The Doctor Visit

Well...here I am...

...I had my doctor visit...and another intuitive type day.

The day started out hurried, but was full of anticipation - good anticipation.  I had the doctor visit and then hubster and I were going down to Pokie to get his new vehicle.  Work was good and busy.  It even worked out at lunch.  I've taken to asking the cafeteria manager every morning what lunch will be.  He knows how I hate selections that are carb-y.  So what did he have today?  Chicken fajitas along with bacon and mushroom soup - made with heavy cream and no flour!!!  Check!!!  He's pretty good about letting me get just the protein and subbing a salad or soup.

I was full of anticipation going to the doctor today, but I swear I was thinking it was having a physical affect because I was feeling a little bloaty today..and there was no reason for it.  However, when I weighed, the scale was down...

10 pounds even!!!

The 10 pounds was on his scale.  On my home scales, it was 10.6.  I'm really happy either way.

Can I just say go ahead and say that I just *love* this doctor??  I think he was just about as excited as I was!  Equally exciting was the fact that my blood pressure was down to 137/86 from 200/108 on December 17!  Oh!  He also said my heart rate was excellent - like that of a runner, but I forgot to ask the number.

He and I had a good discussion and he asked a lot of questions about what I was doing to make sure I wasn't going off the deep end or anything.  I told him that I really thought I was crazy given all the shit I say to myself.  He said I was far from crazy but then asked what I was doing to take care of it.  I told him that I was writing and that I am slowly coming to realize that it's really not about the food itself...it's all the wacky thoughts about the food.  In particular, I told him what I had come to realize about the negative internal talk.  I also told him that I'm trying to make this whole *thing* a part of me and not something to be done to just accomplish a goal to lose weight.

He was ready to pull some meds I think, but I preempted him and said that I would like to stay the course until I've lost another 10 pounds and then we can think about it.  I don't need a whole lot changing to get in my way.

I wish I could relate the energy and motivation I got from him today.  I don't think I've every seen a doctor so invested in a patient.  He said he was very happy for me and was coming up with all sorts of things to do.  He told me it would be easier soon because spring was coming and it was going to be so beautiful.  He also told me to add some resistance...lol...he said...his words...that he didn't give a shit what muscles I used as long as I had some resistance for 15 minutes 5 days a week.  Baby steps.

We've made two appointments for 6 and 12 weeks.  He told me that he wanted to see me down another 10 lbs when I went back in six weeks.  I've got to say, I like the idea of the challenge, but it concerns me because I know myself and I tend to make things a test...and I always have to have a good grade on the test.  Like some students, I can see myself cramming for the test without really learning the material...and THAT is exactly what I don't want, so I'm gonna have to be hyper-aware.

I left the doctor's office feeling great.

Hubster and I met at home and went down to Pocatello to get the truck.  I'm so happy for hubster - it's really the first vehicle we've gotten in our entire married life that's really slated for HIM.  It's always been a necessity, something that would fit the kids, something very frugal, etc.  So I'm tickled for him.

Hubster's new truck.  He's getting the rundown from the salesman.

This is where the old habits come in to play.

When we were in Pocatello, we had decided that after the drive back home, we would go ahead and  drop the rental car off and get something to eat.  My first thought was, "Oh great!  I can eat whatever I want because this IS A celebration!  I'll do it with FOOD!"  I thought about this all the way back along with all sorts of justifcations of why it would be okay for me to have a food splurge - I've lost 10 pounds, hubster got a new truck, it's too late, it's been a while since a splurge, and on and on.

This is not cool.

And...I don't know how I did it, but I got my shit together and kept it in one sock.  Hubster and I split an appetizer of unbreaded chicken wings and I had a greek salad.  And that was it.

I can't fully put it in to words, but getting a new vehicle or losing 10 pounds is not reason enough to eat differently.  The celebration isn't the food.  The celebration IS the 10 pounds; the celebration is being able to get a new car.  And both of those things are rewards in themselves.  And then, somehow the thought turned a little yucky at the idea of eating to celebrate.  It's almost in my mind that it would have been okay to eat differently if I had consciously chosen to do so, but to do it as a knee-jerk reaction/justification to celebrate is just some sort of wacky bullshit excuse/justification that I could totally see was unreasonable.

I don't know if this is making any sense.  Let's just suffice it to say that I caught myself being full of shit...and no, that's not negative self-talk.

Onward!

Internal Dialogue

Well...here I am...

...thinking about my internal dialogue.

This whole writing thing is interesting.  I write for myself and try to write just what comes to my mind or what's on my mind regardless of whether or not it makes any sense.

When someone types a comment, I get a notification telling me that someone has commented.  So the other day, I received such a note that said someone had commented.  I read Lori's comment and it was encouraging.  She ended up with an admonishment that said, "...You should be proud of yourself rather than calling yourself names."

I must have read it at the right time because I've been thinking about that comment since then.

It's true - I beat myself up all the time, call myself names, call myself names to others so they don't have to call me names, and on and on.

