I appreciate his positive support.

On the exercise front, it's been on my mind a lot.  As usual, the follow-thru leaves a lot to be desired.  I've consciously tried to be more active in my normal day-to-day activities, but I do need to do more - it's the 'doing' part that kicks my ass.

Anyway, I have dinner with a friend of mine on Tuesday nights.  She's quite active and has a trainer.  She had sent several texts asking me if I wanted to walk with her.  Well no, as a matter of fact, I don't want to walk with her.  Not because I don't like her, I like her a lot; it's because it's exercise and that exercise-hating part of me wins.  In any event, at dinner one night, we discussed the whole walking thing.  I came clean and told her my thoughts on exercise - that I realized that I truly needed to get my ass in gear, but that I always got in my own way.  I told her that I could commit 'right now', but when the time came, I would weasel my way out of it.  I was being honest about how I get in my own way.

What did this so-called friend do?  Pfft.  She offered to come to my house to get me!!!  She said she wouldn't take excuses and that she would show up anyway!  What kind of friend is that to remove my excuses!?!?!  Saturday came and sure enough, she showed up at my door.  She was really patient with me.  It's weird to me how resistant I am to it - I wish I knew why.  It was good weather and we always have a good time.  What's not to like?

We drove to a local park-like area and started walking.  As we passed, a fitness store, I asked her if we could stop, so we did.  I went in to the store and got professionally fitted for shoes on the spot.  Come to find out, I was wearing shoes that were two sizes too small.  They were my daughter's shoes from about 10 years ago.  I ended up buying two pairs and I'm enjoying them a lot.  It's amazing what a properly fit shoe can do.

I begged out this last week because I'm running behind on an office remodel for hubster while he's out of town.  She was fussed about it, but I promised that I would walk.  And walk I did.  I was on my feet being active for about 12 hours!!!

I've been interested in Pilates for forever and even had a trainer - one time long ago.  As well, Yoga seems like such a strength-building activity that I'm also interested in.  As luck would have it, I came across a PiYo set of videos today.  The reviews are quite good and indicate that it's good even for out-of-shape-middle-aged women-who-make-excuses-all-the-time.  I ordered them.  Now to open it when it arrives and actually use it!

We've started on Phase 2 of the house remodel - this time it's a laundry room/bathroom remodel.  We started on this project before hubster left for a 12 day trip.  I was secretly working with the contractor and designer to have his office totally redone while he was gone.  He gets back Tuesday evening and we're coming down to the wire.  Folks are in there today getting the new flooring down.  It's a 6-walled room, so it's been a bit of a challenge.

One area that I have to work on is this "free-eating time" after some particular event.  In this case, it was the doctor visit.  The doctor visit was this past Thursday.  That evening, I went out to eat with a friend of mine.  I did quite well at dinner with a pork belly appetizer and a half salad for the meal.  The problem came in afterward when I went to Sonic for a drink.  I got a Diet Coke, but I also ordered a small blast.  Well, they got it wrong and it ended up being a medium - I ate the whole thing.

Then on Friday, I was fine all day, but at 9:30 we were just finishing up the day and I hadn't had dinner.  I should have just grabbed something at home, but I went through the drive-thru at a local fast food mexican place and had a free-for-all.

My flawed thinking went something like this:  No one will know that I ate junk.  I just weighed at the doctor and did okay and I've got six weeks before I have to go back.  I've been walking more, so this won't matter - I can afford to do this.

THAT is what I have to permanently get rid of - that crazy inner food nutjob voice.  The logic of that thinking is beyond flawed.  It's not there all the time by any stretch, but it used to be there all the time akin to the "One last pig-out before I start tomorrow."  The only problem was that tomorrow never came.

I've been fine since then.  I've got a slow cooker of pork.  I've been eating that with veggies and I'm good.


Sunday, March 6, 2016

A positive direction I am...

...I think things are moving in a positive direction.

In this instance, I'm referring to the chatter in my head.  I really am not perfect...far, far from perfect, but yet I feel that in some areas of my life I must be perfect in order to succeed.

What sort of bullshit is that?  How long can I expect to live up to that expectation?   Well...not long.

I've really paid attention lately to all the shit I say to myself - it ain't pretty.  I've also somehow managed to take a breather when I start getting food-frazzled.  I'm also trying to let go of some of the constraints and rules that I put on myself.  A good thing.

