...I had my doctor visit...and another intuitive type day.
The day started out hurried, but was full of anticipation - good anticipation. I had the doctor visit and then hubster and I were going down to Pokie to get his new vehicle. Work was good and busy. It even worked out at lunch. I've taken to asking the cafeteria manager every morning what lunch will be. He knows how I hate selections that are carb-y. So what did he have today? Chicken fajitas along with bacon and mushroom soup - made with heavy cream and no flour!!! Check!!! He's pretty good about letting me get just the protein and subbing a salad or soup.
I was full of anticipation going to the doctor today, but I swear I was thinking it was having a physical affect because I was feeling a little bloaty today..and there was no reason for it. However, when I weighed, the scale was down...
10 pounds even!!!
The 10 pounds was on his scale. On my home scales, it was 10.6. I'm really happy either way.
Can I just say go ahead and say that I just *love* this doctor?? I think he was just about as excited as I was! Equally exciting was the fact that my blood pressure was down to 137/86 from 200/108 on December 17! Oh! He also said my heart rate was excellent - like that of a runner, but I forgot to ask the number.
He and I had a good discussion and he asked a lot of questions about what I was doing to make sure I wasn't going off the deep end or anything. I told him that I really thought I was crazy given all the shit I say to myself. He said I was far from crazy but then asked what I was doing to take care of it. I told him that I was writing and that I am slowly coming to realize that it's really not about the food itself...it's all the wacky thoughts about the food. In particular, I told him what I had come to realize about the negative internal talk. I also told him that I'm trying to make this whole *thing* a part of me and not something to be done to just accomplish a goal to lose weight.
He was ready to pull some meds I think, but I preempted him and said that I would like to stay the course until I've lost another 10 pounds and then we can think about it. I don't need a whole lot changing to get in my way.
I wish I could relate the energy and motivation I got from him today. I don't think I've every seen a doctor so invested in a patient. He said he was very happy for me and was coming up with all sorts of things to do. He told me it would be easier soon because spring was coming and it was going to be so beautiful. He also told me to add some resistance...lol...he said...his words...that he didn't give a shit what muscles I used as long as I had some resistance for 15 minutes 5 days a week. Baby steps.
We've made two appointments for 6 and 12 weeks. He told me that he wanted to see me down another 10 lbs when I went back in six weeks. I've got to say, I like the idea of the challenge, but it concerns me because I know myself and I tend to make things a test...and I always have to have a good grade on the test. Like some students, I can see myself cramming for the test without really learning the material...and THAT is exactly what I don't want, so I'm gonna have to be hyper-aware.
I left the doctor's office feeling great.
Hubster and I met at home and went down to Pocatello to get the truck. I'm so happy for hubster - it's really the first vehicle we've gotten in our entire married life that's really slated for HIM. It's always been a necessity, something that would fit the kids, something very frugal, etc. So I'm tickled for him.
|Hubster's new truck. He's getting the rundown from the salesman.|
This is where the old habits come in to play.
When we were in Pocatello, we had decided that after the drive back home, we would go ahead and drop the rental car off and get something to eat. My first thought was, "Oh great! I can eat whatever I want because this IS A celebration! I'll do it with FOOD!" I thought about this all the way back along with all sorts of justifcations of why it would be okay for me to have a food splurge - I've lost 10 pounds, hubster got a new truck, it's too late, it's been a while since a splurge, and on and on.
This is not cool.
And...I don't know how I did it, but I got my shit together and kept it in one sock. Hubster and I split an appetizer of unbreaded chicken wings and I had a greek salad. And that was it.
I can't fully put it in to words, but getting a new vehicle or losing 10 pounds is not reason enough to eat differently. The celebration isn't the food. The celebration IS the 10 pounds; the celebration is being able to get a new car. And both of those things are rewards in themselves. And then, somehow the thought turned a little yucky at the idea of eating to celebrate. It's almost in my mind that it would have been okay to eat differently if I had consciously chosen to do so, but to do it as a knee-jerk reaction/justification to celebrate is just some sort of wacky bullshit excuse/justification that I could totally see was unreasonable.
I don't know if this is making any sense. Let's just suffice it to say that I caught myself being full of shit...and no, that's not negative self-talk.