Sunday, February 21, 2016

...and it continues I am...

...and it continues.

The scale is static.  I wish I could say there was some reason other than my own responsibility and actions that cause those little numbers to stay the same.  I'm holding steady at 287.4

But it's all my fault.  I do well enough to not gain any weight, but I'm not doing enough to lose any weight.

Fully half of my meals were eaten out this week - and most of them were not what they needed to be.  Even if they were, that's too much eating out.  I start with good intentions, but then the day gets away from me and by the end of it, I get an "aww screw it" attitude or else I'm exhausted and just don't have the mental wherewithal to stay on top of it.

I'm thankful that I'm at least maintaining - but I've got to get more *something* in order to get a move on.

I/We need to stop eating out so much - I think that's half the battle really.  The going out to eat scenario is as follows: Breakfast is bacon/sausage from the cafeteria; lunch is either a salad or a low-carb something in the cafeteria.  Monday dinner is at home, Tuesday is a standing dinner date with a friend of mine, Wednesdays are home, then Thursday through Saturday are often out because it's either the end of the week and we're tired, we're out on errands and decide to grab something, or we're just too damn lazy to cook.  Sundays are almost always home because we're getting ready for the week.

This past Monday, I made salads for lunch and prepared some greek yogurt with strawberries and slivered almonds.  Turns out the almonds were rancid, it tasted terrible, and my good idea was down the drain.  I don't know why in the world I didn't come up with a Plan B....Oh...I dunno...add pecans instead.  The rancid almonds were an excuse in the end.

Similar with the salad.  It was an awesome salad - all good stuff like lettuce, olives, carrots, artichokes, sundried tomatoes, carrots, chicken, and goat cheese.  I've always loved that salad.  I did it for one day.  On Monday night, I was tired and by the time I thought about making a salad for Tuesday, I just blew it off.  I shouldn't have, but I did.

What is the thing I need to do to not blow it off?

Interestingly, when I stop and think of my favorite meal of the week, it's the one that was the healthiest.  Hubster and I were out one night and I really just wanted to go home, but we stopped at a local steak restaurant.  I ordered plain grilled salmon and double veggies.  It was so good and really does put all the other crappy food to shame.  So why am I screwing up?  In that instance, it was the beer I ordered along with the meal that kept it from being a supreme sort of meal. I really need to have a favorite meal?  That somehow seems wrong.

I have salads made for tomorrow's lunch.  My goal is to make them for lunch on Tuesday as well.  I'm also gonna try and have 5 of the 7 dinner meals at home as well.

I'm trying to figure out this food disorder in my head.  I'll keep trying.


Tuesday, February 16, 2016

Status Quo I am...

...maintaining status quo.

I've lost exactly nothing since my visit to the doctor.  The scale goes down 2, up 3, down 1...and I end up just where I started.

However, I am starting to understand that my "struggle times" come when I haven't prepared and I get stressed and busy.  This is the very thing that's happened the last 10 days.

Work has been intense and I've had some long, long days.  As well, there have been a lot of restaurant meals due to work-related meetings, etc. 

I also tend to drink more alcohol.  After one 14-hr day, we were at a restaurant with some work folks and I was exhausted!  A cold beer was easy to order!

Then I get a little bit of rest, a little time to regroup, and things are fine for a few days. 

Wash, rinse, repeat.

There are a lot of family things coming up - my mother-in-law's 80th birthday, my dad's 80's birthday, and what's turned out to be our annual trip to Vienna.  I would like to be a little bit lighter at each of these events.  Particularly Vienna.  We do a shit ton of walking and it's much, much easier on the old knees and feet with less weight.

So - I'm struggling and I don't have the answers at the moment, but I start each day fresh - some days are just better than others.

I will not give up and I will not give in.  Period.


Saturday, February 6, 2016

Screwed up!!! I am...

...I screwed up and I'm trying to figure it out.

#1.  I'm at that "age".  And after not having a period for several months, I started earlier in the week.  Dammit.  But no big deal really.

#2.  Work has been good lately, but there are never enough hours in the day to get it all done, so there are spikes and peaks of intense stress at work.

#3.  I took a first look at our taxes for last year.  Not good.

Then I was in training for a full day at a time when I didn't need to be away from the office.

So - I'm going along "...handling shit like a baws" Thursday training day comes along.  Since I didn't have to drive out to work, my commute went from 35 minutes to 5 minutes which meant that I got to sleep in later.  I burrowed down in the those covers like I was on vacation.

Hubster was in the same training class, so we decided to ride together.  We prepare differently for our day since we've been here, so there was a bit of scrambling.  Hubster will usually make something for himself in the morning - something microwaveable - and he did so for me as well.  I had not stopped to think that I wouldn't be able to get my normal bacon/sausage at work, so I grabbed the two breaded chicken tenders that he had made and out the door we went.

By lunchtime, I was hungry because the breakfast wasn't sufficient.  So to the cafeteria we went.  Totally different set up with totally different food.  There was no mixing and matching to be done, so I went and looked at the soups.  There was a chicken noodle soup and a tortilla soup.  I opted for the lesser of two evils - the tortilla soup.

Well - it was terrible.  Lots of beans - not so bad, but lots of rice - yuck, very little protein - more yuck, and tasteless.  But okay - this was doing the best in a bad situation.