For instance, we had a work function on Thursday night and they had food - polenta squares, roasted vegetables, mozzarella balls, and stuff like that.  It was quite awesome.  Well I had two of those little appetizer plates and a beer.  Turned the second beer down.  Originally, we were planning to go to dinner after the function, but when the time came I realized that I was full and I really had had enough to eat - so we came on home.  Couple that with the fact that I really was exhausted - well, it was an easy decision and good for me!

And again yesterday - hubster and I slept late - mostly because I had stayed up Friday night and binge-watched House of Cards - excellent season by the way.  Anyway, I hadn't eaten breakfast and it was mid-afternoon by the time we got something to eat.  When we got home about 5, hubster asked if I was hungry and I said no.  There was no need to fix dinner if we weren't hungry.  I ended up eating some wings about 8:30 and that was good enough.

Eating when hungry.  What a novel concept?!

One thing I have noticed is that when I make some progress with a new low on the scale, I'm apt to give myself more leeway because I've been good.  This is detrimental and not helpful in anyway - mostly because that leeway leads to the scale move in the wrong direction.  I'm working on that beast with some success.

I'm trying to keep it simple - complicated doesn't work very well.  I'm also trying to not just think of the moment, but the next moment as well when I'm confronted with a food issue or temptation.

This is the way it's been going.  As a result, the scale is slowly starting to move in a downward direction, but I'm trying not to obsess about that either.

The work stress is still a bear and I'm starting to have trouble with my neck again.  When I have my doctor's appointment in a few weeks, I'm going to talk with him about it, because it's worse this time and I can feel the nerve pain in more places this time.  I was laid up Sunday-Monday of this past week because of it.  Yuck.

Phase two of the house remodel starts tomorrow, so that's gonna raise some dust.

Hubster leaves at the end of the week for a few weeks.  Upon his return, we'll head to Tennessee for his mother's 80th birthday.


Sunday, February 21, 2016

...and it continues I am...

...and it continues.

The scale is static.  I wish I could say there was some reason other than my own responsibility and actions that cause those little numbers to stay the same.  I'm holding steady at 287.4

But it's all my fault.  I do well enough to not gain any weight, but I'm not doing enough to lose any weight.

Fully half of my meals were eaten out this week - and most of them were not what they needed to be.  Even if they were, that's too much eating out.  I start with good intentions, but then the day gets away from me and by the end of it, I get an "aww screw it" attitude or else I'm exhausted and just don't have the mental wherewithal to stay on top of it.

I'm thankful that I'm at least maintaining - but I've got to get more *something* in order to get a move on.

I/We need to stop eating out so much - I think that's half the battle really.  The going out to eat scenario is as follows: Breakfast is bacon/sausage from the cafeteria; lunch is either a salad or a low-carb something in the cafeteria.  Monday dinner is at home, Tuesday is a standing dinner date with a friend of mine, Wednesdays are home, then Thursday through Saturday are often out because it's either the end of the week and we're tired, we're out on errands and decide to grab something, or we're just too damn lazy to cook.  Sundays are almost always home because we're getting ready for the week.

This past Monday, I made salads for lunch and prepared some greek yogurt with strawberries and slivered almonds.  Turns out the almonds were rancid, it tasted terrible, and my good idea was down the drain.  I don't know why in the world I didn't come up with a Plan B....Oh...I dunno...add pecans instead.  The rancid almonds were an excuse in the end.

Similar with the salad.  It was an awesome salad - all good stuff like lettuce, olives, carrots, artichokes, sundried tomatoes, carrots, chicken, and goat cheese.  I've always loved that salad.  I did it for one day.  On Monday night, I was tired and by the time I thought about making a salad for Tuesday, I just blew it off.  I shouldn't have, but I did.

What is the thing I need to do to not blow it off?

Interestingly, when I stop and think of my favorite meal of the week, it's the one that was the healthiest.  Hubster and I were out one night and I really just wanted to go home, but we stopped at a local steak restaurant.  I ordered plain grilled salmon and double veggies.  It was so good and really does put all the other crappy food to shame.  So why am I screwing up?  In that instance, it was the beer I ordered along with the meal that kept it from being a supreme sort of meal. I really need to have a favorite meal?  That somehow seems wrong.

I have salads made for tomorrow's lunch.  My goal is to make them for lunch on Tuesday as well.  I'm also gonna try and have 5 of the 7 dinner meals at home as well.

I'm trying to figure out this food disorder in my head.  I'll keep trying.


Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Status Quo I am...

...maintaining status quo.

I've lost exactly nothing since my visit to the doctor.  The scale goes down 2, up 3, down 1...and I end up just where I started.

However, I am starting to understand that my "struggle times" come when I haven't prepared and I get stressed and busy.  This is the very thing that's happened the last 10 days.

Work has been intense and I've had some long, long days.  As well, there have been a lot of restaurant meals due to work-related meetings, etc. 

I also tend to drink more alcohol.  After one 14-hr day, we were at a restaurant with some work folks and I was exhausted!  A cold beer was easy to order!

Then I get a little bit of rest, a little time to regroup, and things are fine for a few days. 

Wash, rinse, repeat.

There are a lot of family things coming up - my mother-in-law's 80th birthday, my dad's 80's birthday, and what's turned out to be our annual trip to Vienna.  I would like to be a little bit lighter at each of these events.  Particularly Vienna.  We do a shit ton of walking and it's much, much easier on the old knees and feet with less weight.

So - I'm struggling and I don't have the answers at the moment, but I start each day fresh - some days are just better than others.

I will not give up and I will not give in.  Period.


Saturday, February 6, 2016

Screwed up!!! I am...

...I screwed up and I'm trying to figure it out.

#1.  I'm at that "age".  And after not having a period for several months, I started earlier in the week.  Dammit.  But no big deal really.

#2.  Work has been good lately, but there are never enough hours in the day to get it all done, so there are spikes and peaks of intense stress at work.

#3.  I took a first look at our taxes for last year.  Not good.

Then I was in training for a full day at a time when I didn't need to be away from the office.

So - I'm going along "...handling shit like a baws" Thursday training day comes along.  Since I didn't have to drive out to work, my commute went from 35 minutes to 5 minutes which meant that I got to sleep in later.  I burrowed down in the those covers like I was on vacation.

Hubster was in the same training class, so we decided to ride together.  We prepare differently for our day since we've been here, so there was a bit of scrambling.  Hubster will usually make something for himself in the morning - something microwaveable - and he did so for me as well.  I had not stopped to think that I wouldn't be able to get my normal bacon/sausage at work, so I grabbed the two breaded chicken tenders that he had made and out the door we went.

By lunchtime, I was hungry because the breakfast wasn't sufficient.  So to the cafeteria we went.  Totally different set up with totally different food.  There was no mixing and matching to be done, so I went and looked at the soups.  There was a chicken noodle soup and a tortilla soup.  I opted for the lesser of two evils - the tortilla soup.

Well - it was terrible.  Lots of beans - not so bad, but lots of rice - yuck, very little protein - more yuck, and tasteless.  But okay - this was doing the best in a bad situation.

Mid-afternoon comes and my stomach is GROWLING and I.WANT.TO.EAT!

There are two folks at my table of 7 who have a bag of trail mix.  I hadn't seen a vending machine of any sort, but I ask them where they got it from.  There was no vending machine and had gotten it from a celebration they had passed by.  One fellow offered me some of his bag and I took it.  Fortunately, it was at the bottom of the bag and it was all sunflower seeds.  That was interesting - he thought he had taken all the good stuff and I thought he had left all the good stuff!  Goes to show - one man's junk is another man's treasure.

So that little snack helped a little, but it seems the stage was set.

After the class was over, hubster and I decided to go get some dinner before we headed home.  We've been at odds this week, so it was a nice thing.

Before we even get in the restaurant, I know what I'm going to get - the ahi tuna appetizer with a side salad.  It's a good-sized appetizer and the salad just finishes it off.  My co-worker ordered it one time and I thought it was perfect.

Well - that's what I ordered.

Along with fried mushrooms.

Along with fried mozarella cheese sticks.

Along with fried sausage-stuffed jalapenos.

Along with two pieces of unagi.

And let me tell you - I did this without a thought to ANYTHING.  There was nothing in my brain that told me to stop.  I only stopped because I was full - really full.  I thought about even getting dessert but didn't - don't need the sugar yannow.  What a crock!  *smacks self*

On the way home, I felt terrible - my stomach hurt and I had some sort of heartburn/indigestion.  As I was walking through the hallway into our bedroom, I was talking to myself about how poorly I felt.  Then I realized that the very day before, I was in the exact same spot thinking about how good my body felt when I treated it well.

Well - I blew that all to shit.