So negative, so destructive.  It really is something that can hold me back - not just with the weight, but with everything.  This in itself is interesting.  Most folks who meet me would not ever think that I had any issues with confidence.  I have a well-developed external protective mechanism.  But inside - I'm a mess.  I would venture to say that I'm fairly mean to myself.

This kinda clicked for me yesterday and I remembered something I read (and wrote down) not so long ago.  It was:

Stop hating yourself for everything you aren't.  Start loving yourself for everything that you are.

This so true.  I have some pretty good qualities.  I try to be nice, I try to do good, I try to be kind, I try to be understanding of others.  So why don't I say those things to myself?  I'm going to try to start being consciously aware of my internal dialogue.

Another internal thing happened yesterday too.  It was a relatively quiet day - no bullet dodging at work, food was good - just an even keel day.  Anyway, when I got home I was changing clothes and realized that it had been a good day and there hadn't been a lot of "chatter" - that the day had been easy.  More like a not try, do; don't think, do sort of day.

In that very instant, there was a flood of thoughts and in an instant, it was all complicated again.  I made this mistake, I made that mistake, too much here, too little there, blah, blah, blah.  I mentally pulled myself by the bootstraps and told myself to just keep it simple.  This really isn't hard, but I make it so excruciatingly painful sometimes by just overthinking it.  And of course, expectations and success are compared to an unattainable standard of perfection.  What a crock of shit!?

The actual doing isn't hard at all.  It's the repeating it over and over with great consistency that's challenging.  So I've got to keep it simple.  What was that I said a while ago?  If I did it yesterday, I can do it today; if I can do it today, I can do it tomorrow.

My doctor's visit is tomorrow and I'm eager to see what the results will be.  Afterwards, we drive down to Pocatello to pick up his new vehicle.  We're both a bit excited!

Onward!

Maintaining Status Quo

Well...here I am...

...maintaining status quo.

This past week was busy, busy, busy from hosting an offsite for co-workers at my house to getting everything tidied up with hubster's accident and finding a new car to running down to Salt Lake with a friend for the day on Friday (3 hours or so each way) to getting the washing machine repaired. 

I didn't make any progress this week - meaning I weigh the same this week as I did last week.  This makes it two weeks in a row.  But I don't think all was lost.

There were various food situations this week that I didn't particularly like.  It's mostly because these situations leave the door open for me to make less than good decisions about what I need to do.  However, I think I did okay this week.  On the scale of balance, I think I ended up about even in the situations.

I made a huge pot of chili for the off-site - all from fresh ingredients, so it was all good for me.  However, there were Frito's for some folks and I had some.  I wasn't a pig about it and the amount was reasonable, but there was room for improvement.  I had a large basket of candies - bars, kisses, etc and I didn't touch those.  As a matter of fact, the basket is still there along with those truffles - it's all fine.  Not an attractor.

During the off-site, I noticed my co-worker who has officially lost 30 lbs now and is looking awesome.  She was very careful and seemed to float through all the food decisions with ease.  I'm so glad her head is in it..in the game.  She is a good example for me and a reminder that I can do it too.

Another situation that sticks out in my head was the trip to Salt Lake City.  The friend I went with is an interior designer and she was going to meet a local client who was also in SLC and do some shopping as well as some other work-related things, re:  more shopping.  All good.  My friend is young enough to be my daughter really and is very fit.  She's told me that she was chubby when she was younger and has shown me photos.  That was a long time ago.  Her client was about my friend's ago and was also thin and quite tall.

So we're down in SLC and it's mid-afternoon and we're trying to figure out lunch.  They're talking about hurrying up and having something so we can go back to shopping.  I'm wondering if I'll be able to find something awesome to eat.  I tell them that I had no preference where we ate.  We end up at Quizno's.  The last time I ate at Quizno's, almost 7 years ago, I had a full-length, 12 inch sandwich.  I don't know why I remembered that, but I did.  My second thought was that I would be embarassed to eat a big sandwich like that in front of these women.  I ended up ordering the smallest sandwich I could along with a cup of chili.  I don't know why I didn't order a salad - probably because I didn't want one even though that would have been the best choice.

While we're eating, they're talking and talking about eating.  The client is talking about how she eats all day long and the amount of food she eats.  Hell, I think I gained weight just from listening to her discussion.  My friend says she has to remember to eat.  I damn near fell out my chair.  And just let me say now, I wanted to slap the shit out of her.  I wish I had to remember to eat.

Later on in the day when the client was leaving us, my friend gave her a handful of chocolate candy (that she had gotten from my house) and told her it was for her trip back.  The client thanked her and said that she would be able to make it back to where she was going...since she always had to be eating.

On the way home that evening, we were talking about different restaurants when she mentioned In-N-Out Burger.  She said she loved it and asked if we could go there - that I would *love* it.  Well, we went and I did not love it.  The food excursion was just not worth it.  The only saving grace was that I knew right away that I didn't like it.  I peeled away as much of the bun as I could, had about half the fries, and didn't bother to finish the shake.  I've heard about the place for years and have heard rave reviews, but I just don't get it.  Lesson learned.

