Thursday, March 24, 2016

A new low and a new high I am...

I had a new low and a new high today!

The scale showed a new low this morning and I was determined that I wasn't going to screw it up.  I was acutely aware of the "free eating time" I wrote about last time.  In this case, it was hubster's return and the new low on the scale - free eating time would have been a reward don'tcha know!

So, it's been a mad house at my house this past week.  I decided that I would surprise hubster and have his office totally remodeled while he was out of the country - right in the middle of the bathroom/laundry room remodel - 11 days that including weekends.  It's an awkward room with six walls and two doors - one of which was removed.

Hubster got home yesterday and we were working on the room right until I picked him up from the airport.  These are the before and after pics - I think we did a good job!

In any event, I had put a roast in the crockpot, so after I picked him up from the airport we came home and ate.  INSTEAD OF GOING OUT!

Then tonight, we had to go to the laundromat to wash clothes since he had barely any clean clothes and we're leaving for his parents' house tomorrow until Monday.  However, we were late getting to the laundromat because we had to talk with the contractor about some of the remodel and what we were going to do with gas lines, etc.  Important stuff!

While at the laundromat, I saw that it was getting late, so I asked hubster what we were gonna do for dinner.  He said that we could do whatever I wanted.  After telling him that I didn't care what we did and that I wanted him to make the decision, I realized that I was telling him to make the decision so that I would have an excuse to "eat wrong" since *I* didn't make the decision.

I realized that was bullshit, but I didn't say anything to him.

We went to a Mexican drive-thru that we both like.  After hubster ordered, he asked me what I wanted.  I told him that I just wanted a Diet Coke.  He didn't say anything about that and just ordered the Diet Coke.  I gotta say - I was thankful when we drove away from the order speaker.  I will also say that I felt a bit uneasy - like I was neglecting myself or not giving myself something I wanted.  I was a little sad too.  But I stuck with it.

When we got home I heated up the leftover roast and sat right down with hubster at the table.  We ate our respective dinners and talked the whole time.  At the end, my roast tasted really good and it really wasn't a big deal that I didn't eat the Mexican stuff.  Gotta say - I felt a little proud of myself.  It's also a really good reminder that I REALLY CAN DO THIS!

I'm hoping that this little victory will help shore me up to keep my shit together in Memphis this weekend.  It's always stressful when hubster's family gets together - they are a contentious bunch of folks and we just don't live our life like that.  I wish they could see how it is when my family gets together at Thanksgiving - we have a really good time and there is rarely, if ever, an argument.  We are thankful we're together, which is the way it should be.  But it's my mother-in-law's 80th birthday and it will be the first time in over 20 years that ALL her children and grandchildren have been together at the same time at their house.  The current pre-visit drama is that hubster's sister wants to make lasagna.  However, her lasagna is not good and she makes a total disaster of the kitchen and then expects everyone else to clean up her mess because she cooked.  The other 3 siblings want to order out and eat from disposable dishes, which sounds awesome to me.

If I'm not gonna eat the Mexican drive-thru I like, you can bet your booty that I'm not going to eat shitty lasagna!  We are staying at a hotel with a made-to-order breakfast, so I know I can get a good meal there - meaning no sugar and minimal carbs for me.  I'll take extra to the room and eat when we return at night if I need.

Wish me luck with the in-laws!


Sunday, March 20, 2016

The Doctor Visit, Part Deux I am...

...busy, busy, busy.

There's a lot going on as usual, but my head is in a good place...mostly.

There's no doubt that I've had trouble over the last year.  I got back in the habit of hedging my bets instead of just doing it.  I'm slowly making my way back - my head's in a good place in trying to get it all figured out without beating myself up, making excuses, etc.

First things first - I had another doctor's visit.  Two pounds down over the last six weeks.  Given that I'm trying to get it right in a permanent sort of way instead of a short term fix, I'm happy with that.  The doctor and I got in to an argument with him being Mr. Positive and me being the naysayer.  I've started walking and he told me that it was probably why I didn't lose more weight.  I called bullshit.  Clearly, I'm building up cardio endurance, but I'm not building muscle.  We went back and forth and it ended with me telling him that I didn't mind that he was wrong.

He commented at one point while looking at my record that we needed "to speed things up".  I told him no.  While I would love to lose every bit of this weight in a month, I will NOT take medicines or have surgeries to make me lose weight - it's not in my makeup.  For me, that's not a workable option.  I'll knuckle through it if I have to.

My blood pressure was 120/76.  I go back in six weeks.  He is still the cutest thing ever and I appreciate his positive support.

On the exercise front, it's been on my mind a lot.  As usual, the follow-thru leaves a lot to be desired.  I've consciously tried to be more active in my normal day-to-day activities, but I do need to do more - it's the 'doing' part that kicks my ass.

Anyway, I have dinner with a friend of mine on Tuesday nights.  She's quite active and has a trainer.  She had sent several texts asking me if I wanted to walk with her.  Well no, as a matter of fact, I don't want to walk with her.  Not because I don't like her, I like her a lot; it's because it's exercise and that exercise-hating part of me wins.  In any event, at dinner one night, we discussed the whole walking thing.  I came clean and told her my thoughts on exercise - that I realized that I truly needed to get my ass in gear, but that I always got in my own way.  I told her that I could commit 'right now', but when the time came, I would weasel my way out of it.  I was being honest about how I get in my own way.