I'm still a little numb to that little...big...eating episode.  There's nothing I can do about it now and I've been fine since then.  Yesterday, I had Goetta and smoked salmon for a late breakfast and then salmon and asparagus for dinner.  I had my little snack things as well.  It was a fine day.

The thing about it is that my plan was good and opting for ONE of those extra things would have been okay, but ALL of them?  Where does this come from?  Part of it was lack of preparation for the day.  I had not had enough to eat throughout the day and I was hungry going in...too hungry.  But is that all of it?  I dunno.

How do I learn better control?  How do I keep my wits about me?


Monday, February 1, 2016

Even-keeled I am...

...It's been an even-keeled day.

Things are a bit low-key the last few days with a few little spikes...spikes interesting only to me really.

I don't know if I've actually mentioned it before, but I have a large bowl - a huge aluminum basket really - that's just packed with candy.  It's still got the unopened truffles, a big ol' bag of m&m's, Dove candies, Snicker's bars, kisses - all sorts of good stuff.  It stays on the counter and whoever comes to the house gets whatever they want.  It's like Halloween sitting on the counter.  And for some reason, I have no desire to even touch it.

Now, at work, a woman I interact with often, has a small bowl - seriously 1/10 the size of the bowl at home - on her desk.  That stupid bowl drives me to distraction.  It's got the same candy in just much smaller sizes.  I always look at the bowl, I always think about getting just one, etc.  There have been times that I went to get "just one" and ended up eating one of every kind in the bowl - to even it all out - to be fair to the candy - I can't pick one over the other!

When I had that reaction today - wanting a piece of the work candy - I told my co-worker about it.  She laughed and moved the candy bowl.  We chatted about it for a little bit, but couldn't come to any resolution as to why the reaction was so vastly different to the two bowls.

Thinking about it on the way home, perhaps it's because the candy at home is full-sized and the work candy is mini-sized.  Perhaps I realize I can't stop if I eat a mini, but realize that a full-sized one is too much.  I dunno.  Something to think about.

Food otherwise has been a little different over the weekend.  On Saturday evening, we cooked a bunch of chicken thighs.  It took forever for the chicken to bake, so I ate green beans by themselves.  When the chicken was done, I ate it by itself with nothing else.  Then last night, I had only shrimp for dinner.  I didn't want to expend the energy to make anything else and that was fine.  And again tonight, we had leftover chicken thighs with nothing else.  A little different.

I was also thinking today at lunch about how my food has changed over the years.  The main entrees in the cafeteria sucked today and I couldn't make it work, so that meant a salad.  The last time I made a salad there, I put a little blue cheese dressing on my salad and then put some in a to-go cup - and I never touched the dressing in the to-go cup.  So today, I didn't get a to-go cup.

As I was eating, I was thinking how much I was enjoying all the different tastes of the veggies - lettuce, cucumber, celery, broccoli, cauliflower, artichokes, slivered almonds - with a little dressing.  Oh - and bacon!  How can I forget bacon?!?!?!?!  It really was good.   Then I remembered how in my younger days, I would flat out drown my salad in the point, I would have to get more lettuce just to try and even it out and make it palatable.  I also noted how I leave off all the sweet stuff - it's just not appealing at all.  This isn't a weight-loss thang - it's just how my salad tastes have evolved over the years.  Okay - I do miss croutons, but it's not killing me or anything.

I'm starting to get that feeling again of what it feels like when I eat real food.  The water retention is gone, I actually get hungry, and things seem calmer.

Seems kinda weird for an even-keeled day, but it was.  There was no angst on the candy - just the thought of, "....hmmmm...why do I feel this way."

That's about it for now.  Hilary...put down that damn sugar!!!


Thursday, January 28, 2016

The Doctor Visit I am...

...I had my doctor visit...and another intuitive type day.

The day started out hurried, but was full of anticipation - good anticipation.  I had the doctor visit and then hubster and I were going down to Pokie to get his new vehicle.  Work was good and busy.  It even worked out at lunch.  I've taken to asking the cafeteria manager every morning what lunch will be.  He knows how I hate selections that are carb-y.  So what did he have today?  Chicken fajitas along with bacon and mushroom soup - made with heavy cream and no flour!!!  Check!!!  He's pretty good about letting me get just the protein and subbing a salad or soup.

I was full of anticipation going to the doctor today, but I swear I was thinking it was having a physical affect because I was feeling a little bloaty today..and there was no reason for it.  However, when I weighed, the scale was down...

10 pounds even!!!