I have my doctor's appointment on Wednesday.  As of right now, the scale is down between 8-10 lbs, so I think that's a positive outcome for the last six weeks.  I had envisioned myself being down 20 lbs and just wooing and aweing the doctor with my ability to easily lose weight.  What a dumbass thought.  If it were that easy, I wouldn't be in this spot in the first place!  I'm not where I want to be, but I am trying every single day.  It's a winding road, but I think I'm learning

Onward!

Being low-key

Well...here I am...

...being low-key.

We're still recovering from Friday's events.  Hubster with his gimp shoulder and me with my painful, swollen face - well, let me just say that we make quite the pair.

The swelling in my face is something to see.  I can see my cheek without looking in a mirror!  The swelling is making it painful - not the stitches or anything.  I'm not one for pain meds, but I'm taking them regularly to stay on top of the pain.  Hubster is being kind to his shoulder as he should and I think he may already be getting a little more mobility with it.

Quick side note - to continue our streak of luck, the washing machine went out last night with a load of towels.  I'm glad it was towels and not little pieces of clothing.  Where's a washboard when you need it?

Hubster and I went grocery shopping yesterday.  A new, swanky (relative to this area) grocery store had a grand opening yesterday and the competing grocery stores had amazing sales as a result.  There were some awesome prices, some BOGOs where they hadn't jacked the prices up, and some awesome coupon deals.  We stocked up on salmon, chicken, and pork.  I've seen some recipes lately that I'd like to try.

Food-wise, yesterday was again just okay.  Calorie-wise, it was fine; nutrition-wise, just so-so; my DIP-wise, not so much.

There's a local dairy around here that serves ice cream and grilled cheese sandwiches since both the ice cream and cheese are made in-house.  I've heard folks rave about the grilled cheese.  Now I've always liked grilled cheese (done my way, of course), but since I try not to eat "white" food, I've not tried one.  Until yesterday.

Can I just tell you it was a big disappointment?  Such a let-down particularly given that I ate the stupid bread in the process.  I was telling hubster what I thought and he said I had listened to others and built-up in my head how good the sandwich was going to be and so was let down when it didn't meet expectations.  Hubster said simply, "It's just bread and cheese."  Sometimes I wish I had his clarity.  He's right, of course.

That was it until dinner.  We had bought some chicken wings, so we just heated them up.  The label said there were no carbs in them, but there was something on them.  Anyway, we split them down the middle, but I ended up giving a couple of mine to hubster.

Later in the evening, I had one of the no sugar treats I recently purchased.

So going back a few paragraphs, my food intake might have fulfilled a few parameters, but the purpose was missed; I hit the target, but missed the bulls eye.

Since I've been on the antibiotic and the pain meds, I've been retaining water like it's nobody's business.  I missed my weigh this morning, but the scale was up 4 pounds yesterday and I can feel it in my hands today.

I was replying to a post by another blogger earlier today giving some words of encouragement.  While I was writing it, I thought that I needed to tell myself the same thing.  I deserve the same encouragement and the words also apply to me.

Self - don't beat yourself up over what you did yesterday.  What's the one thing you can do today to make yourself better?

I will try again today!

Onward!

Lucky, LUCKY Day

Well...here I am...

...feeling quite reserved at the Lucky, LUCKY Day we've had.

Started the day off with the toothache and the furnace.

While we're usually off on Fridays, hubster went in for a meeting.  The furnace guy was quite professional and friendly.  He fixed the first furnace and then took a look at the second furnace and both fireplaces for a reasonable price.  How lucky is that???

As I was getting ready, hubster called to tell me he had gotten in an accident - don't worry, I'm fine, I'll just be late.  A few minutes later, a friend called to tell me that she had just passed hubster on the road and stopped to assist.  Hubster mentioned my endo appointment and she offered to take me.

Well...said friend indeed took me and as we passed by the accident, I told her I wanted to stop.  It was a little more than hubster indicated and the friend didn't understand what had happened.

There was a snowstorm this morning and some of the intersections were particularly bad.  Hubster was unable to brake, slid through an intersection, and was t-boned by a van travelling at ~50 mph.  He was heading west, she was heading east, but they both ended up facing south.  They went a ways up the road in the slide and ended up ramming into a snow brake.  Hubster must have blacked out for a moment because the driver of the van was already out of the car before he realized it.  He got out of our car - a 2002 Outback - checked to make sure everyone was okay and smelled propane.  He looked and saw that a 1000 gallon propane tank had been knocked off its base on the other side of the brake.

The driver of the van was a relatively young mother with 5 children under the age of 8 in the car, while hubster was alone.  And no one in that car was hurt - scared, but not hurt.  Thankfully they were all properly buckled up in the car.  Hubster separated his shoulder which is painful for him and has a small goose egg on the side of his head.  The owner of the nearby house called the propane company and took care of all the kids in her house while all the issues were worked out.  We were also fortunate in that we live out in the county, so there wasn't a lot of traffic on the road.  How lucky is THAT?