What did this so-called friend do?  Pfft.  She offered to come to my house to get me!!!  She said she wouldn't take excuses and that she would show up anyway!  What kind of friend is that to remove my excuses!?!?!  Saturday came and sure enough, she showed up at my door.  She was really patient with me.  It's weird to me how resistant I am to it - I wish I knew why.  It was good weather and we always have a good time.  What's not to like?

We drove to a local park-like area and started walking.  As we passed, a fitness store, I asked her if we could stop, so we did.  I went in to the store and got professionally fitted for shoes on the spot.  Come to find out, I was wearing shoes that were two sizes too small.  They were my daughter's shoes from about 10 years ago.  I ended up buying two pairs and I'm enjoying them a lot.  It's amazing what a properly fit shoe can do.

I begged out this last week because I'm running behind on an office remodel for hubster while he's out of town.  She was fussed about it, but I promised that I would walk.  And walk I did.  I was on my feet being active for about 12 hours!!!

I've been interested in Pilates for forever and even had a trainer - one time long ago.  As well, Yoga seems like such a strength-building activity that I'm also interested in.  As luck would have it, I came across a PiYo set of videos today.  The reviews are quite good and indicate that it's good even for out-of-shape-middle-aged women-who-make-excuses-all-the-time.  I ordered them.  Now to open it when it arrives and actually use it!

We've started on Phase 2 of the house remodel - this time it's a laundry room/bathroom remodel.  We started on this project before hubster left for a 12 day trip.  I was secretly working with the contractor and designer to have his office totally redone while he was gone.  He gets back Tuesday evening and we're coming down to the wire.  Folks are in there today getting the new flooring down.  It's a 6-walled room, so it's been a bit of a challenge.

One area that I have to work on is this "free-eating time" after some particular event.  In this case, it was the doctor visit.  The doctor visit was this past Thursday.  That evening, I went out to eat with a friend of mine.  I did quite well at dinner with a pork belly appetizer and a half salad for the meal.  The problem came in afterward when I went to Sonic for a drink.  I got a Diet Coke, but I also ordered a small blast.  Well, they got it wrong and it ended up being a medium - I ate the whole thing.

Then on Friday, I was fine all day, but at 9:30 we were just finishing up the day and I hadn't had dinner.  I should have just grabbed something at home, but I went through the drive-thru at a local fast food mexican place and had a free-for-all.

My flawed thinking went something like this:  No one will know that I ate junk.  I just weighed at the doctor and did okay and I've got six weeks before I have to go back.  I've been walking more, so this won't matter - I can afford to do this.

THAT is what I have to permanently get rid of - that crazy inner food nutjob voice.  The logic of that thinking is beyond flawed.  It's not there all the time by any stretch, but it used to be there all the time akin to the "One last pig-out before I start tomorrow."  The only problem was that tomorrow never came.

I've been fine since then.  I've got a slow cooker of pork.  I've been eating that with veggies and I'm good.


Sunday, March 6, 2016

A positive direction I am...

...I think things are moving in a positive direction.

In this instance, I'm referring to the chatter in my head.  I really am not perfect...far, far from perfect, but yet I feel that in some areas of my life I must be perfect in order to succeed.

What sort of bullshit is that?  How long can I expect to live up to that expectation?   Well...not long.

I've really paid attention lately to all the shit I say to myself - it ain't pretty.  I've also somehow managed to take a breather when I start getting food-frazzled.  I'm also trying to let go of some of the constraints and rules that I put on myself.  A good thing.

For instance, we had a work function on Thursday night and they had food - polenta squares, roasted vegetables, mozzarella balls, and stuff like that.  It was quite awesome.  Well I had two of those little appetizer plates and a beer.  Turned the second beer down.  Originally, we were planning to go to dinner after the function, but when the time came I realized that I was full and I really had had enough to eat - so we came on home.  Couple that with the fact that I really was exhausted - well, it was an easy decision and good for me!

And again yesterday - hubster and I slept late - mostly because I had stayed up Friday night and binge-watched House of Cards - excellent season by the way.  Anyway, I hadn't eaten breakfast and it was mid-afternoon by the time we got something to eat.  When we got home about 5, hubster asked if I was hungry and I said no.  There was no need to fix dinner if we weren't hungry.  I ended up eating some wings about 8:30 and that was good enough.

Eating when hungry.  What a novel concept?!

One thing I have noticed is that when I make some progress with a new low on the scale, I'm apt to give myself more leeway because I've been good.  This is detrimental and not helpful in anyway - mostly because that leeway leads to the scale move in the wrong direction.  I'm working on that beast with some success.

I'm trying to keep it simple - complicated doesn't work very well.  I'm also trying to not just think of the moment, but the next moment as well when I'm confronted with a food issue or temptation.

This is the way it's been going.  As a result, the scale is slowly starting to move in a downward direction, but I'm trying not to obsess about that either.

The work stress is still a bear and I'm starting to have trouble with my neck again.  When I have my doctor's appointment in a few weeks, I'm going to talk with him about it, because it's worse this time and I can feel the nerve pain in more places this time.  I was laid up Sunday-Monday of this past week because of it.  Yuck.

Phase two of the house remodel starts tomorrow, so that's gonna raise some dust.

Hubster leaves at the end of the week for a few weeks.  Upon his return, we'll head to Tennessee for his mother's 80th birthday.