The 10 pounds was on his scale.  On my home scales, it was 10.6.  I'm really happy either way.

Can I just say go ahead and say that I just *love* this doctor??  I think he was just about as excited as I was!  Equally exciting was the fact that my blood pressure was down to 137/86 from 200/108 on December 17!  Oh!  He also said my heart rate was excellent - like that of a runner, but I forgot to ask the number.

He and I had a good discussion and he asked a lot of questions about what I was doing to make sure I wasn't going off the deep end or anything.  I told him that I really thought I was crazy given all the shit I say to myself.  He said I was far from crazy but then asked what I was doing to take care of it.  I told him that I was writing and that I am slowly coming to realize that it's really not about the food's all the wacky thoughts about the food.  In particular, I told him what I had come to realize about the negative internal talk.  I also told him that I'm trying to make this whole *thing* a part of me and not something to be done to just accomplish a goal to lose weight.

He was ready to pull some meds I think, but I preempted him and said that I would like to stay the course until I've lost another 10 pounds and then we can think about it.  I don't need a whole lot changing to get in my way.

I wish I could relate the energy and motivation I got from him today.  I don't think I've every seen a doctor so invested in a patient.  He said he was very happy for me and was coming up with all sorts of things to do.  He told me it would be easier soon because spring was coming and it was going to be so beautiful.  He also told me to add some said...his words...that he didn't give a shit what muscles I used as long as I had some resistance for 15 minutes 5 days a week.  Baby steps.

We've made two appointments for 6 and 12 weeks.  He told me that he wanted to see me down another 10 lbs when I went back in six weeks.  I've got to say, I like the idea of the challenge, but it concerns me because I know myself and I tend to make things a test...and I always have to have a good grade on the test.  Like some students, I can see myself cramming for the test without really learning the material...and THAT is exactly what I don't want, so I'm gonna have to be hyper-aware.

I left the doctor's office feeling great.

Hubster and I met at home and went down to Pocatello to get the truck.  I'm so happy for hubster - it's really the first vehicle we've gotten in our entire married life that's really slated for HIM.  It's always been a necessity, something that would fit the kids, something very frugal, etc.  So I'm tickled for him.
Hubster's new truck.  He's getting the rundown from the salesman.
This is where the old habits come in to play.

When we were in Pocatello, we had decided that after the drive back home, we would go ahead and  drop the rental car off and get something to eat.  My first thought was, "Oh great!  I can eat whatever I want because this IS A celebration!  I'll do it with FOOD!"  I thought about this all the way back along with all sorts of justifcations of why it would be okay for me to have a food splurge - I've lost 10 pounds, hubster got a new truck, it's too late, it's been a while since a splurge, and on and on.

This is not cool.

And...I don't know how I did it, but I got my shit together and kept it in one sock.  Hubster and I split an appetizer of unbreaded chicken wings and I had a greek salad.  And that was it.

I can't fully put it in to words, but getting a new vehicle or losing 10 pounds is not reason enough to eat differently.  The celebration isn't the food.  The celebration IS the 10 pounds; the celebration is being able to get a new car.  And both of those things are rewards in themselves.  And then, somehow the thought turned a little yucky at the idea of eating to celebrate.  It's almost in my mind that it would have been okay to eat differently if I had consciously chosen to do so, but to do it as a knee-jerk reaction/justification to celebrate is just some sort of wacky bullshit excuse/justification that I could totally see was unreasonable.

I don't know if this is making any sense.  Let's just suffice it to say that I caught myself being full of shit...and no, that's not negative self-talk.


Tuesday, January 26, 2016

Internal Dialogue I am...

...thinking about my internal dialogue.

This whole writing thing is interesting.  I write for myself and try to write just what comes to my mind or what's on my mind regardless of whether or not it makes any sense.

When someone types a comment, I get a notification telling me that someone has commented.  So the other day, I received such a note that said someone had commented.  I read Lori's comment and it was encouraging.  She ended up with an admonishment that said, "...You should be proud of yourself rather than calling yourself names."

I must have read it at the right time because I've been thinking about that comment since then.

It's true - I beat myself up all the time, call myself names, call myself names to others so they don't have to call me names, and on and on.

So negative, so destructive.  It really is something that can hold me back - not just with the weight, but with everything.  This in itself is interesting.  Most folks who meet me would not ever think that I had any issues with confidence.  I have a well-developed external protective mechanism.  But inside - I'm a mess.  I would venture to say that I'm fairly mean to myself.