Hubster wanted me to go on to the endo and meet up with me.  So my friend dropped me off at the endo and went back to drive hubster home since the Subaru had to be towed.  I was late to the appointment (once I saw the accident, I called and said I would be late) and the first thing they did was ask about hubster.  As I was settling in with the gas to get the procedure started, hubster walked in - I was happy!  The surgery went very well and I have 5 stitches.  I liked the doctor and his nurse very well - they had a terrific, soothing manner.  I always have a lot of questions and the doctor patiently answered them with a smile.  How lucky was I?

After the appointment, we took hubster to the doctor to look at his shoulder.  He's separated his shoulder, but will be okay.  How lucky is he??

I dunno - rough things happened today, but everything worked out in a positive manner.  A few seconds could have made all the difference in the world today.  I was telling my friend who carried us around today that I have a sense that this wasn't a bad day at all, but rather a very, very good day.

Friends are telling hubster that he can go ahead and get his truck now.  I've been dragging my feet about getting another vehicle, but the time might be now.  How Lucky is hubster?

I'm incredibly sobered at the fact that I've got hubster next to me in the bed as I write this.  I feel very fortunate indeed.

Food was so-so.  The tooth was bothering me this morning, so it was mostly coffee, but I did have half a chicken strip.  Around 5 pm, on the way home from all the events of the day, hubster wanted mexican so we picked up burritos and tacos.  I pulled off the excess tortilla on a meat and cheese burrito and then had a taco.  As we were eating, I was very aware of the fact that I wrote about "soothing" and "eating" last night.  I tried to make sure I was eating for hunger and indeed I was.  I basically had one meal all day.

And the truffles are still untouched and sealed.

Onward!!!

Not feeling well

Well...here I am...

...not feeling well...

I've been having an issue with a root canal I had in June.  Decided today to get to the dentist, who promptly said that I would need to see an endodontist for an apicoectomy.  It's minor surgery, but sounds incredibly disgusting.  The thought of what they're going to do grosses me out.  Luckily, I was able to get it scheduled for tomorrow at noon.

I just hate pain in my face.  OTC meds don't touch it and prescription meds give me a horrendous headache - I'd be a terrible drug addict.

Also, it's in the 20s and one of our heaters is out.  Got a guy coming in the morning.  It's running about 64 in the house.  Hubster hates it; however, I don't as I tend to like the house to be on the cooler side.  Besides, it saves money!!

I left work early and spent the rest of the afternoon on health-related things - dental appointment, picked up an oximeter for an overnight oxygen test, and then some prescriptions.

Food was off today.  Omelet, bacon, and sausage for breakfast.  Lunch was crappy taco soup and some fajita chicken.  After eating the soup, I couldn't figure out why I ate it.  I didn't like it and it wasn't good, but I ate it anyway.  Dinner was a grazing-fest.

I kinda think I was trying to soothe myself today.

We received the final package from Harry and David - a big ol' variety box of truffles.  Our Maryland realtor sent us a 3 month subscription to their truffles and candies.  In any event, I opened the box, looked at the truffles but didn't break the seal.  I then put the lid on and figured that I would serve them Monday. 
I'm hosting an work offsite at my house on Monday.  There will 14 of us, so the truffles will be gone after they all leave.  To be honest, I thought about having one, but it just wasn't something that I wanted.  It's much easier to leave it alone with the seal still ON the box.

Support

Well...here I am...

...thinking about support.

It seems that this is turning out to be the week for support!

When we returned from the Christmas holiday, I immediately noticed that my admin had lost some weight.  I immediately told her that she was looking good.  So yesterday, I arrived a little later to work (since I had to take hubster to the airport) and my admin followed me in to my office telling me stuff all the way.  Somehow the conversation turned to diet and weight loss, which was unusual.  Anyway, she said that she would love it if we could support each other as we lost weight.  I thought it was a great idea.  Whereupon she immediately told me I had to quite drinking diet soda because it's poison.  I usually get a diet soda in the morning and it will last me all day long.  But point taken, I'll drink water from here on out.

Later, I wrote a blogger bud who was having a bad day.  In turn, she replied and it made MY day.  Funny how that works.

I worked at home today.  A coworker of mine knew it and called to see if I wanted to go to lunch.  Said coworker is also on the downward weight trend.  She's lost close to 30 pounds and is looking tremendous.  She has been someone I've talked with about all the weight drama...because she understands it and we seem to share some food similarities - I suppose it's easy to see it and call the other on it, but at the same time be super supportive.

This meant that I had to get dressed...dammit.  Anyway, she and I met at a restaurant and it was just easy and natural.  We both order grilled chicken sandwiches without the bread and had grilled veggies.  It was really nice that we were out and together, had an on-point meal, and just talked about stuff other than food.  She's a smart cookie, has an awesome sense of humor, and most importantly, doesn't take herself to seriously.

