Well...here I am...
...and it's about damn time I showed up around here!
I don't know where the beginning is so I suppose I'll just go where my thoughts lead me.
One of the last times I wrote, I had just gone to a new doctor and he thought I could lose 20 lbs by December 15.
That did not happen.
As a matter of fact, I gained three pounds. But more importantly than the three pounds was my blood pressure. I've been on blood pressure meds for a while now - was almost off of them at one point...anyway.
The doctor took my blood pressure several times...sunuvabitch...it was 200/108 at the lowest reading! The doctor was damn near apoplectic and so was I. We had a good long talk about the blood pressure - all my other numbers were good - and about my weight. On the blood pressure front, he switched it up from two meds to three new and different meds (losartan, diltiazem, and metoprolol) and I'm happy to say that my blood pressure is being nicely regulated. It was 119/74 earlier today, which is incredible.
But the elephant in the room is/was my weight. We had a good long talk about my weight. At one point, he suggested perhaps a weight loss drug. I interrupted him and told him there was no way in hell that I would ever consider a weight loss drug or a weight loss surgery...PERIOD. He looked at me for a moment and said, "So you're just gonna tough it out, huh?"
I got upset at that point, but I realized IN THAT INSTANT that this was it. I told him that I needed him to help me until I could get my shit together and my head on straight. As a result, I'm seeing him every six weeks. Before I left that visit, I told him again what I was going to do - no/minimal white food, no worrying about fat, and proteins and veggies were all good - and he's good with it and thinks it's the right path.
My blood pressure at that visit scared me to no end. I still get upset when I stop and think that I was in stroke territory. For the time-being at least - I'm on a good path and I hope to stay on it.
It's been relatively easy since the visit to keep my ducks in a row, but I realized just now that I've been on vacation most of the time since the visit. I go back to work on Monday, so the stress levels will ramp up again. We'll see how the blood pressure does then.
After I left the doctor's office that day, I knew I needed to get my shit together...I have to get my shit together. It really isn't about fitting in a size 10/12/14 whatever jeans; it's about continuous breathing for a few more decades. I think writing is one that help does indeed help me - it's the actual writing that's hard. I write all the time in my mind.
It's also about keeping track, but I don't know what kind of tracking I need to do anymore. I weigh, I don't weigh, I worry about not weighing. The daily weighing doesn't worry or bother me really - I understand that there is variation in numbers; so long as the trend is down, it's good. The thing I need to do there is to weigh at the same time each day if that's what I'm gonna do.
It kinda pisses me off that it's the first of the year, because I'm not writing because it's the beginning of the year at all. I almost didn't write because of it, then realized I was just using it as an excuse. I can come up with an excuse for almost anything!
Anyway, as I was getting everything in order to update the blog, I pondered whether or not to just start over with a new beginning - forget everything that's gone before and just wipe the slate clean. The problem with that is that I worked hard and my head was so on straight - I don't want to forget that. The issue is that I gained all that weight back - that's the part I want to forget. But...and it's a big but...I think that may be where the big lesson is in all this.
It was so satisfying seeing the scale go down, moving better, feeling better, buying smaller clothes, and just an overall better attitude and demeanor. When the scale started going back up, I don't know why I didn't (couldn't???) stop and get back on track. If I knew the answer, I think I'd have a big, big problem solved.
In any event, I decided to just continue on instead of start over. It's all part of one big journey anyway and it is a part of me. And I sure as hell don't want to repeat part of that past, so I need to remember it and realize that I'm just a short way away from going in the wrong direction again. So my "beginning" remains 1/4/14.
I may not blog every day, I may not blog every month - though I do plan on writing more regularly, but I start out every single day with the intention of it being the best day. Sometimes it is, sometimes it isn't.