This kinda clicked for me yesterday and I remembered something I read (and wrote down) not so long ago.  It was:
Stop hating yourself for everything you aren't.  Start loving yourself for everything that you are.
This so true.  I have some pretty good qualities.  I try to be nice, I try to do good, I try to be kind, I try to be understanding of others.  So why don't I say those things to myself?  I'm going to try to start being consciously aware of my internal dialogue.

Another internal thing happened yesterday too.  It was a relatively quiet day - no bullet dodging at work, food was good - just an even keel day.  Anyway, when I got home I was changing clothes and realized that it had been a good day and there hadn't been a lot of "chatter" - that the day had been easy.  More like a not try, do; don't think, do sort of day.

In that very instant, there was a flood of thoughts and in an instant, it was all complicated again.  I made this mistake, I made that mistake, too much here, too little there, blah, blah, blah.  I mentally pulled myself by the bootstraps and told myself to just keep it simple.  This really isn't hard, but I make it so excruciatingly painful sometimes by just overthinking it.  And of course, expectations and success are compared to an unattainable standard of perfection.  What a crock of shit!?

The actual doing isn't hard at all.  It's the repeating it over and over with great consistency that's challenging.  So I've got to keep it simple.  What was that I said a while ago?  If I did it yesterday, I can do it today; if I can do it today, I can do it tomorrow.

My doctor's visit is tomorrow and I'm eager to see what the results will be.  Afterwards, we drive down to Pocatello to pick up his new vehicle.  We're both a bit excited!


Sunday, January 24, 2016

Maintaining Status Quo I am...

...maintaining status quo.

This past week was busy, busy, busy from hosting an offsite for co-workers at my house to getting everything tidied up with hubster's accident and finding a new car to running down to Salt Lake with a friend for the day on Friday (3 hours or so each way) to getting the washing machine repaired. 

I didn't make any progress this week - meaning I weigh the same this week as I did last week.  This makes it two weeks in a row.  But I don't think all was lost.

There were various food situations this week that I didn't particularly like.  It's mostly because these situations leave the door open for me to make less than good decisions about what I need to do.  However, I think I did okay this week.  On the scale of balance, I think I ended up about even in the situations.

I made a huge pot of chili for the off-site - all from fresh ingredients, so it was all good for me.  However, there were Frito's for some folks and I had some.  I wasn't a pig about it and the amount was reasonable, but there was room for improvement.  I had a large basket of candies - bars, kisses, etc and I didn't touch those.  As a matter of fact, the basket is still there along with those truffles - it's all fine.  Not an attractor.

During the off-site, I noticed my co-worker who has officially lost 30 lbs now and is looking awesome.  She was very careful and seemed to float through all the food decisions with ease.  I'm so glad her head is in the game.  She is a good example for me and a reminder that I can do it too.

Another situation that sticks out in my head was the trip to Salt Lake City.  The friend I went with is an interior designer and she was going to meet a local client who was also in SLC and do some shopping as well as some other work-related things, re:  more shopping.  All good.  My friend is young enough to be my daughter really and is very fit.  She's told me that she was chubby when she was younger and has shown me photos.  That was a long time ago.  Her client was about my friend's ago and was also thin and quite tall.

So we're down in SLC and it's mid-afternoon and we're trying to figure out lunch.  They're talking about hurrying up and having something so we can go back to shopping.  I'm wondering if I'll be able to find something awesome to eat.  I tell them that I had no preference where we ate.  We end up at Quizno's.  The last time I ate at Quizno's, almost 7 years ago, I had a full-length, 12 inch sandwich.  I don't know why I remembered that, but I did.  My second thought was that I would be embarassed to eat a big sandwich like that in front of these women.  I ended up ordering the smallest sandwich I could along with a cup of chili.  I don't know why I didn't order a salad - probably because I didn't want one even though that would have been the best choice.

While we're eating, they're talking and talking about eating.  The client is talking about how she eats all day long and the amount of food she eats.  Hell, I think I gained weight just from listening to her discussion.  My friend says she has to remember to eat.  I damn near fell out my chair.  And just let me say now, I wanted to slap the shit out of her.  I wish I had to remember to eat.

Later on in the day when the client was leaving us, my friend gave her a handful of chocolate candy (that she had gotten from my house) and told her it was for her trip back.  The client thanked her and said that she would be able to make it back to where she was going...since she always had to be eating.