In yet another conversation I had today, an acquaintance and I were also talking about weight loss.  She was asking me a lot of specifics about what I ate.  I realized mid-conversation that what I wanted to tell her and what she wanted to know were two different things.  She wanted the diet specifics, while I wanted to give her the "mind" specifics.  I think the best thing I told her was, "When you screw up and you will, don't beat yourself up, but more importantly, DON'T GIVE UP!"

I think that's about the smartest advice I've given.  Now...to follow my own advice.

The other thing that's really been awesome lately are some of the other bloggers.  Some of them seem to be writing the very thoughts in my head.  Even better, they'll write something that just slaps me right in the face.  Sean with his tremendous insight, Kerstin with her resistance monster, Karla with her GIFs, Lori and Mary Fran with their positive comments and support, and Josie and Crabby with their funny, insightful blogs.  They've all given me so much this week...and they don't even know it.  Hopefully, I can pay it forward one day.

I came across a TEDx talk called "Reversing Type 2 Diabetes Starts with Ignoring the Guidelines" given by Sarah Hallberg.  Can I just say, "AMEN!"  I'm not a diabetic, but have several friends who are.  They've all benefited by doing precisely what she suggests.  I think she's spot on! 

Food has been good.  I'm trying to eat when hungry.  It's turning out that many days, I'm eating two meals a day with a snack somewhere along the line.

I went back and looked at what I was doing when I started on this road.  I feel a bit smarter and wiser now, but I was glad to read what I wrote.  If I did it then, I can do it now;  if I can do it now, I can do it tomorrow!

Onward!

Things that piss me off

Well...here I am...

...thinking about two things that pissed me off today.

The first was this morning.  Hubster and I are at the dining table drinking coffee and reading the newspaper - yes, a real newspaper!  Anyway, there was a full page ad for a new weight loss program called Nutrimost.  It piqued my interest, but the ad gave few details at all.  I looked it up on the internet and it is the biggest crock of shit I've ever seen.  They have new "technology" (read: scam) that matches the resonant frequency of your cells to the food you eat.  There were tons of testimonials for quick weight loss.  However, the weight loss comes from the 500 calorie/day diet they have you on.  All this for a reasonable price of $2100.  Yannow, this makes me want to go to their offices and picket!

It just pissed me off.

Later in the morning, I was folding clothes and saw a commercial that said, "Food is Love!"  WHAT??!?!?!?!  Food is not love, food is nutrition and sustenance.  And while that was supposed to be the point of the commercial, that mark was totally missed.  It's just such a messed up message when you consider what a messed up view many folks have of food - from both the overweight and underweight perspectives.  On top of that, I don't need the noise in the background quietly reinforcing shit that's not true.

I spent part of the afternoon catching up with blogs.  I actually spent some time on YouTube looking at various vlogs - first time I'd done that.  Gotta keep the inspiration/motivation up.

Food was good today.  Bacon and eggs for breakfast; dinner was sausage and blackeyed peas - all from fresh - nothing canned.  I had one of the snacks I received the other day.  I've decided it's okay to have them.  They're 60 calories and no sugar.

Onward!

An insight maybe?

Well...here I am...

...having an insight maybe?

I talked with a Texas friend of mine who had the gastric sleeve surgery on 1/4.   She said she had been trying with little/no success over the last year to lose weight.  She felt this was her last option.  I'm happy for her and will support her in her decision and in her success.  I could not make the same decision.

When I talked with the doctor in December, he suggested meds.  I flat out told him that would never be an option - surgery isn't either.  I've thought about that bit of the conversation since then and have really thought about it since my chat with my friend.

For me, I would not take meds to lose weight because I've never heard of one that doesn't have hefty side effects that apply to a large group of the patient population.  Secondly, I don't think taking meds or having surgery would teach me a damn thing.

***Can I just say right here that hubster is downstairs kicking the shit out of aliens???  I can hear the bass or reverb or whatever it is up here!***

The most important thing though is that when I think about those things - surgery and drugs - and me in the same sentence, it really is a mentally loud "hell no" with a rush of the belief that I can do this on my own.  It's not like I'm the first person to ever lose weight and I won't be the last.  Clearly, it isn't a road filled with flowers and sunshine; there's all sorts of rocks and holes in the road, but I'm learning to maneuver them and I will be successful.  Period.

To that end, I've read a few blogs this week that have combined to give me a little bit of insight in to....something.  I feel like I know a little bit more...have a greater understanding...than I did earlier in the week.

The first was one of Sean Anderson's blogs this week.  He wrote,

"And sacrificing things important to me will not make any of those things happen faster or better.

Maintaining the integrity of the plan is paramount to my success. My non-negotiables can remain stable in my fundamental elements stream even when my life stream experiences instability."

That really struck me and I've gone back several times to read just that.