Mid-afternoon comes and my stomach is GROWLING and I.WANT.TO.EAT!

There are two folks at my table of 7 who have a bag of trail mix.  I hadn't seen a vending machine of any sort, but I ask them where they got it from.  There was no vending machine and had gotten it from a celebration they had passed by.  One fellow offered me some of his bag and I took it.  Fortunately, it was at the bottom of the bag and it was all sunflower seeds.  That was interesting - he thought he had taken all the good stuff and I thought he had left all the good stuff!  Goes to show - one man's junk is another man's treasure.

So that little snack helped a little, but it seems the stage was set.

After the class was over, hubster and I decided to go get some dinner before we headed home.  We've been at odds this week, so it was a nice thing.

Before we even get in the restaurant, I know what I'm going to get - the ahi tuna appetizer with a side salad.  It's a good-sized appetizer and the salad just finishes it off.  My co-worker ordered it one time and I thought it was perfect.

Well - that's what I ordered.

Along with fried mushrooms.

Along with fried mozarella cheese sticks.

Along with fried sausage-stuffed jalapenos.

Along with two pieces of unagi.

And let me tell you - I did this without a thought to ANYTHING.  There was nothing in my brain that told me to stop.  I only stopped because I was full - really full.  I thought about even getting dessert but didn't - don't need the sugar yannow.  What a crock!  *smacks self*

On the way home, I felt terrible - my stomach hurt and I had some sort of heartburn/indigestion.  As I was walking through the hallway into our bedroom, I was talking to myself about how poorly I felt.  Then I realized that the very day before, I was in the exact same spot thinking about how good my body felt when I treated it well.

Well - I blew that all to shit.

I'm still a little numb to that little...big...eating episode.  There's nothing I can do about it now and I've been fine since then.  Yesterday, I had Goetta and smoked salmon for a late breakfast and then salmon and asparagus for dinner.  I had my little snack things as well.  It was a fine day.

The thing about it is that my plan was good and opting for ONE of those extra things would have been okay, but ALL of them?  Where does this come from?  Part of it was lack of preparation for the day.  I had not had enough to eat throughout the day and I was hungry going in...too hungry.  But is that all of it?  I dunno.

How do I learn better control?  How do I keep my wits about me?


Monday, February 1, 2016

Even-keeled I am...

...It's been an even-keeled day.

Things are a bit low-key the last few days with a few little spikes...spikes interesting only to me really.

I don't know if I've actually mentioned it before, but I have a large bowl - a huge aluminum basket really - that's just packed with candy.  It's still got the unopened truffles, a big ol' bag of m&m's, Dove candies, Snicker's bars, kisses - all sorts of good stuff.  It stays on the counter and whoever comes to the house gets whatever they want.  It's like Halloween sitting on the counter.  And for some reason, I have no desire to even touch it.

Now, at work, a woman I interact with often, has a small bowl - seriously 1/10 the size of the bowl at home - on her desk.  That stupid bowl drives me to distraction.  It's got the same candy in just much smaller sizes.  I always look at the bowl, I always think about getting just one, etc.  There have been times that I went to get "just one" and ended up eating one of every kind in the bowl - to even it all out - to be fair to the candy - I can't pick one over the other!

When I had that reaction today - wanting a piece of the work candy - I told my co-worker about it.  She laughed and moved the candy bowl.  We chatted about it for a little bit, but couldn't come to any resolution as to why the reaction was so vastly different to the two bowls.

Thinking about it on the way home, perhaps it's because the candy at home is full-sized and the work candy is mini-sized.  Perhaps I realize I can't stop if I eat a mini, but realize that a full-sized one is too much.  I dunno.  Something to think about.

Food otherwise has been a little different over the weekend.  On Saturday evening, we cooked a bunch of chicken thighs.  It took forever for the chicken to bake, so I ate green beans by themselves.  When the chicken was done, I ate it by itself with nothing else.  Then last night, I had only shrimp for dinner.  I didn't want to expend the energy to make anything else and that was fine.  And again tonight, we had leftover chicken thighs with nothing else.  A little different.

I was also thinking today at lunch about how my food has changed over the years.  The main entrees in the cafeteria sucked today and I couldn't make it work, so that meant a salad.  The last time I made a salad there, I put a little blue cheese dressing on my salad and then put some in a to-go cup - and I never touched the dressing in the to-go cup.  So today, I didn't get a to-go cup.

As I was eating, I was thinking how much I was enjoying all the different tastes of the veggies - lettuce, cucumber, celery, broccoli, cauliflower, artichokes, slivered almonds - with a little dressing.  Oh - and bacon!  How can I forget bacon?!?!?!?!  It really was good.   Then I remembered how in my younger days, I would flat out drown my salad in the point, I would have to get more lettuce just to try and even it out and make it palatable.  I also noted how I leave off all the sweet stuff - it's just not appealing at all.  This isn't a weight-loss thang - it's just how my salad tastes have evolved over the years.  Okay - I do miss croutons, but it's not killing me or anything.

I'm starting to get that feeling again of what it feels like when I eat real food.  The water retention is gone, I actually get hungry, and things seem calmer.

Seems kinda weird for an even-keeled day, but it was.  There was no angst on the candy - just the thought of, "....hmmmm...why do I feel this way."

That's about it for now.  Hilary...put down that damn sugar!!!