On the way home that evening, we were talking about different restaurants when she mentioned In-N-Out Burger.  She said she loved it and asked if we could go there - that I would *love* it.  Well, we went and I did not love it.  The food excursion was just not worth it.  The only saving grace was that I knew right away that I didn't like it.  I peeled away as much of the bun as I could, had about half the fries, and didn't bother to finish the shake.  I've heard about the place for years and have heard rave reviews, but I just don't get it.  Lesson learned.

I have my doctor's appointment on Wednesday.  As of right now, the scale is down between 8-10 lbs, so I think that's a positive outcome for the last six weeks.  I had envisioned myself being down 20 lbs and just wooing and aweing the doctor with my ability to easily lose weight.  What a dumbass thought.  If it were that easy, I wouldn't be in this spot in the first place!  I'm not where I want to be, but I am trying every single day.  It's a winding road, but I think I'm learning


Sunday, January 17, 2016

Being low-key I am...

...being low-key.

We're still recovering from Friday's events.  Hubster with his gimp shoulder and me with my painful, swollen face - well, let me just say that we make quite the pair.

The swelling in my face is something to see.  I can see my cheek without looking in a mirror!  The swelling is making it painful - not the stitches or anything.  I'm not one for pain meds, but I'm taking them regularly to stay on top of the pain.  Hubster is being kind to his shoulder as he should and I think he may already be getting a little more mobility with it.

Quick side note - to continue our streak of luck, the washing machine went out last night with a load of towels.  I'm glad it was towels and not little pieces of clothing.  Where's a washboard when you need it?

Hubster and I went grocery shopping yesterday.  A new, swanky (relative to this area) grocery store had a grand opening yesterday and the competing grocery stores had amazing sales as a result.  There were some awesome prices, some BOGOs where they hadn't jacked the prices up, and some awesome coupon deals.  We stocked up on salmon, chicken, and pork.  I've seen some recipes lately that I'd like to try.

Food-wise, yesterday was again just okay.  Calorie-wise, it was fine; nutrition-wise, just so-so; my DIP-wise, not so much.

There's a local dairy around here that serves ice cream and grilled cheese sandwiches since both the ice cream and cheese are made in-house.  I've heard folks rave about the grilled cheese.  Now I've always liked grilled cheese (done my way, of course), but since I try not to eat "white" food, I've not tried one.  Until yesterday.

Can I just tell you it was a big disappointment?  Such a let-down particularly given that I ate the stupid bread in the process.  I was telling hubster what I thought and he said I had listened to others and built-up in my head how good the sandwich was going to be and so was let down when it didn't meet expectations.  Hubster said simply, "It's just bread and cheese."  Sometimes I wish I had his clarity.  He's right, of course.

That was it until dinner.  We had bought some chicken wings, so we just heated them up.  The label said there were no carbs in them, but there was something on them.  Anyway, we split them down the middle, but I ended up giving a couple of mine to hubster.

Later in the evening, I had one of the no sugar treats I recently purchased.

So going back a few paragraphs, my food intake might have fulfilled a few parameters, but the purpose was missed; I hit the target, but missed the bulls eye.

Since I've been on the antibiotic and the pain meds, I've been retaining water like it's nobody's business.  I missed my weigh this morning, but the scale was up 4 pounds yesterday and I can feel it in my hands today.

I was replying to a post by another blogger earlier today giving some words of encouragement.  While I was writing it, I thought that I needed to tell myself the same thing.  I deserve the same encouragement and the words also apply to me.

Self - don't beat yourself up over what you did yesterday.  What's the one thing you can do today to make yourself better?

I will try again today!


Saturday, January 16, 2016

Lucky, LUCKY Day I am...

...feeling quite reserved at the Lucky, LUCKY Day we've had.

Started the day off with the toothache and the furnace.

While we're usually off on Fridays, hubster went in for a meeting.  The furnace guy was quite professional and friendly.  He fixed the first furnace and then took a look at the second furnace and both fireplaces for a reasonable price.  How lucky is that???

As I was getting ready, hubster called to tell me he had gotten in an accident - don't worry, I'm fine, I'll just be late.  A few minutes later, a friend called to tell me that she had just passed hubster on the road and stopped to assist.  Hubster mentioned my endo appointment and she offered to take me.

Well...said friend indeed took me and as we passed by the accident, I told her I wanted to stop.  It was a little more than hubster indicated and the friend didn't understand what had happened.