The other was a blog that I read earlier today - Dear Diet Monster.  Kerstin, the blogger, wrote about the resistance monster and how she's been practicing resistance for so long that it's second nature.  It was an awesome blog - and in essence, she's learning to face her own resistance.  She and I are very similar in some ways.  And can I just say that I LOVE her hair!

Since I was a young child, I never wanted to follow the rules and would push the limit of everything.  To be fair, it is part of the reason I've been successful.  But to be honest with myself, it's also like me saying black when someone else says white...just because.  It's not that I'm disagreeable - I don't think.  Rather, I'm just gonna do it my way...whatever that way is.  I don't want to do it your way...dammit.

Anyway, those two blogs merged for me into this understanding that I do indeed have a list of non-negotiable fundamental elements.  However, at various times, they haven't been 'non-negotiable' or 'fundamental'.  I think this comes about because of my own personal "resistance monster".  I've got to come to terms with the fact that I must have some non-negotiables here.  The good thing about this is that they are of my own choosing.  And they aren't difficult, they aren't insurmountable, they aren't undoable, and they definitely aren't unliveable.  I wrote them down in one of my first blogs.

I've got to learn to separate the non-negotiable fundamental stream from the shit-happens-this-is-life-deal-with-it stream.  One does NOT have to depend on the other.  One way to do that is to get my own personal resistance monster on my side and change the face of my resistance.  Change it so that I don't resist doing "good", but rather resist doing "bad".  Change it so that it's hard to fall off the wagon instead of being hard to stay on the wagon.

One thing my friend and I discussed today was how food had been a "friend" to both of us at various points.  Then I realized and said that food was a rotten fucking bitch - a friend wouldn't do this to us.  AND THEN, I realized it wasn't the food that had put me in the spot I'm in.  THEN I had this feeling insight - I mean I could FEEL it - that food is nothing and I am everything.  I hope to get that feeling again for longer.

At this moment, I feel on-point and have clarity for the road ahead.

Onward!

What I want

Well...here I am...

...thinking about what I want.

Since buying our current house, we've done some extensive remodeling.  If I say so myself, it's quite beautiful and hubster and I are quite pleased.  We've basically completed the main floor with the exception of a few rooms.  We're planning now to start on the basement.  It's a walkout basement and has a beautiful view of the mountains.  Its renovation will be just as intense but not quite as intrusive.

Anyway, thinking today about what we were going to do and making some sketches got me to thinking about what I want for me.

I want...in no particular order...to:

- be a normal weight
- not worry about food
- not wear plus-sized clothing when my children get married
- get a really short hair cut like Jamie Lee Curtis
- have normal blood pressure
- be active
- WANT to be active.  I'd like to not have to force it or dread it
- feel physically strong and know that I am
- put on my socks without straining.  I used to be able to keep my legs straight, bend over, and put my palms on the floor behind my feet with the heels of my hands touching the heels of my feet.
- wear something like skinny jeans with black boots (with heels).
- have a multitude of choices in clothing and not settle with what I can get to fit.

There's a lot more that I'd add to the list, but it comes and goes and that's all I can think of at the moment.  Most all of those things depend on me so long as I get and keep my shit together for the long term.

Today was a good day.  We were thawing chicken for dinner, but it was still frozen so what did we do?  Yup - we went out to eat.  However, I had a hankering for fresh fish, so we went to a local restaurant where I had trout almondine, veggies, and a salad - no beer and no bread.  I'd never had the dish before.  Interestingly, it was just baked trout with some toasted almonds on it.  When I checked out a couple recipes after I got home, I realized it was nothing like what I had.  It was still quite good though.  That's Idaho for you!

Another thing was a package I received today.  I wrote a few days ago about how I needed some sort of snacks.  There's always nuts, but that get's old.  And I'd be flat out lying if I said I didn't like chocolate, so I looked around and found a pecan turtle cluster-type candy.  No sugar at all, but it does have xylitol - a sugar alcohol.

This is where I'm obsessing a bit, which in turn causes me to question myself and shake my confidence.  So, real, unprocessed food is what's best.  This is clearly neither of those.  However, it is low-carb and does scratch an itch.  Is that okay?  The perfectionist part of me says that I shouldn't have an itch at all; the realistic part of me calls bullshit and says it's okay to find a suitable substitute; the obsessive part of me wonders whether this is a suitable substitute or not.  Chatter, chatter, chatter.

Sometimes I just feel like a nutjob and overwhelmed at the road ahead.

Onward!

Tired!

Well...here I am...

...it's the end of my work week and I'm tired!!

The first week back to work has been taxing!  I didn't get much sleep Sunday night, so I started the week tired.  Then on Monday night, I was an idiot and wore my CPAP, but forgot to turn the damn thing on!  Hubster commented on Tuesday morning that I had snored and I realized I hadn't turned it on.  I thought it was funny that I had to hit the switch twice when I got up.  Funny thing about the CPAP, I was excited when I first started using it because I thought it would be an automatic miracle-type thing.  In fact, I felt worse - a lot worse.  It was a slow process, but now it's really like a drug.  I felt terrible when I woke up on Tuesday morning.  It really does make a tremendous difference.  Tuesday night was late because I was out and I was just done last night.