There was a snowstorm this morning and some of the intersections were particularly bad.  Hubster was unable to brake, slid through an intersection, and was t-boned by a van travelling at ~50 mph.  He was heading west, she was heading east, but they both ended up facing south.  They went a ways up the road in the slide and ended up ramming into a snow brake.  Hubster must have blacked out for a moment because the driver of the van was already out of the car before he realized it.  He got out of our car - a 2002 Outback - checked to make sure everyone was okay and smelled propane.  He looked and saw that a 1000 gallon propane tank had been knocked off its base on the other side of the brake.

The driver of the van was a relatively young mother with 5 children under the age of 8 in the car, while hubster was alone.  And no one in that car was hurt - scared, but not hurt.  Thankfully they were all properly buckled up in the car.  Hubster separated his shoulder which is painful for him and has a small goose egg on the side of his head.  The owner of the nearby house called the propane company and took care of all the kids in her house while all the issues were worked out.  We were also fortunate in that we live out in the county, so there wasn't a lot of traffic on the road.  How lucky is THAT?

Hubster wanted me to go on to the endo and meet up with me.  So my friend dropped me off at the endo and went back to drive hubster home since the Subaru had to be towed.  I was late to the appointment (once I saw the accident, I called and said I would be late) and the first thing they did was ask about hubster.  As I was settling in with the gas to get the procedure started, hubster walked in - I was happy!  The surgery went very well and I have 5 stitches.  I liked the doctor and his nurse very well - they had a terrific, soothing manner.  I always have a lot of questions and the doctor patiently answered them with a smile.  How lucky was I?

After the appointment, we took hubster to the doctor to look at his shoulder.  He's separated his shoulder, but will be okay.  How lucky is he??

I dunno - rough things happened today, but everything worked out in a positive manner.  A few seconds could have made all the difference in the world today.  I was telling my friend who carried us around today that I have a sense that this wasn't a bad day at all, but rather a very, very good day.

Friends are telling hubster that he can go ahead and get his truck now.  I've been dragging my feet about getting another vehicle, but the time might be now.  How Lucky is hubster?

I'm incredibly sobered at the fact that I've got hubster next to me in the bed as I write this.  I feel very fortunate indeed.

Food was so-so.  The tooth was bothering me this morning, so it was mostly coffee, but I did have half a chicken strip.  Around 5 pm, on the way home from all the events of the day, hubster wanted mexican so we picked up burritos and tacos.  I pulled off the excess tortilla on a meat and cheese burrito and then had a taco.  As we were eating, I was very aware of the fact that I wrote about "soothing" and "eating" last night.  I tried to make sure I was eating for hunger and indeed I was.  I basically had one meal all day.

And the truffles are still untouched and sealed.


Friday, January 15, 2016

Not feeling well I am...

...not feeling well...

I've been having an issue with a root canal I had in June.  Decided today to get to the dentist, who promptly said that I would need to see an endodontist for an apicoectomy.  It's minor surgery, but sounds incredibly disgusting.  The thought of what they're going to do grosses me out.  Luckily, I was able to get it scheduled for tomorrow at noon.

I just hate pain in my face.  OTC meds don't touch it and prescription meds give me a horrendous headache - I'd be a terrible drug addict.

Also, it's in the 20s and one of our heaters is out.  Got a guy coming in the morning.  It's running about 64 in the house.  Hubster hates it; however, I don't as I tend to like the house to be on the cooler side.  Besides, it saves money!!

I left work early and spent the rest of the afternoon on health-related things - dental appointment, picked up an oximeter for an overnight oxygen test, and then some prescriptions.

Food was off today.  Omelet, bacon, and sausage for breakfast.  Lunch was crappy taco soup and some fajita chicken.  After eating the soup, I couldn't figure out why I ate it.  I didn't like it and it wasn't good, but I ate it anyway.  Dinner was a grazing-fest.

I kinda think I was trying to soothe myself today.

We received the final package from Harry and David - a big ol' variety box of truffles.  Our Maryland realtor sent us a 3 month subscription to their truffles and candies.  In any event, I opened the box, looked at the truffles but didn't break the seal.  I then put the lid on and figured that I would serve them Monday. 
I'm hosting an work offsite at my house on Monday.  There will 14 of us, so the truffles will be gone after they all leave.  To be honest, I thought about having one, but it just wasn't something that I wanted.  It's much easier to leave it alone with the seal still ON the box.