I also have a toothache.  Back in the spring, I had to have a root canal on a molar and have had trouble since then.  I think I'm in the market for a new dentist.  I hate toothaches!!!  And I hate looking for new dentists!

It's not been the best week, but not a horrible week.  To put it in the proper frame - it's a good week for maintaining, but not a good week for losing.  I'll keep trying.

I find myself wanting to snack lately and I'm not sure where that's coming from.  I search for something to feed the itch and the only thing left is candy from Christmas.  It's not candy I like, so it's easy to leave it.  Actually, I just want something to chew.

Hubster is going out of town the first part of next week, so I gotta plan for that.

Not a whole bunch going on here.

Onward!

First day back to work

Well...here I am...

...today was my first day back to work after two weeks off...and it could have been much better planned.

Backing up to yesterday, I made an awesome cabbage dish with bacon and onions along with chicken breasts for dinner.  It was some kind of yum.  I cooked the chicken in an air fryer I just bought and it was awesomely good.  Very juicy on the inside.

I had planned to take the leftovers to work with me today...and I promptly forgot.

Hubster knows that I'm trying to get and stay on track, so in his sweetness, he made some eggs this morning.  He scrambled a few eggs and then put them in the pan to cook until they were cooked all the way through.  They were terrible and reminded me of frozen, microwaved eggs.

After I got to work - at 5:45 am - I touched base with a few coworkers - one of whom is losing weight and is down 28 lbs - and then went on my way.  I realized I was actually still hungry so I went to the cafeteria and bought 2 slices of bacon and a sausage patty.  That was good.

Then I was flat out busy until after noon.  I had forgotten my lunch, so that meant the cafeteria.  That's fine - there's a salad bar, but it seemed like an awful lot of work today.  I settled on a cup of taco soup.  I think it probably does measure out to be an actual cup because it wasn't big.  Then it was back to work.

Come mid-afternoon I was starving - like stomach-churning starving.  The cafeteria was closed, I had no snacks - that left the vending machine.  Luckily I don't generally like vending machine stuff, but I remembered my coworker and headed to her office.  Fortunately she had a drawer full of snacks, so I grabbed a handful of pistachios.

I left work at 5 and was ready to be home.  I have a 30 minute drive to/from work and it seemed to take forever.  Once home, hubster was already home and he was tired from the first day back as well.  Instead of cooking, we decided to go to Famous Dave's.  I had naked rib tips, catfish, and a salad.

And that was it.  It wasn't a horrible day, but it wasn't an "even" day.  There were too many ups and downs and too much time figuring out a solution.  I would have been better served if I had planned and remembered.  I've got to get a snack drawer or something with items that are good for me.  There are a shit-ton - yes, that's a measurement term - of candy dishes around the place, so I need to be careful of those.

On another note, I think I mentioned previously that I had an oximetry study, which led to a sleep study.  The results were that I have severe obstructive sleep apnea with an AHI score of 80.  The 80 represents the number of times in an hour that I stop breathing for at least 10 seconds.  YIKES!  Not breathing for more than 800 seconds each hour is a big no-no.  As a result, I've had a CPAP since early November and things are going well.  I'm sleeping better and longer with less than 5 apnea events per hour, which is normal.
 
That's it today.  Probably no update tomorrow as it's a late day.

Onward!

Priorities

Well...here I am...

...thinking about priorities.

Yannow - I've struggled with my weight to some extent all my life it seems.  Though the shit has been hitting the fan weight-wise - so to speak - for the last several years.

When I started on this latest journey, I was ready and made my own rules - simple rules really but they were divvied up into the food rules and the emotional rules.  I don't know what made me do that, but it made sense.  Since then, I've come to understand that while the food rules matter - on the scale of importance, they're like a 1 on a scale of 10.  It's the emotional nutrition rules - as I called them then - that matter and are the things that make all the difference.

These are the emotional nutrition guidelines I wrote back then:

• I'm going to attempt to remain accountable to myself each day by at least making some notation on how I'm feeling.
• I'm not going to beat myself up when I screw up.
• I'm going to read positive stories of other successes - not necessarily weight-related.
• I know there's a lot of back and forth on it, but I'm going to weigh every day at various times.  I'm smart enough to know that my weight fluctuates during the day.  I just want to see the conditions of those fluctuations - perhaps it's the scientist in me.

These were really the foundation of my "diet" - not the food.  The clarity with which I see this at the moment is mind-boggling to me - it's not the damn food at all!!!

At this point in time with the experience of both success and failure, I'll add two more guidelines.  The first is the importance of keeping my word to myself.  Secondly, but equally important is making ME a priority.  Actually, that might be the single most important guideline.  But what does that mean?

How can I keep me a priority when I have ten thousand things that grab at my mind and attention all day and all night long?  When I started this, I think I was probably a bit obsessive about it - militant if you will.  Perhaps to get the discipline going, that's what I needed; perhaps I still do.

I'd like to be able to make myself a priority not by obsessing every minute of the day about my effort to lose weight, but rather by having it like a like a subtle aura that's just there and natural.  I think I get screwed up by thinking that if I make myself a priority, I'm giving up something else in my life.

How entirely fucked up is that thinking????  Making myself a priority shouldn't do anything but enhance my life and make it better.  Why do I have the feeling then that it's a choice I have to make?  Why is that if I make myself a priority I feel something else is going to be lacking or someone else is going to lose?  This is nuts - I've got to incorporate myself into the goodness.

The other thing I need to remember is the importance of keeping my word to myself.  I keep my word to others - to my family, friends, etc.  Why is it difficult to keep my word to myself?  I did such a great job for so long, but lost my way.

The last year - since the move across country - has been just such a struggle - I didn't make myself a priority - I put myself "off" a lot.  Don't get me wrong - there are indeed a lot of things I took care of, but there are a lot of things I let slide as well.

All I can say is that I feel like I've grabbed the line again and have started the trip back to shore.  There's gonna be a lot of waves - some big, some little - but I'm gonna hold on and keep going.

Onward!

...about damn time

Well...here I am...

...and it's about damn time I showed up around here!

I don't know where the beginning is so I suppose I'll just go where my thoughts lead me.

One of the last times I wrote, I had just gone to a new doctor and he thought I could lose 20 lbs by December 15.

That did not happen. 

As a matter of fact, I gained three pounds.  But more importantly than the three pounds was my blood pressure.  I've been on blood pressure meds for a while now - was almost off of them at one point...anyway.

The doctor took my blood pressure several times...sunuvabitch...it was 200/108 at the lowest reading!  The doctor was damn near apoplectic and so was I.  We had a good long talk about the blood pressure - all my other numbers were good - and about my weight.  On the blood pressure front, he switched it up from two meds to three new and different meds (losartan, diltiazem, and metoprolol) and I'm happy to say that my blood pressure is being nicely regulated.  It was 119/74 earlier today, which is incredible.

But the elephant in the room is/was my weight.  We had a good long talk about my weight.  At one point, he suggested perhaps a weight loss drug.  I interrupted him and told him there was no way in hell that I would ever consider a weight loss drug or a weight loss surgery...PERIOD.  He looked at me for a moment and said, "So you're just gonna tough it out, huh?"

I got upset at that point, but I realized IN THAT INSTANT that this was it.  I told him that I needed him to help me until I could get my shit together and my head on straight.  As a result, I'm seeing him every six weeks.  Before I left that visit, I told him again what I was going to do - no/minimal white food, no worrying about fat, and proteins and veggies were all good - and he's good with it and thinks it's the right path.

My blood pressure at that visit scared me to no end.  I still get upset when I stop and think that I was in stroke territory.  For the time-being at least - I'm on a good path and I hope to stay on it.

It's been relatively easy since the visit to keep my ducks in a row, but I realized just now that I've been on vacation most of the time since the visit.  I go back to work on Monday, so the stress levels will ramp up again.  We'll see how the blood pressure does then.

After I left the doctor's office that day, I knew I needed to get my shit together...I have to get my shit together.  It really isn't about fitting in a size 10/12/14 whatever jeans; it's about continuous breathing for a few more decades.  I think writing is one that help does indeed help me - it's the actual writing that's hard.  I write all the time in my mind.

It's also about keeping track, but I don't know what kind of tracking I need to do anymore.  I weigh, I don't weigh, I worry about not weighing.  The daily weighing doesn't worry or bother me really - I understand that there is variation in numbers; so long as the trend is down, it's good.  The thing I need to do there is to weigh at the same time each day if that's what I'm gonna do.

It kinda pisses me off that it's the first of the year, because I'm not writing because it's the beginning of the year at all.  I almost didn't write because of it, then realized I was just using it as an excuse.  I can come up with an excuse for almost anything!

Anyway, as I was getting everything in order to update the blog, I pondered whether or not to just start over with a new beginning - forget everything that's gone before and just wipe the slate clean.  The problem with that is that I worked hard and my head was so on straight - I don't want to forget that.  The issue is that I gained all that weight back - that's the part I want to forget.  But...and it's a big but...I think that may be where the big lesson is in all this.

It was so satisfying seeing the scale go down, moving better, feeling better, buying smaller clothes, and just an overall better attitude and demeanor.  When the scale started going back up, I don't know why I didn't (couldn't???) stop and get back on track.  If I knew the answer, I think I'd have a big, big problem solved.

In any event, I decided to just continue on instead of start over.  It's all part of one big journey anyway and it is a part of me.  And I sure as hell don't want to repeat part of that past, so I need to remember it and realize that I'm just a short way away from going in the wrong direction again.  So my "beginning" remains 1/4/14.

I may not blog every day, I may not blog every month - though I do plan on writing more regularly, but I start out every single day with the intention of it being the best day.  Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.

Onward!